Happy Crappy Anniversary

Today is the One year anniversary of the finalization of my divorce.

Happy Crappy Anniversary!!!

I'm not really sure how to go about celebrating something like this. It might seem weird but I do think this day deserves some sort of hoopla albeit a small personal one. I survived an awful marriage and a terrible divorce and I came through it stronger and happier then I ever thought I could be. My life has turned and twisted so much over the last year or so since all of this started. I come to this point in time with a new love and living and experiencing a relationship that is healthy and happy and wonderful. I also haven't been bothered by EX in quite some time which is a relief. I wonder if he even relizes or remembers the significance of this day. HE claimed to miss me and want me and love me so vehemently over so much of the last year but I doubt that he even thinks about me anymore and if he does I think the remembrance brings him some measure of misery. Hopefully he is tasting the misery and bitterness he so willfully inflicted on me over the last few years. It sounds cruel but I think that is half the battle of finding redemption for the misdeeds of our lives by personally living the pain we caused to some small degree. It brings an understanding of the things we inflicted on the people we claimed to love.

I am very pleased with the direction that my life has taken and the future that I am faced with now. If you had asked me a year ago I would have told you that my life would always be sadness and misery and that I was doomed to a sad and bitter fate forevermore. I thought that I would never recover from the damage and emotional turmoil that I had lived for so long. I'm sure if you asked Tiger he'd tell you that I still have a few issues leftover, but that they are nothing compared to what they once were. He has been a faithful and true friend trough most all of this. We met a few months after Ex and I seperated and has been wonderful and kind friend ever since. I never would of thought that he and I would ever want to start anything romantic, but I guess fate had another plan for us. Its been a marvelous change in an already great relationship.

So today is sortof sad but sortof happy. There are many ways to look at it, but overall I think I'm proud. Proud and Content. Proud that I was strong enought to overcome so much sadness and hard things. I'm content with the way my life is now and the direction I see it heading. Nothing will ever be so hard again because I know I can survive anything after coming through something like this. I feel so young in some ways but I mostly feel old. I feel old for having gone through so much at such a young and delicate age. This could have destroyed me and destroyed any happiness in the future but it didn't. It didn't because I didn't let it. So.....

Happy Crappy Anniversary!!! I conquered it and survived it.

Miss M

Holiday Joys and Misery

My whole family was together this holiday. Its a pretty big family especially when we're all together. I have four brothers and three of them are married and have a two or three kids each with one more on the way and including myself and my parents there's seventeen of us. I'm second to last in the line up and the only girl. That can be pretty tough on a girl. I can't even count the number of wet willies, wedgies fart bombs, and various other tortutres I've endured over the years. I've been locked outside, in the basement, and in my room. I've been punched, sat on, and tickled to the point of crying. I was never allowed to play anything the boys were playing because I was a girl and that was somehow a terrible thing. It was rough going sometimes but they've always loved me and stepped up and protected me when I needed them to and sometimes even when I didn't need them to.

Now that we're all grown up and moved away the times that we are all together are few. I get very excited to see everyone again and enjoy their company, but then the horde descends in mass and it becomes chaos in a blink. Its amazing how loud and crazy everything is when we're together. Kids laughing and crying and screaming. Brothers are talking crap and punching each other. Most of the time I'm able to stay under their radar but sometimes they set their sights on me and then I'm bullied or teased or pushed around. Especially now that I have a boyfriend they have even more foder to use to make fun of me and tease me with. Its hilarious how I'm a month from being 25 and I'm still on the defensive for wet willies and towel slaps on the hieney. It drives me nuts. I get so frustrated with them sometimes, but I wouldn't trade my big crazy family for anything. I love all the kids running around and the babies and I like my sister in laws. My brothers are just that, my brothers, and they will forever see me as a little kid. I will never grow up in their eyes. They will always try to tease and embarrass me and they will always protect me as much as they can. Everyone of them has a very definate opinion about my life. I definately know that I am loved in this family.

I'm a little nervous about Tiger meeting my family when they're all together. He comes from a pretty small family of 4. Him, his brother and his parents. His family is pretty calm for the most part too. It'll be pretty funny when He gets to finnally experience everything that I've been describing to him himself in person. Its a whole other experience. I don't think that Tiger will love how much my brothers tease but I think he'll probably get used to it pretty quick and maybe even join in someday. I hope he doesn't but he might. Maybe he'll be able to defend me quick wittedly and put them in their place. Now that would be really great.

There is some sadness that came with this holiday season this year. It might be the last Christmas that we're all together. Dad might not make it to another Christmas. Its a little bitter sweet. Its nice to have us together though. I like it even if I tell you I hate it. I hope that Dad will be here next year. Yesterday we were driving home from my brother's house where we'd all spent the holiday and my mom started to cry a little and Dad was telling us that he was in so much pain that moring that he was almost in tears. I just sit there and blink because I don't know what to say or think anymore. I can't do anything to make any of it better for anyone. I feel very helpless. Last night I had to get up and use the bathroom and I walked through the living room and see what I see everynight, my dad half asleep and uncomfortable on the couch. It hurts him to lay down and it hurts to sit for too long and he's in alot of pain. He's been sleeping in the living room for awhile now so this is a scene that I am used to seeing but its getting harder and harder to witness. There is no comfort I can give that would help him feel any better. Its terrible to see Dad go through this. When I woke up this morning for work Mom was laying on the couch across from him. She tries to keep him company at night.

Christmas this year was a joy and a misery. I'm not sure how else to describe it.

Miss M

Headache

Well the move is a no go. Needless to say I'm very disappointed. I'm more than disappointed. Disappointed doesn't begin to describe it. I feel very hurt. I know that its not a personal thing that the timing isn't right for him just yet and thats fine. Or at least it will be fine. I know its not personal but it feels that way. My insecurities wouldn't remain quiet on this one. Tiger said that he can come whenever he wants and he meant that to be a comforting thing but all I could think was, "If you can move whenever you want then how come you don't want to be with me? Why aren't I worth it to you yet?" We talked for a very long time the other night, but not much was said. At least not on my part. I didn't trust myself not to say something ridiculously hurtful because I was upset. The good thing that came out of this is that Tiger finally told his father his ultimate plan to move here. It was really hard on him to do that. His dad was very upset. I felt bad for being the catlyst in this world changing revalation. Everything will have to be different for him and his family and then my insecurities started screaming again, "I'm not worth all this trouble."

I'm a mess of insecurities angst and a little bit of anger. Mostly though I feel sad and helpless. My world feels like its falling apart and my family is embarking on what may possibly be the last holiday we will have in this life as a whole family. My dad isn't getting better. He's starting to go through his personal things and organizing it for us for when he's gone. He's doing alot of little things to tie off the loose ends of his life. Preparing stuff trying to make it easier on us. I'm not sure if its any easier but its nice.

There's just so much going on. I want one thing to be what I want it to be because nothing else can be. I want Tiger to be here. Its getting so much harder to say good bye to him especially if I'm having a bad day or feeling vulnerable. I miss him. I want him to be here to be who I need him to be and to be who he says he wants to be to me. All of these other things would be easier if he was here. I could relax a little having someone to sit with and lean against at the end of the day. He is a safe and soft place for me to land at night. I want him to see my life and understand it. I tell him about it but sometimes that just doesn't do it justice. He lives in a very happy and carefree world and I hate shaking it. I don't like how our lives are in such stark contrast sometimes. But thats the interesting thing about relationships is two completly different people finding and discovering that although their circumstances are very different they're essentially one person in two bodies who searched and then found each other. At least thats what it feels like for Tiger and I. I like having a different perspective to my own, one thats similar to the way that I already think I just hadn't thought about it that way. And he loves me and cares about me and he thinks about me not just about the situation that I am in like I do.

Over the last few days and talking to him more and more I see some wisdom in waiting for him to move. I still don't like it much but I'm okay. The conversations that Tiger and I have had the last few night have been really great. I'm still astounded at how well that he seems to be able to deal with me and comfort and guide me in such a gentle and calm way. I love the sweetness that Tiger gives me in our relationship. He's so tender in the way that he speaks to me and teases with me and even when he's frustrated with me he doesn't get cross or angry with me. I'm still in awe of the fact tha he loves me despite and because of all my wierdness and flaws.

This week started out as such a headache both figurativly and literally. I was sick all week and tired and unhappy because of his decision to not move just yet, but its okay now. It really is ok. I feel bad for thinking about him as a headache, but I was just so frustrated with having to deal with all this stuff I'm already dealing with and then to be faced with the reality of the fact that he isn't coming made the week that much harder. I think I made myself sick and the more I started to be okay with it the more I started to feel better.

One day, I hope its soon, Tiger will tell me when it is that he will come. I know he will know and tell me one day. Its just so hard not knowing when I'm going to see him again, knowing it may be quite bit of time yet till we are together. I'm trying really hard not to be selfish. Its turning out to be a very diffcult thing to do. Its still a headache sometimes but its worth the pain. I love him.

Miss M

On the Road Again.....

Yesterday I was talking to Captain Doofus at church and I talked to her about a crazy idea I'd been toying with. Tiger's been wanting to move here and the Captain and I have been wanting a roadtrip so I thought that her and I could drive to Phoenix to pick up Tiger and move him back here in my parents van. It would take us about a week to pull it off and I was wondering if the Captain was game and she was :)

Hehehe.

So I spent most of last night talking to Tiger about it, and he sortof likes the idea. But the clincher is the fact that if we decide to do this he'll have only about three weeks to get ready and pack, because Captains new semester of college starts on the 16th. Also if he decides to go ahead and move now he'd have to give his notice at work today. So he basically only has one day to think about this. When we hung up last night I think he was seriously considering doing this crazy scheme. I am soo nervous and excited for his final answer. It would make life such a dream if he were here. I have missed him so much and with things getting worse with my dad I really need him here. We talked about so many possibilities and scenarios. I really hope that he says yes. This is what life is about these pivotal moments that define us and he is on the brink of one of the greastest adventures of his life.

I remember the first time I moved away from home and cross country to Utah. I was driving down Interstate 80 in my green '78 Ford Fairmont feeling so exhilarated and independent. I was on my own and on the open road and headed to uncertainty but I was doing it. No one could stop me and I was determined to show the world and my family what I was made of. I was ready to give 'em hell or die trying. I was Inivincible and I was free. I was 19 years old and clueless. Utah totally kicked my ass. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but man it was fun. Everything basically sucked and I was far from home but I learned who I was and what I was made of and I had a blast in the mean time. I can't remember a happier or more miserable time. I loved it. It was awesome. I loved that feeling I had when I was driving towards my destiny towards the "grown up" world. I told my mom I needed room to make my mistakes and I left and never looked back or thought twice. I loved my adventure. It was amazing.

I want Tiger to have the same sortof adventure. His is even cooler than mine was. He's the oldest and he's paving the way for his little brother. He's showing his parents that they raised him well and he's ready to conquer the world. He is coming to Illinois to claim his lady love and start an amazing and blissful life together. He is doing this for love, he is doing this for himself, he is doing this to shake up his world and show himself and his family what he's really made of. I would be so proud of him if decided to do this thing so bold and daring. I know he would get here eventually but if he comes now he'd be taking that first major step of breaking his preconvceived notion of who he thinks he is and becoming who he's really meant to be and who he really is. Doing it later would almost be too safe and easy. It would make it too comfortable. Not that that would be a bad thing it just makes it a safe thing. It almost takes the fun out of it. But like I told him last night I want him here however I can get him here and I it doesn't matter all that much how he goes about it but this just feels like such an adventure. It would make our love story almost epic. What a story to tell our future generations. How grand it would be just to have him here with me and be together. It would be so wonderful.

A part of me just wants to be on the road again. To feel that feeling again to feel that freedom and that rush of an adveture beginning. I want to be with him and I want us to experience this together.

How exciting! Just the thought that this might happen is exhilarating!

On the road again........

What a grand adventure it would be.

Miss M

Grumpy-ness and What-not

The other night Tiger and I grumpt at each other. We weren't really mad at each other, but we took it out on each other. Which sounds awful but we don't yell or anything so it wasn't bad per see just an icky mood between us. My friends have been giving me real hard time, and my dad is getting sicker and sicker. Tiger's family had some pretty uncomfortable moments and angst between them. None of which Tiger was really involved with except to be present and try to mediate. So you see we weren't really upset at each other just buggered by our icky situations. I didn't make anything better either. When I'm in a bad mood and all I get to do is talk to him on the phone it makes me grumpier because it reminds me that he's far away. Its hard enough that he's far away but when I'm unhappy I want nothing more than to sit next to him and lay my head on his chest and just be with him and I can't. It makes it worse because I can't do that and I miss him that much more. Things were ok when we fell asleep but not as okay As I would've liked them to be. But I talked to him a bit the next afternoon and some how through the magic that is us everything felt wonderful again after a few minutes of talking. I felt much better once I really talked to him. He is such a safe harbor for me. I don't know how I would be able to deal with all that I have to deal with with out him. I kindof liked that I got to see a grumpier side of him. It's nice to know that he's normal and not so perfect as he appears to be. Tiger feels too good to be true sometimes. He always seems to have it together and I always seem to be falling apart or having some sortof crisis or issue. He deals with me quite superbly and is always able to restore calm and rationality inside this screwed up head of mine. I sure do love him.

Tiger's was sick for few days. He's feeling much better now, but I wished I could've taken care of him. Made him soup or what not. Pat his hair and kiss his forehead. Basically just loved him better.

Sometimes I feel like we're just a little stuck in our relationship because of the distance between us. He might not feel stuck but I do. Maybe stuck is the wrong word. I think its wrong but I'm not really sure of what the word is. I want to move things along but I can't and he won't quite yet. He will eventually I 'm pretty sure. He's said that he will more than likely move. I think I believe him. No. I do believe him that he'll move here eventually. I understand that its not a light or easy thing to do to leave everything that's familiar his family, his home, his work, his life his everything. I question if I'm really worth it. If I'll be a good payoff for leaving everything behind to be with. I think about all the things that would have to change and all the big decisions that would have to be made to make this happen. Tiger doesn't' t know to even think about these things and I feel pushy mentioning it to him, but he needs to think it through. I want him to know and be aware of everything that he can be because I don't want him to feel duped into moving. I feel strange about it all. It feels desperate that I want him to be here so bad. I should be more independent than this. I should be standing on my own with dealing with all of this and I'm not and that scares me a little bit. I know that I am with someone great to be trusting him this much. I don't think I could find anyone better than Tiger to be able to do so much for me and love me this much. But I'm still scared. Scared that I'll screw it up. In a way I'm still battling what I was, who I used to be. The old me would have broken up with him a long time ago. I wouldn't of let myself be this happy because I felt as if I was undeserving. Which is especially true of Tiger because he is better than any other man that I have ever met and he has the potential to be an even more extrodinary man than I realize. He fits with me so perfectly and that scares me because it means something and it requires something of me. I know I have it in me to love but it is very hard to allow someone to love me back. The potential of our relationship seems so unreal. I'm afraid that I can't live up to it and that I'll not ever be fully deserving of it.

He needs to move here. I want this dream to be real. I want to see it happening everyday and it remaining consistent even in "reality". I want more than conversations on the verge of dreamland and sleep. I want more than weekends of perfection and rapture. I want to know that this is actually what it'll be, what it feels like it is. I want to know that this can survive life. To feel more secure and feel reassured that this really is happening to me. Me. This stuff happens to other girls to those perfect and beautiful girls who alway have everything go right for them. Not me. I'm a mess. I'm chubby and clumsy. I'm silly and weird. I have oddness out the whaazooo. I have so much baggage from all of what my life was before he wandered into my life. There is so much that he still doesn't know about me and sometimes I hold my breath and wait for him to discover the truth. I think he knows me better than I realize. I think he knows what I am at the core and that all this stuff is just a temporary barrier to getting to me at my essence. I'm still terrified though. I keep telling myself that I know better and that what I feel is how it really is. I need to believe that my heart and my intuition speak truth and that Tiger is really what I believe him to be.

I miss him. I miss him more everyday and the longer we're apart the more it hurts. I ache to be in his presence. I worked so hard on my defenses. I hurt for no one I ached for no man. Now look at me. I'm in love and I feel like I've almost lost all sense. I've become a silly girl. I think I like being a silly girl as scary as that is. My goodness am I done for. I am so smitten.

Oh well :)

I love him and what-not.

There aren't any good words to describe the mixture of bliss and angst I feel when it comes to this man in my life, but I wouldn't trade it or change it for anything. He's perfect for me.

Miss M

I Never Want to Leave Him

My weekend in Phoenix was fantastic. It was the heaven that I predicted it would be. This thing with Tiger just keeps getting more and more wonderful. I never thought I could be this happy or could ever deserve someone as fantastic as he is. Everyday I fall for him more and more and my smile gets bigger and bigger. Everything I learn about him I love. I loved being with him. I want to be with him always. Those few days that we spent were marvelous. I couldn't've asked for anything better. We didn't even do anything all that spectacular, but we had a great time. We basicly just hung around together. We watched movies together and went out to dinner. We spent time with his family visiting and chatting. We went greocery shopping together and went to a museum. A double date with his hilarious brother. We had so much of fun and laughed so much. The funest stuff was cooking together, falling asleep together and waking him up in the morning. Those things were the best. I liked walking out to where he was sleeping in the living room sitting onthe floor next to him and rubbing his back until he started to stir. He would smile at me lazily with his eyes closed and cuddle up to my legs and pretend to fall asleep again so I wouldn't stop touching his back. I'd kiss his cheek and continue to rouse him sweetly. It was nice. It was more than nice. It was wonderful. It was blissful. There werea couple nights where we'd be sitting together talking and laughing and playing video games and the next moment I'd be waking up with him next to me. Inappropriate I'm sure but it was innocent enough and sweet. We just didn't want to seperate. We wanted to get us much time in together as we could so we would talk till we were exhausted. I loved every minute of it. We woke up late the morning I was to fly out and I missed my flight. I had to take one that was a couple hours later. I was glad to miss my flight though. It gave me a more time to be with Tiger. It was one of the hardest things for me to walk away from him. I was crying a bit as I went through security. I think that's way they frisked me and searched my bags. I didn't mind though they did it to alot of people. I just felt silly for crying in front of all those people. He hadn't even been gone for 10 minutes and I missed him so much. It was awful. But we talked and text messaged through out the day and I started to feel a little better. I miss him. I hated having to walk away from him. He looked so sad when I looked back at him. I wanted to run back and hug him and tell him "Forget it I'm staying here. We'll figure it out." If it weren't for the fact that all my clothes were already on the plan I probably would have stayed. Sounds a bit drastic I know but thats just the way that I am, impulsive and dramatic.

Even though we're far away from each other we're still so happy. Things are so wonderful. talking on the phone and texting is about all we're able to do but its such fun. I'll take what I can get and we'll patient till we can both get it together enough to close the distance and live close to each other. I look forward to having everyday life be as great as I know it will be. Even if its half as wonderful as our weekends have been it would be fantastic and worth all of the waiting, all the tears (mostly all mine) and all of the toughness that comes from being in a long distance relationship. When I first met Tiger and we were just friends I thought to myself that I could never fall for him, for several reasons, but one of the biggest ones was how far away from the other we were. I never wanted to do that to myself. I figured I wasn't up for that, that would just be way too hard. But then My just friend became my best friend. Even though we only talked on the phone and on the internet he became the one I wanted to spend my time with. Nobody else could cut it. The more he was my friend the more I learned about him the more I cared. I tried so hard to convince myself that he was nothing more than a friend. In September when he came here and he walked toward me at the airport I knew, I knew I loved him. I'd loved him for so long that I didn't even know how or when it had happened. From that moment I never wanted to leave him. He became home. I miss him. Its as hard as I thought it would be to be in a long distance realtionship, maybe even a little harder than I thought it would be but I don't care. I can't, I wouldn't and I won't take it back now. He's too important. He's too much a part of me now. I'm not sure of when I'll be with him again. I don't know whats going to happen next. All I know is our intentions toward the other. We're in love and one day we'll be each others forever. The how and the when and the whatever is still up in the air but we both want this to end up in the temple, because I know that I couldn't settle for anything less than eternity with him. Sometimes even eternity doesn't seem like its long enough to satisfy and I know he feels the same.

I never want to leave him.

Miss M

Heaven Begins Tomorrow

I leave tomorrow for Phoenix. I'm starting to get anxious, but its a good sortof anxious. Today marks two months that we've been together as a couple. I never would've thought that Tiger and I were going to be together like this. When I met him all I wanted was someone to talk to. I wanted nothing more from him than that, but as the months past and I healed I began to see him differently and the more I learned about him the more I began to love him. First as a friend then as a dear and treasured friend and then I started to see the possiblity that I had been blind to him all this time. I wanted to deny the fact that I was falling for him. I started to need and want him like I have never wanted anyone before. I prayed that he could see me as something more than a friend and that he would desire to be with me. I realized when he was here in september that he had done the same thing. Fallen in love with me over time and that he knew he could love me long before I wanted him to.

I'm excited to see Tiger. I've missed him so much since he left and it feels like so many things have changed since we started this. Our relationship seems to have found good and sturdy footing as we've talked over these last couple of months. I never thought love could be like this. I didn't know that I could be in a relationship that would be so perfect and make me so happy. I am blissful just being able to talk to him to listen to him tell me what he wants our future together to be like. I see in him my life's happinesses and that he will be there for me like no other. I never thought I could fit with someone as perfectly as I do with him. I'm in love.

I'm sure this weekend will be nothing too fantastic in what we'll be doing whatever activities or whatnot we decide to do but the joy we'll have just spending the time together is what will make this weekend heaven. I'm nervous and anxious, excited and giddy. I go to see my love tomorrow and he's very eager to see me, to spend time with me and to love on me.

I love being loved like this.

Miss M

No Secrets

Everyone has a secret. However small or big everyone has one. I have many. Along with my own secrets I keep many secrets for other people. There is one person in this world who knows the most about me and my Secrets and thats Tiger. My family knows my secrets because they have my history but Tiger has the secrets of mine that even my family doesn't know. I like that I can trust him that much. He keeps them safe and he keeps them between us.

I've been waiting patiently for Tiger's secret. I knew he had to have one. I knew that it was something somewhat big and something that he was unsure if he should tell me. I knew he would tell me someday that it was just a matter of time. I don't think he's ever had to tell his secrets before. So I've been patiently waiting. In the afternoon yesterday I got the feeling that he would tell me that day sometime. I still wasn't exactly sure what it would be but I had a general idea the sortof secret it would be. I knew without knowing some how. Later that night when we talked it flowed out of his mouth like water. It wasn't so bad. I think he was worried how I would react. Its a not so big, really big deal. I'm not too worried about it. Its fixable and manageable. The thing that I liked was how we are able to communicate. I love the way we can talk to each other. We are so open about everything. Its feels like it has always been this way that saying it out loud sometimes is rudundent because we already knew with out speaking it. Nothing is taboo with him and he listens to everything I have to say. He remembers what I say.

I don't mind his secret. I'm glad that he finally trusted me enough to tell me.

We talked until 4 in the morning. About all sortof things and I loved every minute of it and I hated that I had to fall asleep. He hates to hang up too. Tiger loves to listen to me fall asleep. I do it quite frequently because we talk so late at night. Apparently I make a little noise in my sleep. Tiger calls it my cooing. He says its adorable. He thinks that I'm adorable. I love falling asleep with him on the phone and I'm excited to one day fall asleep with him in person. Its a daydream we talk about often about how nice it would be after we're married to just lay together and fall asleep in each others arms and not on a phone. How sweet and delightful it would be to be like that. I feel as if I miss it, but how can I miss something I've never had?

I like that we've reached this point together. I feel like our reltaionship is becoming strong and unshakeable. I feel that its strength comes from our long friendship and that this romance was inevitable. That we couldn't have stopped it if we wanted to. I like that there's no secrets anymore. Everything that's left is us just getting to know the other that the things we don't know aren't secrets but discoveries yet to be uncover.

Miss M

Cancer Makes Me Cry

I would never claim to be an expert on cancer. I know very little about it which bugs me a little because my dad has cancer. I should know more but I don't. I don't know how it works or why it grows so fast or the mortality rates or success rates. I'm not even sure of what type exactly my dad has. What I do know is cancer makes me cry. I know what its doing to my family. I see what its doing to my dad. I hear it through the floor when he's up all night being sick. I hear in the sobs of my mother whenever we are alone together. I know that it is a menacing, dark and scary thing. Just saying the word, cancer, makes people cringe. I don't know much about it but I know these things. I know that everyday it may be killing my dad just little more than it was the day before. I know that its a tricky and devious thing. You believe that its gone when very smart doctors and learned people are saying "remission" and you start to breath again and then out of no where you realize its back because you can just feel it. Cancer has a feeling to it. At least it does to me. The feeling of it permeates every corner of my house and I hate it. I hate it because it feels like its stolen something from our home. Our home was always so happy there was such Joy there. Lots of laughter, lots of hugs, lots of being close to one another, lots of smiles. So much of that feels lost. Some times our happiness now feels like its borrowed from another time, another existance, taken from people we used to know. When our family is together and we are having the good times we always have had and the laughter slows and we breath in, I look around and wonder if this is the last time. I wonder if this will be the last happy moment before the terrible cancer catches up to us, to him.

I went to my dad's oncology office today. I usually avoid that place as much as possible because the feel of it gets to me sometimes. It takes me awhile to shake off the ick feeling that I pick up there. But today my day wanted me to help him thank his doctor and his nurses for being so nice to him. I'm a massage therapist so I took my little massage chair and set up in one of the rooms and massaged the staff. I was happy to give some service to the people that are trying very hard to keep our dad with us, with me. On the drive over there I looked over at my dad and I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry for all the things I haven't said yet, for all the memories he'll miss, because of all the love I have for him. I hate seeing what this cancer has done to him. I admire him so much for how well he's dealt with this cancer. He has always been a great man in my eyes and I am not sure if I would conduct myself as well as he if I were in the same situation. Not only have I seen that my dad is even more deserving of all my admiration but he is loved by so many people. More people than I thought one person could know and they love him. They weep for him. They hug him and they pray for him. They are just as honored to have met him as my family feels blessed to belong to him. My father is truly a great man. I hate that this is happening to him, to us.

There is so much that I want to tell my dad, but I'm afraid that if I tell him these things then I must be telling him goodbye. I'm not ready for goodbye but I don't want to let this oppurtunity pass I don' t want him going from this world to the next with out saying I'm sorry. I want to tell him I'm sorry for all the poor decisions that I made and for the things that I stole from him when I left home and left him out and when I was married without him. I want to say I'm sorry for making him ashamed of me when I became a "slut", for making him worry and pray over his lost and angry daughter. Sorry isn't a good enough word to describe the remorse and sorrow I feel over the past and the pain that I caused him and my mom. I want him to believe in me have faith in me and know that I will be okay. I remember now all the things he's taught me that he thought I forgot. That I am becoming the woman that he always wanted me to be. I want him to be proud of me. I love my father. I have always been his little girl. So much of who I am and who I want to be is wrapped up in his existence. I'm afraid that if he's not here I'll not be the same. I'm afraid of what it'll do to my mom and if it will destroy her if he's gone or change her into a woman she was never meant to be. I think it'll be hard for her to recover from that kind of loss. He is her whole world.

I don't know much about cancer.

But I know that cancer makes me cry.

Miss M

Wake Up Calls

Tigers new fun thing to do is to call me around the same time that my alram goes off in the morning. It was so surprising the first time he did it. It was a wonderful surprise. He even set an alarm for himself to makes sure he was able to wakew me up. Its really earlyin the moring for him I wake up about 10 mintutes to 7 a.m. everyday and that makes it 10 minutes to 5 a.m. his time. It means alot tha he makes that kind of effort just to talk to me. I like that he's the last person I talk to at night and the first person I talk to when I wake up. I love that my world is filled with him. Even though he lives so far away I feel his presence in my life. The other night I had to stop at the store and he'd wanted me to call so I'm chatting with him as I'm wandering around Wal-Mart. I'm talking about silly stuff what I'm looking at, making him help me pick out stuff. I told him how silly I felt because I had been wondering if he needed me to pick him up anything and then realizing I wasn't going home to him and had no way to get anything to him. It made me laugh. The neat thing happened in the cold and flu aisle and I was wondering which vitimin c thing to get and talking with him about it and he said something about how wonderful it would be to be married to me. That this must be what everyday would feel like and that it felt great and he wanted it. I told him I'd be even more fun with him there in the store with me in person. He started giggling but I won't divulge to you what it was he was thinking ;) It sounded fun though. I am so honored to be with this man. Everything is so much better because he's there. I never thought I could be this happy again. I am so in love with him.

Miss M

Tiger Lovin'

Thirty-two more days till I get to see him again. Life has been so amazing. I am in awe of this thing that Tiger and I have started. I am so in love I can barely breath. It is almost inexplicable the feelings that seem to have taken over me and permeated themselves into every facet and moment of my life. The most amazing part is how it doesn't seem to bother me. I'm perfectly content with our relationship. I have found all the things I've been looking for, longing for and praying for, for such a long time. I have found them in him and because of him I'm becoming more and more like the woman I always wanted to be. I would ask for nothing more out of this life then for us to be together. How sublime it would be to be able to keep such a wonderful man in my life. I'm thrilled and elated that he finds in me a woman that he loves that I am the person that he wants. I am the person that he longs for and misses I am the person that he loves and cares for. He want to listen to me talk because his is enrapturted by the sound of my voice. To him I am beauty and love. He loves the parts of me that I hate and he cherishes me in a way that I never known before. Me. I am that woman. I am all of these things to him.

I am loved.

Miss M

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Snippets of Love

Tiger works second shift and I work during the day so we can't really talk to each other until very late at night. The closest we get to talking to each other through the day is text messaging. Its not much just a sentence or two whenever either of us gets a free moment. I'm hooked on them now. I think I would go nuts if I didn't get them a hundred times a day. He puts so much in those few words. I see his face when I read them and I picture in my head the way his face and mouth would be moving if he was saying those same things in person. That imagining makes those text messages even better. I get to have him with me all day. Its not enough I want him with me for real but this'll do. I like these little snippets of love. Sometimes if you piece them all together its just like a love letter. Its him telling me he loves me or misses me or reassuring me when I fear and doubt or him just being silly and sweet and wonderful.

I love him. I can't stop and I don't want to.

Yesterday we talked about being married and how wonderful it would be to be together like that. I like daydreaming together with him like that. Everything he says is perfect like he's inside me and picking out all the deepest desires I have to say back to me but the amazing thing is he's not saying them for my sake. He says these beautiful things because its what he wants. I feel like I'm getting too wrapped up in him. I'm still waiting for the sky to fall in on me. I don't trust that this is going to last. I want it to. I want nothing more than to keep him, But I feel like I don't deserve this much happiness, like something is waiting just out of sight to mess this all up. It'll probably be me or maybe he'll get scared. I dunno. I dunno what's going to happen and I have no control over any of it and that scares me. Its up to him what will happen next and how soon. I hope its soon and not just because I'm impatient for the things that I want, there's more to it than that. A lot is going on for me and my family right now. My dad isn't getting any better. In fact it feels like he's getting worse. He looks worse. He sleeps more. He doesn't even have the energy to get grumpy anymore. The chemo made him grumpy. I want him to be there if Tiger and I were to decide to get married. He needs to be there. It would be good for my mom to have something happy to focus on instead of my dad. She's already planning stuff in her head and looking at dresses online. It seems to make her happy and for a little while she doesn't look so sad and stressed. That's why I don't tell her to stop. It would also bring all the family together with my dad before anything would happen. One of the other big things is it would be very hard to plan a happy wedding post funeral if anything were to happen with dad. I hate thinking about these things but I do. I don't want to tell Tiger these things either because I don't want him to think I'm pressuring him or manipulating him. He knows now though because he reads this. I want him to have no worries though. I just think about these things sometimes because that's what I do. I worry even before there's anything to worry about. I worry knowing that everything will be okay but I still worry. Everything will work out the way its suppose to in the right moment and the right time. I shouldn't even be talking about all this. This is a happy time. I'm beginning something wonderful with my best friend and I don't want to rush anything. I want to drink it all in and savor it because I have never been loved like this and I want to remember how it feels.

I can't take the smile off my face he makes me so happy. I like believing that we'll be together eternally in the end but I'll be patient and wait for this love story to unfold like its meant to with out me meddling with it and possibly mucking it up. I'm trusting him with my heart which would normally terrify me but he seems to have very capable hands. I feel cherished and respected and that is the greatest thing in the world. I like all this. I like living my days with my little snippets of love from him in our texting. Its enough. Everything else will come in time if its meant to. He loves me and that's fantastic. I'm enjoying being loved.

Miss M

Phoenix Here I Come

Well he bought my plane ticket on Sunday. I leave for Phoenix November 9th. I'm very excited. It almost doesn't seem soon enough. I miss Tiger a great deal. We of course still talk everyday. Its a bit of a tease because we can't see each other but I wouldn't give it up I'm hooked on him now. I have to have my Tiger fix. I like all the things we talk about, about the Future about us. It delightful. I think I'm getting a little too excited thinking about the "M" word so I do my best to keep it in perspective. Marriage is a big step, one that neither of us needs to rush into too quickly. My brain says that, but my heart and my body sometimes says screw that, lets get a move on. The recurring topic we seem to land on is how nice it would be to just fall asleep in the same place, in the same bed. Not in a dirty way but in an actully sleeping way. It would be really nice to have him next to me, or to know that he'd be joining me in our bed shortly. How sublime it would be to wake up together. I'm always falling asleep on the phone. He listens to me mumbilng and sometimes snoring. He seems to think its adorable but I'm a little bit embarrassed by it but it still doesn't get me off the phone any sooner. I feel safe and secure with him and that is a big deal for me. I really like feeling that with him. I trust him. I like knowing someone is there when I'm drifting in and out of this world. I think I say silly things in my sleep because sometimes I dream he's laughing. I love his laugh. It tickles my ears to hear and makes me smile even more than I already am.

I'm only slightly nervous to meet his family. I think its going to be fun more than anything else. They sound like my kind of people. I'm more anxious to get to him. I'm a bit afraid I'll half attack him at the airport when he picks me up. I want to get my arms around him and hold him and breath him in. I picture our meeting again in my head like some cheesy old movie where we see each other across the way and we're half running and shouting each others name and trying to push our way through the crowd at the airport in our rush to get to each other. Then our bodies will collide in this massive hug and lips and hands are all over trying to get get even closer than we already are. Its kindof silly and really cheesy, I know, but it makes me chuckle so I like to picture it this way even though I'm pretty sure it'll be alot like last time but adding in a nice solid hug and probably a kiss or two or three :) . It'll be good however it goes. I'm excited to get going. I want to start packing now so I don't forget anything. And I think the only thing stopping me from doing that is the fact that I'd have to be naked in the mean time while my clothes are waiting in a suitcase for November. I'm just a wee bit excited if you can't tell. I love being in love and what I love even more is being loved. I have never been loved like this before. I am over the moon elated at the fact that I'm loved and that I get to love him. I hope Tigers ready for me because Phoenix here I come........in 42 days. :)

Miss M

Doubts and Daydreams

He loves me. He told me that he did. I almost didn't believe him. I didn't even say it back right away. I think I said 'thank you'. How horrible is that?! He says 'I love you' and I say 'thank you'. I feel terrible. I also feel nervous. I miss him terribly. I can hardly wait to see him again. He might even help me get a plane ticket so we can see each other in November. Even November feels too far away.

He's been home barley a week and we've been talking a little bit about the future. I call them our hypotheticals. Wouldn't it be nice sortof stuff. Its been really wonderful to talk about these things. I like thinking about our future together and how wonderful it'll enevitable turn out to be, but then as they always do my friends and my family start piping in on everything. He hadn't even been gone a half an hour when my mom started talking about veils and how pretty I would be. I like talking about this stuff with him when its just us and its seems so dreamy and far away in one day world. But my friends are already taking bets on when he's going to propose and picking our wedding date and then it feels wrong. Like we're skipping a step. On top of this I'm so tired half the time and I just haven't been feeling right. I feel my old issues rising up in me again. My self doubt, my low self esteem. I don't feel like I deserve this and then when I talk to him last night Tiger brings up something that he has every right to bring up and I'm done for. I lost it. I had a spaz out freak out moment. I feel terrible. I'd been doing so good at keeping things in percepective and letting things come to me slowly and it all fell apart. I'm used to my weirdness but I don't think Tiger is. I'm worried I may have scared him, made him doubt why he likes me. I'm having a harder time dealing with all of this than I thought. Not with him, I love him but I'm having a hard time dealing with all the different opinions coming at me. I feel like I'm being swept up and I want to keep my feet firmly planted on reality. I want to stay in this moment and not get ahead of myself. We've been dating for a week and a half and my friends are telling me to think about wedding dresses and my brother is talking about the food at our reception and then Tiger has me day dreaming with him about kids and dream houses, hand holding and wedding rings. I didn't mind so much talking about these things with Tiger, but I think that these dreams are more real to me than they are to him. I think that he's talking about these things seriously with me but I also think he's enjoying the novelty and newness of all of this. He's never felt like this before. I on the other not only have been in love before but these dreams used to be a reality to me I was married and I was trying to have children. There was a time in my life when it was nothing but happy dreaming and then it was taken from me. Every happy dream I'd ever had I had to watch shatter and splinter and break. Every ounce of love I had had was perverted and distorted to the point that I was unable to see reality. I was abused and used up and left by myself to wallow in the misery of lost dreams. I've lived this dreaming before and it was terrible to watch it dissolve awy and this time, this time is so different and yet so similar. The day dreaming that Tiger and I have been doing, what little we've done, is so much more real and so much more wonderful than the dreams I had before. Its more potent and powerful because Tiger actually does care about me and he's incapable lying. He has no agenda. Tiger suits me in a way that Ex could never dream of fitting with me. He suits me and fits me because he is my best friend, and now everything is changing. If I lose this if I screw this up whats going to happen to me? Will it be even more terrible than it was the first time around?

I want to take the risk. Love is worth the risk and the heart ache, but I can't be freaking out on him all the time. I need to fix this so things can work out naturally regardless of if we marry or not. If it flows naturally with out our messing with it I think it'll hurt less. So I propose to him that we change a little bit how we talk to each other. Not so much for his sake but for my sanity. Daydreaming is well and good but if we talk about the future I want it to be more down to business than the rambling on hypotheticals we've been doing. There are certain things and questions that he'll need the answers to andI'm all for it, those things are important but I want us to keep a close eye on it so it doesn't get out of hand. I think that at least until we are more certain of the future we both want from each other we should be careful not to be caught up in fantasy. That if we want to be lovey dovey and mushy mushy with each other that we should talk about the shared experiences we already have. We had and amazing and wonderful weekend together and we could talk about that forever and then add to it the more we see each other. We can get excited about the things that are coming up for us in the short term. Like the trip I might take in November. Thats all based on real stuff and we aren't getting too far ahead of ourselves. I think I'll be able to handle this much better doing it this way. As well as reigning in my friends and family and telling to stop planning this for us and that we'll figure it out ourselves in a way that is best for us.

I want this to stay happy. I don't want things to get to complicated. I want this to work and I want to be able to keep my best friend. Life will be easy to live with him by my side. I think the thing that will help us the most is if he gets his patriarchial blessing. It'll help him figure out the best road for him to take before he gets too much farther into this. It'd probably answer so many of the questions he has right now. I know its okay to love him because I have mine and he fits in so perfectly into what it says. I guess I would feel better if we knew if I fit into what it is that Heavenly Father wants for him.

In the mean time I can't wait to see him again. I miss my friend. I loved spending time with him in person. It seems so much easier to doubt things when we are so far apart. In person, with him next to me, there was no fear. It felt as natural as could be like he'd been in my arms forever. I want him to know I love him and that I often think about our last night together here in Illinois. How happy I was to sit with him by the river and have him hold my hands as we talked and laughed and how sublime it was to stand above the river and feel the warmth of his lips on mine as the cold rain spattered and dripped down or faces. How amazing it was to have him touch me so sweetly and tenderly. Those moments alone makes me glad to take these chances with him, because if I can have that much pure joy with him in such a short amount a time it makes me wonder how happpy we would be if we had all of eternity to love like that. I love him. Nothing else matters and even if I can't keep him it was all worth it.

Miss M

A Weekend Sized Slice of Heaven

I meant to give you a play by play of all that happened this last weekend but I don't think I want to. It was so perfect and so wonderful that I think I'd like to keep it between the two of us. The experience almost seems sacred. We had wonderful time together. Tiger may not seem like much to sneeze at to other people but to me, to me, he's better than I ever could've hoped for. He was nearly flawless this weekend. He always said the most perfect things and dealt with me in a way that I thought was impossible. No man has ever been this kind to me. I have alot of weirdness and issues but those all seemed to go away with him. If I even started to have a freak out moment he seemed to know and address it imeadiately without even realizing what he'd done or knowing what I was begining to feel. I am very blessed to have a best friend turn in to the most fantastic boyfriend. What more could a girl ask for?

Sometimes it almost felt like too much perfection. I'm half way waiting for the ceiling to fall in on me and for my bubble to be burst. I don't want that to happen but its necessary. Right now its like a most beautiful fairy tale. If I were to write the story it would be one of the greatest love stories. The stuff you only thought happened in the movies. Sufficent to say I'll will forever love the rain and I'll recall these beautiful moment when ever I am by the river. I'm falling for him, I may even love him. This is so unbelievable that something so wonderful could happen to a girl like me. It was like heaven. The whole experience was blissful and I want to savor every moment of it. I didn't think I could ever be this happy again.

Miss M

Naps and Sunday Clothes

Tiger is here in my house at the very moment that I am typing this. His flight was an overnight flight and as much as he tried to stay awake he was in desperate need of a nap. We got his things arranged in the spare room and I was telling him where things were. I asked if he needed to hang up any clothes like his church clothes for Sunday. I told him I could iron them while he rested and he didn't want me to trouble myself over it. It wasn't a big deal and I told him as much so he handed them to me. I stood in the doorway holding his nice sunday clothes and watching him kindof unpack and settle in. An interesting feeling crept into me while I watched this man. Its kindof hard to describe. But it was a pleasant sortof happy comfortableness. I thought I would be more nervous than I was but the moment I saw him walking towards me at the airport all fear left me and I was so content and tht feeling was amplified as I watched him ready himself for a nap. Tiger laid down and I went and ironed his shirt and now I'm sitting here typing this overwhelmed a little by how much I enjoy this new feeling I have now that he's here. I think I'd like to be the one who always gets to iron his shirts. I think I'd be very happy to be the one who gets to do that. Thats a little weird and a little quick to be saying that but oh well. I like it even if it doesn't work out that way. Its a pleasant thought anyway.

Miss M

Late Night Lullaby

Most nights I talk to Tiger until I fall asleep on the phone or until I'm so tired I could. Its probably really unhealty to do that so this last week I've been trying to get off the phone earlier so I can get a little more sleep but I'm not sure if I'm going to do that so much anymore. I'm obviously not sleeping at the moment and I think its because I fall asleep better when I fall asleep with him. He plays guitar and his voice is ever so deep and dreamy and he talks to me about sweet things late at night. Tiger thinks I'm adorable when I drifting off to sleep on the phone with him. You can tell because the way he talks to me changes a little the deeper into dreamland I go. Its a wonderful way to fall asleep, with Tiger. He doesn't sing but its like a late night lullaby and as silly as it is I miss it even though I've gone with out it for only a couple nights. I think I sleep better even if its not for very long when its with him. It makes me nervous that he still continues to become more and more important. He's becoming almost indespensible. I never wanted that but here we are and I wouldn't change it back. One more week until he gets here. It almost isn't soon enough.

Miss M

Randomness

I really have no one thing I want to talk about or any completly complete thoughts. I've got alot of things on my mind..........

First off I am changing Internet Guy's nic name on here he will hence forth and forever be known to you as Tiger. Internet guy doesn't seem to fit him any more.

So yeah, ever since Tiger actually bought his plane ticket I've been hyped up on anticipation. I try not to think about it to much and keep everything in perspective. I want to stay in reality as much as possible. I'm finding out that that is a very difficult task. My daydreams are getting away from me and I get caught up into such interesting and beautiful thoughts when it comes to him. Its nice but I don't want those things to be in the back of my mind when he comes. I want to enjoy seeing him as is, nothing more, no unrealistic expectations. As much as I try to rebel against my girlie tendency I find myself curious about a life with him and I haven't even met him yet. Last night made me really wonder. Tiger has been tired on the phone with me before but he almost fell asleep on the phone last night. I liked hearing how his breathing changed and I couldn't help but wonder what he looked like falling asleep. How his hair would lay where he had is arms, if he slept on his tummy or side, with a teddy bear. :) I don't know these things and it would be interesting if I was ever privileged to know such things. Who knows I'm just wondering out loud. It doesn't really mean anything I don't think. At least I hope not at this point. Right now meeting him is all I want to handle, because you really can't know if more is what you want till you see them, touch them, watch them intereract in your world. Besides he's also my best friend, that should be enough. It is enough, it is, but sometimes the girl in me gets carried away a bit. They are nice thoughts but his friendship is the most important. I don't want to lose that so, Tiger, don't freak out when you read this. I'm just being a silly girl...................

I being realeased from my calling at church. I was in charge of the young single adults program for awhile. I'm glad I'm not giong to be doing it anymore. It wasn't a good situation. I'm curious about what my next calling is going to be though. I want new oppurtunities to serve. I'd kindof like to teach but I don't want to be in primary even though I love it there. I just think Relief Society is where I need to be, where I want to be. I like feeling grown up like I belong there. That wasn't always the case. I felt like all the ladies were just my moms friends but now they feel like my friends. I like the feeling of sisterhood in Relief Society.......................

I haven't kept you updated on my dad very well lately. For awhile though his cancer was in remission and I wasn't too worried about it but he's been having some stomach problems and when he went in for his scan they found out that the cancer is back and its bigger than it has ever been before. I thought that it was back a couple weeks before his scan but I didn't want to believe it. He had chemo the other week and it was really hard on him. I don't like seeing him sick and uncomfortable. I want him to live forever but I don't like the chemo. I couldn't ask him to stop though or eventhink about it because with chemo at least he has a chance to be around awhile and without it it wouldn't be long before he wasn't here anymore. I'm not ready for him to die yet. I've noticed that the sadness around death is really sortof selfish in a way, sortof. People including myself think about how much they'll miss them. I know for me I think about of really selfish things when it comes to my dads illness and I have alot of guilt about the past and the things that I took away from him. Like how he might not ever dance with me at my wedding or see my children because I was stupid so many years ago and screwed up. Now I might not have those special memories with him. Now he might pass away without ever meeting my husband the person he'll have to entrust with the care and loving of his only daughter. If I could ask for one thing before this illness is that my dad can see me seattled before he goes, if he has to go. I'd rather he didn't have to be sick or dying at all........................

I have lots of other things on my mind but I can't seem to gather them in well enough to type them out. Its all a swirl, but for once I don't feel mixed up, I just feel preoccupied and antsy. I'm all squirmy I want to get up and go but I also just want to be still, breathe deeply, close my eyes and wait for the next big thing to happen.

I want it to be September.

Miss M

I Shall Hum His Praise

My best friend is coming. Internet guy finally bought his plane ticket and he’s going to be here in Illinois the second weekend of September. It causes me to take a moment to seriously reflect on the last year and all the things that brought me to this place in time. It’s been a rough year to say the least but I owe a lot of its surprising smoothness to this great friend of mine. Its amazing to me that a moment of desperation and an incredible act bravery (considering my circumstances) in a silly chat room brought me one of the most wonderful friends I have ever had.

I made the grievous mistake of comparing this great friend of mine to my ex, mostly in my head, because I wanted to deny the fact that I liked him and that he had become important to me more than I had anticipated. No man friend or otherwise was going to be allowed in my inner sanctum again. I had banished men from me and my heart in all their forms. He ever so gently managed to talk me toward the chink in the wall I had built around myself to listen to his idealistic whimsy and kind, unfettered laughter. Like water his delightful personality and kindness washed over my bitter and insecure self and began to wear away my wall, eroding it away so gently that I didn’t even know it was happening until it was too late and I was exposed. But I find myself standing in that position smiling, albeit feeling a bit like a turtle without its shell waiting to see if the person in front of me is friend or foe.

I’m not used to the things that he says and does and I’m baffled at how quickly I ramble myself into a weird mumbly corner every time he does or says something that catches me off guard. This is definitely different from what I am used to from men. I knew and with Ex all together for over four years and in all that time he bought me one gift I actually liked. Everything else I had to buy for myself because not only did he not know me well enough to pick something to my taste but he also usually forgot the days that nice things were traditional. Internet Guy sent me one care package and in that one little shoe box he set a new standard because it didn’t have just one thing it was filled with many things that were perfect and I didn’t even have to tell him. It wasn’t the stuff that impressed me but the fact that he was thoughtful enough and paid attention to me enough to know me. He is my best friend and that alone is amazing. It feels like a gift and miracle. I doubt that he has any idea that when I babble on so strangely after something nice he’s said that he’s just demolished some perception of myself or men that had been long standing in my psyche and it baffles me and I ramble on as I try to process it. He probably thinks I’m nuts, but a cute kind of nuts. :)

I hum when life is blissful. It drives the girls I hang out with nuts, but it’s true, I hum when I’m blissfully happy and wonderfully content and as terrifying as it is to admit, Internet Guy makes me this kind of happy. I’m not sure what’s going to happen between us when the smoke and mirrors of our never having met are gone but I do know that his friendship has been a pivotal part of my life. It has marked me and changed me in the most positive of ways. So when I’m wandering the delightfully whimsical paths of my day dreams and hum to myself know that I am humming his praise because him and his friendship that has made those paths beautiful again.

Miss M

Oh Crap!

Internet guy is wonderful. He's a wonderful friend and from what I can tell a wonderful brother and son. Also wonderfully talented in many ways, and he'll be talented and exceptionally wonderful at most everything he tries. I'm sure he'll also be a wonerful boyfriend and husband someday but I don't think I'll be the girl that gets to figure that out. My friend he posted a blog a little bit about me. And he's right about all of the things he said. I do like him. I like him and care for him a great deal, but in the same breath I'm unsure of how I feel about that. We've kindof talked on the edge of this topic before but I don't think he realizes how deeply I've already thought about this. I'm terrified of what the possibilities could be and the consequences of trying to make something more happen between us. I'm mostly afraid of losing his friendship because it is a most precious and treasured thing to me. I'm not even a hundred percent sure how he feels about me other than just friends. I'm afraid to ask. But who better to fall for but your best friend?

Things are very complicated though. My dad is very very sick. I don't have a lot of freedom or energy to go wild goose chasing at the chance of something more. If anything happens it would have to come from Internet Guy. He would have to say the words first and when he comes reach for me because I just don't have it in me to do it first anymore. I need more faith in him before I can take the leap and if its not really what he meant or what he wants I am content with our friendship as is.

So I say to him, if he's up to it then I'm game.

Oh crap. I think I'm nuts. :)

Miss M


Link to his blog:
http://syglyfe.blogspot.com/

Little Box of Happiness

My best friend is Internet guy. We've known each other for over a year now and its rare for us to go a day with out phoning each other and talking for at least an hour. Out of everyone, with the exception of my family, he knows the most about me. There are very few things that I keep from him. He's the greatest. Internet guys friendship has been a rock for me this past year. Its provided me a stablity in a friendship that I have never known before in a relationship. I apreciate and treasure him like nothing else. He means a great deal to me.

Saturday I sleep in pretty late and when I get up and step out of my room my mom is waiting for me. She's grinning like a little kid and tells me, "Theres a box for you upstairs on the ledge. " In my half awake delirium I was like "wha?" So she told me again and I went flying up the stairs to find it. At the top awaited something so glorious that its hard to describe for you how wonderful I felt to see Internet guys name on the return address. It was fantastic. I couldn't stop grinning and I hadn't even opened it yet. I finally open it and am greeted with a sweet letter a top the tissue paper and newspaper. It was a lovely letter of sincere friendship and kindness. I got a little teary just reading it. It had been sooo long since someone genuinly and selflessly did something nice for me just because...............just because they wanted to.

Under the tissue paper and newspaper was the most wonderful trinkets hand picked just for me. Nailing to a T my humor, my tastes and my sillinesses. No one has more accuratly figured me out before. It was a desperatly need ray of sunshine and hope. I have the greatest best friendever. I have never know a friendship like ours before. It was refreshing and appreciated.

And not only did I get this delightful box but Internet guy and I had glorious good times on the phone and on the web cam this last weekend. I grin just thinking about it. I'm very happy and I'm happy with out expectaions and with out manipulations. He's just my friend and that's enough. I am content with my friend and his little box of happiness. It nice to be treated this way. Its been a long time. Thank you. I know you read this and I hope you know how much I love our friendship.

Miss M

Confusion

I don't have a lot of time so this is going to be a short post, sorry. I promised to write a good long one sooon.

Anyway, I'm sick and tired of being so damn confused all the time. I'm tired of the fellas around me sending mixed and wishy washy signals. I work really hard to not send confusing signals and I hope peole realize that I'm friendly enough that when I do I'm okay with them talking to me about it. I know how much I would love it if I could just go up and be straight forward with someone with out them freaking out and being understanding so I am willing to do that for others. I will answer any question and answer for my actions. I know I'm not perfect and if upset or confused anyone I want them to know its okay to talk to me about it.

There have been several instances of exteme mixed signals and confusion and they involve every guy I'm talking to. It couldn't just be one guy confusing me but all of them. Sock Man, Mr. Man, EX, The Oaf, Bug Eyes, Mr. Iowa, Internet guy II, and the original internet guy. ( And since I know internet guy reads this don't freak out its not a big deal if you want I'll talk to you about it later, but we've basicly talked about it already. ) You know listing them out is kindof funny. I didn't realize I was talking to or involved with so many guys. Most of them are doofuses and friends only a couple do I have any real interest in. One interest kindof surprised me but that's for another time. But I'm very frustrated. I'm tired of boys. If they weren't so important to my life long and eternal goals I'd write them out completly. I'll get over it in a day or two so don't take me too too seriously but I am rather upset by it all at this point and time.

That's it for my rambling for now, but I wanted to say HI to Norway. I have a site meter which tracks who comes on my site and which country they're from and someone from Norway is becoming a faithful reader. So, Hi Norway! And to everyone else who visits don't hesitate to leave comments or what not it'd be fun to hear from ya.

Miss M

Socks and Soda Pop

I think I've met someone new. He seems to be fantastic, but then again I haven't known him for very long. We met a few weeks agao at a YSA FHE at a Bishops home. He loved my socks. They were bright orange with monkeys. I've decided that they are now my lucky socks. I'ved dubbed this new guy Sock Man because of how he reacted to them. He sat down next to me and told me taht they were fantastic socks that he loved 'em. He went on and on about them for a bit. Now mind you this is even before he introduced himself or said hi. Thats what made it so funny. The Wenesday after he invited himslef down to hang out on Saturday. He went to a comedy club with me and The Captain. I saw him on Monday for Volleyball and then I went up to my brother's for the weekend and that jsut happens to be the same area where Sock Man lives so we went out friday with his friend Bug Eyes and saw a movie. Sock man opened all the doors and paid my admission. I wasn't expecting him to do that. Saturday He and I got a quick dinner which he also paid for before seeing another movie. I paid that time I got in line first. :) It was only fair. The really nice and unexpected thing he did is we were eating dinner and I went to take a sip of my Soda and I swirled it first to see how much was left, it was a little low, and before I could even take a sip he asked if I needed more pop took my cup asked what I had and went refilled it. It all happened so quickly. It was unreal. Shocking really. I loved it. How wonderful was that. he was just on top of things on that one. I was very impresssed.

I saw him Sunday at church before I headed home. Monday he came down to spend The Fourth of July with me and my friends and my family. He stayed over night Monday and went to the Ward pancake breakfast on Tuesday morning. I saw him Five days in a row. I saw him again on Friday at our Stake's YSA dance. He asked me to dance first thing before anyone else. Sock Man is a wonderful dancer. I had such a blast. He stayed out with us until three in the morning and then drove the hour and a half home. He was going to come down again Saturday but had homework to do. I should see him tonight at singles. Then Friday and Saturday some of us are going camping and hes coming. Its been insane. I love it. I have had so much fun. It seems like such a whirlwind but its not really going that fast. Its just been a whole lotta fun. its great. I love that he loved my socks and I loved that he refilled my soda. For some reason those thngs really tickled and impressed me. I can get used to this socks and soda pop thing.

Miss M

Appreciated

I honestly didn't think that Mr. Man would acknowledge the email I sent him. I assumed that he'd continue to pretend that I no longer existed. I was wrong. I saw him at institute yesterday. he walked in and saw me sitting on the couch in the foyer and his face grew a smile and he gave me this sideways look and told me that he appreciated the email and that he appreciated the friendship as well. He looked at me a little funny. I'm not really sure how to interpret the look but it seemed like a good one. After that Mr. Man flopped himself on the couch across from me and we set about having a lovely conversation, one that we were so engrossed in that the teacher had to come out and remind us to come in to class. I sat by him like I do just about every week. Normally my presence is generally tolerated and for short moments pleasant but that night he seemed to be happy I was there next to him. It was comfortable. After institute we talked together outside by our cars for another half hour or so. We were the last ones to leave the parking lot. It was really hard to walk away from him. He seemed a little hesitant too.

This is going to be a lot harder than I originally thought. I thought it would make it alot easier not having around anymore, that my head wouldn't be so muddled and confused, but his not being here means that he won't be here. Yeah I know, duh, but really I'm not sure which is worse. There must be something bigger going on here that I'm not seeing. There has to be a reason that all of this is happening, a reason for how all of this is going down.

I need to stop falling in love.

Mr. Man says he appreciates me I just wish he could appreciate me more. So much more that he'd either stay or take me with him. That's the way I would choose for it to go but there must be another path for me to take, away from him. I hope its a prettier, easier path. It can have thorns and what not but hopefully the flowers would hide the thorns because I have someone to walk it with. Right now all I see is the thorns not the beauty.

At least I'm appreciated.

Thats something I guess.

Miss M

Leaving Brings a New Calm

Well Mr. Man is moving. That makes me feel so much better. I think its stupid where and who with but he' s going and I think that that's the important thing. The swirl and the mess of our drama was getting to be a bit much. It's a relief. He's moving to Ohio with his parents, and his sister and new brother-in-law are going to move too. They are all going to live together in one house. It the dumbest thing that the Contessa and Buttman could do when embarking in their new life together. I've lived with parents. Its nice when it is necessary when you have no choice but I would never do it if I could choose to otherwise. It's hard enough to establish who you are as a couple and even harder when your parents are down the hall or in my case walking in your room when ever they flipin feel like and acting shocked at what they might be walking in to. My ex mother in law was nutty. We'll just leave it at that. She could be an entire blog in and of its self. Anyway back to my original point.....

I also think Mr. Man is making a mistake in moving with his family. Not that he shouldn't move he should, just not with his parents. What he should do and the thing that would be the very best would be that he just move out on his own no matter where that is, here or anywhere else. I think Mr. Man would be much happier standing on his own and I think that in doing so it'd give him that missing piece to him that if he had it would almost make him perfect. He would be a real man, not just a scared boy trying and pretending to be one.

If he were the friend that we were when we first found each other I think I'd miss him more when he leaves but not now, not as much as I would have. I probably still will a little because I do love him, but love doesn't always mean you get to keep them. If that happened then life would be too perfect and it just doesn't happen that way for me. It's sad because now the only two men that I've ever loved are both gone. I didn't get to keep either of them. I'm sure its for the best and that I'm just not seeing the whole picture, that I don't have the perspective I need to make all of this easier.

I did something slightly stupid. I emailed Mr. Man. I didn't want him moving away from here thinking that everyone hated him. I wanted him to know that at least one person thought that he was something great. Sometimes that's all people need is to have someone else acknowldege their goodness before they believe it. My mom, who is never shy about telling me when I'm being a silly girl and who knows all that went on, read my saved draft of the email letter and said that it was good and that it may be just the thing that he needed to know before he left. So I feel a little less stupid. Also my goodest friend reassured me as well. He knows just about as much as my mom does. So I'm trusting their judgement on the situation. I just couldn't let him go with out knowing what it is he really did and what he was to me. He did more than he will ever realize.

Here's what I wrote to Mr: Man:

'Mr. Man'

I heard that you were going to be moving. I was going to let the time pass and not say anything but I felt it was necessary to tell you some of the things that are on my mind. I'm not sure if its for my benifit or yours but I felt it needful to share with you some things. I know that you probably stopped caring about what I think a long time ago and that this is probably the worst thing I could do, to be writing you, but it seems like the right thing to do.

I want to compliment you on the person that you are. I know that things are weird between us now but before all thats come since we dated, you and I were close. You came into to my life at a time when I needed a friend the most. I think that in that time and moment you were flawless. Your friendship was a breathe of fresh life that I desperatly needed. Every crisis I had and every moment of doubt you addressed with perfection. Even in the months since our breakup you had a delicacy with my tender insecurities that surpass any expectation anyone could have had and that no one else could have done for me as well as you did. There is an appreciation for you that I doubt that I could convey to you with any sort of accuracy but which seems to be the thing I want you to remember the most. I think that it is important to tell the people in your life who effect you profoundly that you appreciate them.

I won't pretend that I know you pefectly but this I think I know about you is that you strive to do the best that you know you can do. You push yourself and work dilligently to reach the goals that you've set. I also see that at times you can be very hard on yourself, and think that you've failed when things don't go as planned. I thought it important that you should know that someone thinks of you and sees in you many wonderful things. Sometimes in order to believe the good things about ourselves we have to hear them from someone else.

I'm sorry for the things that I may have done or said that were hurtful or unpleasant to you or your family. I hope that this move will be something wonderful for you as terrifying or difficult as it may or may not be. Change is always diffucult. I don't know whether you want to be my friend or not but you should know that you will always be mine. That if there is ever anything that you need that I will be ready and willing to help you in anyway I can. You are someone worth the effort and that my caring for or loving you doesn't mean that I want to keep you but that I want all the happiest and best things that life can give to be yours.

Thank you for all the happy an wonderful moments you've shared with me. I'm sorry to see you and your family leave here.

'Miss M'


So now that it's done its too late to take it back. I think I sent it too early though he isn't leaving until the end of July so I have the next month and a half to run into him in the hallways at church and feel awkward. I should have waited.

Eh.............

Oh well..........

I think I'm going to miss him, a little bit, maybe. I'm not sure yet. There's a calmness that comes over me knowing that he's leaving. We'll see if that's really how its going to be.

Miss M

I make you sick........

I think I'm just a little high strung and stressed out. I think I've been really tired lately because I'm not dealing with the things I need to. I know that I put on a pretty good show for everyone that knows me but I'm basicly depressed and I'm tired because it takes a great deal of effort to pretend not to see what's in front of me. What really bugs is that there really isn't all that much that I should be depressed about. My life is pretty good. All the things I don't like about my life are fixable and changeable. I hate thinking about how pathetic and empty my life feels sometimes. I feel so shallow and useless. The things that I get upset about are childish and silly. I actually have some problems that could really use my attention but its easier to dwell on these stupid and superficial problems.

I made my cat sick. My cat Mickey has been having some health issues and is having some problems with the litter so I took him to the vet yesterday. The vet said he was healthy and fine doing pretty good and said that his potty problems were proobably behavioral and asked if anything was going on at home that might be upseting him. My cats tie into my emotions pretty well. Mickey especially worries about me he always stays close. It made me want to cry that Its more and likely my fault he's acting strange. My stupid meloncholy is making him sick. Its probably my inablity to face things and deal with them head on thats been making me sick as well. Reading the stuff I spew on here makes me nauseous. I can't believe some of the trivial and stupid things I go on and on about. Doesn't it make you sick too?

Grrr........

I'm really going to work hard on changing my attitude and my life. This is all getting so ridiculous. I mean Ex has been gone over a year and Mr. Man and I broke up in January. I should be over these things by now. Whats my problem? Good heavens! I just want to cry at the stupidest things. I feel so stupid. The littlest of things get me sooo upset and I work myself into these girly funks and I want to hide from the world. I really just want to go to sleep for a really long time and hide in my room for a good bit of time. Hopefully I'd reemerge a less stupid person and get over my self and my imaginary problems. I want to be just about anywhere but here. I hate it here, but I don't think it would be different. It would be the same everywhere beecause I would be the same because I haven't changed and I'm not changing. I'm just stagnating and I hate that. I hate feeling like this.

I used to be happy.

I remember being a happy person. I used to feel joy in all things. I had so much hope and gumption. I was fearless. Tenacious. I was a spitfire. People say I'm still all these things and I'm sure that for the most part I am, but at night I'm alone with myself. Alone with this sad, tired and heartbroken woman who feels like a child lost, wandering this gigantic world all by myself. I hate being alone. But the kindof man that I want wouldn't want the girl that I am right now. I'm not a good enough person solo so I won't be much use in a partnership. And that's what I wnat is a partnership and it wouldn't be fair of me to rely on someone else for my sole happiness. That has to come from with in before I'm much use to anyone else. But In the same breathe it would be so nice to have someone to lean on right now. Not just figuratively but actually lean on them. It would be nice to just sit close to someone and lay my head on their shoulder and close my eyes and breathe it all in and then cry it all out. To have someone else carry the load for awhile and deal with life for a bit while I gather my strength. It would be wonderful to have someone to care for again. I miss that I miss having another warm body laying next to me in the dark. Even though Ex was terrible there was comfort in knowing that when I reached out in the stillness that his warmth would be there and sometimes he was something good and he'd lift me up and protect me from the world, from myself. He saw in me something that no one else saw. I miss loving and being loved. I don't miss him. I sometimes miss Mr. Man. (Those sometime are getting farther and farther apart though.) No one else has ever made me feel so taken care of, respected and cherished as I felt when I was with him. Our relationship was flawless while we dated. It wasn't until until he decided he was done that it turned into something so heartwrenching. Which is the way it always goes I guess. I still don't know why he broke up and its basicly been a nightmare since.

I'm really getting sick of other people's decisions affected my life so dramaticlly. They make a unilateral stupid decision and I'm left with the consequences and they go off unscathed. I'm getting a little tired of cleaning up the mess that others have caused. It shouldn't be this complicated. Love is a simple thing. We, as people, are the idiots that make it complicated. It wasn't meant to be this hard.

Miss M

Jittery

I am so tired. I'm generally exhausted all of the time. So going to sleep at night should be no problem, right? Nope. Its a huge problem. I love my bed. Love it. It's fantastic. Its comfy it's just the right temperature, the perfect blankies and pillows the most wonderful kitties to keep me company but yet, no sleep. Wonderful bed, no sleep.

Grrr....grr. Blah!

This blows. I'm all jittery. My mind is racing a million miles an hour and I can't focus on just one thing it jumps around and is going crazy. I really don't have much to think about either. I mean I do but most of it is out of my hands and I have no control over any of it so its completely pointless to think about. I can't sit still. My leg is all jumpy, every time I lay down I want to get up and move. I want to talk to someone but I don't want to put in the effort of calling anyone nor do I have any idea who I could talk to. I have a good idea of who I want to talk to and who I really shouldn't talk to. I have a many conversations I wish I could and were having because I'm sure I'd sleep better once I got it out of my system.

Mr. Man called me yesterday. For no good reason. He called to find out where we were meeting for singles. I had just given him three months worth of activities all of which have time and places for all our activities including yesterday's. It was an unnecessary fact finding phone call. It ended up being the longest phone conversation we've had in months and months. It was fantastic I had to put in no effort he called me and he was the one that did most of the talking. Mr. Man was even trying to help me figure out a couple of my more non personal problems. He inspected my car yesterday. He told me once just before we started dating that he likes to make sure that the cars of the people he cares about are doing ok because it means that the people he cares about are safer. He's inspected my car on a regular basis ever since. After we broke up he did it more slyly so I wouldn't know but yesterday he did it blatantly and smirked when I asked him if he was, in fact, inspecting my car. He tried half heartedly to deny it at first but gave up and admitted it. The list of confusing things goes on and on and on. I flirt with every guy I know on a regular basis they know its harmless, Mr. Man would basically roll his eyes at me and then ignore it. Yesterday I told him I love to watch him walk away and he smiled and then strutted!!! I mean good heavens, What the Crap!?!

Hmmmmm.............

I'm not really sure what's going on here but I am on guard.

He will not side swipe me again. When he liked me the first time around it totally shocked me and I was completely, completely unprepared for the onslaught his affections turned out to be. This time I have to be on my toes and at the top of my game for many reasons. Part of me thinks that Mr. Man might not be aware of what turmoil and upheaval he is causing by his mixed signals and there is a distinct possibility that he does know what he's about and he's intentionally flirting with me. Or a third more precarious cicumstance is he's still unsure of what he wants us to be and he's testing these dangerous waters with a very gunshy and jumpy girl who's more than a little uneasy with the idea of a serious relationship even though its her deepest desire. Mr. Man has no Idea what he may be getting himself into. I might be a bit too much woman for him.

Because and despite of this I'm still left wide awake and exhausted. I'm uber jittery and fidgety. Good gracious I'm tired. I suppose I'll have to deal with all that's going on but it'd be a lot easier if I could sleep through part of it.

*YAWN*

Grrrrrrr..........Silly boys!

Hmmff!!

Oh well.

Miss M

Should I Kick Him or Kiss Him

Mr. Man is bugging me. Ever since tha dance he's been looking at me and talking to me differently. Even other people are starting to notice that he's flirting a bit with me. It's driving me insane. It's terrifying me. I know that I still care about him a great deal but I don't want to be hurt again. We were over at a friend's house and when he was leaving he asked to hug me. Told me to come over to him and he hugged me and not just the quick pat sort of hug but a real one where our bodies mostly touched. Oh he he felt so nice and smelled so good and he smiled at me so big.

I feel sick to my stomach.

This makes me so nervous. I don't like to be confused. I like to know where I stand with people especially with Mr. Man. Our relationship always seems so precarious. I'm afraid that if I push too hard to understand whats happening that he'll run again. And as much as his flirting terrifies me I don't want him to run again. I want him to stay. I am just so frustrated though. I have a tedency to read too much into things so I've been trying to be really careful to stay in reality, but now that others have mentioned it to me my heart seems to want dare to dream. I want to kick him for confusing me but if this is real if he means what hes doing I could almost kiss him. I didn't get to last time. I sortof chickened out. But If we had another chance I'd kick him then I'd kiss him. :)

Miss M

Walking a Lonely Road

I am a confused and tired. I'm tired of being soo confused and frustrated. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of the mess that my life seems to be in. I'm tired of loving people I can't keep. I'm tired of being scared of new opportunities although I seem to rush at them blindly. I'm tired of worrying all the time. I'm tired of everyone else being my main concern instead of fixing the things that I know are damaged within me, because I am broken. I'm damaged and insecure. I'm messed up and frustrated. I can't seem to decide what it is that I need to do and stick with it. It seems to be changing everyday.

I went to a dance yesterday. It was a glorious time I had so much fun, But my emotions seemed to run the gambit. Every emotion possible possessed me at some point and time. Anger, rage, frustration, giddy, Happy, thankful, sad, melancholy, heartache, flirty, coy, lust, love, remorse. heartache, and a Million others. Its amazing to me how I could experience all that and still say I had a wonderful time. My relationships seem to be so complex and I'm not sure if its because they are or because I make them that way. Mr. Man always seems to be on the outskirts of everything. I had such a wonderful time with him at the dance. We danced together several times. It was so much fun. I was fine and happy and I was content with just friends until we danced together the third time. I was teasing him about how me and Captain Doofus felt jipped because the dates we got out of him seemed to be simple and cheap compared to this one date he had with Captain Albino. I was teasing it was all in good fun most of these dates were just for fun and we had talked about them before, but as we swayed to the music with the lights swirling around us he looked at me with eyes that seemed to speak of some pain and some admiration and told me that I had not been jipped. Reminding me without so many words that our dating was different. He wouldn't stop looking at me. He stared at my face seemingly enraptured with it, with me. He looked at me directly and in the eyes. He looked at me in a way that people who are just friends shouldn't look. I talked a mile a minute like I always do when I'm nervous and scared. Unsure of what he was doing and trying to say. It was exhilarating and terrifying. I only have it in me to handle one thing at a time. I had wrapped my head around the friend thing and I was going along with that pretty well but he throws things at me that I don't expect. The Contessa of Quick Wit even informed me that when the Oaf of Doolittle cut in on me and Mr. Man dancing that Mr. Man was very upset and unhappy about The Oaf doing that, interrupting our dance. I don't understand. He does everything he can to remind me of my place and then he pulls crap like that and confuses me. He even seemed to get over excited when the other girls let it slip that I had an interest in one of the other guys that was coming. He didn't like that I wouldn't tell him and even brought it up again today when I saw him. Mr. Man frustrates me.

I did see the guy I was hoping to see. I'll call him Mr. Iowa. I've seen him before at a few other dances I talked about him in another post he was the DDR guy I danced with. I was impressed with him then and then I ran into him again when I went to that conference with Mr. Man and the other girl from church. He was great there too. I got his phone number when I was up there but I've been too chicken to call. He remembered me and I suppose hit on me a little or at least did some pretty good flirting. I did a good job of it with him I returned the flirting beautifully and we are already planning to see each other in June for the Dance that I'm planning for my Stake. I really had a good time with him and I can't wait to see him again. I think I have a bit of a crush on him and that terrifies me. I have a really hard time with this dating stuff. Its no big deal when it doesn't mean anything but If I see any sort of real possibilities I turn tail. I'm terrified for "normal" people to see how screwed up that I feel I am. I don't want to be opened to more hurt because Ex and Mr. Man are still getting to me and I don't need Mr. Iowa or anyone else for that matter screwing with me. I seem to be a delicate balancing act as it is and I don't need one more imaginary emotional issue to deal with.

On top of my idiot girliness I always seem to have going on, because I'm an idiot girl, other more serious things are adding themselves to my already overwhelming life. I need to see a doctor. I have something going on that is very similar to what I've had before and it could be no big deal or it could be something rather serious if I try to ignore it. Financial issue with my health care and in general are getting there moment on my mind's stage. I'm just barely getting out of the mess that Ex created with my spineless help. I have some but not all of that debt paid off and its getting better all the time but if my health issue is what it is that I think that it is than its going to be very very expensive. I also have no more health insurance with my new job. I have wonderful wonderful friends and I cherish them so much and I'm so happy to have them but I still feel very much alone. I want to be sad and I don't want them to see. I want to be scared but I have to be strong. I don't like them to see that my faith is not as strong as it should be. I know. I know that everything is going to be okay and that eventually I'm going to have everything that I want and I'll get to that place that I want to be in in life. I know this but in the mean time while my life is catching up to my hopes and prayers I'm feeling overwhelmed and underqualified to handle all the millions of difficulties that seem to continue to come at me. I know what it is that I need to do to get all the things that I need and want out of life but they seem so far away and unattainable sometimes. I feel pelted and injured and gun shy from all that's come at me in the last year.

Next Saturday will be exactly one year since I put Ex on a bus to Utah. When I look back I have no idea how I did it. It was so much and it was so hard. I felt like I was going to going to cry forever so I guess every once and awhile isn't so bad. Things are getting better and compared to that with a little perspective what's happening right now isn't so bad. It just feels that way. I just feel like I'm walking a very hard and difficult road all by myself, but my road isn't really as hard as it seems to be sometimes and its only lonely because I forget to look around and see that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me so very much and has provided everything I need to help me travel life's treacherous road including an elder Brother who went before me and shows me the way, shows all of us a way to make it through the thorns and everything else. He's already cleared the way and helps us carry our burdens. I just need the faith to believe that this isn't really the lonely road that it feels like. And as always tomorrow is always better. I just need to breath.

Miss M