Snippets of Love

Tiger works second shift and I work during the day so we can't really talk to each other until very late at night. The closest we get to talking to each other through the day is text messaging. Its not much just a sentence or two whenever either of us gets a free moment. I'm hooked on them now. I think I would go nuts if I didn't get them a hundred times a day. He puts so much in those few words. I see his face when I read them and I picture in my head the way his face and mouth would be moving if he was saying those same things in person. That imagining makes those text messages even better. I get to have him with me all day. Its not enough I want him with me for real but this'll do. I like these little snippets of love. Sometimes if you piece them all together its just like a love letter. Its him telling me he loves me or misses me or reassuring me when I fear and doubt or him just being silly and sweet and wonderful.

I love him. I can't stop and I don't want to.

Yesterday we talked about being married and how wonderful it would be to be together like that. I like daydreaming together with him like that. Everything he says is perfect like he's inside me and picking out all the deepest desires I have to say back to me but the amazing thing is he's not saying them for my sake. He says these beautiful things because its what he wants. I feel like I'm getting too wrapped up in him. I'm still waiting for the sky to fall in on me. I don't trust that this is going to last. I want it to. I want nothing more than to keep him, But I feel like I don't deserve this much happiness, like something is waiting just out of sight to mess this all up. It'll probably be me or maybe he'll get scared. I dunno. I dunno what's going to happen and I have no control over any of it and that scares me. Its up to him what will happen next and how soon. I hope its soon and not just because I'm impatient for the things that I want, there's more to it than that. A lot is going on for me and my family right now. My dad isn't getting any better. In fact it feels like he's getting worse. He looks worse. He sleeps more. He doesn't even have the energy to get grumpy anymore. The chemo made him grumpy. I want him to be there if Tiger and I were to decide to get married. He needs to be there. It would be good for my mom to have something happy to focus on instead of my dad. She's already planning stuff in her head and looking at dresses online. It seems to make her happy and for a little while she doesn't look so sad and stressed. That's why I don't tell her to stop. It would also bring all the family together with my dad before anything would happen. One of the other big things is it would be very hard to plan a happy wedding post funeral if anything were to happen with dad. I hate thinking about these things but I do. I don't want to tell Tiger these things either because I don't want him to think I'm pressuring him or manipulating him. He knows now though because he reads this. I want him to have no worries though. I just think about these things sometimes because that's what I do. I worry even before there's anything to worry about. I worry knowing that everything will be okay but I still worry. Everything will work out the way its suppose to in the right moment and the right time. I shouldn't even be talking about all this. This is a happy time. I'm beginning something wonderful with my best friend and I don't want to rush anything. I want to drink it all in and savor it because I have never been loved like this and I want to remember how it feels.

I can't take the smile off my face he makes me so happy. I like believing that we'll be together eternally in the end but I'll be patient and wait for this love story to unfold like its meant to with out me meddling with it and possibly mucking it up. I'm trusting him with my heart which would normally terrify me but he seems to have very capable hands. I feel cherished and respected and that is the greatest thing in the world. I like all this. I like living my days with my little snippets of love from him in our texting. Its enough. Everything else will come in time if its meant to. He loves me and that's fantastic. I'm enjoying being loved.

Miss M