Silly Idiot

Ok, I'm recently new to the whole dating thing and I wasn't very good at it before the ex escapades. I had my moments of dating brilliance, but nothing of significance and all my really good stuff was used on someone who really doesn't care anymore (he claims he does but I don't believe him, he's crazy, literally). Anyway, I digress, moving on. So yeah dating, me, no good. Hilarious I admit, but that's all I'll admit. ;) It just baffles me how much of an idiot I become if some one smiles at me in that way that's just a little more than a regular smile. Now there are many possibilities on the next Mr. M or at least the next boyfriend or special friend of Miss M., but there are only two of note. And today they both made me feel like a silly idiot. A delightful feeling most times but odd, new, different, a wonder and interestingly astonishing. I like all of this. This giddy rush of warm pink that washes over me. It reminds me that I'm alive. That I still have it in me to fall in love again. That it wasn't me that was screwed up the last time, because I rock. Who wouldn't fall for me? I'm fantastic. A silly idiot but that's what makes me so endearing. I mean who really wants a girl who cool, calm and collected all the time. Everybody, boy or girl, wants someone who's willing to look like an idiot and be real. A flawed sometimes desperate beautiful mix of a person. No one genuine wants a barbie doll who smiles just so and acts just so. At least I don't. I want some one who makes mistakes. Someone who accidentally bops you in the face the first time he tries to put his arm around you at the movie. I want a boy to get so nervous when he tries to kiss me the first time that he closes his eyes too soon and gets my nose, and then plays it off like he meant to do that. And one day far from today who's hair sticks up and their breath stinks in the morning. Someone who looks their most attractive with baby spit up on their shoulder and barrettes in his hair from the tea party with our daughter.It really doesn't have to be that specific but things like that, unexpected and imperfectly perfect.

Now these boys are doing a good job of making me blush and run into things. Both of which happened today. Boy one, we'll call him internet guy, because that's where we met. We had a short conversation about kissing. It was playful more than anything, but it made me blush and grin like an idiot and it made him grin and giggle. (I love it when he does that) It wasn't much but it was fun. I enjoy the simple sweetness of it all. Nothing serious but fun nonetheless. Now boy two, we'll call him......He's a little harder to name....Let me think....Ok...We'll call him Mr. Man. Generic but somewhat fitting. He goes to my church here and Mr Man is as much of an idiot as I am. He invents reasons to talk to me and watches me when I walk whenever I walk. (He doesn't know that I notice this, hehe) Today in the primary, our children's sunday school, we chatted a bit. Then I had to go do something but I forgot to do something else in the primary so I had to go back. He watched me come in and he gave me a little smile and his eyes lit up. I smiled back and started to leave. I looked back and he smiled again just as I got to the door and it caught me of guard how big of a wonderful smile he gave me and I ran into the door a little bit and almost knocked over the poor sister headed out the door in front of me. It happened just outside of his eyeline but it still made me feel like a silly idiot. A wonderful happy bemused silly idiot. I love this. Two wonderful boys each delightfully great guys to be with and both innocently enamored with me. It can't get much better than this. I love being an idiot.

Miss M

The Beast

Sorrow, not everyone experiences it the same, at least I don’t think that they do. For me it’s a very potent thing that fills every sense and every feeling. The best that I can describe it is as a great beast deep in your belly lying dormant and sleeping. Its not really doing anything but its there giving you a tummy ache and making you feel terrible, you can feel the steady pulse and breathing of it but you’re not always sure what it exactly it is. It’s something that you can live with but it’s uncomfortable. So you go through your days and your weeks with this great beast as a companion feeling a little off but functional. Then one day someone comes and pokes the sleeping beast and stirs it. It may not be much but he rustles a bit and huffs and you have a bit of a jolt from the movement. Then something or someone comes by and pokes it again. This time he gets a bit more upset and this beast of sorrow stands and turns circles trying to find a better place to rest. Now you are really starting to realize that he’s waking and you hope he doesn’t wake up too much because you don’t want anyone else to know that he’s there, that this ugly beast is inside of you. And while you are in this turmoil and your belly is really starting to hurt another unknowing idiot comes and pokes it. They poke it really hard and the beast starts to get angry. He huffs harder and steam starts to build behind your eyes making moisture fill your eyes to cool the burn. You start blinking more frequently and there’s a pain in you chest as the sorrowful beast tries to claw its way out. And of course there is always one more person who says that one thing that really pokes and pisses off the beast and he starts to really get mad and he stomps and huffs and claws and the burning tears wash over your contorted face and your throat tries to close to keep the beast in and hidden but coughs and gasps and wails escape you as you weep from the pain of him stomping and carrying on and throwing a fit. He’s furious angry and frustrated. I think that that’s what sorrow and sadness really is, anger and fury. It just manifests itself as tears. You want to scream, “Oh just leave my beast alone. I’ll get rid of him when I’m ready!”
Sorrow is a process. It takes time to rid yourself of such an awful beast, but the more I experience it the more I realize you have to want to let it go. Right now my sadness is all I’m sure of because everything else is such a mess. I can’t let it stay for very much longer, because I’m missing it. I’m missing all the beautiful things in life that are happening all around me. I’m blinded and stuck the longer I feed this beast inside me. I have to let it go and be scared for awhile. The future is scary right now because I don’t know what’s going to happen I don’t have any real or definite goals. I’ve had to discover for myself who I want to be and I just don’t know yet. I’ll know eventually but for now I don’t and that’s terrifying. My faith is growing but it’s a slower process than I would like it to be. I’m glad things are starting to look better and things are starting to fall into place. I need to look for the joy and goodness in my life in order to kill this beast and move on. There is so much around me that is beautiful I just need to open my eyes and wipe away the tears so I can see clearly again. I know that I’m not the only one who is going through this so to everyone else who is battling this beast I say, “Happy hunting. We’ll get through this together.”
He’s not as scary as he looks. I know I can do this.

Miss M

My Faith

This weekend I’m going someplace very sacred to me and I’m going to make promises to my Heavenly Father. Promises and covenants that will bless my life in countless ways. I am so very excited for this opportunity. It has taken me a long time to get to this point in my life and I am so very proud of myself. I never thought that I would be worthy of such a privilege. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I say that with conviction, courage and reverence. It is my faith it is a very big part of who I am and who I am striving to become. I love this gospel and the belief I have in my Heavenly Father’s love and in the love and sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Before now I felt unworthy and I felt as if I was a disappointment to the privilege of being a daughter of my Heavenly Father and a regrettable member of His church, but I was mistaken. We are all His children and He loves us and knows each of us personally and individually. We are not loved as a group of His children we are loved and cherished separately and uniquely. We may join together in worship and faith as His children but we would be just as loved and He would have done all things for just one of us. What ever self esteem I may lack, knowing that I am loved in this way is often a source of great comfort and has recently and often times in the past been the only thing I thought I had that was worth continuing on for. I want to please my Heavenly Father and do the things that He asks of me because I know that all things are done for my good and my progression back to Him. I may not understand everything now in this life and it may take the eternities for me to learn it and get it right, but all he asks of me is to do my best and endure to the end. What better way to honor such love and faith in me but to strive to do my best to obey His words and to live my life after the example of His son and my brother Jesus the Christ the redeemer of my soul.
In my church when you are ready to enter the temple you are interviewed by worthy men of our church who have been appointed by God to be stewards of His children, these men help and guide and council us and they preside over the meeting houses and meetings. In these interviews they ask questions that are necessary to determine if you are worthy but to also see if you are ready to enter the House of the Lord, these sacred temples. After your second interview you are given a slip of paper called a recommend that you show at the temple to prove that you were found worthy. When I was handed this tiny slip of paper the feelings the washed over me were almost inexplicable. The Joy and the happiness that I felt were amazing. I felt as if every wrong I had committed had been forgiven, every hurt that I still carried healed, every sacrifice I had made to get to this point was worth it. Tears came to my eyes as the Spirit filled my heart with joy and wonder at this wonderful privilege. As I sit now and ponder these happenings I wonder, if it felt that great to just hold the piece of paper that proved my worthiness then how fantastic will be the day when I enter into His Holy House. How amazing it will be to be with the people I care most about in this world and then to covenant with my Father in Heaven that I will always do my best to follow Him, to sit in this holy and wonderful and beautiful place and feel His love chase away all the darkness all the hurts and pains and sorrows from my tired and mournful spirit, and to have His Spirit enlighten mine with the teachings of His perfect and wonderful gospel and of the Plan of Salvation. I am in awe of it all. My soul quivers in anticipation at the thought of it.
I have a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ and that I am a daughter of God. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, and I know that Gordon B. Hinckley is a prophet of God today. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the true church. I know this and testify to you of these things in the name of His son, Jesus Christ, Amen.

I had some misgivings about sharing all of this with the world at large but I have nothing to be ashamed of or anything to be scared of. This is me and these are the things that I believe in and I want all the world to know of the things in which I have conviction of and the testimony I have of its truthfulness. If you have any questions at all feel free to ask me or go to www.lds.org and find out more.

Miss M

Tired

I am so tired, but I don’t seem to want to go to sleep. I haven’t even tried yet. I still have my work clothes on. I just barely took my shoes off. I hate when I get into these moods. I very much like sleep but when I feel like this it is unwanted, almost as if I’m afraid of it like I’m unsure if I want to relax, like the process of it is too difficult. I guess when I’m falling asleep I feel as if things are slipping out of my control. If I start to sleep maybe I’ll have to feel something I’ve been avoiding or think about things that are unpleasant. When I’m fully awake it isn’t as much of concern but when I’m drifting off to sleep these things just seem to slip in unnoticed and then I have a fitful night of tossing and turning and uneasiness. I like very much to have peace and calm around me but especially within me. I don’t like to feel unsettled or uneasy. I also don’t like it when my emotions get the best of me. I don’t like how sad I feel a good majority of the time and if I’m not sad I’m annoyed or angry. I know that I’m have the ultimate control over how I feel and how I react to thing but it seems as if I have no energy or desire to change it. Lately I don’t want to I want to be pissed off for once in my life and have that be okay. I want to lie on the ground and scream and yell and wail and be sorrowful and upset. I want to throw a holy fit and to heck with it all. I want to just whomp on some people. I want to sit with someone and cry every ounce of water and moisture out of my body and onto their shirt as they hold my inconsolable soul against their loving body till I fall asleep in a pile of sorrow and grief and hopefully wake up to a better tomorrow. I want to fall to pieces and just have someone else take care of my life in the mean time; pay the bills, feed the cats, maintain the car, work the crappy job and just do it all for me till I feel strong enough and willing to take it over again. I want to not care so much what people think of me and I want to be easier on myself because I expect entirely too much out of myself. Its good to strive to be better but I take it too far and I’m somewhat abusive to myself. I want so many things, I want love I want a life that fulfills me. I want to be content with what I have with who I am. I want to be passionate and affectionate with someone who won’t go away or leave me.  I want to know that I really am okay. I want to be able to sleep at night and not be afraid of it, of relaxing. I want my dreams to be happy. I want to breathe. I want to be happy and optimistic again, not just in staggered moment but a majority of the time. I want……………more.

Miss M

Love

I guess more than anything lately I’ve been thinking about love. Romantic may be the first that comes to mind and the one I think about most but I also think about all the different kinds of love. I admit that I miss the happy things I had with my ex husband, but he gave love conditionally. I’ve been trying lately to think only on the wonderful moments that we shared, but I’m having some difficulty in doing that, mostly because I’ve been talking to someone new. He isn’t anything too too serious at this point but he’s becoming a good friend and as friends do, especially when they’re still pretty new, we are feeling each other out getting an idea of who this person is and what life this person has lived. We spend a good amount of time just talking about anything everything and it’s in the course of these discussions that I get a great deal of confusion and muddled emotions. These conversations stir memories of the past that leave me feeling unsettled ad uneasy. Not that he is similar to the ex but that in the course of conversation I recall things. It’s very much hard to explain exactly what it is that’s going on in my head. I feel inclined to talk about it though even if it doesn’t make any sense to anyone but me.

I miss so many things about being in love and I worry that I’ll rush into a new relationship just to have that back again. I want things to be different, not just something that’ll last longer but something altogether more joyous. I want to be in love without the abuse, to be with someone who is willing to love me back without the conditions and with the understanding that I’ve been hurt and can understand or at least be accepting of my emotional vulnerabilities and insecurities because at this point there are so many of them. They might not be so outwardly visible to anyone but I feel them. I notice them as I converse and grow an innocent affection for this new friend (who I hope is not freaking out if he’s reading this). I just find myself remembering the beginnings with my ex and I the more I talk with the new boy, and it frustrates me and it scares me, because love always begins the same. Everyone is kind and sweet and generous with themselves in the beginning. I don’t want to say I was blameless in my last relationship but it was not me that made things bitter and unhappy. I gave everything I had and more to him and our marriage. I nearly lost my family and all my friends and as unhealthy as that was it is what happened. There was a sort of gladness in the fact that I was with him that I could share all I had and felt with this man. There were so many happy moments that I do not want to forget but they are all tainted by the things that came after. I do not trust that the memories weren’t rose colored by my naivety about love and life. I hope to have more such moments but without the pain of one person’s need to control and manipulate me. I’d like to say that this new friend is different that he would not be like that if it ever were to get to that point, but I thought my ex would never do that to me either. I know it’s just my being unsure of myself and not trusting my judgments anymore and that my emotional wounds are still healing. I hope that I can find someone who is gentle and kind, loving and forgiving of my shortcomings and insecurities. This new friend as interested as I am to see where it will go is not something I am ready for, Today. Someday…..........maybe. Who knows, it is all so very confusing and interesting. I get the whole married and relationship thing but the wooing and courtship is a little bit harder for me to grasp. I want to be swept off my feet I want someone to put some effort into me to make me a priority and to do so willingly because they want to, because they want to be with me always. I want someone to feel honored to have me and smitten by my charms and feel gratitude for my company. Is that too much to ask for? : )

Miss M