Tired

I am so tired, but I don’t seem to want to go to sleep. I haven’t even tried yet. I still have my work clothes on. I just barely took my shoes off. I hate when I get into these moods. I very much like sleep but when I feel like this it is unwanted, almost as if I’m afraid of it like I’m unsure if I want to relax, like the process of it is too difficult. I guess when I’m falling asleep I feel as if things are slipping out of my control. If I start to sleep maybe I’ll have to feel something I’ve been avoiding or think about things that are unpleasant. When I’m fully awake it isn’t as much of concern but when I’m drifting off to sleep these things just seem to slip in unnoticed and then I have a fitful night of tossing and turning and uneasiness. I like very much to have peace and calm around me but especially within me. I don’t like to feel unsettled or uneasy. I also don’t like it when my emotions get the best of me. I don’t like how sad I feel a good majority of the time and if I’m not sad I’m annoyed or angry. I know that I’m have the ultimate control over how I feel and how I react to thing but it seems as if I have no energy or desire to change it. Lately I don’t want to I want to be pissed off for once in my life and have that be okay. I want to lie on the ground and scream and yell and wail and be sorrowful and upset. I want to throw a holy fit and to heck with it all. I want to just whomp on some people. I want to sit with someone and cry every ounce of water and moisture out of my body and onto their shirt as they hold my inconsolable soul against their loving body till I fall asleep in a pile of sorrow and grief and hopefully wake up to a better tomorrow. I want to fall to pieces and just have someone else take care of my life in the mean time; pay the bills, feed the cats, maintain the car, work the crappy job and just do it all for me till I feel strong enough and willing to take it over again. I want to not care so much what people think of me and I want to be easier on myself because I expect entirely too much out of myself. Its good to strive to be better but I take it too far and I’m somewhat abusive to myself. I want so many things, I want love I want a life that fulfills me. I want to be content with what I have with who I am. I want to be passionate and affectionate with someone who won’t go away or leave me.  I want to know that I really am okay. I want to be able to sleep at night and not be afraid of it, of relaxing. I want my dreams to be happy. I want to breathe. I want to be happy and optimistic again, not just in staggered moment but a majority of the time. I want……………more.

Miss M