*Happy Sigh*

He’s smitten. He just can’t help himself because I rock. I can’t blame him for falling for me because I am so fantastic. He makes me feel fantastic. Mr. Man is doing a wonderful job of joining me in the ranks of silly idiot-hood. Last Sunday we could barely keep our eyes off each other.  We exchanged smiles and glances whenever we got the chance. He was so excited to talk to me he just about jumped out of the pew to say hi to me and ask me how I was. It was so obvious that his dad just kept grinning and smirking at us and my mom kept elbowing me and smiling. It was great. He’s great. I can’t help but smile just thinking about it. I never thought that I would ever want to, be able to or have the opportunity to fall in love again. I’m not saying that I’m completely fallen yet but its sure starting, for the both of us. Monday at our singles group we got to talk and ride over together and then afterward I drove him to his dad’s work to drop something off. Mr. Man’s dad is and air traffic controller at the local airport and he invited me up to see. It was amazing. You could see so far all around and the cities were so beautiful all lit up for the night. I even got to see them land one of the planes. It was awesome. I leaned over to tell Mr. Man how cool it was and when our fingers brushed he snatch my hand and into his and held it while he gently caressed my hand with his thumb. Oh I just about swallowed my heart and I nearly stopped breathing. It was extraordinary the feelings that washed over me when he was holding my hand. It was only for a moment but what a moment it was. Later when I was taking him back to his car at the church we sat in the parking lot and talked for a good while. He had told me earlier that my being married before didn’t bother him and part of me didn’t trust that that was true so I asked him again to be sure. When I did he took my hand again and held it. Gently touching it and stroking it. It doesn’t bother him at all. How absolutely amazing and wonderful that is. I’ve been noticing him for a long time now and to have him return the regard and affection was more than I could have ever imagined. I am so happy and excited to see where this all goes.

Miss M

Silly Idiot

Ok, I'm recently new to the whole dating thing and I wasn't very good at it before the ex escapades. I had my moments of dating brilliance, but nothing of significance and all my really good stuff was used on someone who really doesn't care anymore (he claims he does but I don't believe him, he's crazy, literally). Anyway, I digress, moving on. So yeah dating, me, no good. Hilarious I admit, but that's all I'll admit. ;) It just baffles me how much of an idiot I become if some one smiles at me in that way that's just a little more than a regular smile. Now there are many possibilities on the next Mr. M or at least the next boyfriend or special friend of Miss M., but there are only two of note. And today they both made me feel like a silly idiot. A delightful feeling most times but odd, new, different, a wonder and interestingly astonishing. I like all of this. This giddy rush of warm pink that washes over me. It reminds me that I'm alive. That I still have it in me to fall in love again. That it wasn't me that was screwed up the last time, because I rock. Who wouldn't fall for me? I'm fantastic. A silly idiot but that's what makes me so endearing. I mean who really wants a girl who cool, calm and collected all the time. Everybody, boy or girl, wants someone who's willing to look like an idiot and be real. A flawed sometimes desperate beautiful mix of a person. No one genuine wants a barbie doll who smiles just so and acts just so. At least I don't. I want some one who makes mistakes. Someone who accidentally bops you in the face the first time he tries to put his arm around you at the movie. I want a boy to get so nervous when he tries to kiss me the first time that he closes his eyes too soon and gets my nose, and then plays it off like he meant to do that. And one day far from today who's hair sticks up and their breath stinks in the morning. Someone who looks their most attractive with baby spit up on their shoulder and barrettes in his hair from the tea party with our daughter.It really doesn't have to be that specific but things like that, unexpected and imperfectly perfect.

Now these boys are doing a good job of making me blush and run into things. Both of which happened today. Boy one, we'll call him internet guy, because that's where we met. We had a short conversation about kissing. It was playful more than anything, but it made me blush and grin like an idiot and it made him grin and giggle. (I love it when he does that) It wasn't much but it was fun. I enjoy the simple sweetness of it all. Nothing serious but fun nonetheless. Now boy two, we'll call him......He's a little harder to name....Let me think....Ok...We'll call him Mr. Man. Generic but somewhat fitting. He goes to my church here and Mr Man is as much of an idiot as I am. He invents reasons to talk to me and watches me when I walk whenever I walk. (He doesn't know that I notice this, hehe) Today in the primary, our children's sunday school, we chatted a bit. Then I had to go do something but I forgot to do something else in the primary so I had to go back. He watched me come in and he gave me a little smile and his eyes lit up. I smiled back and started to leave. I looked back and he smiled again just as I got to the door and it caught me of guard how big of a wonderful smile he gave me and I ran into the door a little bit and almost knocked over the poor sister headed out the door in front of me. It happened just outside of his eyeline but it still made me feel like a silly idiot. A wonderful happy bemused silly idiot. I love this. Two wonderful boys each delightfully great guys to be with and both innocently enamored with me. It can't get much better than this. I love being an idiot.

Miss M

The Beast

Sorrow, not everyone experiences it the same, at least I don’t think that they do. For me it’s a very potent thing that fills every sense and every feeling. The best that I can describe it is as a great beast deep in your belly lying dormant and sleeping. Its not really doing anything but its there giving you a tummy ache and making you feel terrible, you can feel the steady pulse and breathing of it but you’re not always sure what it exactly it is. It’s something that you can live with but it’s uncomfortable. So you go through your days and your weeks with this great beast as a companion feeling a little off but functional. Then one day someone comes and pokes the sleeping beast and stirs it. It may not be much but he rustles a bit and huffs and you have a bit of a jolt from the movement. Then something or someone comes by and pokes it again. This time he gets a bit more upset and this beast of sorrow stands and turns circles trying to find a better place to rest. Now you are really starting to realize that he’s waking and you hope he doesn’t wake up too much because you don’t want anyone else to know that he’s there, that this ugly beast is inside of you. And while you are in this turmoil and your belly is really starting to hurt another unknowing idiot comes and pokes it. They poke it really hard and the beast starts to get angry. He huffs harder and steam starts to build behind your eyes making moisture fill your eyes to cool the burn. You start blinking more frequently and there’s a pain in you chest as the sorrowful beast tries to claw its way out. And of course there is always one more person who says that one thing that really pokes and pisses off the beast and he starts to really get mad and he stomps and huffs and claws and the burning tears wash over your contorted face and your throat tries to close to keep the beast in and hidden but coughs and gasps and wails escape you as you weep from the pain of him stomping and carrying on and throwing a fit. He’s furious angry and frustrated. I think that that’s what sorrow and sadness really is, anger and fury. It just manifests itself as tears. You want to scream, “Oh just leave my beast alone. I’ll get rid of him when I’m ready!”
Sorrow is a process. It takes time to rid yourself of such an awful beast, but the more I experience it the more I realize you have to want to let it go. Right now my sadness is all I’m sure of because everything else is such a mess. I can’t let it stay for very much longer, because I’m missing it. I’m missing all the beautiful things in life that are happening all around me. I’m blinded and stuck the longer I feed this beast inside me. I have to let it go and be scared for awhile. The future is scary right now because I don’t know what’s going to happen I don’t have any real or definite goals. I’ve had to discover for myself who I want to be and I just don’t know yet. I’ll know eventually but for now I don’t and that’s terrifying. My faith is growing but it’s a slower process than I would like it to be. I’m glad things are starting to look better and things are starting to fall into place. I need to look for the joy and goodness in my life in order to kill this beast and move on. There is so much around me that is beautiful I just need to open my eyes and wipe away the tears so I can see clearly again. I know that I’m not the only one who is going through this so to everyone else who is battling this beast I say, “Happy hunting. We’ll get through this together.”
He’s not as scary as he looks. I know I can do this.

Miss M

My Faith

This weekend I’m going someplace very sacred to me and I’m going to make promises to my Heavenly Father. Promises and covenants that will bless my life in countless ways. I am so very excited for this opportunity. It has taken me a long time to get to this point in my life and I am so very proud of myself. I never thought that I would be worthy of such a privilege. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I say that with conviction, courage and reverence. It is my faith it is a very big part of who I am and who I am striving to become. I love this gospel and the belief I have in my Heavenly Father’s love and in the love and sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Before now I felt unworthy and I felt as if I was a disappointment to the privilege of being a daughter of my Heavenly Father and a regrettable member of His church, but I was mistaken. We are all His children and He loves us and knows each of us personally and individually. We are not loved as a group of His children we are loved and cherished separately and uniquely. We may join together in worship and faith as His children but we would be just as loved and He would have done all things for just one of us. What ever self esteem I may lack, knowing that I am loved in this way is often a source of great comfort and has recently and often times in the past been the only thing I thought I had that was worth continuing on for. I want to please my Heavenly Father and do the things that He asks of me because I know that all things are done for my good and my progression back to Him. I may not understand everything now in this life and it may take the eternities for me to learn it and get it right, but all he asks of me is to do my best and endure to the end. What better way to honor such love and faith in me but to strive to do my best to obey His words and to live my life after the example of His son and my brother Jesus the Christ the redeemer of my soul.
In my church when you are ready to enter the temple you are interviewed by worthy men of our church who have been appointed by God to be stewards of His children, these men help and guide and council us and they preside over the meeting houses and meetings. In these interviews they ask questions that are necessary to determine if you are worthy but to also see if you are ready to enter the House of the Lord, these sacred temples. After your second interview you are given a slip of paper called a recommend that you show at the temple to prove that you were found worthy. When I was handed this tiny slip of paper the feelings the washed over me were almost inexplicable. The Joy and the happiness that I felt were amazing. I felt as if every wrong I had committed had been forgiven, every hurt that I still carried healed, every sacrifice I had made to get to this point was worth it. Tears came to my eyes as the Spirit filled my heart with joy and wonder at this wonderful privilege. As I sit now and ponder these happenings I wonder, if it felt that great to just hold the piece of paper that proved my worthiness then how fantastic will be the day when I enter into His Holy House. How amazing it will be to be with the people I care most about in this world and then to covenant with my Father in Heaven that I will always do my best to follow Him, to sit in this holy and wonderful and beautiful place and feel His love chase away all the darkness all the hurts and pains and sorrows from my tired and mournful spirit, and to have His Spirit enlighten mine with the teachings of His perfect and wonderful gospel and of the Plan of Salvation. I am in awe of it all. My soul quivers in anticipation at the thought of it.
I have a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ and that I am a daughter of God. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, and I know that Gordon B. Hinckley is a prophet of God today. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the true church. I know this and testify to you of these things in the name of His son, Jesus Christ, Amen.

I had some misgivings about sharing all of this with the world at large but I have nothing to be ashamed of or anything to be scared of. This is me and these are the things that I believe in and I want all the world to know of the things in which I have conviction of and the testimony I have of its truthfulness. If you have any questions at all feel free to ask me or go to www.lds.org and find out more.

Miss M

Tired

I am so tired, but I don’t seem to want to go to sleep. I haven’t even tried yet. I still have my work clothes on. I just barely took my shoes off. I hate when I get into these moods. I very much like sleep but when I feel like this it is unwanted, almost as if I’m afraid of it like I’m unsure if I want to relax, like the process of it is too difficult. I guess when I’m falling asleep I feel as if things are slipping out of my control. If I start to sleep maybe I’ll have to feel something I’ve been avoiding or think about things that are unpleasant. When I’m fully awake it isn’t as much of concern but when I’m drifting off to sleep these things just seem to slip in unnoticed and then I have a fitful night of tossing and turning and uneasiness. I like very much to have peace and calm around me but especially within me. I don’t like to feel unsettled or uneasy. I also don’t like it when my emotions get the best of me. I don’t like how sad I feel a good majority of the time and if I’m not sad I’m annoyed or angry. I know that I’m have the ultimate control over how I feel and how I react to thing but it seems as if I have no energy or desire to change it. Lately I don’t want to I want to be pissed off for once in my life and have that be okay. I want to lie on the ground and scream and yell and wail and be sorrowful and upset. I want to throw a holy fit and to heck with it all. I want to just whomp on some people. I want to sit with someone and cry every ounce of water and moisture out of my body and onto their shirt as they hold my inconsolable soul against their loving body till I fall asleep in a pile of sorrow and grief and hopefully wake up to a better tomorrow. I want to fall to pieces and just have someone else take care of my life in the mean time; pay the bills, feed the cats, maintain the car, work the crappy job and just do it all for me till I feel strong enough and willing to take it over again. I want to not care so much what people think of me and I want to be easier on myself because I expect entirely too much out of myself. Its good to strive to be better but I take it too far and I’m somewhat abusive to myself. I want so many things, I want love I want a life that fulfills me. I want to be content with what I have with who I am. I want to be passionate and affectionate with someone who won’t go away or leave me.  I want to know that I really am okay. I want to be able to sleep at night and not be afraid of it, of relaxing. I want my dreams to be happy. I want to breathe. I want to be happy and optimistic again, not just in staggered moment but a majority of the time. I want……………more.

Miss M

Love

I guess more than anything lately I’ve been thinking about love. Romantic may be the first that comes to mind and the one I think about most but I also think about all the different kinds of love. I admit that I miss the happy things I had with my ex husband, but he gave love conditionally. I’ve been trying lately to think only on the wonderful moments that we shared, but I’m having some difficulty in doing that, mostly because I’ve been talking to someone new. He isn’t anything too too serious at this point but he’s becoming a good friend and as friends do, especially when they’re still pretty new, we are feeling each other out getting an idea of who this person is and what life this person has lived. We spend a good amount of time just talking about anything everything and it’s in the course of these discussions that I get a great deal of confusion and muddled emotions. These conversations stir memories of the past that leave me feeling unsettled ad uneasy. Not that he is similar to the ex but that in the course of conversation I recall things. It’s very much hard to explain exactly what it is that’s going on in my head. I feel inclined to talk about it though even if it doesn’t make any sense to anyone but me.

I miss so many things about being in love and I worry that I’ll rush into a new relationship just to have that back again. I want things to be different, not just something that’ll last longer but something altogether more joyous. I want to be in love without the abuse, to be with someone who is willing to love me back without the conditions and with the understanding that I’ve been hurt and can understand or at least be accepting of my emotional vulnerabilities and insecurities because at this point there are so many of them. They might not be so outwardly visible to anyone but I feel them. I notice them as I converse and grow an innocent affection for this new friend (who I hope is not freaking out if he’s reading this). I just find myself remembering the beginnings with my ex and I the more I talk with the new boy, and it frustrates me and it scares me, because love always begins the same. Everyone is kind and sweet and generous with themselves in the beginning. I don’t want to say I was blameless in my last relationship but it was not me that made things bitter and unhappy. I gave everything I had and more to him and our marriage. I nearly lost my family and all my friends and as unhealthy as that was it is what happened. There was a sort of gladness in the fact that I was with him that I could share all I had and felt with this man. There were so many happy moments that I do not want to forget but they are all tainted by the things that came after. I do not trust that the memories weren’t rose colored by my naivety about love and life. I hope to have more such moments but without the pain of one person’s need to control and manipulate me. I’d like to say that this new friend is different that he would not be like that if it ever were to get to that point, but I thought my ex would never do that to me either. I know it’s just my being unsure of myself and not trusting my judgments anymore and that my emotional wounds are still healing. I hope that I can find someone who is gentle and kind, loving and forgiving of my shortcomings and insecurities. This new friend as interested as I am to see where it will go is not something I am ready for, Today. Someday…..........maybe. Who knows, it is all so very confusing and interesting. I get the whole married and relationship thing but the wooing and courtship is a little bit harder for me to grasp. I want to be swept off my feet I want someone to put some effort into me to make me a priority and to do so willingly because they want to, because they want to be with me always. I want someone to feel honored to have me and smitten by my charms and feel gratitude for my company. Is that too much to ask for? : )

Miss M

Car Drive

I mentioned before that I was moving and its pretty much done, but tonight I moved my kitties. They've been really anxious the last few days seeing all the boxes, all their favorite spots either moving or disappearing. My cats also hate to see me upset and this move has been hard so they hang extra close to me when I'm sad. Its been a tough week for them and the epitome of the whole thing was the drive across town trapped in their travel boxes. It was horrible. I felt so bad for them. They cried the whole way. I wanted so bad to pull them out and hold them and tell them and let them know that this was a good thing that this would be a good transition for them, but I couldn't it wasn't safe for them to be out of their boxes yet. And I wondered if Heavenly Father was doing the same thing to me. Knowing that whats been happening to me may be hard but that its leading to better things and that even though I can't see where I'm going that He can see and to trust in Him and have faith. How hard it must be for Him to resist the urge to protect and spare us the pain and sorrows of this mortal period, to take his children up into His arm and tell them that this all really is for the best. So the car ride as simple as it may have been was profound because it reminde me of simple things that I had forgotten. It reminded me to breath, to relax and enjoy this mortal journey and to trust in Him leading the way. To be still and listen to the comforting words of The Holy Spirit, that everything really will be okay.

Miss M

Sensuality

I like to be sensual. Not sexual, mind you, but sensual. There is very much a significant difference in my mind. We all know what being sexual is even if we’ve never had sex. It’s an obvious touching and implicating of what may come, an act of physical exertion. There may not be too much of a difference in the actual definitions or in the connotations of the two words but I find that they are subtle but significant, the difference between having sex and making love. It’s the difference between taking up space and being present and involved. Being sensual is also not limited to a man woman relationship. You can have sensual moments with anyone. It’s a reaching out with the aim of connecting with another person to feel apart of one another. Comforting a friend in the midst of deep sorrow by placing and arm around them helping them wipe their tears. It’s sensual because you connect when you extend a touch that is in a moment of vulnerability and trust. Moments of great happiness are sensual it’s the feelings you share as you hug and laugh and share a time that is important and happy to those involved. It is the softness and tenderness and the innocence in a moment that makes the difference. It’s the young mother feeding her fresh and new child in the stillness of the early morning darkness. Its children running to their parents bed in the morning chill when it’s cold out and in the tangle of little arms and feet with yours as they giggle and snuggle and trust. It’s in the smallest of moments that are shared between people the kind of moments that we all cherish and remember because they made us feel. We felt connected and that’s important because we live in such a disconnected world. I love to be sensual. I love to share moments of my life and be a part of someone else’s. I read once a quote that says, “Life is not measured in the number of breaths we take but in the moments that take our breath away.” It is a wonderful thing the sensual and beautiful parts and moments of our lives. It’s an honor and privilege to have people in your life that allow you to have these memories and the hope of a lifetime full of them.

Miss M

Poetry

Just a couple of poems.

7/3/05

The joyous strains of my morning song of praise gently wash over my
tired soul.
Tender rays of light warm my tear stained face.
Hands clasp in prayer to start a new day, a new hope, a hope for

tomorrow to be better than yesterday.
I ponder the source of all goodness and love and ask for his strength to

begin again.
My heart was heavy with the burdens and wounds of the past till the

glorious dawn of forgiveness was mine.
I try to forget but cannot, yesterday belongs o me to leave it behind is to

deny a part of myself.
A part that believed in magic, the part that wants to believe in it again.
My song and my faith continues to renew my tired spirit as I watch the

horizon for the sunrise of these new days.

10/13/99

The saddest song of dread is sung
The pain and joy of love
My heavy head laid low is hung

The sinister dance again begun
A whispered lie that killed the dove
The saddest song of dread is sung

When he took m hand my skin he stung
Oaths sworn then left no love
My heavy head laid low is hung

Words of love that rolled off lying tongue
We danced beneath the moon above
The saddest song of dread is sung

Do I hide behind a song once sung?
To fear the sweet pain and joy of love
My heavy head laid low is hung

No saddest that it had begun
The sadness is from end of love
The saddest song of dread is sung
My heavy head laid low hung

Packing.....remembering....*sigh*

I'm moving on friday. Its a difficult thing for me to pack. Especially now. Before it was only because packing is such an unpleasant task, but now....now its even harder. I'm moving back to my parents house because my dad is sick with cancer and my mom needs the extra support. The thing thats hard though is that I'm also newly single and I have to pack up a life that I can't have any more. I still have all his stuff, our wedding presents, our pictures. Some of this stuff I have to pack away forever and I'll never see it again or I have to forget about it and move on. Change is hard, its difficult to say goodbye to so many things. My love, my life, my dreams, my plans, my hopes and not only do I have to do that I also have to move home and watch my dad get sicker and sicker praying that what I fear most won't happen. Its a difficult reality to be faced with. I'd like to think that I've been handling it all well that I've kept it together. I had one really bad day when I tried to pack my ex's closet, the closet where I put all his stuff after he left. It still smells like him. It makes me sad even to think about how much that small space feels like him and to feel how much I miss what we had when life was still ok and everything wasn't slipping away, falling apart or dying. I opened the door to pack it and I sat in there and cried for an hour or more. Not just a little bit of tears but heartwrenching sobs and I felt so sick to my stomach. It all collided with me at once. I felt winded by the blow of it.
I hate to cry but there is a beauty in sorrow. Such vulnerablity and passion. We put so much into our true sorrow; our energy, our pain, our anguish, our hopes and fears. When we are finished or exhasuted of tears then it can be such a release, a comfort. Even though I know this is a good process I still have a hard time going through it myself. I don't like to be that opened and exposed to the world around me and to myself. I like to think that I'm so strong and independent and to admit that I hurt and that I need someone else is stageringly debilitating and frustrating. I want to be connected to someone else that I love. I want to be married to have someone to witness my life and I his and to have a family, but if I failed at it once how can I trust myself to not fail agian. How we were able to hurt the one that we loved so much I'll never undestand. There are some circumstances that are forgiving and lets what happened be more acceptable. Him and his personal mental health, I can't change those things. I worry more for the part that I played because thats the only thing that I can control and change. Everyone tells me that what happened wasn't my fault and that there isn't anyone to blame for things that were out of our hands but I can't help but look back and wonder. I don't want to be the one who hurts the people that I love and care for. I don't want to fall in love or in love so hard because I don't want to be the monster that hurts someone that I care about and love so fiercly. It just seems easier not to let them in in the first place, but I cannot be alone forever but its so hard to let go and to pack up all that came before this moment in my life and to see a new sunrise on the horizin because the night was so seductive and intoxicating. I have to say good bye to the night because I have to love where there is no shadows, nothing hidden. For now though I'll sit in the closet and remember and grieve what was before tomorrow comes.
Miss M

1st Post

I think way too much. All the time everyday about random things. Most of it only makes sense to me. There are a few people who understand sometimes but they are few and far between sometimes and I wonder if this is the reason that so many people have a blog. I know I can't be the only one who feels weird and strange and different, the only one who wants to be seen and understood. That people want somewhere any where where they can stand up and be noticed. To have a podium to vent and present themselves for the world to see, acknowledge and validate in someway. It is this reason that I feel the compulsion to open myself to a world of namelss faceless strangers. I want to share parts of myself and have it be heard and hopefully understood and related to. It should be an interesting adventure and I'm very much excited to see where it leads.

Miss M