Today is the One year anniversary of the finalization of my divorce.
Happy Crappy Anniversary!!!
I'm not really sure how to go about celebrating something like this. It might seem weird but I do think this day deserves some sort of hoopla albeit a small personal one. I survived an awful marriage and a terrible divorce and I came through it stronger and happier then I ever thought I could be. My life has turned and twisted so much over the last year or so since all of this started. I come to this point in time with a new love and living and experiencing a relationship that is healthy and happy and wonderful. I also haven't been bothered by EX in quite some time which is a relief. I wonder if he even relizes or remembers the significance of this day. HE claimed to miss me and want me and love me so vehemently over so much of the last year but I doubt that he even thinks about me anymore and if he does I think the remembrance brings him some measure of misery. Hopefully he is tasting the misery and bitterness he so willfully inflicted on me over the last few years. It sounds cruel but I think that is half the battle of finding redemption for the misdeeds of our lives by personally living the pain we caused to some small degree. It brings an understanding of the things we inflicted on the people we claimed to love.
I am very pleased with the direction that my life has taken and the future that I am faced with now. If you had asked me a year ago I would have told you that my life would always be sadness and misery and that I was doomed to a sad and bitter fate forevermore. I thought that I would never recover from the damage and emotional turmoil that I had lived for so long. I'm sure if you asked Tiger he'd tell you that I still have a few issues leftover, but that they are nothing compared to what they once were. He has been a faithful and true friend trough most all of this. We met a few months after Ex and I seperated and has been wonderful and kind friend ever since. I never would of thought that he and I would ever want to start anything romantic, but I guess fate had another plan for us. Its been a marvelous change in an already great relationship.
So today is sortof sad but sortof happy. There are many ways to look at it, but overall I think I'm proud. Proud and Content. Proud that I was strong enought to overcome so much sadness and hard things. I'm content with the way my life is now and the direction I see it heading. Nothing will ever be so hard again because I know I can survive anything after coming through something like this. I feel so young in some ways but I mostly feel old. I feel old for having gone through so much at such a young and delicate age. This could have destroyed me and destroyed any happiness in the future but it didn't. It didn't because I didn't let it. So.....
Happy Crappy Anniversary!!! I conquered it and survived it.
Miss M
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Holiday Joys and Misery
My whole family was together this holiday. Its a pretty big family especially when we're all together. I have four brothers and three of them are married and have a two or three kids each with one more on the way and including myself and my parents there's seventeen of us. I'm second to last in the line up and the only girl. That can be pretty tough on a girl. I can't even count the number of wet willies, wedgies fart bombs, and various other tortutres I've endured over the years. I've been locked outside, in the basement, and in my room. I've been punched, sat on, and tickled to the point of crying. I was never allowed to play anything the boys were playing because I was a girl and that was somehow a terrible thing. It was rough going sometimes but they've always loved me and stepped up and protected me when I needed them to and sometimes even when I didn't need them to.
Now that we're all grown up and moved away the times that we are all together are few. I get very excited to see everyone again and enjoy their company, but then the horde descends in mass and it becomes chaos in a blink. Its amazing how loud and crazy everything is when we're together. Kids laughing and crying and screaming. Brothers are talking crap and punching each other. Most of the time I'm able to stay under their radar but sometimes they set their sights on me and then I'm bullied or teased or pushed around. Especially now that I have a boyfriend they have even more foder to use to make fun of me and tease me with. Its hilarious how I'm a month from being 25 and I'm still on the defensive for wet willies and towel slaps on the hieney. It drives me nuts. I get so frustrated with them sometimes, but I wouldn't trade my big crazy family for anything. I love all the kids running around and the babies and I like my sister in laws. My brothers are just that, my brothers, and they will forever see me as a little kid. I will never grow up in their eyes. They will always try to tease and embarrass me and they will always protect me as much as they can. Everyone of them has a very definate opinion about my life. I definately know that I am loved in this family.
I'm a little nervous about Tiger meeting my family when they're all together. He comes from a pretty small family of 4. Him, his brother and his parents. His family is pretty calm for the most part too. It'll be pretty funny when He gets to finnally experience everything that I've been describing to him himself in person. Its a whole other experience. I don't think that Tiger will love how much my brothers tease but I think he'll probably get used to it pretty quick and maybe even join in someday. I hope he doesn't but he might. Maybe he'll be able to defend me quick wittedly and put them in their place. Now that would be really great.
There is some sadness that came with this holiday season this year. It might be the last Christmas that we're all together. Dad might not make it to another Christmas. Its a little bitter sweet. Its nice to have us together though. I like it even if I tell you I hate it. I hope that Dad will be here next year. Yesterday we were driving home from my brother's house where we'd all spent the holiday and my mom started to cry a little and Dad was telling us that he was in so much pain that moring that he was almost in tears. I just sit there and blink because I don't know what to say or think anymore. I can't do anything to make any of it better for anyone. I feel very helpless. Last night I had to get up and use the bathroom and I walked through the living room and see what I see everynight, my dad half asleep and uncomfortable on the couch. It hurts him to lay down and it hurts to sit for too long and he's in alot of pain. He's been sleeping in the living room for awhile now so this is a scene that I am used to seeing but its getting harder and harder to witness. There is no comfort I can give that would help him feel any better. Its terrible to see Dad go through this. When I woke up this morning for work Mom was laying on the couch across from him. She tries to keep him company at night.
Christmas this year was a joy and a misery. I'm not sure how else to describe it.
Miss M
Now that we're all grown up and moved away the times that we are all together are few. I get very excited to see everyone again and enjoy their company, but then the horde descends in mass and it becomes chaos in a blink. Its amazing how loud and crazy everything is when we're together. Kids laughing and crying and screaming. Brothers are talking crap and punching each other. Most of the time I'm able to stay under their radar but sometimes they set their sights on me and then I'm bullied or teased or pushed around. Especially now that I have a boyfriend they have even more foder to use to make fun of me and tease me with. Its hilarious how I'm a month from being 25 and I'm still on the defensive for wet willies and towel slaps on the hieney. It drives me nuts. I get so frustrated with them sometimes, but I wouldn't trade my big crazy family for anything. I love all the kids running around and the babies and I like my sister in laws. My brothers are just that, my brothers, and they will forever see me as a little kid. I will never grow up in their eyes. They will always try to tease and embarrass me and they will always protect me as much as they can. Everyone of them has a very definate opinion about my life. I definately know that I am loved in this family.
I'm a little nervous about Tiger meeting my family when they're all together. He comes from a pretty small family of 4. Him, his brother and his parents. His family is pretty calm for the most part too. It'll be pretty funny when He gets to finnally experience everything that I've been describing to him himself in person. Its a whole other experience. I don't think that Tiger will love how much my brothers tease but I think he'll probably get used to it pretty quick and maybe even join in someday. I hope he doesn't but he might. Maybe he'll be able to defend me quick wittedly and put them in their place. Now that would be really great.
There is some sadness that came with this holiday season this year. It might be the last Christmas that we're all together. Dad might not make it to another Christmas. Its a little bitter sweet. Its nice to have us together though. I like it even if I tell you I hate it. I hope that Dad will be here next year. Yesterday we were driving home from my brother's house where we'd all spent the holiday and my mom started to cry a little and Dad was telling us that he was in so much pain that moring that he was almost in tears. I just sit there and blink because I don't know what to say or think anymore. I can't do anything to make any of it better for anyone. I feel very helpless. Last night I had to get up and use the bathroom and I walked through the living room and see what I see everynight, my dad half asleep and uncomfortable on the couch. It hurts him to lay down and it hurts to sit for too long and he's in alot of pain. He's been sleeping in the living room for awhile now so this is a scene that I am used to seeing but its getting harder and harder to witness. There is no comfort I can give that would help him feel any better. Its terrible to see Dad go through this. When I woke up this morning for work Mom was laying on the couch across from him. She tries to keep him company at night.
Christmas this year was a joy and a misery. I'm not sure how else to describe it.
Miss M
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Headache
Well the move is a no go. Needless to say I'm very disappointed. I'm more than disappointed. Disappointed doesn't begin to describe it. I feel very hurt. I know that its not a personal thing that the timing isn't right for him just yet and thats fine. Or at least it will be fine. I know its not personal but it feels that way. My insecurities wouldn't remain quiet on this one. Tiger said that he can come whenever he wants and he meant that to be a comforting thing but all I could think was, "If you can move whenever you want then how come you don't want to be with me? Why aren't I worth it to you yet?" We talked for a very long time the other night, but not much was said. At least not on my part. I didn't trust myself not to say something ridiculously hurtful because I was upset. The good thing that came out of this is that Tiger finally told his father his ultimate plan to move here. It was really hard on him to do that. His dad was very upset. I felt bad for being the catlyst in this world changing revalation. Everything will have to be different for him and his family and then my insecurities started screaming again, "I'm not worth all this trouble."
I'm a mess of insecurities angst and a little bit of anger. Mostly though I feel sad and helpless. My world feels like its falling apart and my family is embarking on what may possibly be the last holiday we will have in this life as a whole family. My dad isn't getting better. He's starting to go through his personal things and organizing it for us for when he's gone. He's doing alot of little things to tie off the loose ends of his life. Preparing stuff trying to make it easier on us. I'm not sure if its any easier but its nice.
There's just so much going on. I want one thing to be what I want it to be because nothing else can be. I want Tiger to be here. Its getting so much harder to say good bye to him especially if I'm having a bad day or feeling vulnerable. I miss him. I want him to be here to be who I need him to be and to be who he says he wants to be to me. All of these other things would be easier if he was here. I could relax a little having someone to sit with and lean against at the end of the day. He is a safe and soft place for me to land at night. I want him to see my life and understand it. I tell him about it but sometimes that just doesn't do it justice. He lives in a very happy and carefree world and I hate shaking it. I don't like how our lives are in such stark contrast sometimes. But thats the interesting thing about relationships is two completly different people finding and discovering that although their circumstances are very different they're essentially one person in two bodies who searched and then found each other. At least thats what it feels like for Tiger and I. I like having a different perspective to my own, one thats similar to the way that I already think I just hadn't thought about it that way. And he loves me and cares about me and he thinks about me not just about the situation that I am in like I do.
Over the last few days and talking to him more and more I see some wisdom in waiting for him to move. I still don't like it much but I'm okay. The conversations that Tiger and I have had the last few night have been really great. I'm still astounded at how well that he seems to be able to deal with me and comfort and guide me in such a gentle and calm way. I love the sweetness that Tiger gives me in our relationship. He's so tender in the way that he speaks to me and teases with me and even when he's frustrated with me he doesn't get cross or angry with me. I'm still in awe of the fact tha he loves me despite and because of all my wierdness and flaws.
This week started out as such a headache both figurativly and literally. I was sick all week and tired and unhappy because of his decision to not move just yet, but its okay now. It really is ok. I feel bad for thinking about him as a headache, but I was just so frustrated with having to deal with all this stuff I'm already dealing with and then to be faced with the reality of the fact that he isn't coming made the week that much harder. I think I made myself sick and the more I started to be okay with it the more I started to feel better.
One day, I hope its soon, Tiger will tell me when it is that he will come. I know he will know and tell me one day. Its just so hard not knowing when I'm going to see him again, knowing it may be quite bit of time yet till we are together. I'm trying really hard not to be selfish. Its turning out to be a very diffcult thing to do. Its still a headache sometimes but its worth the pain. I love him.
Miss M
I'm a mess of insecurities angst and a little bit of anger. Mostly though I feel sad and helpless. My world feels like its falling apart and my family is embarking on what may possibly be the last holiday we will have in this life as a whole family. My dad isn't getting better. He's starting to go through his personal things and organizing it for us for when he's gone. He's doing alot of little things to tie off the loose ends of his life. Preparing stuff trying to make it easier on us. I'm not sure if its any easier but its nice.
There's just so much going on. I want one thing to be what I want it to be because nothing else can be. I want Tiger to be here. Its getting so much harder to say good bye to him especially if I'm having a bad day or feeling vulnerable. I miss him. I want him to be here to be who I need him to be and to be who he says he wants to be to me. All of these other things would be easier if he was here. I could relax a little having someone to sit with and lean against at the end of the day. He is a safe and soft place for me to land at night. I want him to see my life and understand it. I tell him about it but sometimes that just doesn't do it justice. He lives in a very happy and carefree world and I hate shaking it. I don't like how our lives are in such stark contrast sometimes. But thats the interesting thing about relationships is two completly different people finding and discovering that although their circumstances are very different they're essentially one person in two bodies who searched and then found each other. At least thats what it feels like for Tiger and I. I like having a different perspective to my own, one thats similar to the way that I already think I just hadn't thought about it that way. And he loves me and cares about me and he thinks about me not just about the situation that I am in like I do.
Over the last few days and talking to him more and more I see some wisdom in waiting for him to move. I still don't like it much but I'm okay. The conversations that Tiger and I have had the last few night have been really great. I'm still astounded at how well that he seems to be able to deal with me and comfort and guide me in such a gentle and calm way. I love the sweetness that Tiger gives me in our relationship. He's so tender in the way that he speaks to me and teases with me and even when he's frustrated with me he doesn't get cross or angry with me. I'm still in awe of the fact tha he loves me despite and because of all my wierdness and flaws.
This week started out as such a headache both figurativly and literally. I was sick all week and tired and unhappy because of his decision to not move just yet, but its okay now. It really is ok. I feel bad for thinking about him as a headache, but I was just so frustrated with having to deal with all this stuff I'm already dealing with and then to be faced with the reality of the fact that he isn't coming made the week that much harder. I think I made myself sick and the more I started to be okay with it the more I started to feel better.
One day, I hope its soon, Tiger will tell me when it is that he will come. I know he will know and tell me one day. Its just so hard not knowing when I'm going to see him again, knowing it may be quite bit of time yet till we are together. I'm trying really hard not to be selfish. Its turning out to be a very diffcult thing to do. Its still a headache sometimes but its worth the pain. I love him.
Miss M
Monday, December 18, 2006
On the Road Again.....
Yesterday I was talking to Captain Doofus at church and I talked to her about a crazy idea I'd been toying with. Tiger's been wanting to move here and the Captain and I have been wanting a roadtrip so I thought that her and I could drive to Phoenix to pick up Tiger and move him back here in my parents van. It would take us about a week to pull it off and I was wondering if the Captain was game and she was :)
Hehehe.
So I spent most of last night talking to Tiger about it, and he sortof likes the idea. But the clincher is the fact that if we decide to do this he'll have only about three weeks to get ready and pack, because Captains new semester of college starts on the 16th. Also if he decides to go ahead and move now he'd have to give his notice at work today. So he basically only has one day to think about this. When we hung up last night I think he was seriously considering doing this crazy scheme. I am soo nervous and excited for his final answer. It would make life such a dream if he were here. I have missed him so much and with things getting worse with my dad I really need him here. We talked about so many possibilities and scenarios. I really hope that he says yes. This is what life is about these pivotal moments that define us and he is on the brink of one of the greastest adventures of his life.
I remember the first time I moved away from home and cross country to Utah. I was driving down Interstate 80 in my green '78 Ford Fairmont feeling so exhilarated and independent. I was on my own and on the open road and headed to uncertainty but I was doing it. No one could stop me and I was determined to show the world and my family what I was made of. I was ready to give 'em hell or die trying. I was Inivincible and I was free. I was 19 years old and clueless. Utah totally kicked my ass. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but man it was fun. Everything basically sucked and I was far from home but I learned who I was and what I was made of and I had a blast in the mean time. I can't remember a happier or more miserable time. I loved it. It was awesome. I loved that feeling I had when I was driving towards my destiny towards the "grown up" world. I told my mom I needed room to make my mistakes and I left and never looked back or thought twice. I loved my adventure. It was amazing.
I want Tiger to have the same sortof adventure. His is even cooler than mine was. He's the oldest and he's paving the way for his little brother. He's showing his parents that they raised him well and he's ready to conquer the world. He is coming to Illinois to claim his lady love and start an amazing and blissful life together. He is doing this for love, he is doing this for himself, he is doing this to shake up his world and show himself and his family what he's really made of. I would be so proud of him if decided to do this thing so bold and daring. I know he would get here eventually but if he comes now he'd be taking that first major step of breaking his preconvceived notion of who he thinks he is and becoming who he's really meant to be and who he really is. Doing it later would almost be too safe and easy. It would make it too comfortable. Not that that would be a bad thing it just makes it a safe thing. It almost takes the fun out of it. But like I told him last night I want him here however I can get him here and I it doesn't matter all that much how he goes about it but this just feels like such an adventure. It would make our love story almost epic. What a story to tell our future generations. How grand it would be just to have him here with me and be together. It would be so wonderful.
A part of me just wants to be on the road again. To feel that feeling again to feel that freedom and that rush of an adveture beginning. I want to be with him and I want us to experience this together.
How exciting! Just the thought that this might happen is exhilarating!
On the road again........
What a grand adventure it would be.
Miss M
Hehehe.
So I spent most of last night talking to Tiger about it, and he sortof likes the idea. But the clincher is the fact that if we decide to do this he'll have only about three weeks to get ready and pack, because Captains new semester of college starts on the 16th. Also if he decides to go ahead and move now he'd have to give his notice at work today. So he basically only has one day to think about this. When we hung up last night I think he was seriously considering doing this crazy scheme. I am soo nervous and excited for his final answer. It would make life such a dream if he were here. I have missed him so much and with things getting worse with my dad I really need him here. We talked about so many possibilities and scenarios. I really hope that he says yes. This is what life is about these pivotal moments that define us and he is on the brink of one of the greastest adventures of his life.
I remember the first time I moved away from home and cross country to Utah. I was driving down Interstate 80 in my green '78 Ford Fairmont feeling so exhilarated and independent. I was on my own and on the open road and headed to uncertainty but I was doing it. No one could stop me and I was determined to show the world and my family what I was made of. I was ready to give 'em hell or die trying. I was Inivincible and I was free. I was 19 years old and clueless. Utah totally kicked my ass. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but man it was fun. Everything basically sucked and I was far from home but I learned who I was and what I was made of and I had a blast in the mean time. I can't remember a happier or more miserable time. I loved it. It was awesome. I loved that feeling I had when I was driving towards my destiny towards the "grown up" world. I told my mom I needed room to make my mistakes and I left and never looked back or thought twice. I loved my adventure. It was amazing.
I want Tiger to have the same sortof adventure. His is even cooler than mine was. He's the oldest and he's paving the way for his little brother. He's showing his parents that they raised him well and he's ready to conquer the world. He is coming to Illinois to claim his lady love and start an amazing and blissful life together. He is doing this for love, he is doing this for himself, he is doing this to shake up his world and show himself and his family what he's really made of. I would be so proud of him if decided to do this thing so bold and daring. I know he would get here eventually but if he comes now he'd be taking that first major step of breaking his preconvceived notion of who he thinks he is and becoming who he's really meant to be and who he really is. Doing it later would almost be too safe and easy. It would make it too comfortable. Not that that would be a bad thing it just makes it a safe thing. It almost takes the fun out of it. But like I told him last night I want him here however I can get him here and I it doesn't matter all that much how he goes about it but this just feels like such an adventure. It would make our love story almost epic. What a story to tell our future generations. How grand it would be just to have him here with me and be together. It would be so wonderful.
A part of me just wants to be on the road again. To feel that feeling again to feel that freedom and that rush of an adveture beginning. I want to be with him and I want us to experience this together.
How exciting! Just the thought that this might happen is exhilarating!
On the road again........
What a grand adventure it would be.
Miss M
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Grumpy-ness and What-not
The other night Tiger and I grumpt at each other. We weren't really mad at each other, but we took it out on each other. Which sounds awful but we don't yell or anything so it wasn't bad per see just an icky mood between us. My friends have been giving me real hard time, and my dad is getting sicker and sicker. Tiger's family had some pretty uncomfortable moments and angst between them. None of which Tiger was really involved with except to be present and try to mediate. So you see we weren't really upset at each other just buggered by our icky situations. I didn't make anything better either. When I'm in a bad mood and all I get to do is talk to him on the phone it makes me grumpier because it reminds me that he's far away. Its hard enough that he's far away but when I'm unhappy I want nothing more than to sit next to him and lay my head on his chest and just be with him and I can't. It makes it worse because I can't do that and I miss him that much more. Things were ok when we fell asleep but not as okay As I would've liked them to be. But I talked to him a bit the next afternoon and some how through the magic that is us everything felt wonderful again after a few minutes of talking. I felt much better once I really talked to him. He is such a safe harbor for me. I don't know how I would be able to deal with all that I have to deal with with out him. I kindof liked that I got to see a grumpier side of him. It's nice to know that he's normal and not so perfect as he appears to be. Tiger feels too good to be true sometimes. He always seems to have it together and I always seem to be falling apart or having some sortof crisis or issue. He deals with me quite superbly and is always able to restore calm and rationality inside this screwed up head of mine. I sure do love him.
Tiger's was sick for few days. He's feeling much better now, but I wished I could've taken care of him. Made him soup or what not. Pat his hair and kiss his forehead. Basically just loved him better.
Sometimes I feel like we're just a little stuck in our relationship because of the distance between us. He might not feel stuck but I do. Maybe stuck is the wrong word. I think its wrong but I'm not really sure of what the word is. I want to move things along but I can't and he won't quite yet. He will eventually I 'm pretty sure. He's said that he will more than likely move. I think I believe him. No. I do believe him that he'll move here eventually. I understand that its not a light or easy thing to do to leave everything that's familiar his family, his home, his work, his life his everything. I question if I'm really worth it. If I'll be a good payoff for leaving everything behind to be with. I think about all the things that would have to change and all the big decisions that would have to be made to make this happen. Tiger doesn't' t know to even think about these things and I feel pushy mentioning it to him, but he needs to think it through. I want him to know and be aware of everything that he can be because I don't want him to feel duped into moving. I feel strange about it all. It feels desperate that I want him to be here so bad. I should be more independent than this. I should be standing on my own with dealing with all of this and I'm not and that scares me a little bit. I know that I am with someone great to be trusting him this much. I don't think I could find anyone better than Tiger to be able to do so much for me and love me this much. But I'm still scared. Scared that I'll screw it up. In a way I'm still battling what I was, who I used to be. The old me would have broken up with him a long time ago. I wouldn't of let myself be this happy because I felt as if I was undeserving. Which is especially true of Tiger because he is better than any other man that I have ever met and he has the potential to be an even more extrodinary man than I realize. He fits with me so perfectly and that scares me because it means something and it requires something of me. I know I have it in me to love but it is very hard to allow someone to love me back. The potential of our relationship seems so unreal. I'm afraid that I can't live up to it and that I'll not ever be fully deserving of it.
He needs to move here. I want this dream to be real. I want to see it happening everyday and it remaining consistent even in "reality". I want more than conversations on the verge of dreamland and sleep. I want more than weekends of perfection and rapture. I want to know that this is actually what it'll be, what it feels like it is. I want to know that this can survive life. To feel more secure and feel reassured that this really is happening to me. Me. This stuff happens to other girls to those perfect and beautiful girls who alway have everything go right for them. Not me. I'm a mess. I'm chubby and clumsy. I'm silly and weird. I have oddness out the whaazooo. I have so much baggage from all of what my life was before he wandered into my life. There is so much that he still doesn't know about me and sometimes I hold my breath and wait for him to discover the truth. I think he knows me better than I realize. I think he knows what I am at the core and that all this stuff is just a temporary barrier to getting to me at my essence. I'm still terrified though. I keep telling myself that I know better and that what I feel is how it really is. I need to believe that my heart and my intuition speak truth and that Tiger is really what I believe him to be.
I miss him. I miss him more everyday and the longer we're apart the more it hurts. I ache to be in his presence. I worked so hard on my defenses. I hurt for no one I ached for no man. Now look at me. I'm in love and I feel like I've almost lost all sense. I've become a silly girl. I think I like being a silly girl as scary as that is. My goodness am I done for. I am so smitten.
Oh well :)
I love him and what-not.
There aren't any good words to describe the mixture of bliss and angst I feel when it comes to this man in my life, but I wouldn't trade it or change it for anything. He's perfect for me.
Miss M
Tiger's was sick for few days. He's feeling much better now, but I wished I could've taken care of him. Made him soup or what not. Pat his hair and kiss his forehead. Basically just loved him better.
Sometimes I feel like we're just a little stuck in our relationship because of the distance between us. He might not feel stuck but I do. Maybe stuck is the wrong word. I think its wrong but I'm not really sure of what the word is. I want to move things along but I can't and he won't quite yet. He will eventually I 'm pretty sure. He's said that he will more than likely move. I think I believe him. No. I do believe him that he'll move here eventually. I understand that its not a light or easy thing to do to leave everything that's familiar his family, his home, his work, his life his everything. I question if I'm really worth it. If I'll be a good payoff for leaving everything behind to be with. I think about all the things that would have to change and all the big decisions that would have to be made to make this happen. Tiger doesn't' t know to even think about these things and I feel pushy mentioning it to him, but he needs to think it through. I want him to know and be aware of everything that he can be because I don't want him to feel duped into moving. I feel strange about it all. It feels desperate that I want him to be here so bad. I should be more independent than this. I should be standing on my own with dealing with all of this and I'm not and that scares me a little bit. I know that I am with someone great to be trusting him this much. I don't think I could find anyone better than Tiger to be able to do so much for me and love me this much. But I'm still scared. Scared that I'll screw it up. In a way I'm still battling what I was, who I used to be. The old me would have broken up with him a long time ago. I wouldn't of let myself be this happy because I felt as if I was undeserving. Which is especially true of Tiger because he is better than any other man that I have ever met and he has the potential to be an even more extrodinary man than I realize. He fits with me so perfectly and that scares me because it means something and it requires something of me. I know I have it in me to love but it is very hard to allow someone to love me back. The potential of our relationship seems so unreal. I'm afraid that I can't live up to it and that I'll not ever be fully deserving of it.
He needs to move here. I want this dream to be real. I want to see it happening everyday and it remaining consistent even in "reality". I want more than conversations on the verge of dreamland and sleep. I want more than weekends of perfection and rapture. I want to know that this is actually what it'll be, what it feels like it is. I want to know that this can survive life. To feel more secure and feel reassured that this really is happening to me. Me. This stuff happens to other girls to those perfect and beautiful girls who alway have everything go right for them. Not me. I'm a mess. I'm chubby and clumsy. I'm silly and weird. I have oddness out the whaazooo. I have so much baggage from all of what my life was before he wandered into my life. There is so much that he still doesn't know about me and sometimes I hold my breath and wait for him to discover the truth. I think he knows me better than I realize. I think he knows what I am at the core and that all this stuff is just a temporary barrier to getting to me at my essence. I'm still terrified though. I keep telling myself that I know better and that what I feel is how it really is. I need to believe that my heart and my intuition speak truth and that Tiger is really what I believe him to be.
I miss him. I miss him more everyday and the longer we're apart the more it hurts. I ache to be in his presence. I worked so hard on my defenses. I hurt for no one I ached for no man. Now look at me. I'm in love and I feel like I've almost lost all sense. I've become a silly girl. I think I like being a silly girl as scary as that is. My goodness am I done for. I am so smitten.
Oh well :)
I love him and what-not.
There aren't any good words to describe the mixture of bliss and angst I feel when it comes to this man in my life, but I wouldn't trade it or change it for anything. He's perfect for me.
Miss M
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