The other night Tiger and I grumpt at each other. We weren't really mad at each other, but we took it out on each other. Which sounds awful but we don't yell or anything so it wasn't bad per see just an icky mood between us. My friends have been giving me real hard time, and my dad is getting sicker and sicker. Tiger's family had some pretty uncomfortable moments and angst between them. None of which Tiger was really involved with except to be present and try to mediate. So you see we weren't really upset at each other just buggered by our icky situations. I didn't make anything better either. When I'm in a bad mood and all I get to do is talk to him on the phone it makes me grumpier because it reminds me that he's far away. Its hard enough that he's far away but when I'm unhappy I want nothing more than to sit next to him and lay my head on his chest and just be with him and I can't. It makes it worse because I can't do that and I miss him that much more. Things were ok when we fell asleep but not as okay As I would've liked them to be. But I talked to him a bit the next afternoon and some how through the magic that is us everything felt wonderful again after a few minutes of talking. I felt much better once I really talked to him. He is such a safe harbor for me. I don't know how I would be able to deal with all that I have to deal with with out him. I kindof liked that I got to see a grumpier side of him. It's nice to know that he's normal and not so perfect as he appears to be. Tiger feels too good to be true sometimes. He always seems to have it together and I always seem to be falling apart or having some sortof crisis or issue. He deals with me quite superbly and is always able to restore calm and rationality inside this screwed up head of mine. I sure do love him.
Tiger's was sick for few days. He's feeling much better now, but I wished I could've taken care of him. Made him soup or what not. Pat his hair and kiss his forehead. Basically just loved him better.
Sometimes I feel like we're just a little stuck in our relationship because of the distance between us. He might not feel stuck but I do. Maybe stuck is the wrong word. I think its wrong but I'm not really sure of what the word is. I want to move things along but I can't and he won't quite yet. He will eventually I 'm pretty sure. He's said that he will more than likely move. I think I believe him. No. I do believe him that he'll move here eventually. I understand that its not a light or easy thing to do to leave everything that's familiar his family, his home, his work, his life his everything. I question if I'm really worth it. If I'll be a good payoff for leaving everything behind to be with. I think about all the things that would have to change and all the big decisions that would have to be made to make this happen. Tiger doesn't' t know to even think about these things and I feel pushy mentioning it to him, but he needs to think it through. I want him to know and be aware of everything that he can be because I don't want him to feel duped into moving. I feel strange about it all. It feels desperate that I want him to be here so bad. I should be more independent than this. I should be standing on my own with dealing with all of this and I'm not and that scares me a little bit. I know that I am with someone great to be trusting him this much. I don't think I could find anyone better than Tiger to be able to do so much for me and love me this much. But I'm still scared. Scared that I'll screw it up. In a way I'm still battling what I was, who I used to be. The old me would have broken up with him a long time ago. I wouldn't of let myself be this happy because I felt as if I was undeserving. Which is especially true of Tiger because he is better than any other man that I have ever met and he has the potential to be an even more extrodinary man than I realize. He fits with me so perfectly and that scares me because it means something and it requires something of me. I know I have it in me to love but it is very hard to allow someone to love me back. The potential of our relationship seems so unreal. I'm afraid that I can't live up to it and that I'll not ever be fully deserving of it.
He needs to move here. I want this dream to be real. I want to see it happening everyday and it remaining consistent even in "reality". I want more than conversations on the verge of dreamland and sleep. I want more than weekends of perfection and rapture. I want to know that this is actually what it'll be, what it feels like it is. I want to know that this can survive life. To feel more secure and feel reassured that this really is happening to me. Me. This stuff happens to other girls to those perfect and beautiful girls who alway have everything go right for them. Not me. I'm a mess. I'm chubby and clumsy. I'm silly and weird. I have oddness out the whaazooo. I have so much baggage from all of what my life was before he wandered into my life. There is so much that he still doesn't know about me and sometimes I hold my breath and wait for him to discover the truth. I think he knows me better than I realize. I think he knows what I am at the core and that all this stuff is just a temporary barrier to getting to me at my essence. I'm still terrified though. I keep telling myself that I know better and that what I feel is how it really is. I need to believe that my heart and my intuition speak truth and that Tiger is really what I believe him to be.
I miss him. I miss him more everyday and the longer we're apart the more it hurts. I ache to be in his presence. I worked so hard on my defenses. I hurt for no one I ached for no man. Now look at me. I'm in love and I feel like I've almost lost all sense. I've become a silly girl. I think I like being a silly girl as scary as that is. My goodness am I done for. I am so smitten.
Oh well :)
I love him and what-not.
There aren't any good words to describe the mixture of bliss and angst I feel when it comes to this man in my life, but I wouldn't trade it or change it for anything. He's perfect for me.
Miss M
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