I wish that I could just hate him. It would make things so much easier, But I can't. I don't have it in me to hate Ex. I should and I would have cause and he would have it coming. I was doing so good. I ignored several of his calls trying to protect myself from him, from the memories of him. I was so stupid to answer the phone. I said hello and he said, "You know I still love you, right?" Curse him. Curse him and his empty declarations. Curse the memory of him. Curse it all. I hate this. Why am I such a stupid girl? I know better. I know it isn't true. I know. I understand what he really means. He loves the idea of me. He loves what I was able to give him for so long, a chance to be normal, a chance to belong, a chance to be loved sweetly and unconditionally. A moment in the sunshine and warmth of a supposed angels innocent love for him, him who was so dark and lost and broken. To be loved when he felt so unlovable is what he misses, not me. I don't think he really knows me because if he did he wouldn't have been able to hurt me like he did. If he knew me as I really am he wouldn't have been able to walk away. I was too abstract to him, too much of an idea, a temporary fantasy. He had his moments where I think he really loved me, but it wasn't in him to let it last. Love as sweet and wonderful as it is, is a scary thing because it demands so much. It requires so much. I think its worth the price but he didnt' have what it takes to pay the price so he's left with wishes and rememberings. Vapors of what it really could've been. I'm left with all the wonderful things and all the very terrible things with perfect remebering. He is unable to recall all that happened so he isn't haunted by it all. He sees us as he wants to be and nothing more. Curse it all.
I don't need to know he loves me but I want to keep it. I'm afraid of what will happen if I forget. If he forgets what I was to him. That's a hurt I don't think I'm ready to inflict on myself but I need to. I have to. I need to walk away. No, I need to run away. I can't let him get to me. I don't need him to remember what I once had and was. I do a good enough job of torturing myself I don't need his help. I don't need him, but I'm still looking behind me as I slowly walk away from him. I'm not really sure what I'm waiting for. There is no miracle behind me that'll fix the mess I've made of my life, of my head. I feel broken and watching behind at Ex won't change that. I need to look ahead, but I'm not sure how because the future sometimes looks as bleak and hopless as the past.
Miss M
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Emotional Vomit and Irritation
Yesterday was a wonderful day. I couldn't have asked for a better day. It turned out much much better than I thought that it would. I was really scared that it was going to be a horrible day. There were a few bumbs but not major ones. I've decided that I have just the greatest group of friends. They have been so fantastic. It was such a gret day. Everything went pretty smooth for the most part. I didn't get the cool indifference that I feared I would. In fact he was marvelous. It was like minnesota all over again. We even played Truth again. Captain Doofus rode with Mr. Man and I and admitted to me that she finally understanads why I like him so much. Mr. Man is a completly different person when other people are around he's very very serious to the point of almost being a jerk and very cold and indifferent. The girls in my gang don't really care for him too much because of that. I'm about the only one who actually enjoys being with him and spending time with him, but he usually acts different with me. Before we broke up I didn't know he was this uber serious guy so when he reverted back to that after us I thought he was acting that way because of me. I just didn't realize that was his natural state of being. Figuring that out has made such a difference.
As wondeful as yesterday was I'm feeling a little irritated, mostly with myself. I'm very much tired of this whole situtation. I'm tired of being stuck here, of being stuck in this loop of stupidty and weirdness with Mr. Man. I feel stagnate and useless. I spew pathetic and desperate sounding emotional vomit which makes me look shallow and childish. I really really want to tell Mr. Man what I think of him. I want to tell him how much he pisses me off and how irritating his by the book attitude is when there's soooo much more to life than following the rules. Especially rules that no one else dispensed but yourself, rules that are misguided and eroneous. He is self inflicting alot of the reasons why he feels lonely. I've had a glimpse of how he can be, how he is suppose to be naturally and if he behaved that why more often then he'd have to beat friends away with a stick. He would be the flame that draws so many to his personal sphere because he's burning so brightly with charm and wit and genuine concern for the people around him. It irritates me that I even care so much as to worry about all this crap. This isn't my problem I shouldn't devote so much of my personal energies to him. He shouldn't be worth it to me, but everytime I get close to writing him off and moving on something in my gut whispers that there is something more to be done with him. So hence I trudge onward though this nasty mess of emotional vomit and irritaion,but If I have to continue with this I need to start figure our a different appoach and cleaning up the mess because the stench is getting to me.
Miss M
As wondeful as yesterday was I'm feeling a little irritated, mostly with myself. I'm very much tired of this whole situtation. I'm tired of being stuck here, of being stuck in this loop of stupidty and weirdness with Mr. Man. I feel stagnate and useless. I spew pathetic and desperate sounding emotional vomit which makes me look shallow and childish. I really really want to tell Mr. Man what I think of him. I want to tell him how much he pisses me off and how irritating his by the book attitude is when there's soooo much more to life than following the rules. Especially rules that no one else dispensed but yourself, rules that are misguided and eroneous. He is self inflicting alot of the reasons why he feels lonely. I've had a glimpse of how he can be, how he is suppose to be naturally and if he behaved that why more often then he'd have to beat friends away with a stick. He would be the flame that draws so many to his personal sphere because he's burning so brightly with charm and wit and genuine concern for the people around him. It irritates me that I even care so much as to worry about all this crap. This isn't my problem I shouldn't devote so much of my personal energies to him. He shouldn't be worth it to me, but everytime I get close to writing him off and moving on something in my gut whispers that there is something more to be done with him. So hence I trudge onward though this nasty mess of emotional vomit and irritaion,but If I have to continue with this I need to start figure our a different appoach and cleaning up the mess because the stench is getting to me.
Miss M
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Crying in the Stillness
I really, really dislike crying. It's a terrible and difficult thing for me to do. Which seems odd because I seem to do it quite frequently. Not so much anymore but still alot more than I'd care to. I don't like being that vulnerable. I especially hate how someone else can effect me so dramaticly. I shouldn't let him but he still does. I talked to Ex yesterday. He's called me a couple of times and emailed me but I just didn't have time to talk. So I was stupid enough to call him. I wanted to make sure he was alright. I'm terrified that one day I'll ignore him and that the next I'll get a call that he killed himself.
Usually when we talk its just chit chat, catching the other up on the mundane and pointless things of life, but lately he finds it necessary to tell me how much he still loves me. I was his entire world. I know everything there is to know about him. I can still tell him what he's about to say before he can say it and what he's thinking that he thinks I don't know. I am the only person to understand him, to love him and to care about him despite everything. I hate that I still love to hear him say he loves me, that a part of me needs to know that someone used to think I was great and still does. That I was someone's whole universe that he loved and needed me desperatly and that even though his new lover is just in the other room he can't help but tell me he misses me. When he talks to me like this it reminds me of how awfully alone I feel. It reminds me that no one else feels so inclined to love me or see or care or talk to me or listen to me. No one else wants to be with me. I was close but I was lacking something, apparently, because he didn't care enough to stay. I laid in my bed listening to Ex tell me all these beautiful things, reminding me of all of our happiest times and thinking of how I ache to be loved. That I miss all the wonderful things that come with being with someone. Tears slowly rolled down my cheek as I thoght about a million different things at once and feeling my heart cry out for someone to see me in the stillness and save me from myself. I hate how in the darkenss I need so desperatly to be loved and honored and cherished. I'm listening to Ex prattle on and on about how life was so great when we were together and I wanted to scream. I wanted him to feel my anger and my hurt. If I was so freaking wonderful than why the hell did he leave? Why didn't he fight harded to keep me if I was so great and beautiful? Why not be kinder and gentler and sweeter to me so I wouldn't cry all the time? I was furious but so desperate to believe that someone did love me, could love me and wants to love me. There isn't anyone else who'll tell me those things. But I need someone who will love me. Who will hear me cry in the stillness and hold me tighter because he can't help but protect me even if its from my own demons. I want there to be sweetness in my life not lonely, bitter, sad and desperate tears under the cover of darkness and shame.
Its awuful having so many things like this inside of me at once. I hate it. I hate that he still does this to me and I let him. I hate that I can't let him go and walk away that I still feel a little guilty and responsible. I hate that this Saturday would've been our Anniversay. I hate thinking about it, wondering what might have been if we had stayed together. Would we be happy at all or even more miserable. I would've missed out on all of the wonderful things that have happened lately, but I wouldn't be alone. I can't decide half the time which is worse, a half wondeful life with him or a wonderful happy life, alone. It's yet to be determined in my mind if I deserve to be loved again.
Saturday the singles and I are going to the temple. I picked that day on purpose so I wouldn't be able to sit at home and torture myself with thoughts of Ex. I didn't want to spend the whole day laying in bed and succombing to the bitter and regret 1filled tears I'd have shed all by myself. I worry about something else though. I'm going to be in a place where I feel Heavenly Father's Love the strongest. I can almost garuntee that I'll cry still, I just don't want my freinds to see. Mr Man will be about the only one who'll understand. He's the only one who knows what significance this day holds for me. He promised he'd be extra nice to me but what if he forgets. For this day alone I almost wish we were still together because he would've taken care of me. He'd of been sweet and undestanding like he always was. He'd of made it okay. He was so gentle and kind when it came to stuff like this. Mr. Man some how understands this part of me, the sad, strange and vulnerable parts that no one else but he and Ex have seen. I'm afraid that as I cry in the peacful stillness of this holy place that he will forget his promise and be indifferent. I'm not sure which'll hurt worse my memories or unfeeling coolness.
Miss M
Usually when we talk its just chit chat, catching the other up on the mundane and pointless things of life, but lately he finds it necessary to tell me how much he still loves me. I was his entire world. I know everything there is to know about him. I can still tell him what he's about to say before he can say it and what he's thinking that he thinks I don't know. I am the only person to understand him, to love him and to care about him despite everything. I hate that I still love to hear him say he loves me, that a part of me needs to know that someone used to think I was great and still does. That I was someone's whole universe that he loved and needed me desperatly and that even though his new lover is just in the other room he can't help but tell me he misses me. When he talks to me like this it reminds me of how awfully alone I feel. It reminds me that no one else feels so inclined to love me or see or care or talk to me or listen to me. No one else wants to be with me. I was close but I was lacking something, apparently, because he didn't care enough to stay. I laid in my bed listening to Ex tell me all these beautiful things, reminding me of all of our happiest times and thinking of how I ache to be loved. That I miss all the wonderful things that come with being with someone. Tears slowly rolled down my cheek as I thoght about a million different things at once and feeling my heart cry out for someone to see me in the stillness and save me from myself. I hate how in the darkenss I need so desperatly to be loved and honored and cherished. I'm listening to Ex prattle on and on about how life was so great when we were together and I wanted to scream. I wanted him to feel my anger and my hurt. If I was so freaking wonderful than why the hell did he leave? Why didn't he fight harded to keep me if I was so great and beautiful? Why not be kinder and gentler and sweeter to me so I wouldn't cry all the time? I was furious but so desperate to believe that someone did love me, could love me and wants to love me. There isn't anyone else who'll tell me those things. But I need someone who will love me. Who will hear me cry in the stillness and hold me tighter because he can't help but protect me even if its from my own demons. I want there to be sweetness in my life not lonely, bitter, sad and desperate tears under the cover of darkness and shame.
Its awuful having so many things like this inside of me at once. I hate it. I hate that he still does this to me and I let him. I hate that I can't let him go and walk away that I still feel a little guilty and responsible. I hate that this Saturday would've been our Anniversay. I hate thinking about it, wondering what might have been if we had stayed together. Would we be happy at all or even more miserable. I would've missed out on all of the wonderful things that have happened lately, but I wouldn't be alone. I can't decide half the time which is worse, a half wondeful life with him or a wonderful happy life, alone. It's yet to be determined in my mind if I deserve to be loved again.
Saturday the singles and I are going to the temple. I picked that day on purpose so I wouldn't be able to sit at home and torture myself with thoughts of Ex. I didn't want to spend the whole day laying in bed and succombing to the bitter and regret 1filled tears I'd have shed all by myself. I worry about something else though. I'm going to be in a place where I feel Heavenly Father's Love the strongest. I can almost garuntee that I'll cry still, I just don't want my freinds to see. Mr Man will be about the only one who'll understand. He's the only one who knows what significance this day holds for me. He promised he'd be extra nice to me but what if he forgets. For this day alone I almost wish we were still together because he would've taken care of me. He'd of been sweet and undestanding like he always was. He'd of made it okay. He was so gentle and kind when it came to stuff like this. Mr. Man some how understands this part of me, the sad, strange and vulnerable parts that no one else but he and Ex have seen. I'm afraid that as I cry in the peacful stillness of this holy place that he will forget his promise and be indifferent. I'm not sure which'll hurt worse my memories or unfeeling coolness.
Miss M
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