I Don't Need to Know you Love Me

I wish that I could just hate him. It would make things so much easier, But I can't. I don't have it in me to hate Ex. I should and I would have cause and he would have it coming. I was doing so good. I ignored several of his calls trying to protect myself from him, from the memories of him. I was so stupid to answer the phone. I said hello and he said, "You know I still love you, right?" Curse him. Curse him and his empty declarations. Curse the memory of him. Curse it all. I hate this. Why am I such a stupid girl? I know better. I know it isn't true. I know. I understand what he really means. He loves the idea of me. He loves what I was able to give him for so long, a chance to be normal, a chance to belong, a chance to be loved sweetly and unconditionally. A moment in the sunshine and warmth of a supposed angels innocent love for him, him who was so dark and lost and broken. To be loved when he felt so unlovable is what he misses, not me. I don't think he really knows me because if he did he wouldn't have been able to hurt me like he did. If he knew me as I really am he wouldn't have been able to walk away. I was too abstract to him, too much of an idea, a temporary fantasy. He had his moments where I think he really loved me, but it wasn't in him to let it last. Love as sweet and wonderful as it is, is a scary thing because it demands so much. It requires so much. I think its worth the price but he didnt' have what it takes to pay the price so he's left with wishes and rememberings. Vapors of what it really could've been. I'm left with all the wonderful things and all the very terrible things with perfect remebering. He is unable to recall all that happened so he isn't haunted by it all. He sees us as he wants to be and nothing more. Curse it all.

I don't need to know he loves me but I want to keep it. I'm afraid of what will happen if I forget. If he forgets what I was to him. That's a hurt I don't think I'm ready to inflict on myself but I need to. I have to. I need to walk away. No, I need to run away. I can't let him get to me. I don't need him to remember what I once had and was. I do a good enough job of torturing myself I don't need his help. I don't need him, but I'm still looking behind me as I slowly walk away from him. I'm not really sure what I'm waiting for. There is no miracle behind me that'll fix the mess I've made of my life, of my head. I feel broken and watching behind at Ex won't change that. I need to look ahead, but I'm not sure how because the future sometimes looks as bleak and hopless as the past.

Miss M