I really, really dislike crying. It's a terrible and difficult thing for me to do. Which seems odd because I seem to do it quite frequently. Not so much anymore but still alot more than I'd care to. I don't like being that vulnerable. I especially hate how someone else can effect me so dramaticly. I shouldn't let him but he still does. I talked to Ex yesterday. He's called me a couple of times and emailed me but I just didn't have time to talk. So I was stupid enough to call him. I wanted to make sure he was alright. I'm terrified that one day I'll ignore him and that the next I'll get a call that he killed himself.
Usually when we talk its just chit chat, catching the other up on the mundane and pointless things of life, but lately he finds it necessary to tell me how much he still loves me. I was his entire world. I know everything there is to know about him. I can still tell him what he's about to say before he can say it and what he's thinking that he thinks I don't know. I am the only person to understand him, to love him and to care about him despite everything. I hate that I still love to hear him say he loves me, that a part of me needs to know that someone used to think I was great and still does. That I was someone's whole universe that he loved and needed me desperatly and that even though his new lover is just in the other room he can't help but tell me he misses me. When he talks to me like this it reminds me of how awfully alone I feel. It reminds me that no one else feels so inclined to love me or see or care or talk to me or listen to me. No one else wants to be with me. I was close but I was lacking something, apparently, because he didn't care enough to stay. I laid in my bed listening to Ex tell me all these beautiful things, reminding me of all of our happiest times and thinking of how I ache to be loved. That I miss all the wonderful things that come with being with someone. Tears slowly rolled down my cheek as I thoght about a million different things at once and feeling my heart cry out for someone to see me in the stillness and save me from myself. I hate how in the darkenss I need so desperatly to be loved and honored and cherished. I'm listening to Ex prattle on and on about how life was so great when we were together and I wanted to scream. I wanted him to feel my anger and my hurt. If I was so freaking wonderful than why the hell did he leave? Why didn't he fight harded to keep me if I was so great and beautiful? Why not be kinder and gentler and sweeter to me so I wouldn't cry all the time? I was furious but so desperate to believe that someone did love me, could love me and wants to love me. There isn't anyone else who'll tell me those things. But I need someone who will love me. Who will hear me cry in the stillness and hold me tighter because he can't help but protect me even if its from my own demons. I want there to be sweetness in my life not lonely, bitter, sad and desperate tears under the cover of darkness and shame.
Its awuful having so many things like this inside of me at once. I hate it. I hate that he still does this to me and I let him. I hate that I can't let him go and walk away that I still feel a little guilty and responsible. I hate that this Saturday would've been our Anniversay. I hate thinking about it, wondering what might have been if we had stayed together. Would we be happy at all or even more miserable. I would've missed out on all of the wonderful things that have happened lately, but I wouldn't be alone. I can't decide half the time which is worse, a half wondeful life with him or a wonderful happy life, alone. It's yet to be determined in my mind if I deserve to be loved again.
Saturday the singles and I are going to the temple. I picked that day on purpose so I wouldn't be able to sit at home and torture myself with thoughts of Ex. I didn't want to spend the whole day laying in bed and succombing to the bitter and regret 1filled tears I'd have shed all by myself. I worry about something else though. I'm going to be in a place where I feel Heavenly Father's Love the strongest. I can almost garuntee that I'll cry still, I just don't want my freinds to see. Mr Man will be about the only one who'll understand. He's the only one who knows what significance this day holds for me. He promised he'd be extra nice to me but what if he forgets. For this day alone I almost wish we were still together because he would've taken care of me. He'd of been sweet and undestanding like he always was. He'd of made it okay. He was so gentle and kind when it came to stuff like this. Mr. Man some how understands this part of me, the sad, strange and vulnerable parts that no one else but he and Ex have seen. I'm afraid that as I cry in the peacful stillness of this holy place that he will forget his promise and be indifferent. I'm not sure which'll hurt worse my memories or unfeeling coolness.
Miss M
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