Patty Fingers and Roller Skating

Ever since the dance I've been thinking about Minnesota. He is a fantastic guy. We would have so much fun together with all of our friends. I've just been recalling good times and happy moments which is always so great to do. Its a snowball effect. You start with one memory which leads to another and another and soon you got a wonderful buzz going on. A delightful euphoria of nostaglia. I've been wandering down memory lane for a while now ever since I saw him again so unexpectedly, and my mind always starts with the same moment in time.

When I was ninteen I had decided it was time to head out into the big bad world. I wanted to go to Russia but my mom just about had a stroke so we argued a little and I decided that just about anywhere was better than here so I set my sights on Utah. My friends here were mournful of my leaving and they had a going away party for me at our local roller rink. I Love to roller skate. I don't get a chance to do it very often but its great fun. Whenever I think of Minnesota I immeadiately think of roller skating. Because he was there at this party. We all had so much fun. Roller rinks are all about the same. Dimly lit, thumping music, disco lights, a general of smell of cornchips and stale popcorn and silly games and traditions. And always, always a couple skate. You weren't allowed to be on the skating floor unless you were holding someone's hand. I was crushing on Minnesota hard core back then so when he skated up to me looking all fine and asked me to skate I thought I was in heaven. What a moment. We held hands and went circles around the rink while listening to cheesy love songs. We laughed at our lacking roller skating skills but the most important thing is he held my hand. It was glorious. It was fantastic. Not only was I about to embark on one of the greastest adventures of my life but I finally got the attention of my crush and he was looking only at me.

Saturday I went with my family to visit my nieces, my brother and his wife. My oldest niece who I call Stinky had a birthday party at the roller rink to go to. Oh it brought back so many wonderful memories. I immeadiatly thought of Minnesota because whenever I think of roller skating I think of him. They even had a couples skate while I was there. This little boy that goes to preschool with my niece skates up and says " 'Stinky' Come skate with me" It was so adorable. She had such a hard time she hasn't skated very often yet. At the end when they were clearing the floor she was moving so slow that the rink attendant had to go rescue her because she was the only one left out there. She was moving her feet but hardly going anywhere. She had such a good time. She said she didn't even mind falling.

I love roller skating. I love the memories it brings to me when I think of it. Soon I'll have partner to walk down nostalgia lane. Minnessota coming in a few weeks to visit. He called late the other night to make sure I had the weekend off before he booked his flight. I am so excited. I love having things to look forward to. It'll be nice to visit and remember and recall all the wonderful times we had together with our friends. He'll remember things I may have forgotten or remember them differently. It'll be good times.

Miss M

Speechless

I don't really have a whole lot to say. Nothing profound has been thought or experienced. No amazing moments, but yet I can't seem to stay silent. I feel burrowed in a mood and state of mind and its very hard to describe but I'm not sure what's illiciting it. Its not really a good mood nor a bad one. Hmmm.......

MissM

Afraid of the Dark

I have a wonderful life when you look at it in the glaring light of day. Things aren't perfect by any means but I'm generally happy and I have a great family and a group of friends that are becoming more and more important to me every day and a best friend that I can go days with out talking to but who still isn't afraid to tell me what he thinks of me. I have a church and a faith and a testimony that I cherish. I've worked really hard to get my life to this point where things are good and looking better all the time. But I'm still afraid of the dark. Not in a childhood monsters under the bed way, but in a more grown up I can't quiet the monsters in my head way. I work at a very physically demanding job and at night I'm more than tired enough to fall asleep instantly, but I can't. I'm haunted in the darkness by my past, by the future and by my fears and secrets. I had three very distinct dreams last night after I was restless and fitful for a good while before I finally did fall asleep to have these dreams. I'm not sure of the exact details anymore but the subjects have me buggered.

The first dream was about my best friend in high school. His family immigrated here from Albania and they have a restaurant on the outskirts of our school district. We met on the first day of English Freshman year and were inseparable after that. The dream itself wasn't all that spectacular sortof strange actually but it got me think about him again and I hadn't in a long time. I think we cared about each other deeply but were too afraid to admit it. He is Muslim and his older brother had an arranged marriage so I think he had resigned himself to that fate. We had one standing date every year for after prom and a special dance our senior year. They were always wonderful times together. Also our school used to sell things for the holidays that you could have delivered to your friends during school. Lollipops dressed as ghosts for Halloween, green carnations for St. Patrick's day, roses for Valentines, balloons and what not for what ever. I got something from him every time. He never in all four years missed a single one. I of course crushed on him always but didn't think he ever felt the same, but now as I look back on it today, I realized that he loved me the best he could within the bounds of his family and his traditions. He was a fantastic friend.

The second dream stared my last boyfriend in high school. It was very short lived I think a week or so, but we pretty much made out as much as possible before I realized, what the hell am I doing. So the dream was basically what we did best together, making out. He was one of the best kissers I ever had the privilege of smooching so that was kindof fun to remember.

The third dream was about someone that I'm trying my darndest to forget and move on from but he seems to always be in my face. In the dream Mr. Man and I was in a book store or library and we were whispering to each other. I don't remember what it was we were talking about exactly but I was making a heated point about something but all he did was smile and look at me and kept talking about the books around us. I kept on trying to pick a fight but he thwarted every effort until his charm won me over and we were laughing. I woke up to us sitting on the floor between the shelves having a happy and lively discussion about a book we had read. I also woke up pissed off a bit, because I don't want him in my head anymore. Mr. Man has gotten under my skin and its really starting to get on my nerves and now even my dreams aren't safe from him and his searching eyes. Grrr.

I also woke up to recollect that in real life Ex is missing. His new lover and his mother have no idea where he is. Last night the lover called me in a panic asking where Ex used to go when he did this before. I told them what I could but I was furious that the lover wanted to kick him out of their apartment as soon as he was found. My old protective feelings reemerged for a moment and it took everything I had not to yell at them. Ex is crazy. He needs someone to love him and take care of him and protect him and he doesn't need one more person in his life to abandon him and then my gut sank as I realized that I had done the same. I had abandoned him and left him at the mercy of the wolves of this world with out the protection of me or my love. I was the same monster that I had wanted to yell at. I have now added one more horrific thought to the monsters in the darkness.

My head is swirling from all of this. My dreams have me buggered and trudging through so many memories of the past that have produced uneasy and unsure feelings. My heart in the darkness is still loyal to Mr. Man when everything else I have inside me screams out for me to kick him. And to add icing to this disgusting cake, Ex is missing and I'm reliving in a very small and minute degree the guilt my councilor and I have been working months on to remedy regarding the divorce. The old monsters are also all waiting in the wings for me to pull them on stage again to tell me lies about me, myself, and I. To make me doubt and question my every thought, action and decision; past present and future. I think way too much, obviously. I remind myself every day to breathe. To find my inner strength, faith and resolve and to let it wash over my tired and haggard soul with very breath I take. I have it together in the warmth and sunshine of the day but the night time likes to haunt me and I let it. I dread sleep, the process the restlessness and the dreams that stir things that I really don't want stirred. I'm afraid of the dark.

Miss M

Unwanted

I saw it coming but it didn't make it any better. I knew Buttman wasn't going to show up. How depressing it is to be bummed about being stood up for a date I didn't really want it the first place. I just wanted a distration to save my self from my own self loathing and pity. It was my first Valentine's Day since Ex left I knew it would be hard and it was. I asked Buttman to do something so I wouldn't be able to sit at home and wallow. I would've asked someone I really wanted to be with but there's slim pickings around here. Besides Buttman, Mr. Man is the only other guy and that isn't ever going to happen. It should've but it won't. Even though all this drama and high school crap is going on here and now, my mind is wandering in ages ago. It feels like a lifetime ago. I miss him. He made my life wonderful and beautiful, for a time. I know its good for the both of us that we aren't married or together anymore, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it lately. Ex called me the other day to tell me that I was the love of his life and that he knows he screwed it up and that he'll never find anyone like me again, but that he wanted to apologize for all the things he did to hurt me over the years. He said he never deserved me but that I made him happy and gave him something to be happy for and that I was the only person he's ever loved that there will never be a love like ours ever again. Like a movie in my head I see him. I watch us living and loving together. A million and one things remind me that I was happy once. Even when I relive the bad times its okay because it makes sense to me. I knew how to do that to deal with that. There was a reason. This stuff now with these idiot boys, because boys they are, is wretched and stupid. There is no reason, no excuse, its malice and ignorance. Its pretty sad for them that the schizophrenic ex husband is rating higher in my regard than they are.

I hate being alone. I have too much passion and love to keep it all to myself. I know what it is to love because I have, because I do. Love doesn't end when you sign papers or when you break up. Love lasts forever. It may fade or be forgotten for a time but you will always remember who you have loved they will always occupy a part of your heart no matter how small, its there. Every experience makes your life richer and more beautiful. Every moment when someone else shares your life changes it, refines it, makes it better even if it can't last forever. I don't measure my life in days and years I measure it in periods of love. My family loved me and always loves me but when I was young thats one period of family love. Highschool you love and are loved by your schoolmates. Your early twenties are usually for loving your self and refining who you are and what you need out of life. Later you love someone else a partner and a companion a helpmate. Then you repeat it again with your children. You love them through their young years and you love them when they love no one else but their friends you love them as they dicover themselves and their lives. You love them when they fall in love with their companion and it cycles again and again. When I think about life this way then your whole existence is love. Love for everyone and anyone that passes before your window of experiences in this life. We build relationships that we can take with us into the life to come. An eternity of periods of love with the people we care about most, our families and their families and so on. I want my own family, people to take care of and love and teach and grow with. I feel stuck between two things. It is an unwanted feeling. I want to have a direction a purpose, an outlet for my natural feelings. I feel like I've taken ten steps back in life and that I have to rebuild and also revist a period I had a hard time with. A period where I live only for myself and it feels selfish, petty and empty of meaning. I feel unwanted unneeded unused and under appreciated. I feel selfish and lost. Life is empty without service and I found the most joy in service to the person I share my life with and now there is no one. Just bitter unwanted memories of what went wrong and beautiful tasting things that have gone sour. I want my life to taste like I just brushed my teeth. Clean and fresh, sweet and minty and waiting anxiously for the next thing that will tantilize my senses. To taste the sweetness of life again and be rinsed cleaned of the bitterness that festers there.

Miss M

I Could've Danced all Night

Oh what splendid fun. My singles group drove two hours to go to a Valentines Dance in Iowa on Saturday. It was fantastic. I'm so glad I went because I almost didn't. I was in a funk of a mood and I had gotten hurt at work so I was sore and tired and I just didn't feel up to it, but I had promised to drive so I went. The first hour wasn't too swell because no one had really shown up yet but as more people arrived it got better and better. The setup was great they had awesome floor lights and they had screens projected up on the curtains of the stage so that if you went behind the curtain your sillouette would be dancing in the swirl of colors they had playing. It was very well planned. They started the night out with a game and then later they had a Dance Dance Reveloution dance off. It was amazing. It made me think of my good friend Internet Guy because he's a super big fan of DDR. It was so fun to watch. It was amazing. This one guy was just flying and he was jumping around and using his hands and it was astounding. He hardly ever missed a step. It was amazing to see how fast they could go. They had the game screen projected up for everone to see. It was very cool.

It was such a good night and the greatest thing happened. A good friend of mine from years ago was there. I hadn't seem him in years. He lives in Minnesota now so I'll use that to refer to him. I walked up to him and said,

"I know you. I know, I know you."
He said, "You're from ------ your names 'miss m' isn't it?"
"Yes and you're 'Minnesota' oh my gosh I never thought I'd ever get to see you again."

We just chatted and chatted. Mr. Man was nearby so he was talking with us too and we were catching him up on all the people he had known in our area. It was so great to see him. I used be just over the moon for him when we were in singles together before. He is just as impressive now, if not more so, as he was then. He looked so good and it was so great to see him. We exchanged emails and phone numbers before we left the dance so we can keep up with each other. Which will be great. He wants to come down and visit everyone here. I introduced him to the whole group that came with us. Told them that when I tell stories of the Singles days of yore that he was there. He and I were telling stories about all the things we used to do and the girls were just like wow. Minnesota introduced me to his brother as one of his first friends when he lived in our area, he was so excited about that and that made me feel good. It was just so great to have someone that knew me as I was and could corroborate all my stories. It was fun rehashing some of the glory days.

I love dancing and I got a chance to dance with several people. I danced with a good friend of mine from Iowa that I don't get to see very often and I danced with a couple of new people which was fun they were great. One guy toward the end was really fun to dance with. He really knew how to hold a girl when you danced. He held me like he wasn't afraid of girls and we had a good conversation and laughed. He even hugged me. I was kicking myself all the way home that I didn't ask for his phone number. He was swell. He was one of the DDR guys and I told him how impressive I thought he was. I didn't have to ask anyone to dance except the guys I came with and my friend from Iowa. Its nice not to have to ask. Buttman was okay to dance with. But it wasn't too too exciting. I danced with Mr. Man several times which was so great. In fact it was wonderful. It feels crazy to me that twirling in circles with someone could be so lovely. It made me so happy to have him look at me and talk to me and listen to me. He saw me. I saw him. Its rare to have someone who can do that, who can see you. We were so lost in talking and chatting that I hardly noticed when we danced straight through two songs like it was blinking. It happened without my noticing and it was so natural and easy and I told him that. I told him that I was so glad that he was talking to me that I never thought he would again. I told him that it was great to dance with him that it was easy and comfortable, that it was wonderful and that I was glad that he wanted to. I probably read more into than what was there but I can't help myself. I can't stop thinking about how he looked at me. Mr. Man looked at me as if he was conveying something unspoken but solid. He looked at me like he used to. Its what I felt I saw but I keep wondering if that was what was really there or if it was there only because I wanted it to be. Because I want nothing more than for him to let me love him. I don't think he ever will and thats okay, or at least its getting to be more okay a little at a time. Its easier when I can see other possibilities opening up to me. There are other people that I could be very happy with I just wanted it to be him, to be Mr. Man. I could've danced all night with him and been content just talking to him, hearing what things he had to say. I wish that something that simple didn't have to be so complicated. I want so much that I really could've danced with him all night. I don't like having to wrap my mind around the possiblity that it really might not happen the way it could've. I don't want to get stuck in a daydream but I'm going to just for today. For this moment I'll think about him and his arms and his eyes, my illusions of love and romance and we'll twirl circles until I go to sleep and wake up tomorrow ready to explore all the possiblities for love and relationships.

Miss M

A Date for Love Day

I have a date. I know strange, right? I feel the same way. Its odd to me and even though I know how it happened I've yet to realize what possessed me to do it. It's my own fault, I asked. I am glad and excited but its still weird. I was thinking tonight while I was at work how Valentine's Day is a week away and that I was probably going to end up one of those people with nothing to do and that I'd just sit at home wishing for love. I really don't have it in me right now to feel that pathetic because I know it would've depressed me. Especially if I got thinking about the Valentine's Days of yore. It would be a birthday mood all over again. So there I was wondering what I would do and I got to thinking about Buttman. I figured he probably didn't have any plans because he's just as unattached and single as I am. I went on my break and was sitting in the dark at the picnic tables out back and put my feet up and called, not knowing what exactly I was doing and or what silly girlie demon had possessed me to get involved in such a fabricated excuse to buy expensive junk food and sit in dark places just to swoon over whoever was there at just the thought of love. I found myself continuing on this insane course of action and then the phone stopped ringing.

"Hello?"
"Hey"
"Oh hey."
"How are you?"
"Good , how are you."
"I'm at work....on my break and I was just wondering if you have any plans for next Tuesday."
"Ummmm, ahhhhh.....I don't think so."
"You wanna take me to a movie?"
"Sure."
"I get off work at 8. Thought it might be fun do something."
"Okay"

Then I mumbled something that now that I've asked I guess we could chat so I asked him how the Singles activity was yesterday. He said it was good told me who was there what they did. Then I said I had to go back to work. I immediately called my mom to have her validate my insanity and the first thing she asked is "What if Mr. Man asks you out for Valentine's?" Oh jeez. Not really the response I was going for and I told her that I wasn't going to just sit at home and that it was Mr. Man's idea for us to see other people and that I fully intend to do that. That if he calls (I highly doubt he will) I'll tell him I already have plans but would be happy to go out with him another night. My mom was like, "Okay what ever you think is best."

So now I have a date. That just seems so weird. I'm not sure what to do now. Well I'll obviously show up on the date, but I'm not really sure what sortof date it is. I was going for something casual and light hearted and I hope he has the same idea. I'm not even sure if he realized what next Tuesday was. Oh well I'll just make sure I look hot for whatever may happen and I'll smile and have a good time because, hey, I have a date with Love. Okay, I have a date for something but I'm not sure if it's love, it just happens to be on Love Day. Oh crap I have a date. I must be nuts this is so weird. Wish me luck, wish me love, wish me a pleasant evening, most of all wish me sanity. :)

Miss M

The Best Of Weekends

It amazing to me how quickly and wonderfully my Father in Heaven answers my prayers. I mentioned in my birthday post how I felt I needed more friends and wanted more people in my life, and that I needed to put more effort into my relationships. I've been doing that a little more lately and its paid dividends back to me. I've had a great time all weekend. We gave each other nicknames this weekend for laughs so I'm just going to use them to refer to people. They're really ridiculous but they all have a story and a joke behind them. I'll begin with me I have been dubbed Sir Grabs-Alot. Mr. Man's sister is now Duchess of Magic Pants. One girl is now Captain Doofus and the other girl is Captain Albino. Mr. Man is the Baron of Straight Laced and the other guy is Buttman. We girls decided that we were the super heros and that the Baron and Buttman were the vilans. Now the stories behind these names may be explained later but some have no rhyme or reason to them they just sortof evolved. I mentioned them only to refer to them with as little confusion as possible. Its easier than coming up with my own names for everyone.

Anyway Captain Doofus, The Duchess of Magic Pants and I, Sir Grabs-Alot, spent most of Thursday together. We had lunch and then went over to my house and listened to music and talked. It was really nice. A very pleasant afternoon spent. With two really great girls. We got the guys together to hang out that night. We really didn't do anything that great at first. We wasted alot of our time sitting at the church trying to figure out what great fun we wanted to have. Everyone was there including Mr. Man and Captain Doofuss's brother (we don't have a name for him yet). Captain Albino wasn't able to be there that night. It was a pretty good night overall. We ended up going to Blockbuster and and wandered around for a long time no one could decide on a movie. I walked around the store with Mr. Man talking. He and the Duchess had had a little bit of a tense moment in the car on the way over. He seemed out of sorts afterwards on top of how uncomfortable he seems to be whenever I'm around, but it seemed a little different as we wandered the store and chatted. I asked Mr. Man, "Has it really been so bad talking to me the last 10 minutes?" He looked at me and smiled and said, "No, not that bad." " I told you I didn't bite." He laughed. I said, " Before there was anything else you were my best friend" Then I said something about how everything before doesn't matter and that I wanted things be okay and that the past is forgotten. It felt like a moment that put us both more at ease with the other. Closer to being friends again. He wasn't able to stay much longer and he left. Finally someone else just picked a picked a movie and we went to Captain Doofuss's house and then ended up watching a different movie entirely and didn't even watch the one we rented. After the movie Duchess had to go home so we took her back to the car and Buttman Doofus and her brother and I went and played pool till the wee hours of morning. It was soo much fun. I won every game but the last one which surprised me because I suck at pool. It was so terrible the games took forever and we were awful. Buttman was about the only one that had any skills but he wasn't really putting much effort into it until the last game and he beat me pretty bad. I had alot of fun with Buttman. We have a great time blatantly flirting and hitting on the other. Its all in good fun but it was hilarious. Lots of bad pick up lines and innuendos. I'm not sure how the rest of the gang takes us, but their reactions are half the fun. They also don't get the jokes we make sometimes they're just a wee bit innocent still. Buttman and I have a good time though.

So Thursday was real good late night fun but Friday was even better I called Buttman during my break at work and told him I was going to be up late anyway so I figured I'd see if anyone wanted to stay up with me. He of course did and called everyone else but he really couldn't get a hold of anyone. Mr. Man and the Duchess weren't going to come out and play, but Buttman met me at the church anyway and we went and kidnapped Captain Doofus. We tried to get her brother to come too but he wanted to study. Which I found very strange for a Friday night. We headed to a bowling alley across the river. We played four games and laughed our butts off. I kept catcalling Buttman as he strutted up the lane and that just made him strut more. Toward the end of the games Buttman and Doofus were trying different silly ways of throwing the ball down the lane. Buttman came up with this grapevining under one leg backward twisty thing that was actually quite impressive. After bowling we went to IHOP. IHOP was even more fun than bowling. We laughed so much the waiter was teasing about how he could hear us across the whole restaurant. Doofus got pancakes that had whipped topping on them and she doesn't like whipped topping and told us to eat it so of course I threw it at Buttman and it got all over his eggs and sausage. Only good times can ensue from a whipped topping fight. We were licking it off our selves and making faces at each other. Just more bad innuendos and silly sexy faces. The funniest was when he was licking it off his sausage all the faces he made at me implying the naughty. I could hardly breath I was laughing so hard. The most hilarious thing was when the manager came up and asked if we wanted more whipped topping. After we ate were teasing about how we were watching Buttman strut his stuff at the bowling alley and he said that he's been told that its the best butt some people have seen. We were paying at the counter while talking about this so I grabbed his butt and squeezed it and said, "Almost the best I've seen." I thought Doofus was going to die laughing and Buttman just stood there and grinned as I harmlessly violated him. Hence our nick names, Buttman and Sir Grabs-Alot. It was a good time had by all. :) He does have a rather lovely arse.

Sunday was another wonderful day. I of course had church and saw most everyone there. After church they all came over and had dinner before we went to the broadcast our church does once a month from Utah. Dinner was so much fun they all loved the food. Even Mr. Man looked like he was having fun. There was one moment when there was a pang in my heart when I saw him watching me move around the kitchen cooking like he had a Monday that we spent all day together when we were dating. He had the same look in his eye in that moment that he did back then. I did okay for the most part. He had his own moment of slight heart ache when he heard about me grabbing Buttman's arse. The flames of jealousy flickered in his eyes for a moment and he looked at Buttman slightly accusingly. I also caught him watching me dance with the girls in the living room after dinner. It was Latin music I couldn't help but dance and wiggle. I'm not holding out hope but I like knowing that I'm not completely out of his head yet. He occupies mine too much still and it was good to know that I'm not the only one suffering and torturing myself. We went over to our institute directors house to watch the broadcast. Mr. Man, gentleman that he is, stood and waited for us girls to sit down and Buttman, playful player he is, sits in the middle of the couch and puts his arms across the back of the couch and invited us lovely ladies to sit with him. I of course plopped down on one side and cuddled in and Duchess sat on the other side. We all laughed and settled in to watch the broadcast. The set up was just asking for us to fall asleep though. Which is exactly what I did. They had big comfy leather couches, a fire in their fireplace, blankets and most all of us cuddled in on one couch. I had Buttman's arm around me and his shoulder to lay my head on and cuddle against. I was awake for about half of it but then I was out. Captain Doofus nodded off and so did Buttman. The Duchess kept poking everyone but she almost succumbed too. Mr. Man was about the only one that paid complete attention. I still have such respect for him. He let the girls sit first and ended up on a kitchen chair because he refused to give in to our innocent debauchery of a cuddle orgy. I guess that's why he's The Baron of Straight Laced but that's also why I admire him so much.

It was a wonderful weekend. An answer to a sincere prayer for a great group of friends. Most of these kids are so young and stuck in their shells and have never known fun like this and it was great to see them having so much and going on and on about how they want to do this stuff more often. We have an area Valentine's dance to go to Saturday and we're all really looking forward to that. I really enjoyed spending time with them they're great group to hang out with. It was the best of weekends.

Miss M

Sorry

I think I need to apologize a little for one of my previous posts. Not that what I felt isn't valid its just that it was written in anger and now that I've taken the time to breathe a bit, its not as bad as it appeared to be. If I want people to be forgiving and understanding of me I need to do the same. I was upset when Mr. Man didn't talk to me that Sunday my mom went to the hospital, but I shouldn't have called in the first place. We had agreed to be friends but I hadn't allowed enough time to pass so we could build a history of being casual friends before I expected him to be completely there. I shouldn't push people so hard or expect so much. It hadn't been that long since we broke up and I didn't allow much time for that to scab over before I started picking at him to give me a different relationship if we couldn't be in a romantic one. I really need to remind myself to breathe. Relationships of every kind take time especially if you want them to last awhile. I only want friendship from Mr. Man and I think I've been more detrimental to that end than helping it to develop more naturally. I have no patience for things that I want especially if I see that it'll probably work out eventually. I want it to hurry up and be what I envision it being.

I feel like I need to apologize to his whole family because I was informed the other day by his sister that mine and Mr. Man's short lived romance and the things that followed have caused quite the uproar in their family. I may have offended them unintentionally. I'm not really sure how this whole thing got so complicated. I was after something simple and lovely and enjoyable and its turned into quite the debacle. I had it in me to make all this hullabaloo go much smoother but it just caught me so off guard. Now I have to go and try to repair the damage I created in my flailing about as it ended. I'm just afraid I caused too much damage that can't be fixed and that I've lost my chance at getting my friend back. I'm not sorry that this all happened I'm just sorry for my part in this dance. I've defiantly stepped on a lot of toes and I'm sorry.

Miss M