Afraid of the Dark

I have a wonderful life when you look at it in the glaring light of day. Things aren't perfect by any means but I'm generally happy and I have a great family and a group of friends that are becoming more and more important to me every day and a best friend that I can go days with out talking to but who still isn't afraid to tell me what he thinks of me. I have a church and a faith and a testimony that I cherish. I've worked really hard to get my life to this point where things are good and looking better all the time. But I'm still afraid of the dark. Not in a childhood monsters under the bed way, but in a more grown up I can't quiet the monsters in my head way. I work at a very physically demanding job and at night I'm more than tired enough to fall asleep instantly, but I can't. I'm haunted in the darkness by my past, by the future and by my fears and secrets. I had three very distinct dreams last night after I was restless and fitful for a good while before I finally did fall asleep to have these dreams. I'm not sure of the exact details anymore but the subjects have me buggered.

The first dream was about my best friend in high school. His family immigrated here from Albania and they have a restaurant on the outskirts of our school district. We met on the first day of English Freshman year and were inseparable after that. The dream itself wasn't all that spectacular sortof strange actually but it got me think about him again and I hadn't in a long time. I think we cared about each other deeply but were too afraid to admit it. He is Muslim and his older brother had an arranged marriage so I think he had resigned himself to that fate. We had one standing date every year for after prom and a special dance our senior year. They were always wonderful times together. Also our school used to sell things for the holidays that you could have delivered to your friends during school. Lollipops dressed as ghosts for Halloween, green carnations for St. Patrick's day, roses for Valentines, balloons and what not for what ever. I got something from him every time. He never in all four years missed a single one. I of course crushed on him always but didn't think he ever felt the same, but now as I look back on it today, I realized that he loved me the best he could within the bounds of his family and his traditions. He was a fantastic friend.

The second dream stared my last boyfriend in high school. It was very short lived I think a week or so, but we pretty much made out as much as possible before I realized, what the hell am I doing. So the dream was basically what we did best together, making out. He was one of the best kissers I ever had the privilege of smooching so that was kindof fun to remember.

The third dream was about someone that I'm trying my darndest to forget and move on from but he seems to always be in my face. In the dream Mr. Man and I was in a book store or library and we were whispering to each other. I don't remember what it was we were talking about exactly but I was making a heated point about something but all he did was smile and look at me and kept talking about the books around us. I kept on trying to pick a fight but he thwarted every effort until his charm won me over and we were laughing. I woke up to us sitting on the floor between the shelves having a happy and lively discussion about a book we had read. I also woke up pissed off a bit, because I don't want him in my head anymore. Mr. Man has gotten under my skin and its really starting to get on my nerves and now even my dreams aren't safe from him and his searching eyes. Grrr.

I also woke up to recollect that in real life Ex is missing. His new lover and his mother have no idea where he is. Last night the lover called me in a panic asking where Ex used to go when he did this before. I told them what I could but I was furious that the lover wanted to kick him out of their apartment as soon as he was found. My old protective feelings reemerged for a moment and it took everything I had not to yell at them. Ex is crazy. He needs someone to love him and take care of him and protect him and he doesn't need one more person in his life to abandon him and then my gut sank as I realized that I had done the same. I had abandoned him and left him at the mercy of the wolves of this world with out the protection of me or my love. I was the same monster that I had wanted to yell at. I have now added one more horrific thought to the monsters in the darkness.

My head is swirling from all of this. My dreams have me buggered and trudging through so many memories of the past that have produced uneasy and unsure feelings. My heart in the darkness is still loyal to Mr. Man when everything else I have inside me screams out for me to kick him. And to add icing to this disgusting cake, Ex is missing and I'm reliving in a very small and minute degree the guilt my councilor and I have been working months on to remedy regarding the divorce. The old monsters are also all waiting in the wings for me to pull them on stage again to tell me lies about me, myself, and I. To make me doubt and question my every thought, action and decision; past present and future. I think way too much, obviously. I remind myself every day to breathe. To find my inner strength, faith and resolve and to let it wash over my tired and haggard soul with very breath I take. I have it together in the warmth and sunshine of the day but the night time likes to haunt me and I let it. I dread sleep, the process the restlessness and the dreams that stir things that I really don't want stirred. I'm afraid of the dark.

Miss M