I saw it coming but it didn't make it any better. I knew Buttman wasn't going to show up. How depressing it is to be bummed about being stood up for a date I didn't really want it the first place. I just wanted a distration to save my self from my own self loathing and pity. It was my first Valentine's Day since Ex left I knew it would be hard and it was. I asked Buttman to do something so I wouldn't be able to sit at home and wallow. I would've asked someone I really wanted to be with but there's slim pickings around here. Besides Buttman, Mr. Man is the only other guy and that isn't ever going to happen. It should've but it won't. Even though all this drama and high school crap is going on here and now, my mind is wandering in ages ago. It feels like a lifetime ago. I miss him. He made my life wonderful and beautiful, for a time. I know its good for the both of us that we aren't married or together anymore, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it lately. Ex called me the other day to tell me that I was the love of his life and that he knows he screwed it up and that he'll never find anyone like me again, but that he wanted to apologize for all the things he did to hurt me over the years. He said he never deserved me but that I made him happy and gave him something to be happy for and that I was the only person he's ever loved that there will never be a love like ours ever again. Like a movie in my head I see him. I watch us living and loving together. A million and one things remind me that I was happy once. Even when I relive the bad times its okay because it makes sense to me. I knew how to do that to deal with that. There was a reason. This stuff now with these idiot boys, because boys they are, is wretched and stupid. There is no reason, no excuse, its malice and ignorance. Its pretty sad for them that the schizophrenic ex husband is rating higher in my regard than they are.
I hate being alone. I have too much passion and love to keep it all to myself. I know what it is to love because I have, because I do. Love doesn't end when you sign papers or when you break up. Love lasts forever. It may fade or be forgotten for a time but you will always remember who you have loved they will always occupy a part of your heart no matter how small, its there. Every experience makes your life richer and more beautiful. Every moment when someone else shares your life changes it, refines it, makes it better even if it can't last forever. I don't measure my life in days and years I measure it in periods of love. My family loved me and always loves me but when I was young thats one period of family love. Highschool you love and are loved by your schoolmates. Your early twenties are usually for loving your self and refining who you are and what you need out of life. Later you love someone else a partner and a companion a helpmate. Then you repeat it again with your children. You love them through their young years and you love them when they love no one else but their friends you love them as they dicover themselves and their lives. You love them when they fall in love with their companion and it cycles again and again. When I think about life this way then your whole existence is love. Love for everyone and anyone that passes before your window of experiences in this life. We build relationships that we can take with us into the life to come. An eternity of periods of love with the people we care about most, our families and their families and so on. I want my own family, people to take care of and love and teach and grow with. I feel stuck between two things. It is an unwanted feeling. I want to have a direction a purpose, an outlet for my natural feelings. I feel like I've taken ten steps back in life and that I have to rebuild and also revist a period I had a hard time with. A period where I live only for myself and it feels selfish, petty and empty of meaning. I feel unwanted unneeded unused and under appreciated. I feel selfish and lost. Life is empty without service and I found the most joy in service to the person I share my life with and now there is no one. Just bitter unwanted memories of what went wrong and beautiful tasting things that have gone sour. I want my life to taste like I just brushed my teeth. Clean and fresh, sweet and minty and waiting anxiously for the next thing that will tantilize my senses. To taste the sweetness of life again and be rinsed cleaned of the bitterness that festers there.
Miss M
3 comments:
Be wary of your future. Do not let these thoughts of feeling "empty" cloud your mind. You know it's not true. No one person can give you more love - a true love - than your Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. It must be learned to give love without recieving love. Let love flow through you to others without expecting a return. You need no reciept for love. Your ex appears to miss the easy life he had. Sucks to realize what you have after it's gone. But one of the true falts of people is to give in to guilt... pressure. What do you think?... be happy - by choice! :-)
I think considering the year and a half I've had that I am doing remarkably well. That my perspective and clarity of thought are better than most if given the same set of circumstances. I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge what I was feeling. Acknowledging it makes it easier to deal with it. You know me well enough by now to know that my melancholy lasts only until I face and assimilate it and change it. It makes the choice to be happy more authentic. An actual happiness and not a facade. Let's see how well you do when you get to love and loose it the first time. Your perspective might be a little different then.
That's very true, my friend. You have handled it well from my perspective. Last night I was tired and I guess it sounded a little more serious than I realized. And I'll be fine if that ever happens to me. Just as you are. It's my goals in life to handle it well.
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