This month has been one of the very best and worst. I usually have one extreme or the other and bounce back and forth. Never before have I had the most glorious bliss and exquisite sadness occupy me at the same time. Things have been so crazy that I have two unfinished posts that I probably won't ever attempt to finish.
I left for Phoenix the last day of January and returned on the 7th of February, a Wednesday, and on Friday, early morning, my dad went to the Hospital. On Sunday, in the earliest and quietest part of the morning, he passed away 10 minutes after midnight. My family believes he was waiting for the Sabbath because that day of the week always meant so much to him.
So as you can see its been an eventful month. A Crappy but Heavenly month.
I bought a plane ticket at the beginning of January with every intention of surprising my fella for his birthday. It lasted as a secret for barely a couple weeks if that. I couldn't not tell him and once I did he was so giddy happy that I was very glad I told him. He ended up taking that whole week off from work so he could spend all that time with me. Every moment I spent with him was wonderful. I had probably one of the best weeks of my life thus far. I add the thus far only because with a man like Tiger loving me life can only get better. And it already has in so many ways but that week was perfect, blissful, like the sweetest tasting manna from God. A gift that is nourishing to mind soul and body that is meant to be eaten slow and savored. I'm accepting that this is my life. Before now I expected the worse and believed I deserved it. My friendship with Tiger has shattered every misconception I've had about my miserable life. As we've grown in our love He's continued to prove that my ill fated destiny was a sham and showed me how I deserve to be loved and treated. So although I doubt I deserve this I'm beginning to believe that this is what my life will be like, a singing on the hilltop sort of blissfulness mixed with the silliest funniest best sort of cartoon, and the most legendary long lasting happily ever after sort of fairytale and romantically superb love story. Some kind of pure undiluted knock you on your ass sort of love potion has taken over me and I'm seriously doubting if my head will ever clear this pink tinted love fog. I'm happy and that in its self is worth sneezing about.
I left my dad in a somewhat stable state of ill health when I went to Phoenix. I made my parents swear to keep me updated on Dad and his health. They swore but they lied. My dad morbidly joked with me before I left that if he died while I was gone that he'd have them stick him on ice and wait for me to get back. He didn't want to ruin my vacation. Its strange humor but it was very sweet in a dad sort of way. My eldest brother picked me up from the airport and on the way home he filled me in on everything that had been going on with Dad while I was gone. The details don't really matter but he had wanted to prepare me for what I was about to see. He had deteriorated so much since I'd left that he almost didn't look like the same person. His skin was yellow because the cancer had spread to his liver. Everything they fed him only feed the cancer none of the food was getting to the rest of his body. He'd lost a lot more weight and his cheeks had sunk in. His eyes looked different darker and deeper. It was very sad to see.
He told everyone that he was waiting for me that I was the last piece of the puzzle that he had to have before he left this life. The first thing he had me do was report on my vacation and on Tiger. He needed to know that we would be together. The last conversations I had with my father were about Tiger and I. On the way to the hospital he told me that Tiger had his permission to marry me. Before he unable to speak or understand anymore I told him that Tiger had said that he was grateful for his permission and that he was glad to know he had it. He wasn't able to form words anymore but he smiled at me knowingly, sweetly, lovingly. He'd heard what he wanted to hear from me. Later when my mom was going through the arrangements my dad made for himself before he died she read the obituary he'd written my name as Monica "Tiger's last name" because he assumed that we'd be married by the time he'd pass. My mom was remiss to correct it.
As a family we had a lot of really good moments. Special one of kind kind of moments that happen in the silence when a family has to face something grave together. I wonder sometimes what things that my mom and my brothers experienced during that sad stretch of time and what they continue to experience. What moments and memories do they keep sacred. This man shaped us into who we ultimately became. He pushed and drove of to excel as individuals. The love he shared with our mother that we witnessed everyday taught us what it was to have a marriage and a love that would last for eternity, and he treated it as such, a sacred and beautiful relationship that will extend beyond this life. They had so much fun and happiness together. They just liked to be together doing just about anything. They would still hold hands and would call each other a few times through out their days when work prevented them from being together. We definitely know where his loyalty and priorities are. To his wife and to his family.
Its still hard to believe that he isn't here anymore, at least not physically. I miss him. I miss him the most when I think about all the things I won't get to share with him in life, my wedding, my children, just my life. I'm scared of the things that I will have to do without him. Those things that I relied on him for; advice, comfort, a good laugh, guidance, so many things. I miss his quiet strength and his sense of humor. Mom didn't really approve of our sense of humor because she thought them slightly inappropriate. Our humor, his and mine, were so similar. We laughed a lot together while my mom would blush which would just make us laugh more.
Tiger bought a plane ticket the day he died. He left midnight Monday and got in really early in the morning on Tuesday. The weather was starting to get nasty and every flight out of Chicago after his was cancelled. He just barely got here. It was really wonderful of him to drop everything to be out here with me. He said he wouldn't have done it any other way that I needed him and this is where he needed to be. Dad's visitation, funeral and burial all happened on one day, Valentine's Day. Tiger was by my side through it all. I did pretty good I didn't lose it till we were grave side. My second oldest brother dedicated the grave and I look around at all the shivering people surrounded by the white beautiful snow and then look at the casket and it all became so real. More tangible than it had been previously and it got to me. I felt bad sitting by the grave quietly crying while my dessert boyfriend stood behind me holding my hands and shoulders and freezing his Arizona butt off, but I needed the moment and he wasn't going to go anywhere till I was ready. So we stayed there for what felt like forever but was really only a few minutes. For some reason the image of the portly funeral guy with his black flat cap and pea coat standing guard over my dad till we drove away is an image that just won't leave my mind. I think his name was Larry. I like Larry very much for some reason.
Tiger was suppose to leave Thursday but all the flights were overbooked so he wasn't able to leave till Saturday. It was so nice to see him again so soon. I hadn't even been home a week when he flew out here for the funeral. Usually its a few months between visits. So I had two weeks of heaven with him. It made it even harder to say goodbye. He's decided to get it together and try to move here as soon as possible because he doesn't like being away from me. Its getting harder and harder for us to be apart. He'll probably move here some time in April. I can hardly wait. It'll be so fantastic to be able to have him here to spend time with as much as possible. I'll be happy to get a daily dose of Tiger in my life. All the time we've spent together just proves the fact that we're suppose to be together. He's my best friend and the the greatest love of my life. Although this month, and really the last two years of my dads cancer, has been full of heartache and sadness, its been one of the happiest times of my life and like I said before I have a lifetime of bliss to look forward to with Tiger. I'm glad to know that Dad will be watching all of this happiness unfold and that he's up there now teaching my future children to be extra ornery but also preparing them for this life so that when its time for them to be a part of this life they'll be ready. They couldn't ask for a better teacher.
Miss M
