My birthday is tomorrow. I'll be 24 years old. I don't mind the number so much. It's not too old and not really too young. It's a pretty good age to be turning, but for some reason I'm feeling a little down, a little blue, a little melancholy. I'll even admit that I cried just a little as silly as that is. Especially because I love birthdays. They've always been joyous, happy occasions for me and I've always looked forward to them, but this one is different somehow. It feels different. Usually you use your birthday as an excuse for making your friends buy you presents and take you out for really fattening dinners. The last few years I had a husband that made them a wonderful excuse to make love to me and be especially tender and loving. An all day worship of all things me and how much he loved me. Even though he hardly ever remembered to buy or could buy me presents he made the day wonderful with his sweetness. Before him I had wonderful friends that would throw me surprise parties and make me watch Xanadu till the wee hours of the morning and take me out to lovely semi expensive dinners. And if I really travel back through time who bought me Popples and Carebears and wore silly hats and ate junk food with me. It was the one day of the year that reminded you of all the wonderful people in your life who loved you and cared for you and as I sit here this evening thinking about tomorrow I realized that I'm a lot more alone than I realized or thought I was. Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful family that is doing their best to celebrate with me. I was taken out for ice cream today and I got a couple of cards and one present from my parents. I had another present that I can't allow myself to accept but that's a completely different subject. Also let me clarify, I'm not upset for the lack of material hurrah, I'm sad for the fact that I have no one with which to hurrah. I have no more husband and no great group of friends. I have one and a half friends. One who lives really far away and that I've never met in person and a half a friend in Mr. Man. Our phone conversation went well so I count him as half a friend at this point in time. Maybe he'll relax enough to really be a friend someday but right now it just isn't possible for him to do that. I am very grateful for the people I have in my life and they mean so much to me I guess I just needed to take this moment to be sad for all the things I've lost and let slip away. I could've and should've been more vigilant in the upkeep of a couple of my friendships and I have only myself to blame for that. And the other friends may have done things that warranted an end to our goings on, but that shouldn't have stopped me from making new friends. I am the reason that I am feeling lonely. I haven't opened myself up to people, afraid of the hurts that they could inflict upon me. That's why I have such a small circle of friends. It actually isn't even big enough to make a circle, good heavens, that's depressing.
I really have to stop thinking this way. It really doesn't do me or anyone else any good. I'm going to be perfectly fine in the morning. I always am. I guess I just needed to be sad a bit before I could remember all the wonderful things that I have in my life. Things are going well and getting better all the time. I feel a little old and alone at this exact moment in time, but when the sun comes up tomorrow I'll be a year older and hopefully a little wiser. I'll have my same cheery disposition and I'll celebrate with all the usual gusto. My cats will just have to wear the silly hats and help me blow out my candles. Next year though will be better because I'll have the next 365 days in which to make new friends and have new relationships. Besides I'll be 25 next year. I'll want to really do it up for my quarter century. So, Happy Birthday to Me! I'll sing my own song this year, but next year there'll be a tiny choir.
Miss M
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