Quandary

I feel like I'm in a bit of a quandary. I very much want to do what's right and I don't want to cause any undue hurts or pains to anyone, specifically Mr. Man. I talked to couple of different people both of whom have spoken with him recently and although I was glad to have news of him I didn't like the avenues in which it was obtained and the fact that this information was offered to me and not asked for. Or freely given to me by Mr. Man himself. This feels too much like high school. A lot of he said she said which leaves too many things up to interpretation. One person was my friend and would always want to give me information in a way that was pleasing to me and the other was my father who wants to defend and protect me as much as possible. It's very difficult to discern what is truly real and what is sugar coating to spare any hurt feelings on my part. My first instinct is to call him and talk to him myself but I've tried this and he didn't answer and he didn't call me back which is fine that's his choice, but in light of the things that I heard today my desire to call has been reignited again and so thus my quadary, to call or not to call. I do not by any means want to look desperate because I'm not. Nor do I want to make him uncomfortable. I don't want to force my prescence on someone who so obviously does not want it for reasons unknown to me. I'm not even sure if he doesn't want to talk to me because he hates me or if it's too hard for him to sort out his feelings about me when I'm around or for another entirly different reason that I haven't thought of as of yet. I also don't want to look stupid, but what better reason to take the risk than a friendship and possibly for love?

A phone call should not be this difficult. A conversation shouldn't be this hard. I worry not for me because I already know where I stand I just don't want to bother Mr. Man if he doesn't want to be bothered. I want to understand what's going on with him so I can act accordingly. If he wants to be friends than I will be a friend. If he really wants to be left alone than I will leave him alone and if he wants to talk to me again but its too hard to initiate than I will initiate. I guess all I can do is to just be myself and if he doesn't like that than its his responsiblity to communicate that to me more effectively. I just don't want to be pushy and I don't want him to feel guilty for what's in the past. Mr. Man has to figure this out for himself and I don't want him talking to me out of guilt or obligation. If he spends time with me I want it to be because he desires to. I can handle anything that he can dish out. There is nothing that he can throw at me that I haven't already dealt with before. I'm tougher than most peole realize and I've lived a life that has taught me more than some people have learned through out their lives. And that's what it feels like, like I've lived a lifetime before this moment. It kindof makes me feel old but not in a bad way. I am glad for the understanding I have about life and people and relationships. My relationships and my goings on may seem very innocent and naive but it's these little seemingly unimportant decisions that shape our lives into what they are. It took me a long time to learn that. Big decisions may be just that, big, but if you add up all the little decisions that you make every day together than its huge. It makes such an impact. It's an impact that that's staring us right in the face, but we just can't see it dressed in the guise of small unimportant matters when really they make a huge difference.

I think I will eventually call Mr. Man and try to revive our friendship again. I pray that it will go well not because I want him back again but because I feel the absence of his friendship, of his prescence. I don't want to ensnare his affections or convince him of anything. If those things resurface I want them to be because he is offering them freely and without doubt not because I pestered him or guilted him into it. All I'm interested in is clearing the air and putting to death any misunderstandings we may have between us because there seem to be quite a few. If we are friends after that than wonderful, I'll be pleased, but if not, than at least there will be some closure. I myself don't want it to be closed though. Mr. Man was a friend first and foremost and it'll be sad if we can't figure this out. It's just weird. Normally, I wouldn't put in this much effort or thought into a situation like this. I would've written him out of my life and moved on but something keeps whispering to me that there is something more to be gleaned from this and I pray for the understanding of what that reason might be because right now I'm in the quadary of why am I even bothering.

Miss M