Friends

Although Mr. Man claims to want to be friends I don't think he's going to be able to. He can barely talk to me. I don't know what the reason can be maybe he misses me too maybe in the course of our odd breakup he hates me or pities me or something I'm not really sure what's going on with him because he won't talk to me. Yeah it hurts that we broke up but the thing that hurts more is I can't talk to him anymore. It was the thing I liked best about him. I don't trust very easily and I don't like to have a whole lot of people in my life and for me to let him in like I did, like I do is huge. Even though he's probably thinking I'm pining away for him I'm not. I lament the passing of a friendship. I'm upset about the way he feels it necessary to talk to me now, because he looks like an idiot because he's making no sense and his word is law. There is no room for me in our conversations. They don't even feel like conversations it feels more like mini sermons. I feel very much patronized. It almost feels as if he feels like I should be learning from this and that he is so wise. But Mr. Man, he just doesn't get it. I don't need someone who knows nothing about life and relationships telling me what is best. Not that I am all knowing but I am all knowing when it comes to me. As far as I'm concerned the whole break up thing is forgiven and forgotten my only goal is to revive a friendship that I miss. I just want some one to talk to, someone to hang out with on my days off, someone to tease and laugh with. Those things are possible but only when Mr. Man decides that he is okay with that. When he stops tip toeing around me like some injured animal that could strike any minute or like a love starved school girl who'll jump on him the first moment we're alone. Because those things are not going to happen I have too much self rescpect and pride to lower myself to that level. He must think those things will happen because he told me if we ever were to spend time together to not be offended if he brought somebody along and that there offended me. What does he think I'm going to do? I could care less if we hang out with a bunch of people but I for sure don't want a chaperone. I'm 24 years old (in eight days) and if I still need a chaperone at this point in my life than I shouldn't be dating or talking to people at all. But maybe the chaperone isn't for me. Maybe he doesn't trust himself to be alone with me. Maybe I have this all wrong maybe he is still buggered by me. Even though he was the one that ended it withme doesn't mean that he doesn't still care and is hurting just as bad as I have. And if that's the case if he still cares then why end it all in the first place? I guess I'm just confused and why I think its so important for us to talk because I want this sorted away so that Mr. Man and I can go back to being frineds and look and this whole mess and laugh at ourselves. Because we are both acting like idiots as far as I'm concerned. This whole situation is almost laughable if it didn't hurt so much.

The way I figure it is, love is the thing that is worth the risk and hurt above anything else in life, because it's love. We should be cautious in the people that we love but once we find them then all else should fall away. We should be careful in the speed of things too but we shouldn't let it go because we are scared and unsure. Love is powerful and magical and if we honor it all the other doubts and fears in life go away. There is a joy in love that can only be comprehended when you are in love whole heartedly not just a little bit. Tasting it cannot be enough you have to drink it in let it wash over your whole body in every aspect of your life and then everything in the world around you looks new and fresh again because you are looking at it with love's eyes with love's flame burning within you. Nothing is impossible and nothing will stop you when you decide to let yourself be in love. You can conquer anything. You can accomplish all your goals and dreams. I want that, not transient infatuation, not a starry eyed boy who just likes the idea of what having someone can be like. I want someone who is affected to their core who aches when I aches who is Joyous when I'm joyous and I will do the same for them. There is a sweetness in being loved and in loving. I miss that. That was the hardest thing to give up when it came to Ex. It was hard to let that sweetness die after he went away. To have the rythmn of my life change. I don't miss him anymore, but I want to be able to love somone again and have them stick around. I don't want temporary gratification or the facade of love I want the real thing. I want something eternal. Something that will last forever and since I don't have someone like that right now I'll continue doing what I know to be right and true. Strive each day to make myself a better woman, a better saint, a better friend and daughter and sister than I was yeasterday. Then one day one of these tomorrows will bring a new beginning a new chance at love and happiness. And if that chance never comes than, oh well, I'm happy knowing that I'm doing my best and striving each day to please my Father in Heaven, because I am never really alone, He is always there.

Now I would be remiss if I did not mention how the kindness of another friend is invaluable to me. Internet guy is there like always listening to me talking with me and laughing with me. His friendship means alot to me and I am glad to have it in my life. I'm grateful that we have as much fun as we do even though we live so far away from each other. One of these days I'm sure we'll be able to hang out in person but I'm happy with the way things are right now and since I know that he reads this I just wanted him to know that. That I value our friendship and that it is a treasure to me.

Miss M