I had yet another lengthy phone conversation with Mr. Man tonight. We had a misunderstanding yesterday. He made it seem as if we would continue with our plans for the weekend but doing so as friends. So tonight I called him to ask him what time to expect him for our plans this saturday. But to my surprise, Mr. Man had left town to go visit his twin brother a little ways from where we live. So now not only have I been uncerimoniously dumped I know feel stood up and stupid. He also felt it necessary to rehash and discuss again the happenings and realizations from yesterday. Dumped, stood up, stupid and now humiliated. I very much wanted to see some wisdom in his decision but now I'm getting a little frustrated and angry. Mr. Man has been very unkind in his treatment of me whether he is justified or not. I am not so much upset by the end result because I will not force or coerce anyone into loving or caring for me or even pretending too, but I am upset by his seemingly unfeeling attitude towards me. It painted it so cut and dry with no wiggle room for anything else. I'm probably wrong. I'd hate to think that he really is the way he appears to be in the this moment, but I would very much like an apology for the mishandling of this situation. As a result of his swiftness and eagerness to be with me I am now left feeling used and betrayed. I also feel somewhat cheap and trashy. I allowed myself to be intimate with him not in an obviously sexual way but in a more innocent physicalness. Holding his hand leaning against him snuggling with him. I fell asleep on him the other day too. Things that some would say is natural but to me are very big physical intimacies that I participated in only because I was under the impression that he meant the things that he said that things were headed towards the more eternal realm. Besides my ex he is the only person that I have allowed to be that close to me. Yes I have kissed more boys than just my ex but I believe that the little physical things are sometimes more intimate. The closeness of it. Body next to body breath with breath. Fingers and hands clasped together in trust and mutal respect and regard. I allowed him to touch me, my hair, my face, my back, my sides I allowed him to look in my eyes with out a wall. Innocent and seemigly unimportant as they are I am not the type of person to let just anyone get that close to me. Hence the Ex and Mr. Man being the only persons to whom I found worthy of that part of me. Maybe it is my fault for trusting so readily and quickly. For believing him when he sold me paper wings. Mr. Man says that he meant all the things that he said but that the timing was off and we went too fast, but honestly I'm not sure what to believe. I spent that last four years of my life being manipulated by a master manipulator. Ex hardly ever used cruel word against me. He used my love to control me. He twisted it and used it for his own means and to work his own schemes and I followed him blindly. I doubt that Mr. Man outright lied. I believe him to a certain degree but in the same breath this feels too familiar. The hurt however unintentionally and innocently inflicted feels the same. It hurts double because not only do I feel the pains of now but it brings to the surface again the pains caused by Ex and by the past. I don't like that they are swimming together in the same murky pond because I do believe that Mr. Man was honorable and that he's just trying to do what's best for both of us.
I would have liked to have been apart of this decision. I feel like things have gone to far for him to have made such a strikingly unilatteral decision with out me and with out my just as valid opinions. I have a wisdom that he doesn't comprehend. Yes, he may be following the council of very wise and righteous men but sometimes we must find our own paths within the very basics of what we believe. Some answers do not fit all circumstances and I feel that we have very unique cicumstances. I feel that I could have shared and expressed very valid things not to persude him in my direction but to use our experience as an oppurtunity to learn. So that we can move on to other people or to pick up and try again. If anything to make a very wonderful friendship even stronger and more wonderful because we have come to an understanding of the other person. I still feel that we should have slowed down and come at this from a different angle intead of him calling it quits because there was something left there to salvage. Now, if Mr Man decides that I am someone he wants to be with and he is for sure, it'll be harder the next time around for him to calm the pot that he stirred up and he'll have to work double time to make it right again. Which from my understanding of our conversations is a possiblity that he entertains as a maybe. Mr. Man did promise me that if we were to come together again at some point in time in the future that it would be permanent and he would be doing so with no doubts in his heart. That the next time would be for certain. At this point I'll cross that bridge when and if it comes right now I'm double checking and being more cautious because I still feel as if I'm still wandering through a minefield who's end and goal I am not sure of. I generally feel like an idiot and not the silly kind.
Miss M
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