I am a confused and tired. I'm tired of being soo confused and frustrated. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of the mess that my life seems to be in. I'm tired of loving people I can't keep. I'm tired of being scared of new opportunities although I seem to rush at them blindly. I'm tired of worrying all the time. I'm tired of everyone else being my main concern instead of fixing the things that I know are damaged within me, because I am broken. I'm damaged and insecure. I'm messed up and frustrated. I can't seem to decide what it is that I need to do and stick with it. It seems to be changing everyday.
I went to a dance yesterday. It was a glorious time I had so much fun, But my emotions seemed to run the gambit. Every emotion possible possessed me at some point and time. Anger, rage, frustration, giddy, Happy, thankful, sad, melancholy, heartache, flirty, coy, lust, love, remorse. heartache, and a Million others. Its amazing to me how I could experience all that and still say I had a wonderful time. My relationships seem to be so complex and I'm not sure if its because they are or because I make them that way. Mr. Man always seems to be on the outskirts of everything. I had such a wonderful time with him at the dance. We danced together several times. It was so much fun. I was fine and happy and I was content with just friends until we danced together the third time. I was teasing him about how me and Captain Doofus felt jipped because the dates we got out of him seemed to be simple and cheap compared to this one date he had with Captain Albino. I was teasing it was all in good fun most of these dates were just for fun and we had talked about them before, but as we swayed to the music with the lights swirling around us he looked at me with eyes that seemed to speak of some pain and some admiration and told me that I had not been jipped. Reminding me without so many words that our dating was different. He wouldn't stop looking at me. He stared at my face seemingly enraptured with it, with me. He looked at me directly and in the eyes. He looked at me in a way that people who are just friends shouldn't look. I talked a mile a minute like I always do when I'm nervous and scared. Unsure of what he was doing and trying to say. It was exhilarating and terrifying. I only have it in me to handle one thing at a time. I had wrapped my head around the friend thing and I was going along with that pretty well but he throws things at me that I don't expect. The Contessa of Quick Wit even informed me that when the Oaf of Doolittle cut in on me and Mr. Man dancing that Mr. Man was very upset and unhappy about The Oaf doing that, interrupting our dance. I don't understand. He does everything he can to remind me of my place and then he pulls crap like that and confuses me. He even seemed to get over excited when the other girls let it slip that I had an interest in one of the other guys that was coming. He didn't like that I wouldn't tell him and even brought it up again today when I saw him. Mr. Man frustrates me.
I did see the guy I was hoping to see. I'll call him Mr. Iowa. I've seen him before at a few other dances I talked about him in another post he was the DDR guy I danced with. I was impressed with him then and then I ran into him again when I went to that conference with Mr. Man and the other girl from church. He was great there too. I got his phone number when I was up there but I've been too chicken to call. He remembered me and I suppose hit on me a little or at least did some pretty good flirting. I did a good job of it with him I returned the flirting beautifully and we are already planning to see each other in June for the Dance that I'm planning for my Stake. I really had a good time with him and I can't wait to see him again. I think I have a bit of a crush on him and that terrifies me. I have a really hard time with this dating stuff. Its no big deal when it doesn't mean anything but If I see any sort of real possibilities I turn tail. I'm terrified for "normal" people to see how screwed up that I feel I am. I don't want to be opened to more hurt because Ex and Mr. Man are still getting to me and I don't need Mr. Iowa or anyone else for that matter screwing with me. I seem to be a delicate balancing act as it is and I don't need one more imaginary emotional issue to deal with.
On top of my idiot girliness I always seem to have going on, because I'm an idiot girl, other more serious things are adding themselves to my already overwhelming life. I need to see a doctor. I have something going on that is very similar to what I've had before and it could be no big deal or it could be something rather serious if I try to ignore it. Financial issue with my health care and in general are getting there moment on my mind's stage. I'm just barely getting out of the mess that Ex created with my spineless help. I have some but not all of that debt paid off and its getting better all the time but if my health issue is what it is that I think that it is than its going to be very very expensive. I also have no more health insurance with my new job. I have wonderful wonderful friends and I cherish them so much and I'm so happy to have them but I still feel very much alone. I want to be sad and I don't want them to see. I want to be scared but I have to be strong. I don't like them to see that my faith is not as strong as it should be. I know. I know that everything is going to be okay and that eventually I'm going to have everything that I want and I'll get to that place that I want to be in in life. I know this but in the mean time while my life is catching up to my hopes and prayers I'm feeling overwhelmed and underqualified to handle all the millions of difficulties that seem to continue to come at me. I know what it is that I need to do to get all the things that I need and want out of life but they seem so far away and unattainable sometimes. I feel pelted and injured and gun shy from all that's come at me in the last year.
Next Saturday will be exactly one year since I put Ex on a bus to Utah. When I look back I have no idea how I did it. It was so much and it was so hard. I felt like I was going to going to cry forever so I guess every once and awhile isn't so bad. Things are getting better and compared to that with a little perspective what's happening right now isn't so bad. It just feels that way. I just feel like I'm walking a very hard and difficult road all by myself, but my road isn't really as hard as it seems to be sometimes and its only lonely because I forget to look around and see that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me so very much and has provided everything I need to help me travel life's treacherous road including an elder Brother who went before me and shows me the way, shows all of us a way to make it through the thorns and everything else. He's already cleared the way and helps us carry our burdens. I just need the faith to believe that this isn't really the lonely road that it feels like. And as always tomorrow is always better. I just need to breath.
Miss M
No comments:
Post a Comment