Headache

Well the move is a no go. Needless to say I'm very disappointed. I'm more than disappointed. Disappointed doesn't begin to describe it. I feel very hurt. I know that its not a personal thing that the timing isn't right for him just yet and thats fine. Or at least it will be fine. I know its not personal but it feels that way. My insecurities wouldn't remain quiet on this one. Tiger said that he can come whenever he wants and he meant that to be a comforting thing but all I could think was, "If you can move whenever you want then how come you don't want to be with me? Why aren't I worth it to you yet?" We talked for a very long time the other night, but not much was said. At least not on my part. I didn't trust myself not to say something ridiculously hurtful because I was upset. The good thing that came out of this is that Tiger finally told his father his ultimate plan to move here. It was really hard on him to do that. His dad was very upset. I felt bad for being the catlyst in this world changing revalation. Everything will have to be different for him and his family and then my insecurities started screaming again, "I'm not worth all this trouble."

I'm a mess of insecurities angst and a little bit of anger. Mostly though I feel sad and helpless. My world feels like its falling apart and my family is embarking on what may possibly be the last holiday we will have in this life as a whole family. My dad isn't getting better. He's starting to go through his personal things and organizing it for us for when he's gone. He's doing alot of little things to tie off the loose ends of his life. Preparing stuff trying to make it easier on us. I'm not sure if its any easier but its nice.

There's just so much going on. I want one thing to be what I want it to be because nothing else can be. I want Tiger to be here. Its getting so much harder to say good bye to him especially if I'm having a bad day or feeling vulnerable. I miss him. I want him to be here to be who I need him to be and to be who he says he wants to be to me. All of these other things would be easier if he was here. I could relax a little having someone to sit with and lean against at the end of the day. He is a safe and soft place for me to land at night. I want him to see my life and understand it. I tell him about it but sometimes that just doesn't do it justice. He lives in a very happy and carefree world and I hate shaking it. I don't like how our lives are in such stark contrast sometimes. But thats the interesting thing about relationships is two completly different people finding and discovering that although their circumstances are very different they're essentially one person in two bodies who searched and then found each other. At least thats what it feels like for Tiger and I. I like having a different perspective to my own, one thats similar to the way that I already think I just hadn't thought about it that way. And he loves me and cares about me and he thinks about me not just about the situation that I am in like I do.

Over the last few days and talking to him more and more I see some wisdom in waiting for him to move. I still don't like it much but I'm okay. The conversations that Tiger and I have had the last few night have been really great. I'm still astounded at how well that he seems to be able to deal with me and comfort and guide me in such a gentle and calm way. I love the sweetness that Tiger gives me in our relationship. He's so tender in the way that he speaks to me and teases with me and even when he's frustrated with me he doesn't get cross or angry with me. I'm still in awe of the fact tha he loves me despite and because of all my wierdness and flaws.

This week started out as such a headache both figurativly and literally. I was sick all week and tired and unhappy because of his decision to not move just yet, but its okay now. It really is ok. I feel bad for thinking about him as a headache, but I was just so frustrated with having to deal with all this stuff I'm already dealing with and then to be faced with the reality of the fact that he isn't coming made the week that much harder. I think I made myself sick and the more I started to be okay with it the more I started to feel better.

One day, I hope its soon, Tiger will tell me when it is that he will come. I know he will know and tell me one day. Its just so hard not knowing when I'm going to see him again, knowing it may be quite bit of time yet till we are together. I'm trying really hard not to be selfish. Its turning out to be a very diffcult thing to do. Its still a headache sometimes but its worth the pain. I love him.

Miss M