I guess more than anything lately I’ve been thinking about love. Romantic may be the first that comes to mind and the one I think about most but I also think about all the different kinds of love. I admit that I miss the happy things I had with my ex husband, but he gave love conditionally. I’ve been trying lately to think only on the wonderful moments that we shared, but I’m having some difficulty in doing that, mostly because I’ve been talking to someone new. He isn’t anything too too serious at this point but he’s becoming a good friend and as friends do, especially when they’re still pretty new, we are feeling each other out getting an idea of who this person is and what life this person has lived. We spend a good amount of time just talking about anything everything and it’s in the course of these discussions that I get a great deal of confusion and muddled emotions. These conversations stir memories of the past that leave me feeling unsettled ad uneasy. Not that he is similar to the ex but that in the course of conversation I recall things. It’s very much hard to explain exactly what it is that’s going on in my head. I feel inclined to talk about it though even if it doesn’t make any sense to anyone but me.
I miss so many things about being in love and I worry that I’ll rush into a new relationship just to have that back again. I want things to be different, not just something that’ll last longer but something altogether more joyous. I want to be in love without the abuse, to be with someone who is willing to love me back without the conditions and with the understanding that I’ve been hurt and can understand or at least be accepting of my emotional vulnerabilities and insecurities because at this point there are so many of them. They might not be so outwardly visible to anyone but I feel them. I notice them as I converse and grow an innocent affection for this new friend (who I hope is not freaking out if he’s reading this). I just find myself remembering the beginnings with my ex and I the more I talk with the new boy, and it frustrates me and it scares me, because love always begins the same. Everyone is kind and sweet and generous with themselves in the beginning. I don’t want to say I was blameless in my last relationship but it was not me that made things bitter and unhappy. I gave everything I had and more to him and our marriage. I nearly lost my family and all my friends and as unhealthy as that was it is what happened. There was a sort of gladness in the fact that I was with him that I could share all I had and felt with this man. There were so many happy moments that I do not want to forget but they are all tainted by the things that came after. I do not trust that the memories weren’t rose colored by my naivety about love and life. I hope to have more such moments but without the pain of one person’s need to control and manipulate me. I’d like to say that this new friend is different that he would not be like that if it ever were to get to that point, but I thought my ex would never do that to me either. I know it’s just my being unsure of myself and not trusting my judgments anymore and that my emotional wounds are still healing. I hope that I can find someone who is gentle and kind, loving and forgiving of my shortcomings and insecurities. This new friend as interested as I am to see where it will go is not something I am ready for, Today. Someday…..........maybe. Who knows, it is all so very confusing and interesting. I get the whole married and relationship thing but the wooing and courtship is a little bit harder for me to grasp. I want to be swept off my feet I want someone to put some effort into me to make me a priority and to do so willingly because they want to, because they want to be with me always. I want someone to feel honored to have me and smitten by my charms and feel gratitude for my company. Is that too much to ask for? : )
Miss M
I miss so many things about being in love and I worry that I’ll rush into a new relationship just to have that back again. I want things to be different, not just something that’ll last longer but something altogether more joyous. I want to be in love without the abuse, to be with someone who is willing to love me back without the conditions and with the understanding that I’ve been hurt and can understand or at least be accepting of my emotional vulnerabilities and insecurities because at this point there are so many of them. They might not be so outwardly visible to anyone but I feel them. I notice them as I converse and grow an innocent affection for this new friend (who I hope is not freaking out if he’s reading this). I just find myself remembering the beginnings with my ex and I the more I talk with the new boy, and it frustrates me and it scares me, because love always begins the same. Everyone is kind and sweet and generous with themselves in the beginning. I don’t want to say I was blameless in my last relationship but it was not me that made things bitter and unhappy. I gave everything I had and more to him and our marriage. I nearly lost my family and all my friends and as unhealthy as that was it is what happened. There was a sort of gladness in the fact that I was with him that I could share all I had and felt with this man. There were so many happy moments that I do not want to forget but they are all tainted by the things that came after. I do not trust that the memories weren’t rose colored by my naivety about love and life. I hope to have more such moments but without the pain of one person’s need to control and manipulate me. I’d like to say that this new friend is different that he would not be like that if it ever were to get to that point, but I thought my ex would never do that to me either. I know it’s just my being unsure of myself and not trusting my judgments anymore and that my emotional wounds are still healing. I hope that I can find someone who is gentle and kind, loving and forgiving of my shortcomings and insecurities. This new friend as interested as I am to see where it will go is not something I am ready for, Today. Someday…..........maybe. Who knows, it is all so very confusing and interesting. I get the whole married and relationship thing but the wooing and courtship is a little bit harder for me to grasp. I want to be swept off my feet I want someone to put some effort into me to make me a priority and to do so willingly because they want to, because they want to be with me always. I want someone to feel honored to have me and smitten by my charms and feel gratitude for my company. Is that too much to ask for? : )
Miss M
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