The Beast

Sorrow, not everyone experiences it the same, at least I don’t think that they do. For me it’s a very potent thing that fills every sense and every feeling. The best that I can describe it is as a great beast deep in your belly lying dormant and sleeping. Its not really doing anything but its there giving you a tummy ache and making you feel terrible, you can feel the steady pulse and breathing of it but you’re not always sure what it exactly it is. It’s something that you can live with but it’s uncomfortable. So you go through your days and your weeks with this great beast as a companion feeling a little off but functional. Then one day someone comes and pokes the sleeping beast and stirs it. It may not be much but he rustles a bit and huffs and you have a bit of a jolt from the movement. Then something or someone comes by and pokes it again. This time he gets a bit more upset and this beast of sorrow stands and turns circles trying to find a better place to rest. Now you are really starting to realize that he’s waking and you hope he doesn’t wake up too much because you don’t want anyone else to know that he’s there, that this ugly beast is inside of you. And while you are in this turmoil and your belly is really starting to hurt another unknowing idiot comes and pokes it. They poke it really hard and the beast starts to get angry. He huffs harder and steam starts to build behind your eyes making moisture fill your eyes to cool the burn. You start blinking more frequently and there’s a pain in you chest as the sorrowful beast tries to claw its way out. And of course there is always one more person who says that one thing that really pokes and pisses off the beast and he starts to really get mad and he stomps and huffs and claws and the burning tears wash over your contorted face and your throat tries to close to keep the beast in and hidden but coughs and gasps and wails escape you as you weep from the pain of him stomping and carrying on and throwing a fit. He’s furious angry and frustrated. I think that that’s what sorrow and sadness really is, anger and fury. It just manifests itself as tears. You want to scream, “Oh just leave my beast alone. I’ll get rid of him when I’m ready!”
Sorrow is a process. It takes time to rid yourself of such an awful beast, but the more I experience it the more I realize you have to want to let it go. Right now my sadness is all I’m sure of because everything else is such a mess. I can’t let it stay for very much longer, because I’m missing it. I’m missing all the beautiful things in life that are happening all around me. I’m blinded and stuck the longer I feed this beast inside me. I have to let it go and be scared for awhile. The future is scary right now because I don’t know what’s going to happen I don’t have any real or definite goals. I’ve had to discover for myself who I want to be and I just don’t know yet. I’ll know eventually but for now I don’t and that’s terrifying. My faith is growing but it’s a slower process than I would like it to be. I’m glad things are starting to look better and things are starting to fall into place. I need to look for the joy and goodness in my life in order to kill this beast and move on. There is so much around me that is beautiful I just need to open my eyes and wipe away the tears so I can see clearly again. I know that I’m not the only one who is going through this so to everyone else who is battling this beast I say, “Happy hunting. We’ll get through this together.”
He’s not as scary as he looks. I know I can do this.

Miss M