I'm moving on friday. Its a difficult thing for me to pack. Especially now. Before it was only because packing is such an unpleasant task, but now....now its even harder. I'm moving back to my parents house because my dad is sick with cancer and my mom needs the extra support. The thing thats hard though is that I'm also newly single and I have to pack up a life that I can't have any more. I still have all his stuff, our wedding presents, our pictures. Some of this stuff I have to pack away forever and I'll never see it again or I have to forget about it and move on. Change is hard, its difficult to say goodbye to so many things. My love, my life, my dreams, my plans, my hopes and not only do I have to do that I also have to move home and watch my dad get sicker and sicker praying that what I fear most won't happen. Its a difficult reality to be faced with. I'd like to think that I've been handling it all well that I've kept it together. I had one really bad day when I tried to pack my ex's closet, the closet where I put all his stuff after he left. It still smells like him. It makes me sad even to think about how much that small space feels like him and to feel how much I miss what we had when life was still ok and everything wasn't slipping away, falling apart or dying. I opened the door to pack it and I sat in there and cried for an hour or more. Not just a little bit of tears but heartwrenching sobs and I felt so sick to my stomach. It all collided with me at once. I felt winded by the blow of it.
I hate to cry but there is a beauty in sorrow. Such vulnerablity and passion. We put so much into our true sorrow; our energy, our pain, our anguish, our hopes and fears. When we are finished or exhasuted of tears then it can be such a release, a comfort. Even though I know this is a good process I still have a hard time going through it myself. I don't like to be that opened and exposed to the world around me and to myself. I like to think that I'm so strong and independent and to admit that I hurt and that I need someone else is stageringly debilitating and frustrating. I want to be connected to someone else that I love. I want to be married to have someone to witness my life and I his and to have a family, but if I failed at it once how can I trust myself to not fail agian. How we were able to hurt the one that we loved so much I'll never undestand. There are some circumstances that are forgiving and lets what happened be more acceptable. Him and his personal mental health, I can't change those things. I worry more for the part that I played because thats the only thing that I can control and change. Everyone tells me that what happened wasn't my fault and that there isn't anyone to blame for things that were out of our hands but I can't help but look back and wonder. I don't want to be the one who hurts the people that I love and care for. I don't want to fall in love or in love so hard because I don't want to be the monster that hurts someone that I care about and love so fiercly. It just seems easier not to let them in in the first place, but I cannot be alone forever but its so hard to let go and to pack up all that came before this moment in my life and to see a new sunrise on the horizin because the night was so seductive and intoxicating. I have to say good bye to the night because I have to love where there is no shadows, nothing hidden. For now though I'll sit in the closet and remember and grieve what was before tomorrow comes.
Miss M
I hate to cry but there is a beauty in sorrow. Such vulnerablity and passion. We put so much into our true sorrow; our energy, our pain, our anguish, our hopes and fears. When we are finished or exhasuted of tears then it can be such a release, a comfort. Even though I know this is a good process I still have a hard time going through it myself. I don't like to be that opened and exposed to the world around me and to myself. I like to think that I'm so strong and independent and to admit that I hurt and that I need someone else is stageringly debilitating and frustrating. I want to be connected to someone else that I love. I want to be married to have someone to witness my life and I his and to have a family, but if I failed at it once how can I trust myself to not fail agian. How we were able to hurt the one that we loved so much I'll never undestand. There are some circumstances that are forgiving and lets what happened be more acceptable. Him and his personal mental health, I can't change those things. I worry more for the part that I played because thats the only thing that I can control and change. Everyone tells me that what happened wasn't my fault and that there isn't anyone to blame for things that were out of our hands but I can't help but look back and wonder. I don't want to be the one who hurts the people that I love and care for. I don't want to fall in love or in love so hard because I don't want to be the monster that hurts someone that I care about and love so fiercly. It just seems easier not to let them in in the first place, but I cannot be alone forever but its so hard to let go and to pack up all that came before this moment in my life and to see a new sunrise on the horizin because the night was so seductive and intoxicating. I have to say good bye to the night because I have to love where there is no shadows, nothing hidden. For now though I'll sit in the closet and remember and grieve what was before tomorrow comes.
Miss M
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