He loves me. He told me that he did. I almost didn't believe him. I didn't even say it back right away. I think I said 'thank you'. How horrible is that?! He says 'I love you' and I say 'thank you'. I feel terrible. I also feel nervous. I miss him terribly. I can hardly wait to see him again. He might even help me get a plane ticket so we can see each other in November. Even November feels too far away.
He's been home barley a week and we've been talking a little bit about the future. I call them our hypotheticals. Wouldn't it be nice sortof stuff. Its been really wonderful to talk about these things. I like thinking about our future together and how wonderful it'll enevitable turn out to be, but then as they always do my friends and my family start piping in on everything. He hadn't even been gone a half an hour when my mom started talking about veils and how pretty I would be. I like talking about this stuff with him when its just us and its seems so dreamy and far away in one day world. But my friends are already taking bets on when he's going to propose and picking our wedding date and then it feels wrong. Like we're skipping a step. On top of this I'm so tired half the time and I just haven't been feeling right. I feel my old issues rising up in me again. My self doubt, my low self esteem. I don't feel like I deserve this and then when I talk to him last night Tiger brings up something that he has every right to bring up and I'm done for. I lost it. I had a spaz out freak out moment. I feel terrible. I'd been doing so good at keeping things in percepective and letting things come to me slowly and it all fell apart. I'm used to my weirdness but I don't think Tiger is. I'm worried I may have scared him, made him doubt why he likes me. I'm having a harder time dealing with all of this than I thought. Not with him, I love him but I'm having a hard time dealing with all the different opinions coming at me. I feel like I'm being swept up and I want to keep my feet firmly planted on reality. I want to stay in this moment and not get ahead of myself. We've been dating for a week and a half and my friends are telling me to think about wedding dresses and my brother is talking about the food at our reception and then Tiger has me day dreaming with him about kids and dream houses, hand holding and wedding rings. I didn't mind so much talking about these things with Tiger, but I think that these dreams are more real to me than they are to him. I think that he's talking about these things seriously with me but I also think he's enjoying the novelty and newness of all of this. He's never felt like this before. I on the other not only have been in love before but these dreams used to be a reality to me I was married and I was trying to have children. There was a time in my life when it was nothing but happy dreaming and then it was taken from me. Every happy dream I'd ever had I had to watch shatter and splinter and break. Every ounce of love I had had was perverted and distorted to the point that I was unable to see reality. I was abused and used up and left by myself to wallow in the misery of lost dreams. I've lived this dreaming before and it was terrible to watch it dissolve awy and this time, this time is so different and yet so similar. The day dreaming that Tiger and I have been doing, what little we've done, is so much more real and so much more wonderful than the dreams I had before. Its more potent and powerful because Tiger actually does care about me and he's incapable lying. He has no agenda. Tiger suits me in a way that Ex could never dream of fitting with me. He suits me and fits me because he is my best friend, and now everything is changing. If I lose this if I screw this up whats going to happen to me? Will it be even more terrible than it was the first time around?
I want to take the risk. Love is worth the risk and the heart ache, but I can't be freaking out on him all the time. I need to fix this so things can work out naturally regardless of if we marry or not. If it flows naturally with out our messing with it I think it'll hurt less. So I propose to him that we change a little bit how we talk to each other. Not so much for his sake but for my sanity. Daydreaming is well and good but if we talk about the future I want it to be more down to business than the rambling on hypotheticals we've been doing. There are certain things and questions that he'll need the answers to andI'm all for it, those things are important but I want us to keep a close eye on it so it doesn't get out of hand. I think that at least until we are more certain of the future we both want from each other we should be careful not to be caught up in fantasy. That if we want to be lovey dovey and mushy mushy with each other that we should talk about the shared experiences we already have. We had and amazing and wonderful weekend together and we could talk about that forever and then add to it the more we see each other. We can get excited about the things that are coming up for us in the short term. Like the trip I might take in November. Thats all based on real stuff and we aren't getting too far ahead of ourselves. I think I'll be able to handle this much better doing it this way. As well as reigning in my friends and family and telling to stop planning this for us and that we'll figure it out ourselves in a way that is best for us.
I want this to stay happy. I don't want things to get to complicated. I want this to work and I want to be able to keep my best friend. Life will be easy to live with him by my side. I think the thing that will help us the most is if he gets his patriarchial blessing. It'll help him figure out the best road for him to take before he gets too much farther into this. It'd probably answer so many of the questions he has right now. I know its okay to love him because I have mine and he fits in so perfectly into what it says. I guess I would feel better if we knew if I fit into what it is that Heavenly Father wants for him.
In the mean time I can't wait to see him again. I miss my friend. I loved spending time with him in person. It seems so much easier to doubt things when we are so far apart. In person, with him next to me, there was no fear. It felt as natural as could be like he'd been in my arms forever. I want him to know I love him and that I often think about our last night together here in Illinois. How happy I was to sit with him by the river and have him hold my hands as we talked and laughed and how sublime it was to stand above the river and feel the warmth of his lips on mine as the cold rain spattered and dripped down or faces. How amazing it was to have him touch me so sweetly and tenderly. Those moments alone makes me glad to take these chances with him, because if I can have that much pure joy with him in such a short amount a time it makes me wonder how happpy we would be if we had all of eternity to love like that. I love him. Nothing else matters and even if I can't keep him it was all worth it.
Miss M
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