Well Mr. Man is moving. That makes me feel so much better. I think its stupid where and who with but he' s going and I think that that's the important thing. The swirl and the mess of our drama was getting to be a bit much. It's a relief. He's moving to Ohio with his parents, and his sister and new brother-in-law are going to move too. They are all going to live together in one house. It the dumbest thing that the Contessa and Buttman could do when embarking in their new life together. I've lived with parents. Its nice when it is necessary when you have no choice but I would never do it if I could choose to otherwise. It's hard enough to establish who you are as a couple and even harder when your parents are down the hall or in my case walking in your room when ever they flipin feel like and acting shocked at what they might be walking in to. My ex mother in law was nutty. We'll just leave it at that. She could be an entire blog in and of its self. Anyway back to my original point.....
I also think Mr. Man is making a mistake in moving with his family. Not that he shouldn't move he should, just not with his parents. What he should do and the thing that would be the very best would be that he just move out on his own no matter where that is, here or anywhere else. I think Mr. Man would be much happier standing on his own and I think that in doing so it'd give him that missing piece to him that if he had it would almost make him perfect. He would be a real man, not just a scared boy trying and pretending to be one.
If he were the friend that we were when we first found each other I think I'd miss him more when he leaves but not now, not as much as I would have. I probably still will a little because I do love him, but love doesn't always mean you get to keep them. If that happened then life would be too perfect and it just doesn't happen that way for me. It's sad because now the only two men that I've ever loved are both gone. I didn't get to keep either of them. I'm sure its for the best and that I'm just not seeing the whole picture, that I don't have the perspective I need to make all of this easier.
I did something slightly stupid. I emailed Mr. Man. I didn't want him moving away from here thinking that everyone hated him. I wanted him to know that at least one person thought that he was something great. Sometimes that's all people need is to have someone else acknowldege their goodness before they believe it. My mom, who is never shy about telling me when I'm being a silly girl and who knows all that went on, read my saved draft of the email letter and said that it was good and that it may be just the thing that he needed to know before he left. So I feel a little less stupid. Also my goodest friend reassured me as well. He knows just about as much as my mom does. So I'm trusting their judgement on the situation. I just couldn't let him go with out knowing what it is he really did and what he was to me. He did more than he will ever realize.
Here's what I wrote to Mr: Man:
'Mr. Man'
I heard that you were going to be moving. I was going to let the time pass and not say anything but I felt it was necessary to tell you some of the things that are on my mind. I'm not sure if its for my benifit or yours but I felt it needful to share with you some things. I know that you probably stopped caring about what I think a long time ago and that this is probably the worst thing I could do, to be writing you, but it seems like the right thing to do.
I want to compliment you on the person that you are. I know that things are weird between us now but before all thats come since we dated, you and I were close. You came into to my life at a time when I needed a friend the most. I think that in that time and moment you were flawless. Your friendship was a breathe of fresh life that I desperatly needed. Every crisis I had and every moment of doubt you addressed with perfection. Even in the months since our breakup you had a delicacy with my tender insecurities that surpass any expectation anyone could have had and that no one else could have done for me as well as you did. There is an appreciation for you that I doubt that I could convey to you with any sort of accuracy but which seems to be the thing I want you to remember the most. I think that it is important to tell the people in your life who effect you profoundly that you appreciate them.
I won't pretend that I know you pefectly but this I think I know about you is that you strive to do the best that you know you can do. You push yourself and work dilligently to reach the goals that you've set. I also see that at times you can be very hard on yourself, and think that you've failed when things don't go as planned. I thought it important that you should know that someone thinks of you and sees in you many wonderful things. Sometimes in order to believe the good things about ourselves we have to hear them from someone else.
I'm sorry for the things that I may have done or said that were hurtful or unpleasant to you or your family. I hope that this move will be something wonderful for you as terrifying or difficult as it may or may not be. Change is always diffucult. I don't know whether you want to be my friend or not but you should know that you will always be mine. That if there is ever anything that you need that I will be ready and willing to help you in anyway I can. You are someone worth the effort and that my caring for or loving you doesn't mean that I want to keep you but that I want all the happiest and best things that life can give to be yours.
Thank you for all the happy an wonderful moments you've shared with me. I'm sorry to see you and your family leave here.
'Miss M'
So now that it's done its too late to take it back. I think I sent it too early though he isn't leaving until the end of July so I have the next month and a half to run into him in the hallways at church and feel awkward. I should have waited.
Eh.............
Oh well..........
I think I'm going to miss him, a little bit, maybe. I'm not sure yet. There's a calmness that comes over me knowing that he's leaving. We'll see if that's really how its going to be.
Miss M
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