I think I'm just a little high strung and stressed out. I think I've been really tired lately because I'm not dealing with the things I need to. I know that I put on a pretty good show for everyone that knows me but I'm basicly depressed and I'm tired because it takes a great deal of effort to pretend not to see what's in front of me. What really bugs is that there really isn't all that much that I should be depressed about. My life is pretty good. All the things I don't like about my life are fixable and changeable. I hate thinking about how pathetic and empty my life feels sometimes. I feel so shallow and useless. The things that I get upset about are childish and silly. I actually have some problems that could really use my attention but its easier to dwell on these stupid and superficial problems.
I made my cat sick. My cat Mickey has been having some health issues and is having some problems with the litter so I took him to the vet yesterday. The vet said he was healthy and fine doing pretty good and said that his potty problems were proobably behavioral and asked if anything was going on at home that might be upseting him. My cats tie into my emotions pretty well. Mickey especially worries about me he always stays close. It made me want to cry that Its more and likely my fault he's acting strange. My stupid meloncholy is making him sick. Its probably my inablity to face things and deal with them head on thats been making me sick as well. Reading the stuff I spew on here makes me nauseous. I can't believe some of the trivial and stupid things I go on and on about. Doesn't it make you sick too?
Grrr........
I'm really going to work hard on changing my attitude and my life. This is all getting so ridiculous. I mean Ex has been gone over a year and Mr. Man and I broke up in January. I should be over these things by now. Whats my problem? Good heavens! I just want to cry at the stupidest things. I feel so stupid. The littlest of things get me sooo upset and I work myself into these girly funks and I want to hide from the world. I really just want to go to sleep for a really long time and hide in my room for a good bit of time. Hopefully I'd reemerge a less stupid person and get over my self and my imaginary problems. I want to be just about anywhere but here. I hate it here, but I don't think it would be different. It would be the same everywhere beecause I would be the same because I haven't changed and I'm not changing. I'm just stagnating and I hate that. I hate feeling like this.
I used to be happy.
I remember being a happy person. I used to feel joy in all things. I had so much hope and gumption. I was fearless. Tenacious. I was a spitfire. People say I'm still all these things and I'm sure that for the most part I am, but at night I'm alone with myself. Alone with this sad, tired and heartbroken woman who feels like a child lost, wandering this gigantic world all by myself. I hate being alone. But the kindof man that I want wouldn't want the girl that I am right now. I'm not a good enough person solo so I won't be much use in a partnership. And that's what I wnat is a partnership and it wouldn't be fair of me to rely on someone else for my sole happiness. That has to come from with in before I'm much use to anyone else. But In the same breathe it would be so nice to have someone to lean on right now. Not just figuratively but actually lean on them. It would be nice to just sit close to someone and lay my head on their shoulder and close my eyes and breathe it all in and then cry it all out. To have someone else carry the load for awhile and deal with life for a bit while I gather my strength. It would be wonderful to have someone to care for again. I miss that I miss having another warm body laying next to me in the dark. Even though Ex was terrible there was comfort in knowing that when I reached out in the stillness that his warmth would be there and sometimes he was something good and he'd lift me up and protect me from the world, from myself. He saw in me something that no one else saw. I miss loving and being loved. I don't miss him. I sometimes miss Mr. Man. (Those sometime are getting farther and farther apart though.) No one else has ever made me feel so taken care of, respected and cherished as I felt when I was with him. Our relationship was flawless while we dated. It wasn't until until he decided he was done that it turned into something so heartwrenching. Which is the way it always goes I guess. I still don't know why he broke up and its basicly been a nightmare since.
I'm really getting sick of other people's decisions affected my life so dramaticlly. They make a unilateral stupid decision and I'm left with the consequences and they go off unscathed. I'm getting a little tired of cleaning up the mess that others have caused. It shouldn't be this complicated. Love is a simple thing. We, as people, are the idiots that make it complicated. It wasn't meant to be this hard.
Miss M
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