I really have no one thing I want to talk about or any completly complete thoughts. I've got alot of things on my mind..........
First off I am changing Internet Guy's nic name on here he will hence forth and forever be known to you as Tiger. Internet guy doesn't seem to fit him any more.
So yeah, ever since Tiger actually bought his plane ticket I've been hyped up on anticipation. I try not to think about it to much and keep everything in perspective. I want to stay in reality as much as possible. I'm finding out that that is a very difficult task. My daydreams are getting away from me and I get caught up into such interesting and beautiful thoughts when it comes to him. Its nice but I don't want those things to be in the back of my mind when he comes. I want to enjoy seeing him as is, nothing more, no unrealistic expectations. As much as I try to rebel against my girlie tendency I find myself curious about a life with him and I haven't even met him yet. Last night made me really wonder. Tiger has been tired on the phone with me before but he almost fell asleep on the phone last night. I liked hearing how his breathing changed and I couldn't help but wonder what he looked like falling asleep. How his hair would lay where he had is arms, if he slept on his tummy or side, with a teddy bear. :) I don't know these things and it would be interesting if I was ever privileged to know such things. Who knows I'm just wondering out loud. It doesn't really mean anything I don't think. At least I hope not at this point. Right now meeting him is all I want to handle, because you really can't know if more is what you want till you see them, touch them, watch them intereract in your world. Besides he's also my best friend, that should be enough. It is enough, it is, but sometimes the girl in me gets carried away a bit. They are nice thoughts but his friendship is the most important. I don't want to lose that so, Tiger, don't freak out when you read this. I'm just being a silly girl...................
I being realeased from my calling at church. I was in charge of the young single adults program for awhile. I'm glad I'm not giong to be doing it anymore. It wasn't a good situation. I'm curious about what my next calling is going to be though. I want new oppurtunities to serve. I'd kindof like to teach but I don't want to be in primary even though I love it there. I just think Relief Society is where I need to be, where I want to be. I like feeling grown up like I belong there. That wasn't always the case. I felt like all the ladies were just my moms friends but now they feel like my friends. I like the feeling of sisterhood in Relief Society.......................
I haven't kept you updated on my dad very well lately. For awhile though his cancer was in remission and I wasn't too worried about it but he's been having some stomach problems and when he went in for his scan they found out that the cancer is back and its bigger than it has ever been before. I thought that it was back a couple weeks before his scan but I didn't want to believe it. He had chemo the other week and it was really hard on him. I don't like seeing him sick and uncomfortable. I want him to live forever but I don't like the chemo. I couldn't ask him to stop though or eventhink about it because with chemo at least he has a chance to be around awhile and without it it wouldn't be long before he wasn't here anymore. I'm not ready for him to die yet. I've noticed that the sadness around death is really sortof selfish in a way, sortof. People including myself think about how much they'll miss them. I know for me I think about of really selfish things when it comes to my dads illness and I have alot of guilt about the past and the things that I took away from him. Like how he might not ever dance with me at my wedding or see my children because I was stupid so many years ago and screwed up. Now I might not have those special memories with him. Now he might pass away without ever meeting my husband the person he'll have to entrust with the care and loving of his only daughter. If I could ask for one thing before this illness is that my dad can see me seattled before he goes, if he has to go. I'd rather he didn't have to be sick or dying at all........................
First off I am changing Internet Guy's nic name on here he will hence forth and forever be known to you as Tiger. Internet guy doesn't seem to fit him any more.
So yeah, ever since Tiger actually bought his plane ticket I've been hyped up on anticipation. I try not to think about it to much and keep everything in perspective. I want to stay in reality as much as possible. I'm finding out that that is a very difficult task. My daydreams are getting away from me and I get caught up into such interesting and beautiful thoughts when it comes to him. Its nice but I don't want those things to be in the back of my mind when he comes. I want to enjoy seeing him as is, nothing more, no unrealistic expectations. As much as I try to rebel against my girlie tendency I find myself curious about a life with him and I haven't even met him yet. Last night made me really wonder. Tiger has been tired on the phone with me before but he almost fell asleep on the phone last night. I liked hearing how his breathing changed and I couldn't help but wonder what he looked like falling asleep. How his hair would lay where he had is arms, if he slept on his tummy or side, with a teddy bear. :) I don't know these things and it would be interesting if I was ever privileged to know such things. Who knows I'm just wondering out loud. It doesn't really mean anything I don't think. At least I hope not at this point. Right now meeting him is all I want to handle, because you really can't know if more is what you want till you see them, touch them, watch them intereract in your world. Besides he's also my best friend, that should be enough. It is enough, it is, but sometimes the girl in me gets carried away a bit. They are nice thoughts but his friendship is the most important. I don't want to lose that so, Tiger, don't freak out when you read this. I'm just being a silly girl...................
I being realeased from my calling at church. I was in charge of the young single adults program for awhile. I'm glad I'm not giong to be doing it anymore. It wasn't a good situation. I'm curious about what my next calling is going to be though. I want new oppurtunities to serve. I'd kindof like to teach but I don't want to be in primary even though I love it there. I just think Relief Society is where I need to be, where I want to be. I like feeling grown up like I belong there. That wasn't always the case. I felt like all the ladies were just my moms friends but now they feel like my friends. I like the feeling of sisterhood in Relief Society.......................
I haven't kept you updated on my dad very well lately. For awhile though his cancer was in remission and I wasn't too worried about it but he's been having some stomach problems and when he went in for his scan they found out that the cancer is back and its bigger than it has ever been before. I thought that it was back a couple weeks before his scan but I didn't want to believe it. He had chemo the other week and it was really hard on him. I don't like seeing him sick and uncomfortable. I want him to live forever but I don't like the chemo. I couldn't ask him to stop though or eventhink about it because with chemo at least he has a chance to be around awhile and without it it wouldn't be long before he wasn't here anymore. I'm not ready for him to die yet. I've noticed that the sadness around death is really sortof selfish in a way, sortof. People including myself think about how much they'll miss them. I know for me I think about of really selfish things when it comes to my dads illness and I have alot of guilt about the past and the things that I took away from him. Like how he might not ever dance with me at my wedding or see my children because I was stupid so many years ago and screwed up. Now I might not have those special memories with him. Now he might pass away without ever meeting my husband the person he'll have to entrust with the care and loving of his only daughter. If I could ask for one thing before this illness is that my dad can see me seattled before he goes, if he has to go. I'd rather he didn't have to be sick or dying at all........................
I have lots of other things on my mind but I can't seem to gather them in well enough to type them out. Its all a swirl, but for once I don't feel mixed up, I just feel preoccupied and antsy. I'm all squirmy I want to get up and go but I also just want to be still, breathe deeply, close my eyes and wait for the next big thing to happen.
I want it to be September.
Miss M
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