My best friend is coming. Internet guy finally bought his plane ticket and he’s going to be here in Illinois the second weekend of September. It causes me to take a moment to seriously reflect on the last year and all the things that brought me to this place in time. It’s been a rough year to say the least but I owe a lot of its surprising smoothness to this great friend of mine. Its amazing to me that a moment of desperation and an incredible act bravery (considering my circumstances) in a silly chat room brought me one of the most wonderful friends I have ever had.
I made the grievous mistake of comparing this great friend of mine to my ex, mostly in my head, because I wanted to deny the fact that I liked him and that he had become important to me more than I had anticipated. No man friend or otherwise was going to be allowed in my inner sanctum again. I had banished men from me and my heart in all their forms. He ever so gently managed to talk me toward the chink in the wall I had built around myself to listen to his idealistic whimsy and kind, unfettered laughter. Like water his delightful personality and kindness washed over my bitter and insecure self and began to wear away my wall, eroding it away so gently that I didn’t even know it was happening until it was too late and I was exposed. But I find myself standing in that position smiling, albeit feeling a bit like a turtle without its shell waiting to see if the person in front of me is friend or foe.
I’m not used to the things that he says and does and I’m baffled at how quickly I ramble myself into a weird mumbly corner every time he does or says something that catches me off guard. This is definitely different from what I am used to from men. I knew and with Ex all together for over four years and in all that time he bought me one gift I actually liked. Everything else I had to buy for myself because not only did he not know me well enough to pick something to my taste but he also usually forgot the days that nice things were traditional. Internet Guy sent me one care package and in that one little shoe box he set a new standard because it didn’t have just one thing it was filled with many things that were perfect and I didn’t even have to tell him. It wasn’t the stuff that impressed me but the fact that he was thoughtful enough and paid attention to me enough to know me. He is my best friend and that alone is amazing. It feels like a gift and miracle. I doubt that he has any idea that when I babble on so strangely after something nice he’s said that he’s just demolished some perception of myself or men that had been long standing in my psyche and it baffles me and I ramble on as I try to process it. He probably thinks I’m nuts, but a cute kind of nuts. :)
I hum when life is blissful. It drives the girls I hang out with nuts, but it’s true, I hum when I’m blissfully happy and wonderfully content and as terrifying as it is to admit, Internet Guy makes me this kind of happy. I’m not sure what’s going to happen between us when the smoke and mirrors of our never having met are gone but I do know that his friendship has been a pivotal part of my life. It has marked me and changed me in the most positive of ways. So when I’m wandering the delightfully whimsical paths of my day dreams and hum to myself know that I am humming his praise because him and his friendship that has made those paths beautiful again.
Miss M
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