Full Speed Ahead!!

Tiger bought my plan ticket a little bit ago. I signed the lease for his apartment on Friday and we have our rental car reserved. And we've done a million other little things to get ready for this move. Things are really starting to move now. The pace is defiantly starting to pick up. This is really happening I can hardly believe it. By the end of April he'll be here living here in the same state that I live in. I will get to see him as much as I feel like. I'll have someplace to go at night and someone to spend my time with. He'll finally be here for me to shower affection on, to love, to serve, to cherish and giggle with. I've known that this was happening that this is really coming true but now I feel it. The excitement thats permeating from the very core of me is filling my life and my world with the most beautiful glow of happiness and bliss. I'm not just excited for my trip or our upcoming time together in the car having whats sure to be the best road trip of my life but I'm excited for everything that comes with him. Tiger is going to be not only my boyfriend but my fiance, my husband, my lover, the father of my children and he's going to be my best friend for the rest of eternity. He wiggled his way into my heart, ruthlessly making me fall in love with him long before I realized that I was even ready to fall again. Tiger is different than any other man thats come before him because not only did he make me fall in love with him but he made sure that my delicate heart had a soft place to land. Tiger ever so gently reminded me of the woman I used to be before hurtful people damaged me. I was damaged to the point that I barely knew who I was and not only did his friendship remind me but it revived me. His friendship alone was wonderful but now I get to be loved by him too. I get to know what it is to be happy when you're with someone. I get to live a life free of heart ache. It won't be free of trials or hardships but I know that I will never again have any doubts that I am loved or ever have my heartbroken so severely by someone who loves me. Tiger won't ever hurt me like that. So....

FULL SPEED AHEAD!!!

Bring on the LOVE!!!!!!

Miss M

He's Moving!

April is coming.

Those words mean that he's going to be here next month. It feels like forever but when you count the weeks, the days its not really that much longer. Tiger doesn't know the exact weekend that he's going to move yet but he said April. Even if its the last day of April it isn't too long from now. Last week we added him to my phone plan. Tiger now has a local phone number for here. He shopped for cars this week too. He's still figuring out whats what with car buying but he's just about ready to buy one. Tiger only has a couple more things to do and then he's ready to move. I'm going to start shopping around for an apartment for him in the next couple of weeks. That should be fun. I liked doing that when ever I've moved. I liked seeing all the different layouts and what things look like inside all these different places. I want to have the apartment set up and furnished for him before he gets here so that all he has to do when he gets here is just go home and go to bed in his own place. I think he'll really like that. I want him to be happy.

It's going to be a completely different reality when Tiger lives here. I'm nervous a bit but it'll be good, really good. I hope that he's happy here. I'm sure he will be but I wonder sometimes how it'll be for him. Its all going to be so new and different. A whole other life he never knew existed before. It'll be hard more than likely to go through so much change but its going to be heaven. Its going to be wonderful to have real life with him. To witness and be involved with all the mediocre, everyday parts of each other's life. I've never had anyone feel like so much a part of my everyday life as Tiger has and he doesn't even live here yet. I wonder what its going to be like when he does. I guess I'll have to wait till April to find out. I'm on the edge of my seat. :)

Miss M

Heartache and Happiness

This month has been one of the very best and worst. I usually have one extreme or the other and bounce back and forth. Never before have I had the most glorious bliss and exquisite sadness occupy me at the same time. Things have been so crazy that I have two unfinished posts that I probably won't ever attempt to finish.

I left for Phoenix the last day of January and returned on the 7th of February, a Wednesday, and on Friday, early morning, my dad went to the Hospital. On Sunday, in the earliest and quietest part of the morning, he passed away 10 minutes after midnight. My family believes he was waiting for the Sabbath because that day of the week always meant so much to him.

So as you can see its been an eventful month. A Crappy but Heavenly month.

I bought a plane ticket at the beginning of January with every intention of surprising my fella for his birthday. It lasted as a secret for barely a couple weeks if that. I couldn't not tell him and once I did he was so giddy happy that I was very glad I told him. He ended up taking that whole week off from work so he could spend all that time with me. Every moment I spent with him was wonderful. I had probably one of the best weeks of my life thus far. I add the thus far only because with a man like Tiger loving me life can only get better. And it already has in so many ways but that week was perfect, blissful, like the sweetest tasting manna from God. A gift that is nourishing to mind soul and body that is meant to be eaten slow and savored. I'm accepting that this is my life. Before now I expected the worse and believed I deserved it. My friendship with Tiger has shattered every misconception I've had about my miserable life. As we've grown in our love He's continued to prove that my ill fated destiny was a sham and showed me how I deserve to be loved and treated. So although I doubt I deserve this I'm beginning to believe that this is what my life will be like, a singing on the hilltop sort of blissfulness mixed with the silliest funniest best sort of cartoon, and the most legendary long lasting happily ever after sort of fairytale and romantically superb love story. Some kind of pure undiluted knock you on your ass sort of love potion has taken over me and I'm seriously doubting if my head will ever clear this pink tinted love fog. I'm happy and that in its self is worth sneezing about.

I left my dad in a somewhat stable state of ill health when I went to Phoenix. I made my parents swear to keep me updated on Dad and his health. They swore but they lied. My dad morbidly joked with me before I left that if he died while I was gone that he'd have them stick him on ice and wait for me to get back. He didn't want to ruin my vacation. Its strange humor but it was very sweet in a dad sort of way. My eldest brother picked me up from the airport and on the way home he filled me in on everything that had been going on with Dad while I was gone. The details don't really matter but he had wanted to prepare me for what I was about to see. He had deteriorated so much since I'd left that he almost didn't look like the same person. His skin was yellow because the cancer had spread to his liver. Everything they fed him only feed the cancer none of the food was getting to the rest of his body. He'd lost a lot more weight and his cheeks had sunk in. His eyes looked different darker and deeper. It was very sad to see.

He told everyone that he was waiting for me that I was the last piece of the puzzle that he had to have before he left this life. The first thing he had me do was report on my vacation and on Tiger. He needed to know that we would be together. The last conversations I had with my father were about Tiger and I. On the way to the hospital he told me that Tiger had his permission to marry me. Before he unable to speak or understand anymore I told him that Tiger had said that he was grateful for his permission and that he was glad to know he had it. He wasn't able to form words anymore but he smiled at me knowingly, sweetly, lovingly. He'd heard what he wanted to hear from me. Later when my mom was going through the arrangements my dad made for himself before he died she read the obituary he'd written my name as Monica "Tiger's last name" because he assumed that we'd be married by the time he'd pass. My mom was remiss to correct it.

As a family we had a lot of really good moments. Special one of kind kind of moments that happen in the silence when a family has to face something grave together. I wonder sometimes what things that my mom and my brothers experienced during that sad stretch of time and what they continue to experience. What moments and memories do they keep sacred. This man shaped us into who we ultimately became. He pushed and drove of to excel as individuals. The love he shared with our mother that we witnessed everyday taught us what it was to have a marriage and a love that would last for eternity, and he treated it as such, a sacred and beautiful relationship that will extend beyond this life. They had so much fun and happiness together. They just liked to be together doing just about anything. They would still hold hands and would call each other a few times through out their days when work prevented them from being together. We definitely know where his loyalty and priorities are. To his wife and to his family.

Its still hard to believe that he isn't here anymore, at least not physically. I miss him. I miss him the most when I think about all the things I won't get to share with him in life, my wedding, my children, just my life. I'm scared of the things that I will have to do without him. Those things that I relied on him for; advice, comfort, a good laugh, guidance, so many things. I miss his quiet strength and his sense of humor. Mom didn't really approve of our sense of humor because she thought them slightly inappropriate. Our humor, his and mine, were so similar. We laughed a lot together while my mom would blush which would just make us laugh more.

Tiger bought a plane ticket the day he died. He left midnight Monday and got in really early in the morning on Tuesday. The weather was starting to get nasty and every flight out of Chicago after his was cancelled. He just barely got here. It was really wonderful of him to drop everything to be out here with me. He said he wouldn't have done it any other way that I needed him and this is where he needed to be. Dad's visitation, funeral and burial all happened on one day, Valentine's Day. Tiger was by my side through it all. I did pretty good I didn't lose it till we were grave side. My second oldest brother dedicated the grave and I look around at all the shivering people surrounded by the white beautiful snow and then look at the casket and it all became so real. More tangible than it had been previously and it got to me. I felt bad sitting by the grave quietly crying while my dessert boyfriend stood behind me holding my hands and shoulders and freezing his Arizona butt off, but I needed the moment and he wasn't going to go anywhere till I was ready. So we stayed there for what felt like forever but was really only a few minutes. For some reason the image of the portly funeral guy with his black flat cap and pea coat standing guard over my dad till we drove away is an image that just won't leave my mind. I think his name was Larry. I like Larry very much for some reason.

Tiger was suppose to leave Thursday but all the flights were overbooked so he wasn't able to leave till Saturday. It was so nice to see him again so soon. I hadn't even been home a week when he flew out here for the funeral. Usually its a few months between visits. So I had two weeks of heaven with him. It made it even harder to say goodbye. He's decided to get it together and try to move here as soon as possible because he doesn't like being away from me. Its getting harder and harder for us to be apart. He'll probably move here some time in April. I can hardly wait. It'll be so fantastic to be able to have him here to spend time with as much as possible. I'll be happy to get a daily dose of Tiger in my life. All the time we've spent together just proves the fact that we're suppose to be together. He's my best friend and the the greatest love of my life. Although this month, and really the last two years of my dads cancer, has been full of heartache and sadness, its been one of the happiest times of my life and like I said before I have a lifetime of bliss to look forward to with Tiger. I'm glad to know that Dad will be watching all of this happiness unfold and that he's up there now teaching my future children to be extra ornery but also preparing them for this life so that when its time for them to be a part of this life they'll be ready. They couldn't ask for a better teacher.

Miss M

Life in Transition

At the beginning of the month I bought a plane ticket to Phoenix so that I could surprise Tiger for his birthday. I've kept my trip a secret from him until a couple days ago when he guessed that I was coming. So now he knows and now he's giddy beyond giddy. He's very excited to have me come out there again. I leave January 31 and I'll be gone for a week. I'm really excited. This will be my last vacation for awhile at least. I probably won't be able to go again until after my dad dies. So I very much want to take advantage of his reasonable good health and see Tiger again before I can't anymore. The idea that I'll be coming back to basically help my dad finish his dying process is depressing. I think I'll need this time with Tiger to rejuvenate my energy so I'll be able to do all I'll need to do for my dad. Right now I don't have much left for anyone. I'm grumpy and tired all the time. I don't want to spend any time with my friends and I don't want to be around people I just want to hide in my room and talk to Tiger for a little bit before I fall asleep. Everyone else takes too much effort from me to deal with them right now and I don't like that. I shouldn't feel like my friends are irritating but they are for some reason. This trip is very important to me. I'm glad that Tiger knows now. Its fun to be giddy with him. Everything else seems so hard and he makes life seem so easy and carefree. He always seems to know what to say to me or when to be quiet and endure the insanity that is me. Tiger does a wonderful job of reassuring me and loving me.

Life is changing in so many different ways. Each transition affords new oppurtunities for growth and new undertanding of whats to be learned from this life. I feel like I'm in the middle of a huge transition from the life I'm familiar with to the life I deserve. Its kindof scary.


Miss M

This post was originally meant to be much longer but lots of things happened when I was writing it but I thought I would post it anyway even though to me it's unfinished. 3/22/07

The End is Near

My dad had an appointment with his doctor today. It didn't go very well. He's lost 14 pounds in the last two weeks. The chemo isn't very effective and they won't give it to him right now anyway because he's losing weight too fast. They're going to get him a feeding tube. He's now also on some seriously strong pain medicines in the form of a patch and a liquid. They hope to help with quality of life but that there is no hope for any sort of remission at this point.

How am I suppose to react to that? How does someone cope with that sort of news? Its not even happening to me directly so I can't even imagine what my dad is going through.

Miss M

Happy Crappy Anniversary

Today is the One year anniversary of the finalization of my divorce.

Happy Crappy Anniversary!!!

I'm not really sure how to go about celebrating something like this. It might seem weird but I do think this day deserves some sort of hoopla albeit a small personal one. I survived an awful marriage and a terrible divorce and I came through it stronger and happier then I ever thought I could be. My life has turned and twisted so much over the last year or so since all of this started. I come to this point in time with a new love and living and experiencing a relationship that is healthy and happy and wonderful. I also haven't been bothered by EX in quite some time which is a relief. I wonder if he even relizes or remembers the significance of this day. HE claimed to miss me and want me and love me so vehemently over so much of the last year but I doubt that he even thinks about me anymore and if he does I think the remembrance brings him some measure of misery. Hopefully he is tasting the misery and bitterness he so willfully inflicted on me over the last few years. It sounds cruel but I think that is half the battle of finding redemption for the misdeeds of our lives by personally living the pain we caused to some small degree. It brings an understanding of the things we inflicted on the people we claimed to love.

I am very pleased with the direction that my life has taken and the future that I am faced with now. If you had asked me a year ago I would have told you that my life would always be sadness and misery and that I was doomed to a sad and bitter fate forevermore. I thought that I would never recover from the damage and emotional turmoil that I had lived for so long. I'm sure if you asked Tiger he'd tell you that I still have a few issues leftover, but that they are nothing compared to what they once were. He has been a faithful and true friend trough most all of this. We met a few months after Ex and I seperated and has been wonderful and kind friend ever since. I never would of thought that he and I would ever want to start anything romantic, but I guess fate had another plan for us. Its been a marvelous change in an already great relationship.

So today is sortof sad but sortof happy. There are many ways to look at it, but overall I think I'm proud. Proud and Content. Proud that I was strong enought to overcome so much sadness and hard things. I'm content with the way my life is now and the direction I see it heading. Nothing will ever be so hard again because I know I can survive anything after coming through something like this. I feel so young in some ways but I mostly feel old. I feel old for having gone through so much at such a young and delicate age. This could have destroyed me and destroyed any happiness in the future but it didn't. It didn't because I didn't let it. So.....

Happy Crappy Anniversary!!! I conquered it and survived it.

Miss M

Holiday Joys and Misery

My whole family was together this holiday. Its a pretty big family especially when we're all together. I have four brothers and three of them are married and have a two or three kids each with one more on the way and including myself and my parents there's seventeen of us. I'm second to last in the line up and the only girl. That can be pretty tough on a girl. I can't even count the number of wet willies, wedgies fart bombs, and various other tortutres I've endured over the years. I've been locked outside, in the basement, and in my room. I've been punched, sat on, and tickled to the point of crying. I was never allowed to play anything the boys were playing because I was a girl and that was somehow a terrible thing. It was rough going sometimes but they've always loved me and stepped up and protected me when I needed them to and sometimes even when I didn't need them to.

Now that we're all grown up and moved away the times that we are all together are few. I get very excited to see everyone again and enjoy their company, but then the horde descends in mass and it becomes chaos in a blink. Its amazing how loud and crazy everything is when we're together. Kids laughing and crying and screaming. Brothers are talking crap and punching each other. Most of the time I'm able to stay under their radar but sometimes they set their sights on me and then I'm bullied or teased or pushed around. Especially now that I have a boyfriend they have even more foder to use to make fun of me and tease me with. Its hilarious how I'm a month from being 25 and I'm still on the defensive for wet willies and towel slaps on the hieney. It drives me nuts. I get so frustrated with them sometimes, but I wouldn't trade my big crazy family for anything. I love all the kids running around and the babies and I like my sister in laws. My brothers are just that, my brothers, and they will forever see me as a little kid. I will never grow up in their eyes. They will always try to tease and embarrass me and they will always protect me as much as they can. Everyone of them has a very definate opinion about my life. I definately know that I am loved in this family.

I'm a little nervous about Tiger meeting my family when they're all together. He comes from a pretty small family of 4. Him, his brother and his parents. His family is pretty calm for the most part too. It'll be pretty funny when He gets to finnally experience everything that I've been describing to him himself in person. Its a whole other experience. I don't think that Tiger will love how much my brothers tease but I think he'll probably get used to it pretty quick and maybe even join in someday. I hope he doesn't but he might. Maybe he'll be able to defend me quick wittedly and put them in their place. Now that would be really great.

There is some sadness that came with this holiday season this year. It might be the last Christmas that we're all together. Dad might not make it to another Christmas. Its a little bitter sweet. Its nice to have us together though. I like it even if I tell you I hate it. I hope that Dad will be here next year. Yesterday we were driving home from my brother's house where we'd all spent the holiday and my mom started to cry a little and Dad was telling us that he was in so much pain that moring that he was almost in tears. I just sit there and blink because I don't know what to say or think anymore. I can't do anything to make any of it better for anyone. I feel very helpless. Last night I had to get up and use the bathroom and I walked through the living room and see what I see everynight, my dad half asleep and uncomfortable on the couch. It hurts him to lay down and it hurts to sit for too long and he's in alot of pain. He's been sleeping in the living room for awhile now so this is a scene that I am used to seeing but its getting harder and harder to witness. There is no comfort I can give that would help him feel any better. Its terrible to see Dad go through this. When I woke up this morning for work Mom was laying on the couch across from him. She tries to keep him company at night.

Christmas this year was a joy and a misery. I'm not sure how else to describe it.

Miss M

Headache

Well the move is a no go. Needless to say I'm very disappointed. I'm more than disappointed. Disappointed doesn't begin to describe it. I feel very hurt. I know that its not a personal thing that the timing isn't right for him just yet and thats fine. Or at least it will be fine. I know its not personal but it feels that way. My insecurities wouldn't remain quiet on this one. Tiger said that he can come whenever he wants and he meant that to be a comforting thing but all I could think was, "If you can move whenever you want then how come you don't want to be with me? Why aren't I worth it to you yet?" We talked for a very long time the other night, but not much was said. At least not on my part. I didn't trust myself not to say something ridiculously hurtful because I was upset. The good thing that came out of this is that Tiger finally told his father his ultimate plan to move here. It was really hard on him to do that. His dad was very upset. I felt bad for being the catlyst in this world changing revalation. Everything will have to be different for him and his family and then my insecurities started screaming again, "I'm not worth all this trouble."

I'm a mess of insecurities angst and a little bit of anger. Mostly though I feel sad and helpless. My world feels like its falling apart and my family is embarking on what may possibly be the last holiday we will have in this life as a whole family. My dad isn't getting better. He's starting to go through his personal things and organizing it for us for when he's gone. He's doing alot of little things to tie off the loose ends of his life. Preparing stuff trying to make it easier on us. I'm not sure if its any easier but its nice.

There's just so much going on. I want one thing to be what I want it to be because nothing else can be. I want Tiger to be here. Its getting so much harder to say good bye to him especially if I'm having a bad day or feeling vulnerable. I miss him. I want him to be here to be who I need him to be and to be who he says he wants to be to me. All of these other things would be easier if he was here. I could relax a little having someone to sit with and lean against at the end of the day. He is a safe and soft place for me to land at night. I want him to see my life and understand it. I tell him about it but sometimes that just doesn't do it justice. He lives in a very happy and carefree world and I hate shaking it. I don't like how our lives are in such stark contrast sometimes. But thats the interesting thing about relationships is two completly different people finding and discovering that although their circumstances are very different they're essentially one person in two bodies who searched and then found each other. At least thats what it feels like for Tiger and I. I like having a different perspective to my own, one thats similar to the way that I already think I just hadn't thought about it that way. And he loves me and cares about me and he thinks about me not just about the situation that I am in like I do.

Over the last few days and talking to him more and more I see some wisdom in waiting for him to move. I still don't like it much but I'm okay. The conversations that Tiger and I have had the last few night have been really great. I'm still astounded at how well that he seems to be able to deal with me and comfort and guide me in such a gentle and calm way. I love the sweetness that Tiger gives me in our relationship. He's so tender in the way that he speaks to me and teases with me and even when he's frustrated with me he doesn't get cross or angry with me. I'm still in awe of the fact tha he loves me despite and because of all my wierdness and flaws.

This week started out as such a headache both figurativly and literally. I was sick all week and tired and unhappy because of his decision to not move just yet, but its okay now. It really is ok. I feel bad for thinking about him as a headache, but I was just so frustrated with having to deal with all this stuff I'm already dealing with and then to be faced with the reality of the fact that he isn't coming made the week that much harder. I think I made myself sick and the more I started to be okay with it the more I started to feel better.

One day, I hope its soon, Tiger will tell me when it is that he will come. I know he will know and tell me one day. Its just so hard not knowing when I'm going to see him again, knowing it may be quite bit of time yet till we are together. I'm trying really hard not to be selfish. Its turning out to be a very diffcult thing to do. Its still a headache sometimes but its worth the pain. I love him.

Miss M

On the Road Again.....

Yesterday I was talking to Captain Doofus at church and I talked to her about a crazy idea I'd been toying with. Tiger's been wanting to move here and the Captain and I have been wanting a roadtrip so I thought that her and I could drive to Phoenix to pick up Tiger and move him back here in my parents van. It would take us about a week to pull it off and I was wondering if the Captain was game and she was :)

Hehehe.

So I spent most of last night talking to Tiger about it, and he sortof likes the idea. But the clincher is the fact that if we decide to do this he'll have only about three weeks to get ready and pack, because Captains new semester of college starts on the 16th. Also if he decides to go ahead and move now he'd have to give his notice at work today. So he basically only has one day to think about this. When we hung up last night I think he was seriously considering doing this crazy scheme. I am soo nervous and excited for his final answer. It would make life such a dream if he were here. I have missed him so much and with things getting worse with my dad I really need him here. We talked about so many possibilities and scenarios. I really hope that he says yes. This is what life is about these pivotal moments that define us and he is on the brink of one of the greastest adventures of his life.

I remember the first time I moved away from home and cross country to Utah. I was driving down Interstate 80 in my green '78 Ford Fairmont feeling so exhilarated and independent. I was on my own and on the open road and headed to uncertainty but I was doing it. No one could stop me and I was determined to show the world and my family what I was made of. I was ready to give 'em hell or die trying. I was Inivincible and I was free. I was 19 years old and clueless. Utah totally kicked my ass. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but man it was fun. Everything basically sucked and I was far from home but I learned who I was and what I was made of and I had a blast in the mean time. I can't remember a happier or more miserable time. I loved it. It was awesome. I loved that feeling I had when I was driving towards my destiny towards the "grown up" world. I told my mom I needed room to make my mistakes and I left and never looked back or thought twice. I loved my adventure. It was amazing.

I want Tiger to have the same sortof adventure. His is even cooler than mine was. He's the oldest and he's paving the way for his little brother. He's showing his parents that they raised him well and he's ready to conquer the world. He is coming to Illinois to claim his lady love and start an amazing and blissful life together. He is doing this for love, he is doing this for himself, he is doing this to shake up his world and show himself and his family what he's really made of. I would be so proud of him if decided to do this thing so bold and daring. I know he would get here eventually but if he comes now he'd be taking that first major step of breaking his preconvceived notion of who he thinks he is and becoming who he's really meant to be and who he really is. Doing it later would almost be too safe and easy. It would make it too comfortable. Not that that would be a bad thing it just makes it a safe thing. It almost takes the fun out of it. But like I told him last night I want him here however I can get him here and I it doesn't matter all that much how he goes about it but this just feels like such an adventure. It would make our love story almost epic. What a story to tell our future generations. How grand it would be just to have him here with me and be together. It would be so wonderful.

A part of me just wants to be on the road again. To feel that feeling again to feel that freedom and that rush of an adveture beginning. I want to be with him and I want us to experience this together.

How exciting! Just the thought that this might happen is exhilarating!

On the road again........

What a grand adventure it would be.

Miss M

Grumpy-ness and What-not

The other night Tiger and I grumpt at each other. We weren't really mad at each other, but we took it out on each other. Which sounds awful but we don't yell or anything so it wasn't bad per see just an icky mood between us. My friends have been giving me real hard time, and my dad is getting sicker and sicker. Tiger's family had some pretty uncomfortable moments and angst between them. None of which Tiger was really involved with except to be present and try to mediate. So you see we weren't really upset at each other just buggered by our icky situations. I didn't make anything better either. When I'm in a bad mood and all I get to do is talk to him on the phone it makes me grumpier because it reminds me that he's far away. Its hard enough that he's far away but when I'm unhappy I want nothing more than to sit next to him and lay my head on his chest and just be with him and I can't. It makes it worse because I can't do that and I miss him that much more. Things were ok when we fell asleep but not as okay As I would've liked them to be. But I talked to him a bit the next afternoon and some how through the magic that is us everything felt wonderful again after a few minutes of talking. I felt much better once I really talked to him. He is such a safe harbor for me. I don't know how I would be able to deal with all that I have to deal with with out him. I kindof liked that I got to see a grumpier side of him. It's nice to know that he's normal and not so perfect as he appears to be. Tiger feels too good to be true sometimes. He always seems to have it together and I always seem to be falling apart or having some sortof crisis or issue. He deals with me quite superbly and is always able to restore calm and rationality inside this screwed up head of mine. I sure do love him.

Tiger's was sick for few days. He's feeling much better now, but I wished I could've taken care of him. Made him soup or what not. Pat his hair and kiss his forehead. Basically just loved him better.

Sometimes I feel like we're just a little stuck in our relationship because of the distance between us. He might not feel stuck but I do. Maybe stuck is the wrong word. I think its wrong but I'm not really sure of what the word is. I want to move things along but I can't and he won't quite yet. He will eventually I 'm pretty sure. He's said that he will more than likely move. I think I believe him. No. I do believe him that he'll move here eventually. I understand that its not a light or easy thing to do to leave everything that's familiar his family, his home, his work, his life his everything. I question if I'm really worth it. If I'll be a good payoff for leaving everything behind to be with. I think about all the things that would have to change and all the big decisions that would have to be made to make this happen. Tiger doesn't' t know to even think about these things and I feel pushy mentioning it to him, but he needs to think it through. I want him to know and be aware of everything that he can be because I don't want him to feel duped into moving. I feel strange about it all. It feels desperate that I want him to be here so bad. I should be more independent than this. I should be standing on my own with dealing with all of this and I'm not and that scares me a little bit. I know that I am with someone great to be trusting him this much. I don't think I could find anyone better than Tiger to be able to do so much for me and love me this much. But I'm still scared. Scared that I'll screw it up. In a way I'm still battling what I was, who I used to be. The old me would have broken up with him a long time ago. I wouldn't of let myself be this happy because I felt as if I was undeserving. Which is especially true of Tiger because he is better than any other man that I have ever met and he has the potential to be an even more extrodinary man than I realize. He fits with me so perfectly and that scares me because it means something and it requires something of me. I know I have it in me to love but it is very hard to allow someone to love me back. The potential of our relationship seems so unreal. I'm afraid that I can't live up to it and that I'll not ever be fully deserving of it.

He needs to move here. I want this dream to be real. I want to see it happening everyday and it remaining consistent even in "reality". I want more than conversations on the verge of dreamland and sleep. I want more than weekends of perfection and rapture. I want to know that this is actually what it'll be, what it feels like it is. I want to know that this can survive life. To feel more secure and feel reassured that this really is happening to me. Me. This stuff happens to other girls to those perfect and beautiful girls who alway have everything go right for them. Not me. I'm a mess. I'm chubby and clumsy. I'm silly and weird. I have oddness out the whaazooo. I have so much baggage from all of what my life was before he wandered into my life. There is so much that he still doesn't know about me and sometimes I hold my breath and wait for him to discover the truth. I think he knows me better than I realize. I think he knows what I am at the core and that all this stuff is just a temporary barrier to getting to me at my essence. I'm still terrified though. I keep telling myself that I know better and that what I feel is how it really is. I need to believe that my heart and my intuition speak truth and that Tiger is really what I believe him to be.

I miss him. I miss him more everyday and the longer we're apart the more it hurts. I ache to be in his presence. I worked so hard on my defenses. I hurt for no one I ached for no man. Now look at me. I'm in love and I feel like I've almost lost all sense. I've become a silly girl. I think I like being a silly girl as scary as that is. My goodness am I done for. I am so smitten.

Oh well :)

I love him and what-not.

There aren't any good words to describe the mixture of bliss and angst I feel when it comes to this man in my life, but I wouldn't trade it or change it for anything. He's perfect for me.

Miss M

I Never Want to Leave Him

My weekend in Phoenix was fantastic. It was the heaven that I predicted it would be. This thing with Tiger just keeps getting more and more wonderful. I never thought I could be this happy or could ever deserve someone as fantastic as he is. Everyday I fall for him more and more and my smile gets bigger and bigger. Everything I learn about him I love. I loved being with him. I want to be with him always. Those few days that we spent were marvelous. I couldn't've asked for anything better. We didn't even do anything all that spectacular, but we had a great time. We basicly just hung around together. We watched movies together and went out to dinner. We spent time with his family visiting and chatting. We went greocery shopping together and went to a museum. A double date with his hilarious brother. We had so much of fun and laughed so much. The funest stuff was cooking together, falling asleep together and waking him up in the morning. Those things were the best. I liked walking out to where he was sleeping in the living room sitting onthe floor next to him and rubbing his back until he started to stir. He would smile at me lazily with his eyes closed and cuddle up to my legs and pretend to fall asleep again so I wouldn't stop touching his back. I'd kiss his cheek and continue to rouse him sweetly. It was nice. It was more than nice. It was wonderful. It was blissful. There werea couple nights where we'd be sitting together talking and laughing and playing video games and the next moment I'd be waking up with him next to me. Inappropriate I'm sure but it was innocent enough and sweet. We just didn't want to seperate. We wanted to get us much time in together as we could so we would talk till we were exhausted. I loved every minute of it. We woke up late the morning I was to fly out and I missed my flight. I had to take one that was a couple hours later. I was glad to miss my flight though. It gave me a more time to be with Tiger. It was one of the hardest things for me to walk away from him. I was crying a bit as I went through security. I think that's way they frisked me and searched my bags. I didn't mind though they did it to alot of people. I just felt silly for crying in front of all those people. He hadn't even been gone for 10 minutes and I missed him so much. It was awful. But we talked and text messaged through out the day and I started to feel a little better. I miss him. I hated having to walk away from him. He looked so sad when I looked back at him. I wanted to run back and hug him and tell him "Forget it I'm staying here. We'll figure it out." If it weren't for the fact that all my clothes were already on the plan I probably would have stayed. Sounds a bit drastic I know but thats just the way that I am, impulsive and dramatic.

Even though we're far away from each other we're still so happy. Things are so wonderful. talking on the phone and texting is about all we're able to do but its such fun. I'll take what I can get and we'll patient till we can both get it together enough to close the distance and live close to each other. I look forward to having everyday life be as great as I know it will be. Even if its half as wonderful as our weekends have been it would be fantastic and worth all of the waiting, all the tears (mostly all mine) and all of the toughness that comes from being in a long distance relationship. When I first met Tiger and we were just friends I thought to myself that I could never fall for him, for several reasons, but one of the biggest ones was how far away from the other we were. I never wanted to do that to myself. I figured I wasn't up for that, that would just be way too hard. But then My just friend became my best friend. Even though we only talked on the phone and on the internet he became the one I wanted to spend my time with. Nobody else could cut it. The more he was my friend the more I learned about him the more I cared. I tried so hard to convince myself that he was nothing more than a friend. In September when he came here and he walked toward me at the airport I knew, I knew I loved him. I'd loved him for so long that I didn't even know how or when it had happened. From that moment I never wanted to leave him. He became home. I miss him. Its as hard as I thought it would be to be in a long distance realtionship, maybe even a little harder than I thought it would be but I don't care. I can't, I wouldn't and I won't take it back now. He's too important. He's too much a part of me now. I'm not sure of when I'll be with him again. I don't know whats going to happen next. All I know is our intentions toward the other. We're in love and one day we'll be each others forever. The how and the when and the whatever is still up in the air but we both want this to end up in the temple, because I know that I couldn't settle for anything less than eternity with him. Sometimes even eternity doesn't seem like its long enough to satisfy and I know he feels the same.

I never want to leave him.

Miss M

Heaven Begins Tomorrow

I leave tomorrow for Phoenix. I'm starting to get anxious, but its a good sortof anxious. Today marks two months that we've been together as a couple. I never would've thought that Tiger and I were going to be together like this. When I met him all I wanted was someone to talk to. I wanted nothing more from him than that, but as the months past and I healed I began to see him differently and the more I learned about him the more I began to love him. First as a friend then as a dear and treasured friend and then I started to see the possiblity that I had been blind to him all this time. I wanted to deny the fact that I was falling for him. I started to need and want him like I have never wanted anyone before. I prayed that he could see me as something more than a friend and that he would desire to be with me. I realized when he was here in september that he had done the same thing. Fallen in love with me over time and that he knew he could love me long before I wanted him to.

I'm excited to see Tiger. I've missed him so much since he left and it feels like so many things have changed since we started this. Our relationship seems to have found good and sturdy footing as we've talked over these last couple of months. I never thought love could be like this. I didn't know that I could be in a relationship that would be so perfect and make me so happy. I am blissful just being able to talk to him to listen to him tell me what he wants our future together to be like. I see in him my life's happinesses and that he will be there for me like no other. I never thought I could fit with someone as perfectly as I do with him. I'm in love.

I'm sure this weekend will be nothing too fantastic in what we'll be doing whatever activities or whatnot we decide to do but the joy we'll have just spending the time together is what will make this weekend heaven. I'm nervous and anxious, excited and giddy. I go to see my love tomorrow and he's very eager to see me, to spend time with me and to love on me.

I love being loved like this.

Miss M

No Secrets

Everyone has a secret. However small or big everyone has one. I have many. Along with my own secrets I keep many secrets for other people. There is one person in this world who knows the most about me and my Secrets and thats Tiger. My family knows my secrets because they have my history but Tiger has the secrets of mine that even my family doesn't know. I like that I can trust him that much. He keeps them safe and he keeps them between us.

I've been waiting patiently for Tiger's secret. I knew he had to have one. I knew that it was something somewhat big and something that he was unsure if he should tell me. I knew he would tell me someday that it was just a matter of time. I don't think he's ever had to tell his secrets before. So I've been patiently waiting. In the afternoon yesterday I got the feeling that he would tell me that day sometime. I still wasn't exactly sure what it would be but I had a general idea the sortof secret it would be. I knew without knowing some how. Later that night when we talked it flowed out of his mouth like water. It wasn't so bad. I think he was worried how I would react. Its a not so big, really big deal. I'm not too worried about it. Its fixable and manageable. The thing that I liked was how we are able to communicate. I love the way we can talk to each other. We are so open about everything. Its feels like it has always been this way that saying it out loud sometimes is rudundent because we already knew with out speaking it. Nothing is taboo with him and he listens to everything I have to say. He remembers what I say.

I don't mind his secret. I'm glad that he finally trusted me enough to tell me.

We talked until 4 in the morning. About all sortof things and I loved every minute of it and I hated that I had to fall asleep. He hates to hang up too. Tiger loves to listen to me fall asleep. I do it quite frequently because we talk so late at night. Apparently I make a little noise in my sleep. Tiger calls it my cooing. He says its adorable. He thinks that I'm adorable. I love falling asleep with him on the phone and I'm excited to one day fall asleep with him in person. Its a daydream we talk about often about how nice it would be after we're married to just lay together and fall asleep in each others arms and not on a phone. How sweet and delightful it would be to be like that. I feel as if I miss it, but how can I miss something I've never had?

I like that we've reached this point together. I feel like our reltaionship is becoming strong and unshakeable. I feel that its strength comes from our long friendship and that this romance was inevitable. That we couldn't have stopped it if we wanted to. I like that there's no secrets anymore. Everything that's left is us just getting to know the other that the things we don't know aren't secrets but discoveries yet to be uncover.

Miss M

Cancer Makes Me Cry

I would never claim to be an expert on cancer. I know very little about it which bugs me a little because my dad has cancer. I should know more but I don't. I don't know how it works or why it grows so fast or the mortality rates or success rates. I'm not even sure of what type exactly my dad has. What I do know is cancer makes me cry. I know what its doing to my family. I see what its doing to my dad. I hear it through the floor when he's up all night being sick. I hear in the sobs of my mother whenever we are alone together. I know that it is a menacing, dark and scary thing. Just saying the word, cancer, makes people cringe. I don't know much about it but I know these things. I know that everyday it may be killing my dad just little more than it was the day before. I know that its a tricky and devious thing. You believe that its gone when very smart doctors and learned people are saying "remission" and you start to breath again and then out of no where you realize its back because you can just feel it. Cancer has a feeling to it. At least it does to me. The feeling of it permeates every corner of my house and I hate it. I hate it because it feels like its stolen something from our home. Our home was always so happy there was such Joy there. Lots of laughter, lots of hugs, lots of being close to one another, lots of smiles. So much of that feels lost. Some times our happiness now feels like its borrowed from another time, another existance, taken from people we used to know. When our family is together and we are having the good times we always have had and the laughter slows and we breath in, I look around and wonder if this is the last time. I wonder if this will be the last happy moment before the terrible cancer catches up to us, to him.

I went to my dad's oncology office today. I usually avoid that place as much as possible because the feel of it gets to me sometimes. It takes me awhile to shake off the ick feeling that I pick up there. But today my day wanted me to help him thank his doctor and his nurses for being so nice to him. I'm a massage therapist so I took my little massage chair and set up in one of the rooms and massaged the staff. I was happy to give some service to the people that are trying very hard to keep our dad with us, with me. On the drive over there I looked over at my dad and I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry for all the things I haven't said yet, for all the memories he'll miss, because of all the love I have for him. I hate seeing what this cancer has done to him. I admire him so much for how well he's dealt with this cancer. He has always been a great man in my eyes and I am not sure if I would conduct myself as well as he if I were in the same situation. Not only have I seen that my dad is even more deserving of all my admiration but he is loved by so many people. More people than I thought one person could know and they love him. They weep for him. They hug him and they pray for him. They are just as honored to have met him as my family feels blessed to belong to him. My father is truly a great man. I hate that this is happening to him, to us.

There is so much that I want to tell my dad, but I'm afraid that if I tell him these things then I must be telling him goodbye. I'm not ready for goodbye but I don't want to let this oppurtunity pass I don' t want him going from this world to the next with out saying I'm sorry. I want to tell him I'm sorry for all the poor decisions that I made and for the things that I stole from him when I left home and left him out and when I was married without him. I want to say I'm sorry for making him ashamed of me when I became a "slut", for making him worry and pray over his lost and angry daughter. Sorry isn't a good enough word to describe the remorse and sorrow I feel over the past and the pain that I caused him and my mom. I want him to believe in me have faith in me and know that I will be okay. I remember now all the things he's taught me that he thought I forgot. That I am becoming the woman that he always wanted me to be. I want him to be proud of me. I love my father. I have always been his little girl. So much of who I am and who I want to be is wrapped up in his existence. I'm afraid that if he's not here I'll not be the same. I'm afraid of what it'll do to my mom and if it will destroy her if he's gone or change her into a woman she was never meant to be. I think it'll be hard for her to recover from that kind of loss. He is her whole world.

I don't know much about cancer.

But I know that cancer makes me cry.

Miss M

Wake Up Calls

Tigers new fun thing to do is to call me around the same time that my alram goes off in the morning. It was so surprising the first time he did it. It was a wonderful surprise. He even set an alarm for himself to makes sure he was able to wakew me up. Its really earlyin the moring for him I wake up about 10 mintutes to 7 a.m. everyday and that makes it 10 minutes to 5 a.m. his time. It means alot tha he makes that kind of effort just to talk to me. I like that he's the last person I talk to at night and the first person I talk to when I wake up. I love that my world is filled with him. Even though he lives so far away I feel his presence in my life. The other night I had to stop at the store and he'd wanted me to call so I'm chatting with him as I'm wandering around Wal-Mart. I'm talking about silly stuff what I'm looking at, making him help me pick out stuff. I told him how silly I felt because I had been wondering if he needed me to pick him up anything and then realizing I wasn't going home to him and had no way to get anything to him. It made me laugh. The neat thing happened in the cold and flu aisle and I was wondering which vitimin c thing to get and talking with him about it and he said something about how wonderful it would be to be married to me. That this must be what everyday would feel like and that it felt great and he wanted it. I told him I'd be even more fun with him there in the store with me in person. He started giggling but I won't divulge to you what it was he was thinking ;) It sounded fun though. I am so honored to be with this man. Everything is so much better because he's there. I never thought I could be this happy again. I am so in love with him.

Miss M

Tiger Lovin'

Thirty-two more days till I get to see him again. Life has been so amazing. I am in awe of this thing that Tiger and I have started. I am so in love I can barely breath. It is almost inexplicable the feelings that seem to have taken over me and permeated themselves into every facet and moment of my life. The most amazing part is how it doesn't seem to bother me. I'm perfectly content with our relationship. I have found all the things I've been looking for, longing for and praying for, for such a long time. I have found them in him and because of him I'm becoming more and more like the woman I always wanted to be. I would ask for nothing more out of this life then for us to be together. How sublime it would be to be able to keep such a wonderful man in my life. I'm thrilled and elated that he finds in me a woman that he loves that I am the person that he wants. I am the person that he longs for and misses I am the person that he loves and cares for. He want to listen to me talk because his is enrapturted by the sound of my voice. To him I am beauty and love. He loves the parts of me that I hate and he cherishes me in a way that I never known before. Me. I am that woman. I am all of these things to him.

I am loved.

Miss M

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Snippets of Love

Tiger works second shift and I work during the day so we can't really talk to each other until very late at night. The closest we get to talking to each other through the day is text messaging. Its not much just a sentence or two whenever either of us gets a free moment. I'm hooked on them now. I think I would go nuts if I didn't get them a hundred times a day. He puts so much in those few words. I see his face when I read them and I picture in my head the way his face and mouth would be moving if he was saying those same things in person. That imagining makes those text messages even better. I get to have him with me all day. Its not enough I want him with me for real but this'll do. I like these little snippets of love. Sometimes if you piece them all together its just like a love letter. Its him telling me he loves me or misses me or reassuring me when I fear and doubt or him just being silly and sweet and wonderful.

I love him. I can't stop and I don't want to.

Yesterday we talked about being married and how wonderful it would be to be together like that. I like daydreaming together with him like that. Everything he says is perfect like he's inside me and picking out all the deepest desires I have to say back to me but the amazing thing is he's not saying them for my sake. He says these beautiful things because its what he wants. I feel like I'm getting too wrapped up in him. I'm still waiting for the sky to fall in on me. I don't trust that this is going to last. I want it to. I want nothing more than to keep him, But I feel like I don't deserve this much happiness, like something is waiting just out of sight to mess this all up. It'll probably be me or maybe he'll get scared. I dunno. I dunno what's going to happen and I have no control over any of it and that scares me. Its up to him what will happen next and how soon. I hope its soon and not just because I'm impatient for the things that I want, there's more to it than that. A lot is going on for me and my family right now. My dad isn't getting any better. In fact it feels like he's getting worse. He looks worse. He sleeps more. He doesn't even have the energy to get grumpy anymore. The chemo made him grumpy. I want him to be there if Tiger and I were to decide to get married. He needs to be there. It would be good for my mom to have something happy to focus on instead of my dad. She's already planning stuff in her head and looking at dresses online. It seems to make her happy and for a little while she doesn't look so sad and stressed. That's why I don't tell her to stop. It would also bring all the family together with my dad before anything would happen. One of the other big things is it would be very hard to plan a happy wedding post funeral if anything were to happen with dad. I hate thinking about these things but I do. I don't want to tell Tiger these things either because I don't want him to think I'm pressuring him or manipulating him. He knows now though because he reads this. I want him to have no worries though. I just think about these things sometimes because that's what I do. I worry even before there's anything to worry about. I worry knowing that everything will be okay but I still worry. Everything will work out the way its suppose to in the right moment and the right time. I shouldn't even be talking about all this. This is a happy time. I'm beginning something wonderful with my best friend and I don't want to rush anything. I want to drink it all in and savor it because I have never been loved like this and I want to remember how it feels.

I can't take the smile off my face he makes me so happy. I like believing that we'll be together eternally in the end but I'll be patient and wait for this love story to unfold like its meant to with out me meddling with it and possibly mucking it up. I'm trusting him with my heart which would normally terrify me but he seems to have very capable hands. I feel cherished and respected and that is the greatest thing in the world. I like all this. I like living my days with my little snippets of love from him in our texting. Its enough. Everything else will come in time if its meant to. He loves me and that's fantastic. I'm enjoying being loved.

Miss M

Phoenix Here I Come

Well he bought my plane ticket on Sunday. I leave for Phoenix November 9th. I'm very excited. It almost doesn't seem soon enough. I miss Tiger a great deal. We of course still talk everyday. Its a bit of a tease because we can't see each other but I wouldn't give it up I'm hooked on him now. I have to have my Tiger fix. I like all the things we talk about, about the Future about us. It delightful. I think I'm getting a little too excited thinking about the "M" word so I do my best to keep it in perspective. Marriage is a big step, one that neither of us needs to rush into too quickly. My brain says that, but my heart and my body sometimes says screw that, lets get a move on. The recurring topic we seem to land on is how nice it would be to just fall asleep in the same place, in the same bed. Not in a dirty way but in an actully sleeping way. It would be really nice to have him next to me, or to know that he'd be joining me in our bed shortly. How sublime it would be to wake up together. I'm always falling asleep on the phone. He listens to me mumbilng and sometimes snoring. He seems to think its adorable but I'm a little bit embarrassed by it but it still doesn't get me off the phone any sooner. I feel safe and secure with him and that is a big deal for me. I really like feeling that with him. I trust him. I like knowing someone is there when I'm drifting in and out of this world. I think I say silly things in my sleep because sometimes I dream he's laughing. I love his laugh. It tickles my ears to hear and makes me smile even more than I already am.

I'm only slightly nervous to meet his family. I think its going to be fun more than anything else. They sound like my kind of people. I'm more anxious to get to him. I'm a bit afraid I'll half attack him at the airport when he picks me up. I want to get my arms around him and hold him and breath him in. I picture our meeting again in my head like some cheesy old movie where we see each other across the way and we're half running and shouting each others name and trying to push our way through the crowd at the airport in our rush to get to each other. Then our bodies will collide in this massive hug and lips and hands are all over trying to get get even closer than we already are. Its kindof silly and really cheesy, I know, but it makes me chuckle so I like to picture it this way even though I'm pretty sure it'll be alot like last time but adding in a nice solid hug and probably a kiss or two or three :) . It'll be good however it goes. I'm excited to get going. I want to start packing now so I don't forget anything. And I think the only thing stopping me from doing that is the fact that I'd have to be naked in the mean time while my clothes are waiting in a suitcase for November. I'm just a wee bit excited if you can't tell. I love being in love and what I love even more is being loved. I have never been loved like this before. I am over the moon elated at the fact that I'm loved and that I get to love him. I hope Tigers ready for me because Phoenix here I come........in 42 days. :)

Miss M

Doubts and Daydreams

He loves me. He told me that he did. I almost didn't believe him. I didn't even say it back right away. I think I said 'thank you'. How horrible is that?! He says 'I love you' and I say 'thank you'. I feel terrible. I also feel nervous. I miss him terribly. I can hardly wait to see him again. He might even help me get a plane ticket so we can see each other in November. Even November feels too far away.

He's been home barley a week and we've been talking a little bit about the future. I call them our hypotheticals. Wouldn't it be nice sortof stuff. Its been really wonderful to talk about these things. I like thinking about our future together and how wonderful it'll enevitable turn out to be, but then as they always do my friends and my family start piping in on everything. He hadn't even been gone a half an hour when my mom started talking about veils and how pretty I would be. I like talking about this stuff with him when its just us and its seems so dreamy and far away in one day world. But my friends are already taking bets on when he's going to propose and picking our wedding date and then it feels wrong. Like we're skipping a step. On top of this I'm so tired half the time and I just haven't been feeling right. I feel my old issues rising up in me again. My self doubt, my low self esteem. I don't feel like I deserve this and then when I talk to him last night Tiger brings up something that he has every right to bring up and I'm done for. I lost it. I had a spaz out freak out moment. I feel terrible. I'd been doing so good at keeping things in percepective and letting things come to me slowly and it all fell apart. I'm used to my weirdness but I don't think Tiger is. I'm worried I may have scared him, made him doubt why he likes me. I'm having a harder time dealing with all of this than I thought. Not with him, I love him but I'm having a hard time dealing with all the different opinions coming at me. I feel like I'm being swept up and I want to keep my feet firmly planted on reality. I want to stay in this moment and not get ahead of myself. We've been dating for a week and a half and my friends are telling me to think about wedding dresses and my brother is talking about the food at our reception and then Tiger has me day dreaming with him about kids and dream houses, hand holding and wedding rings. I didn't mind so much talking about these things with Tiger, but I think that these dreams are more real to me than they are to him. I think that he's talking about these things seriously with me but I also think he's enjoying the novelty and newness of all of this. He's never felt like this before. I on the other not only have been in love before but these dreams used to be a reality to me I was married and I was trying to have children. There was a time in my life when it was nothing but happy dreaming and then it was taken from me. Every happy dream I'd ever had I had to watch shatter and splinter and break. Every ounce of love I had had was perverted and distorted to the point that I was unable to see reality. I was abused and used up and left by myself to wallow in the misery of lost dreams. I've lived this dreaming before and it was terrible to watch it dissolve awy and this time, this time is so different and yet so similar. The day dreaming that Tiger and I have been doing, what little we've done, is so much more real and so much more wonderful than the dreams I had before. Its more potent and powerful because Tiger actually does care about me and he's incapable lying. He has no agenda. Tiger suits me in a way that Ex could never dream of fitting with me. He suits me and fits me because he is my best friend, and now everything is changing. If I lose this if I screw this up whats going to happen to me? Will it be even more terrible than it was the first time around?

I want to take the risk. Love is worth the risk and the heart ache, but I can't be freaking out on him all the time. I need to fix this so things can work out naturally regardless of if we marry or not. If it flows naturally with out our messing with it I think it'll hurt less. So I propose to him that we change a little bit how we talk to each other. Not so much for his sake but for my sanity. Daydreaming is well and good but if we talk about the future I want it to be more down to business than the rambling on hypotheticals we've been doing. There are certain things and questions that he'll need the answers to andI'm all for it, those things are important but I want us to keep a close eye on it so it doesn't get out of hand. I think that at least until we are more certain of the future we both want from each other we should be careful not to be caught up in fantasy. That if we want to be lovey dovey and mushy mushy with each other that we should talk about the shared experiences we already have. We had and amazing and wonderful weekend together and we could talk about that forever and then add to it the more we see each other. We can get excited about the things that are coming up for us in the short term. Like the trip I might take in November. Thats all based on real stuff and we aren't getting too far ahead of ourselves. I think I'll be able to handle this much better doing it this way. As well as reigning in my friends and family and telling to stop planning this for us and that we'll figure it out ourselves in a way that is best for us.

I want this to stay happy. I don't want things to get to complicated. I want this to work and I want to be able to keep my best friend. Life will be easy to live with him by my side. I think the thing that will help us the most is if he gets his patriarchial blessing. It'll help him figure out the best road for him to take before he gets too much farther into this. It'd probably answer so many of the questions he has right now. I know its okay to love him because I have mine and he fits in so perfectly into what it says. I guess I would feel better if we knew if I fit into what it is that Heavenly Father wants for him.

In the mean time I can't wait to see him again. I miss my friend. I loved spending time with him in person. It seems so much easier to doubt things when we are so far apart. In person, with him next to me, there was no fear. It felt as natural as could be like he'd been in my arms forever. I want him to know I love him and that I often think about our last night together here in Illinois. How happy I was to sit with him by the river and have him hold my hands as we talked and laughed and how sublime it was to stand above the river and feel the warmth of his lips on mine as the cold rain spattered and dripped down or faces. How amazing it was to have him touch me so sweetly and tenderly. Those moments alone makes me glad to take these chances with him, because if I can have that much pure joy with him in such a short amount a time it makes me wonder how happpy we would be if we had all of eternity to love like that. I love him. Nothing else matters and even if I can't keep him it was all worth it.

Miss M

A Weekend Sized Slice of Heaven

I meant to give you a play by play of all that happened this last weekend but I don't think I want to. It was so perfect and so wonderful that I think I'd like to keep it between the two of us. The experience almost seems sacred. We had wonderful time together. Tiger may not seem like much to sneeze at to other people but to me, to me, he's better than I ever could've hoped for. He was nearly flawless this weekend. He always said the most perfect things and dealt with me in a way that I thought was impossible. No man has ever been this kind to me. I have alot of weirdness and issues but those all seemed to go away with him. If I even started to have a freak out moment he seemed to know and address it imeadiately without even realizing what he'd done or knowing what I was begining to feel. I am very blessed to have a best friend turn in to the most fantastic boyfriend. What more could a girl ask for?

Sometimes it almost felt like too much perfection. I'm half way waiting for the ceiling to fall in on me and for my bubble to be burst. I don't want that to happen but its necessary. Right now its like a most beautiful fairy tale. If I were to write the story it would be one of the greatest love stories. The stuff you only thought happened in the movies. Sufficent to say I'll will forever love the rain and I'll recall these beautiful moment when ever I am by the river. I'm falling for him, I may even love him. This is so unbelievable that something so wonderful could happen to a girl like me. It was like heaven. The whole experience was blissful and I want to savor every moment of it. I didn't think I could ever be this happy again.

Miss M