Snippets of Love

Tiger works second shift and I work during the day so we can't really talk to each other until very late at night. The closest we get to talking to each other through the day is text messaging. Its not much just a sentence or two whenever either of us gets a free moment. I'm hooked on them now. I think I would go nuts if I didn't get them a hundred times a day. He puts so much in those few words. I see his face when I read them and I picture in my head the way his face and mouth would be moving if he was saying those same things in person. That imagining makes those text messages even better. I get to have him with me all day. Its not enough I want him with me for real but this'll do. I like these little snippets of love. Sometimes if you piece them all together its just like a love letter. Its him telling me he loves me or misses me or reassuring me when I fear and doubt or him just being silly and sweet and wonderful.

I love him. I can't stop and I don't want to.

Yesterday we talked about being married and how wonderful it would be to be together like that. I like daydreaming together with him like that. Everything he says is perfect like he's inside me and picking out all the deepest desires I have to say back to me but the amazing thing is he's not saying them for my sake. He says these beautiful things because its what he wants. I feel like I'm getting too wrapped up in him. I'm still waiting for the sky to fall in on me. I don't trust that this is going to last. I want it to. I want nothing more than to keep him, But I feel like I don't deserve this much happiness, like something is waiting just out of sight to mess this all up. It'll probably be me or maybe he'll get scared. I dunno. I dunno what's going to happen and I have no control over any of it and that scares me. Its up to him what will happen next and how soon. I hope its soon and not just because I'm impatient for the things that I want, there's more to it than that. A lot is going on for me and my family right now. My dad isn't getting any better. In fact it feels like he's getting worse. He looks worse. He sleeps more. He doesn't even have the energy to get grumpy anymore. The chemo made him grumpy. I want him to be there if Tiger and I were to decide to get married. He needs to be there. It would be good for my mom to have something happy to focus on instead of my dad. She's already planning stuff in her head and looking at dresses online. It seems to make her happy and for a little while she doesn't look so sad and stressed. That's why I don't tell her to stop. It would also bring all the family together with my dad before anything would happen. One of the other big things is it would be very hard to plan a happy wedding post funeral if anything were to happen with dad. I hate thinking about these things but I do. I don't want to tell Tiger these things either because I don't want him to think I'm pressuring him or manipulating him. He knows now though because he reads this. I want him to have no worries though. I just think about these things sometimes because that's what I do. I worry even before there's anything to worry about. I worry knowing that everything will be okay but I still worry. Everything will work out the way its suppose to in the right moment and the right time. I shouldn't even be talking about all this. This is a happy time. I'm beginning something wonderful with my best friend and I don't want to rush anything. I want to drink it all in and savor it because I have never been loved like this and I want to remember how it feels.

I can't take the smile off my face he makes me so happy. I like believing that we'll be together eternally in the end but I'll be patient and wait for this love story to unfold like its meant to with out me meddling with it and possibly mucking it up. I'm trusting him with my heart which would normally terrify me but he seems to have very capable hands. I feel cherished and respected and that is the greatest thing in the world. I like all this. I like living my days with my little snippets of love from him in our texting. Its enough. Everything else will come in time if its meant to. He loves me and that's fantastic. I'm enjoying being loved.

Miss M

Phoenix Here I Come

Well he bought my plane ticket on Sunday. I leave for Phoenix November 9th. I'm very excited. It almost doesn't seem soon enough. I miss Tiger a great deal. We of course still talk everyday. Its a bit of a tease because we can't see each other but I wouldn't give it up I'm hooked on him now. I have to have my Tiger fix. I like all the things we talk about, about the Future about us. It delightful. I think I'm getting a little too excited thinking about the "M" word so I do my best to keep it in perspective. Marriage is a big step, one that neither of us needs to rush into too quickly. My brain says that, but my heart and my body sometimes says screw that, lets get a move on. The recurring topic we seem to land on is how nice it would be to just fall asleep in the same place, in the same bed. Not in a dirty way but in an actully sleeping way. It would be really nice to have him next to me, or to know that he'd be joining me in our bed shortly. How sublime it would be to wake up together. I'm always falling asleep on the phone. He listens to me mumbilng and sometimes snoring. He seems to think its adorable but I'm a little bit embarrassed by it but it still doesn't get me off the phone any sooner. I feel safe and secure with him and that is a big deal for me. I really like feeling that with him. I trust him. I like knowing someone is there when I'm drifting in and out of this world. I think I say silly things in my sleep because sometimes I dream he's laughing. I love his laugh. It tickles my ears to hear and makes me smile even more than I already am.

I'm only slightly nervous to meet his family. I think its going to be fun more than anything else. They sound like my kind of people. I'm more anxious to get to him. I'm a bit afraid I'll half attack him at the airport when he picks me up. I want to get my arms around him and hold him and breath him in. I picture our meeting again in my head like some cheesy old movie where we see each other across the way and we're half running and shouting each others name and trying to push our way through the crowd at the airport in our rush to get to each other. Then our bodies will collide in this massive hug and lips and hands are all over trying to get get even closer than we already are. Its kindof silly and really cheesy, I know, but it makes me chuckle so I like to picture it this way even though I'm pretty sure it'll be alot like last time but adding in a nice solid hug and probably a kiss or two or three :) . It'll be good however it goes. I'm excited to get going. I want to start packing now so I don't forget anything. And I think the only thing stopping me from doing that is the fact that I'd have to be naked in the mean time while my clothes are waiting in a suitcase for November. I'm just a wee bit excited if you can't tell. I love being in love and what I love even more is being loved. I have never been loved like this before. I am over the moon elated at the fact that I'm loved and that I get to love him. I hope Tigers ready for me because Phoenix here I come........in 42 days. :)

Miss M

Doubts and Daydreams

He loves me. He told me that he did. I almost didn't believe him. I didn't even say it back right away. I think I said 'thank you'. How horrible is that?! He says 'I love you' and I say 'thank you'. I feel terrible. I also feel nervous. I miss him terribly. I can hardly wait to see him again. He might even help me get a plane ticket so we can see each other in November. Even November feels too far away.

He's been home barley a week and we've been talking a little bit about the future. I call them our hypotheticals. Wouldn't it be nice sortof stuff. Its been really wonderful to talk about these things. I like thinking about our future together and how wonderful it'll enevitable turn out to be, but then as they always do my friends and my family start piping in on everything. He hadn't even been gone a half an hour when my mom started talking about veils and how pretty I would be. I like talking about this stuff with him when its just us and its seems so dreamy and far away in one day world. But my friends are already taking bets on when he's going to propose and picking our wedding date and then it feels wrong. Like we're skipping a step. On top of this I'm so tired half the time and I just haven't been feeling right. I feel my old issues rising up in me again. My self doubt, my low self esteem. I don't feel like I deserve this and then when I talk to him last night Tiger brings up something that he has every right to bring up and I'm done for. I lost it. I had a spaz out freak out moment. I feel terrible. I'd been doing so good at keeping things in percepective and letting things come to me slowly and it all fell apart. I'm used to my weirdness but I don't think Tiger is. I'm worried I may have scared him, made him doubt why he likes me. I'm having a harder time dealing with all of this than I thought. Not with him, I love him but I'm having a hard time dealing with all the different opinions coming at me. I feel like I'm being swept up and I want to keep my feet firmly planted on reality. I want to stay in this moment and not get ahead of myself. We've been dating for a week and a half and my friends are telling me to think about wedding dresses and my brother is talking about the food at our reception and then Tiger has me day dreaming with him about kids and dream houses, hand holding and wedding rings. I didn't mind so much talking about these things with Tiger, but I think that these dreams are more real to me than they are to him. I think that he's talking about these things seriously with me but I also think he's enjoying the novelty and newness of all of this. He's never felt like this before. I on the other not only have been in love before but these dreams used to be a reality to me I was married and I was trying to have children. There was a time in my life when it was nothing but happy dreaming and then it was taken from me. Every happy dream I'd ever had I had to watch shatter and splinter and break. Every ounce of love I had had was perverted and distorted to the point that I was unable to see reality. I was abused and used up and left by myself to wallow in the misery of lost dreams. I've lived this dreaming before and it was terrible to watch it dissolve awy and this time, this time is so different and yet so similar. The day dreaming that Tiger and I have been doing, what little we've done, is so much more real and so much more wonderful than the dreams I had before. Its more potent and powerful because Tiger actually does care about me and he's incapable lying. He has no agenda. Tiger suits me in a way that Ex could never dream of fitting with me. He suits me and fits me because he is my best friend, and now everything is changing. If I lose this if I screw this up whats going to happen to me? Will it be even more terrible than it was the first time around?

I want to take the risk. Love is worth the risk and the heart ache, but I can't be freaking out on him all the time. I need to fix this so things can work out naturally regardless of if we marry or not. If it flows naturally with out our messing with it I think it'll hurt less. So I propose to him that we change a little bit how we talk to each other. Not so much for his sake but for my sanity. Daydreaming is well and good but if we talk about the future I want it to be more down to business than the rambling on hypotheticals we've been doing. There are certain things and questions that he'll need the answers to andI'm all for it, those things are important but I want us to keep a close eye on it so it doesn't get out of hand. I think that at least until we are more certain of the future we both want from each other we should be careful not to be caught up in fantasy. That if we want to be lovey dovey and mushy mushy with each other that we should talk about the shared experiences we already have. We had and amazing and wonderful weekend together and we could talk about that forever and then add to it the more we see each other. We can get excited about the things that are coming up for us in the short term. Like the trip I might take in November. Thats all based on real stuff and we aren't getting too far ahead of ourselves. I think I'll be able to handle this much better doing it this way. As well as reigning in my friends and family and telling to stop planning this for us and that we'll figure it out ourselves in a way that is best for us.

I want this to stay happy. I don't want things to get to complicated. I want this to work and I want to be able to keep my best friend. Life will be easy to live with him by my side. I think the thing that will help us the most is if he gets his patriarchial blessing. It'll help him figure out the best road for him to take before he gets too much farther into this. It'd probably answer so many of the questions he has right now. I know its okay to love him because I have mine and he fits in so perfectly into what it says. I guess I would feel better if we knew if I fit into what it is that Heavenly Father wants for him.

In the mean time I can't wait to see him again. I miss my friend. I loved spending time with him in person. It seems so much easier to doubt things when we are so far apart. In person, with him next to me, there was no fear. It felt as natural as could be like he'd been in my arms forever. I want him to know I love him and that I often think about our last night together here in Illinois. How happy I was to sit with him by the river and have him hold my hands as we talked and laughed and how sublime it was to stand above the river and feel the warmth of his lips on mine as the cold rain spattered and dripped down or faces. How amazing it was to have him touch me so sweetly and tenderly. Those moments alone makes me glad to take these chances with him, because if I can have that much pure joy with him in such a short amount a time it makes me wonder how happpy we would be if we had all of eternity to love like that. I love him. Nothing else matters and even if I can't keep him it was all worth it.

Miss M

A Weekend Sized Slice of Heaven

I meant to give you a play by play of all that happened this last weekend but I don't think I want to. It was so perfect and so wonderful that I think I'd like to keep it between the two of us. The experience almost seems sacred. We had wonderful time together. Tiger may not seem like much to sneeze at to other people but to me, to me, he's better than I ever could've hoped for. He was nearly flawless this weekend. He always said the most perfect things and dealt with me in a way that I thought was impossible. No man has ever been this kind to me. I have alot of weirdness and issues but those all seemed to go away with him. If I even started to have a freak out moment he seemed to know and address it imeadiately without even realizing what he'd done or knowing what I was begining to feel. I am very blessed to have a best friend turn in to the most fantastic boyfriend. What more could a girl ask for?

Sometimes it almost felt like too much perfection. I'm half way waiting for the ceiling to fall in on me and for my bubble to be burst. I don't want that to happen but its necessary. Right now its like a most beautiful fairy tale. If I were to write the story it would be one of the greatest love stories. The stuff you only thought happened in the movies. Sufficent to say I'll will forever love the rain and I'll recall these beautiful moment when ever I am by the river. I'm falling for him, I may even love him. This is so unbelievable that something so wonderful could happen to a girl like me. It was like heaven. The whole experience was blissful and I want to savor every moment of it. I didn't think I could ever be this happy again.

Miss M

Naps and Sunday Clothes

Tiger is here in my house at the very moment that I am typing this. His flight was an overnight flight and as much as he tried to stay awake he was in desperate need of a nap. We got his things arranged in the spare room and I was telling him where things were. I asked if he needed to hang up any clothes like his church clothes for Sunday. I told him I could iron them while he rested and he didn't want me to trouble myself over it. It wasn't a big deal and I told him as much so he handed them to me. I stood in the doorway holding his nice sunday clothes and watching him kindof unpack and settle in. An interesting feeling crept into me while I watched this man. Its kindof hard to describe. But it was a pleasant sortof happy comfortableness. I thought I would be more nervous than I was but the moment I saw him walking towards me at the airport all fear left me and I was so content and tht feeling was amplified as I watched him ready himself for a nap. Tiger laid down and I went and ironed his shirt and now I'm sitting here typing this overwhelmed a little by how much I enjoy this new feeling I have now that he's here. I think I'd like to be the one who always gets to iron his shirts. I think I'd be very happy to be the one who gets to do that. Thats a little weird and a little quick to be saying that but oh well. I like it even if it doesn't work out that way. Its a pleasant thought anyway.

Miss M

Late Night Lullaby

Most nights I talk to Tiger until I fall asleep on the phone or until I'm so tired I could. Its probably really unhealty to do that so this last week I've been trying to get off the phone earlier so I can get a little more sleep but I'm not sure if I'm going to do that so much anymore. I'm obviously not sleeping at the moment and I think its because I fall asleep better when I fall asleep with him. He plays guitar and his voice is ever so deep and dreamy and he talks to me about sweet things late at night. Tiger thinks I'm adorable when I drifting off to sleep on the phone with him. You can tell because the way he talks to me changes a little the deeper into dreamland I go. Its a wonderful way to fall asleep, with Tiger. He doesn't sing but its like a late night lullaby and as silly as it is I miss it even though I've gone with out it for only a couple nights. I think I sleep better even if its not for very long when its with him. It makes me nervous that he still continues to become more and more important. He's becoming almost indespensible. I never wanted that but here we are and I wouldn't change it back. One more week until he gets here. It almost isn't soon enough.

Miss M