Randomness

I really have no one thing I want to talk about or any completly complete thoughts. I've got alot of things on my mind..........

First off I am changing Internet Guy's nic name on here he will hence forth and forever be known to you as Tiger. Internet guy doesn't seem to fit him any more.

So yeah, ever since Tiger actually bought his plane ticket I've been hyped up on anticipation. I try not to think about it to much and keep everything in perspective. I want to stay in reality as much as possible. I'm finding out that that is a very difficult task. My daydreams are getting away from me and I get caught up into such interesting and beautiful thoughts when it comes to him. Its nice but I don't want those things to be in the back of my mind when he comes. I want to enjoy seeing him as is, nothing more, no unrealistic expectations. As much as I try to rebel against my girlie tendency I find myself curious about a life with him and I haven't even met him yet. Last night made me really wonder. Tiger has been tired on the phone with me before but he almost fell asleep on the phone last night. I liked hearing how his breathing changed and I couldn't help but wonder what he looked like falling asleep. How his hair would lay where he had is arms, if he slept on his tummy or side, with a teddy bear. :) I don't know these things and it would be interesting if I was ever privileged to know such things. Who knows I'm just wondering out loud. It doesn't really mean anything I don't think. At least I hope not at this point. Right now meeting him is all I want to handle, because you really can't know if more is what you want till you see them, touch them, watch them intereract in your world. Besides he's also my best friend, that should be enough. It is enough, it is, but sometimes the girl in me gets carried away a bit. They are nice thoughts but his friendship is the most important. I don't want to lose that so, Tiger, don't freak out when you read this. I'm just being a silly girl...................

I being realeased from my calling at church. I was in charge of the young single adults program for awhile. I'm glad I'm not giong to be doing it anymore. It wasn't a good situation. I'm curious about what my next calling is going to be though. I want new oppurtunities to serve. I'd kindof like to teach but I don't want to be in primary even though I love it there. I just think Relief Society is where I need to be, where I want to be. I like feeling grown up like I belong there. That wasn't always the case. I felt like all the ladies were just my moms friends but now they feel like my friends. I like the feeling of sisterhood in Relief Society.......................

I haven't kept you updated on my dad very well lately. For awhile though his cancer was in remission and I wasn't too worried about it but he's been having some stomach problems and when he went in for his scan they found out that the cancer is back and its bigger than it has ever been before. I thought that it was back a couple weeks before his scan but I didn't want to believe it. He had chemo the other week and it was really hard on him. I don't like seeing him sick and uncomfortable. I want him to live forever but I don't like the chemo. I couldn't ask him to stop though or eventhink about it because with chemo at least he has a chance to be around awhile and without it it wouldn't be long before he wasn't here anymore. I'm not ready for him to die yet. I've noticed that the sadness around death is really sortof selfish in a way, sortof. People including myself think about how much they'll miss them. I know for me I think about of really selfish things when it comes to my dads illness and I have alot of guilt about the past and the things that I took away from him. Like how he might not ever dance with me at my wedding or see my children because I was stupid so many years ago and screwed up. Now I might not have those special memories with him. Now he might pass away without ever meeting my husband the person he'll have to entrust with the care and loving of his only daughter. If I could ask for one thing before this illness is that my dad can see me seattled before he goes, if he has to go. I'd rather he didn't have to be sick or dying at all........................

I have lots of other things on my mind but I can't seem to gather them in well enough to type them out. Its all a swirl, but for once I don't feel mixed up, I just feel preoccupied and antsy. I'm all squirmy I want to get up and go but I also just want to be still, breathe deeply, close my eyes and wait for the next big thing to happen.

I want it to be September.

Miss M

I Shall Hum His Praise

My best friend is coming. Internet guy finally bought his plane ticket and he’s going to be here in Illinois the second weekend of September. It causes me to take a moment to seriously reflect on the last year and all the things that brought me to this place in time. It’s been a rough year to say the least but I owe a lot of its surprising smoothness to this great friend of mine. Its amazing to me that a moment of desperation and an incredible act bravery (considering my circumstances) in a silly chat room brought me one of the most wonderful friends I have ever had.

I made the grievous mistake of comparing this great friend of mine to my ex, mostly in my head, because I wanted to deny the fact that I liked him and that he had become important to me more than I had anticipated. No man friend or otherwise was going to be allowed in my inner sanctum again. I had banished men from me and my heart in all their forms. He ever so gently managed to talk me toward the chink in the wall I had built around myself to listen to his idealistic whimsy and kind, unfettered laughter. Like water his delightful personality and kindness washed over my bitter and insecure self and began to wear away my wall, eroding it away so gently that I didn’t even know it was happening until it was too late and I was exposed. But I find myself standing in that position smiling, albeit feeling a bit like a turtle without its shell waiting to see if the person in front of me is friend or foe.

I’m not used to the things that he says and does and I’m baffled at how quickly I ramble myself into a weird mumbly corner every time he does or says something that catches me off guard. This is definitely different from what I am used to from men. I knew and with Ex all together for over four years and in all that time he bought me one gift I actually liked. Everything else I had to buy for myself because not only did he not know me well enough to pick something to my taste but he also usually forgot the days that nice things were traditional. Internet Guy sent me one care package and in that one little shoe box he set a new standard because it didn’t have just one thing it was filled with many things that were perfect and I didn’t even have to tell him. It wasn’t the stuff that impressed me but the fact that he was thoughtful enough and paid attention to me enough to know me. He is my best friend and that alone is amazing. It feels like a gift and miracle. I doubt that he has any idea that when I babble on so strangely after something nice he’s said that he’s just demolished some perception of myself or men that had been long standing in my psyche and it baffles me and I ramble on as I try to process it. He probably thinks I’m nuts, but a cute kind of nuts. :)

I hum when life is blissful. It drives the girls I hang out with nuts, but it’s true, I hum when I’m blissfully happy and wonderfully content and as terrifying as it is to admit, Internet Guy makes me this kind of happy. I’m not sure what’s going to happen between us when the smoke and mirrors of our never having met are gone but I do know that his friendship has been a pivotal part of my life. It has marked me and changed me in the most positive of ways. So when I’m wandering the delightfully whimsical paths of my day dreams and hum to myself know that I am humming his praise because him and his friendship that has made those paths beautiful again.

Miss M

Oh Crap!

Internet guy is wonderful. He's a wonderful friend and from what I can tell a wonderful brother and son. Also wonderfully talented in many ways, and he'll be talented and exceptionally wonderful at most everything he tries. I'm sure he'll also be a wonerful boyfriend and husband someday but I don't think I'll be the girl that gets to figure that out. My friend he posted a blog a little bit about me. And he's right about all of the things he said. I do like him. I like him and care for him a great deal, but in the same breath I'm unsure of how I feel about that. We've kindof talked on the edge of this topic before but I don't think he realizes how deeply I've already thought about this. I'm terrified of what the possibilities could be and the consequences of trying to make something more happen between us. I'm mostly afraid of losing his friendship because it is a most precious and treasured thing to me. I'm not even a hundred percent sure how he feels about me other than just friends. I'm afraid to ask. But who better to fall for but your best friend?

Things are very complicated though. My dad is very very sick. I don't have a lot of freedom or energy to go wild goose chasing at the chance of something more. If anything happens it would have to come from Internet Guy. He would have to say the words first and when he comes reach for me because I just don't have it in me to do it first anymore. I need more faith in him before I can take the leap and if its not really what he meant or what he wants I am content with our friendship as is.

So I say to him, if he's up to it then I'm game.

Oh crap. I think I'm nuts. :)

Miss M


Link to his blog:
http://syglyfe.blogspot.com/

Little Box of Happiness

My best friend is Internet guy. We've known each other for over a year now and its rare for us to go a day with out phoning each other and talking for at least an hour. Out of everyone, with the exception of my family, he knows the most about me. There are very few things that I keep from him. He's the greatest. Internet guys friendship has been a rock for me this past year. Its provided me a stablity in a friendship that I have never known before in a relationship. I apreciate and treasure him like nothing else. He means a great deal to me.

Saturday I sleep in pretty late and when I get up and step out of my room my mom is waiting for me. She's grinning like a little kid and tells me, "Theres a box for you upstairs on the ledge. " In my half awake delirium I was like "wha?" So she told me again and I went flying up the stairs to find it. At the top awaited something so glorious that its hard to describe for you how wonderful I felt to see Internet guys name on the return address. It was fantastic. I couldn't stop grinning and I hadn't even opened it yet. I finally open it and am greeted with a sweet letter a top the tissue paper and newspaper. It was a lovely letter of sincere friendship and kindness. I got a little teary just reading it. It had been sooo long since someone genuinly and selflessly did something nice for me just because...............just because they wanted to.

Under the tissue paper and newspaper was the most wonderful trinkets hand picked just for me. Nailing to a T my humor, my tastes and my sillinesses. No one has more accuratly figured me out before. It was a desperatly need ray of sunshine and hope. I have the greatest best friendever. I have never know a friendship like ours before. It was refreshing and appreciated.

And not only did I get this delightful box but Internet guy and I had glorious good times on the phone and on the web cam this last weekend. I grin just thinking about it. I'm very happy and I'm happy with out expectaions and with out manipulations. He's just my friend and that's enough. I am content with my friend and his little box of happiness. It nice to be treated this way. Its been a long time. Thank you. I know you read this and I hope you know how much I love our friendship.

Miss M

Confusion

I don't have a lot of time so this is going to be a short post, sorry. I promised to write a good long one sooon.

Anyway, I'm sick and tired of being so damn confused all the time. I'm tired of the fellas around me sending mixed and wishy washy signals. I work really hard to not send confusing signals and I hope peole realize that I'm friendly enough that when I do I'm okay with them talking to me about it. I know how much I would love it if I could just go up and be straight forward with someone with out them freaking out and being understanding so I am willing to do that for others. I will answer any question and answer for my actions. I know I'm not perfect and if upset or confused anyone I want them to know its okay to talk to me about it.

There have been several instances of exteme mixed signals and confusion and they involve every guy I'm talking to. It couldn't just be one guy confusing me but all of them. Sock Man, Mr. Man, EX, The Oaf, Bug Eyes, Mr. Iowa, Internet guy II, and the original internet guy. ( And since I know internet guy reads this don't freak out its not a big deal if you want I'll talk to you about it later, but we've basicly talked about it already. ) You know listing them out is kindof funny. I didn't realize I was talking to or involved with so many guys. Most of them are doofuses and friends only a couple do I have any real interest in. One interest kindof surprised me but that's for another time. But I'm very frustrated. I'm tired of boys. If they weren't so important to my life long and eternal goals I'd write them out completly. I'll get over it in a day or two so don't take me too too seriously but I am rather upset by it all at this point and time.

That's it for my rambling for now, but I wanted to say HI to Norway. I have a site meter which tracks who comes on my site and which country they're from and someone from Norway is becoming a faithful reader. So, Hi Norway! And to everyone else who visits don't hesitate to leave comments or what not it'd be fun to hear from ya.

Miss M