I Wanna Make Sense

I'm coming to terms with and to the conclusion that I'm just really screwed up. I think I'm screwed up for several reasons. Mostly for the fact that I'm pretty sure I was just born weird and strange, but everything that's gone on in the last few years just seems to have accentuated that and then this last year has just brought it all to the surface for everyone else to see more obviously. Every insecurity and moment of strangeness seems on display for everyone to see, but it makes no sense to anyone but me because I'm the only one who knows why and how they came to be there. To everyone else I just look crazy.

In this exact moment my heart hurts and I sortof want to cry but not really. Ex is haunting me and the memory of him is stuck inside my head like a nightmare and daydream stuck together in a loop. I watch him, us, over and over again. Then my head decides to be really mean and throw in more recent hurts and happinesses. It makes it quite the swirl of murky and sludgy memories and emotions. Mostly its my ex. I'm started to see and actually recall the exact moments in time where he changed me and injured me in profound and possibly permanent ways. Certain things trigger it too. Like the song I'm listening to and torturing myself with right now. It brings to mind a particularly potent memory from a day or two before Ex and I separated. It was one of his favorite groups and his absolute favorite singer. I won't tell you exactly the song to spare you remembering this when you hear it next. It was the last time things were okay and the last moment before everything crumbled around me and my life was ripped away from me. He and I had been having a rough last little bit. His illness was really catching up to him and he didn't make much sense and he'd strike out verbally with out much cause. Saying horrible and awful things to me just to watch me cry. I was sitting in our living room I don't remember what I was doing but I was thinking about what might be coming. He had been in our spare room where he spent most of his time. The stereo was in there and his music was his life line. It was the only voices besides mine that made sense to him. He would spend all day in there. This day in particular he'd already been in there for hours . I felt lonely like I almost always did and wishing he'd be normal just long enough to talk to me for a while. Almost as soon as that thought came to my mind he came rushing out of the room and took me by the hands and pulled me into the room. He was glowing with excitement and happiness and wonder. This song had just started to play and he was telling me how much he loved it and then he stopped and noticed the faraway and sad look in my eyes. He looked into me for a moment then pulled me close and put his forehead to mine with our faces close together and he whispered, "Everything will be okay. You'll find someone better than me." I started to cry as I realized it would all be over soon. That this might be it. He was almost gone from me, he was falling deeper into a place where I couldn't go and where he wouldn't let me follow because he loved me too much to let me go into the that darkness with him. He put his fingers into my hair and breathed me in in an attempt to remember and take my love with him. He kissed me softly at first and then deeper and richer and full of every great moment and ounce of love we had ever shared. He held me close and began to sway to this beautiful and haunting song. Whispering gentle comfort into my ear. Telling me he loved me. His hands touching and caressing me ever so slowly and softly. We went to bed that night in love and passion and the next night he and his mental illness struck the last and fatal blow. I had had enough and I packed his bags and he was on a bus to Utah the morning after. It was awful. He was begging me to forgive him, to not send him away that he needed me and that he'd surely die with out me. I rushed around our home making sure I was packing everything I could fit in that he loved and needed. He followed me in a panic trying to convince me that he would do better that he'd find the job and take the medicine and do the counseling, but I couldn't do it. It was one more lie and one more manipulation. I loved him too much to watch him kill himself in his darkness and sadness and eternal sorrow. I was dying everyday having to listen to how much I was worthless one moment and then how wonderful I was the next. I knew I wasn't going to survive much longer in these conditions and that one day soon I wouldn't recognize myself anymore and my life would be darkness just like his and we'd both be lost forever. I cried for days after I watched his bus drive away. I couldn't look at his stuff and I shoved it all in his closet. I took everything that reminded me of him and hid it away where I couldn't see. On my worst days and in my worst moments I would open the door and sit there and cry and cry till I fell asleep or laid there in my pitiful sorrow waiting for morning.

Its hard to fathom what that sortof thing does to someone. What it did to me. I can't even see the parts of me I lost to Ex. I see the strength I've gained and the testimony I developed as I relied and leaned on my Heavenly Father to get me through my own struggle with the intoxicating darkness and the abyss of sorrow I had sunk into. I have gained many wonderful characteristics and attributes from my pitted and nearly emotionally fatal past. I also have many wonderful memories of our love and our life. Its such a complex mix of things to be inside one person. Half happiness half stinging memories and so many wonderful opportunities possibilities in front of me for better days. It only makes sense to me, all my weirdness, all my strangeness, all my spazing oddness. I wanna make sense to someone else. I want someone else to get it. I want him to see me through the cloud of this enigma and love me anyway. But I suppose the question lies in who would battle all my imagined dragons and save this lost princess in the tower. Is anyone really up to the challenge? Am I the one who's making it impossible for some one else to love me?

Miss M