Breathing Easy

It's the hardest thing for me to feel buggered and confused. I hate things being uncalm. Mr. Man makes me feel very much unsure and frustrated. I never know where I stand with him. Tonight I had to stop and see his sister and I saw Mr. Man but he disppeared into his room at the first oppertunity. It really bothered me because Monday it really seemed like we were on our way to being back to normal. He talked with me and teased with me which was huge because he hadn't done that since before we broke up. I thought everything was finally getting better until tonight when he disappeared. I had a good time with his sister and Buttman. (They're engaged now by the way) It was a nice visit and it was good to see the both of them so happy. Mr. Man's mom even seemed happy to see me which was weird because for the most part I feel like she hates me. All and all it was a good night but it really bothered me that Mr. Man was acting like such a doofus. So on my way home I called him. I got his voice mail. I left a message which I hate doing but. I was very frustrated. I needed to be heard whether he wanted to talk to me or not. I said something along the lines of:

" ' Mr. Man' Do you really dislike me so much that you have to hide from me? Have I done something so terrible that you can't even be in the same room as me? If so then tell me so I can apoligize. If you were busy that's one thing but it felt like you were avoiding me and I'm not sure what I've done to make you hate me so much. Call me back and talk to me. I'd really like to know and to talk to you about this. Please."

I doubted that he would call me back but he did. I was still driving home and we talked so long that I sat in my car in front of my house talking to him. It felt really good to be honest with him to get a few answers from him. He didn't say hi when he called back. I answered and he said

"Its not you, that isn't the reason"
"Are you sure?"
"It's not you"
"Hmmm..."

We ended up having a really good exchange. I feel much better after talking to him and having him respond and answer and clarify. We both agreed that we're not really sure what to do with the other. That this was all so strange and weird. I said how there's no compartment in my head for him that I felt like a little kid with one of those balls with the different shaped holes and that I keep trying to shove him in the wrong hole, that he just doesn't fit anywhere. And that I was frustrated. He agreed and said how he was just as confused by me. We've come to an interesting agreement and we're going to see if it works. I'm very glad for this turn of events. I hope I'm starting to get my friend back. A friend that I've missed terribly.

My heart's uncleanched a bit now and I feel like I can breath a little easier. It is by no means fixed but at least we've opened the lines of communication and I'm happy for that. By the end of the conversation we were just chatting and talking about other things besides our weird relationship. It wasn't all one sided either. Mr. Man seemed concerned about what was going on in my life and how I've been. It was nice. Strange but nice. I'm breathing easy and I hope it stays that way.

Miss M