I had every intention of writing about my great and wonderful weekend trip. A lovely report of the good times I had with my friends and with the people I met but I've decided not to. Maybe later....sometime. I'm not sure yet. This blog seems to be a platform for what's on my mind and the things that affect me. My trip had a huge impact but not the destination. The impact came from the drive home. I had the best time. I haven't felt so content and happy and blissful in a long time. Long before Ex left and not really since, until yesterday. I had gone to this conference with Mr. Man and another girl who just newly joined our church. She's been a member about a month and had never experienced anything like one of our conferences before and had so much fun and was so exhausted that she pooped out for the ride home. She slept for over half of the way so that just left Mr. Man and I to talk. We talked non stop the entire way home and we were so engrossed in the conversations that we'd go through the CDs a few times before we'd realize they had started over several times. The topics and discussions ranged from the normal, to deep and intimate, to ridiculous, to weird, to delightful and heavenly. It flowed so effortlessly and wonderfully. I knew alot about him already and he knew alot about me but we still managed to surprise each other. We played a game called Random Factoid for most of the first half of the drive. You play by saying the first random fact that comes to mind about yourself when it was your turn. It made for some pretty funny stories and for "Aa haa" moments, moments where something about them finally fell into place in your perception of them and they made just little bit more sense. We laughed alot. I almost cried a couple of times. I apologized alot because I behaved rather shamefully the night before on Saturday. He readily forgave me but felt better once I explained what was going on with me. He had been a little comcerned.It was strange that he was worried, but interesting. Ex had called my cell a couple times and that made me sensitive and weird. He's so far away and still manages to upset things sometimes. I was very short and cross with Mr. Man on Saturday. I felt terible that I was so unfair to him. I was punishing him for what Ex does and basicly picking a little fight. Mr. Man handled it well. He has always done well with my weirdness, but he said he understood alot more after I explained what happened on the way home. Towards the end of the trip we ran out of random factoids so we played "Truth or Dare minus the Dare because we were in a car" so we just asked each other questions about the other. It was enlightening to say the least. That drive was wonderful. His face was almost radiant he was smiling so much. He looked all spiffy with his sunglasses and church clothes. The sunlight spilled into the car in such a magical way. It was heavenly. He was heavenly and I was as close to normal as I've been in a long time. We were enjoying it all so much that he parked a half a a block away from my house and we just kept talking. We parked for awhile and it wasn't even my idea. It was wonderful to be able to talk so candidly like we used to.
Everything is back to normal now. Its a little bit better of a normal but that's okay. I'm happy to be his friend. It is enough for now. I doubt that it could ever be what it was. I just wish I knew what to do. I'm so unsure of my standing with him because it seems to change with every moment. I was glad for our time in the sun, but I doubt that he'll let it last.
Miss M
Monday, March 27, 2006
Saturday, March 18, 2006
I Wanna Make Sense
I'm coming to terms with and to the conclusion that I'm just really screwed up. I think I'm screwed up for several reasons. Mostly for the fact that I'm pretty sure I was just born weird and strange, but everything that's gone on in the last few years just seems to have accentuated that and then this last year has just brought it all to the surface for everyone else to see more obviously. Every insecurity and moment of strangeness seems on display for everyone to see, but it makes no sense to anyone but me because I'm the only one who knows why and how they came to be there. To everyone else I just look crazy.
In this exact moment my heart hurts and I sortof want to cry but not really. Ex is haunting me and the memory of him is stuck inside my head like a nightmare and daydream stuck together in a loop. I watch him, us, over and over again. Then my head decides to be really mean and throw in more recent hurts and happinesses. It makes it quite the swirl of murky and sludgy memories and emotions. Mostly its my ex. I'm started to see and actually recall the exact moments in time where he changed me and injured me in profound and possibly permanent ways. Certain things trigger it too. Like the song I'm listening to and torturing myself with right now. It brings to mind a particularly potent memory from a day or two before Ex and I separated. It was one of his favorite groups and his absolute favorite singer. I won't tell you exactly the song to spare you remembering this when you hear it next. It was the last time things were okay and the last moment before everything crumbled around me and my life was ripped away from me. He and I had been having a rough last little bit. His illness was really catching up to him and he didn't make much sense and he'd strike out verbally with out much cause. Saying horrible and awful things to me just to watch me cry. I was sitting in our living room I don't remember what I was doing but I was thinking about what might be coming. He had been in our spare room where he spent most of his time. The stereo was in there and his music was his life line. It was the only voices besides mine that made sense to him. He would spend all day in there. This day in particular he'd already been in there for hours . I felt lonely like I almost always did and wishing he'd be normal just long enough to talk to me for a while. Almost as soon as that thought came to my mind he came rushing out of the room and took me by the hands and pulled me into the room. He was glowing with excitement and happiness and wonder. This song had just started to play and he was telling me how much he loved it and then he stopped and noticed the faraway and sad look in my eyes. He looked into me for a moment then pulled me close and put his forehead to mine with our faces close together and he whispered, "Everything will be okay. You'll find someone better than me." I started to cry as I realized it would all be over soon. That this might be it. He was almost gone from me, he was falling deeper into a place where I couldn't go and where he wouldn't let me follow because he loved me too much to let me go into the that darkness with him. He put his fingers into my hair and breathed me in in an attempt to remember and take my love with him. He kissed me softly at first and then deeper and richer and full of every great moment and ounce of love we had ever shared. He held me close and began to sway to this beautiful and haunting song. Whispering gentle comfort into my ear. Telling me he loved me. His hands touching and caressing me ever so slowly and softly. We went to bed that night in love and passion and the next night he and his mental illness struck the last and fatal blow. I had had enough and I packed his bags and he was on a bus to Utah the morning after. It was awful. He was begging me to forgive him, to not send him away that he needed me and that he'd surely die with out me. I rushed around our home making sure I was packing everything I could fit in that he loved and needed. He followed me in a panic trying to convince me that he would do better that he'd find the job and take the medicine and do the counseling, but I couldn't do it. It was one more lie and one more manipulation. I loved him too much to watch him kill himself in his darkness and sadness and eternal sorrow. I was dying everyday having to listen to how much I was worthless one moment and then how wonderful I was the next. I knew I wasn't going to survive much longer in these conditions and that one day soon I wouldn't recognize myself anymore and my life would be darkness just like his and we'd both be lost forever. I cried for days after I watched his bus drive away. I couldn't look at his stuff and I shoved it all in his closet. I took everything that reminded me of him and hid it away where I couldn't see. On my worst days and in my worst moments I would open the door and sit there and cry and cry till I fell asleep or laid there in my pitiful sorrow waiting for morning.
Its hard to fathom what that sortof thing does to someone. What it did to me. I can't even see the parts of me I lost to Ex. I see the strength I've gained and the testimony I developed as I relied and leaned on my Heavenly Father to get me through my own struggle with the intoxicating darkness and the abyss of sorrow I had sunk into. I have gained many wonderful characteristics and attributes from my pitted and nearly emotionally fatal past. I also have many wonderful memories of our love and our life. Its such a complex mix of things to be inside one person. Half happiness half stinging memories and so many wonderful opportunities possibilities in front of me for better days. It only makes sense to me, all my weirdness, all my strangeness, all my spazing oddness. I wanna make sense to someone else. I want someone else to get it. I want him to see me through the cloud of this enigma and love me anyway. But I suppose the question lies in who would battle all my imagined dragons and save this lost princess in the tower. Is anyone really up to the challenge? Am I the one who's making it impossible for some one else to love me?
Miss M
In this exact moment my heart hurts and I sortof want to cry but not really. Ex is haunting me and the memory of him is stuck inside my head like a nightmare and daydream stuck together in a loop. I watch him, us, over and over again. Then my head decides to be really mean and throw in more recent hurts and happinesses. It makes it quite the swirl of murky and sludgy memories and emotions. Mostly its my ex. I'm started to see and actually recall the exact moments in time where he changed me and injured me in profound and possibly permanent ways. Certain things trigger it too. Like the song I'm listening to and torturing myself with right now. It brings to mind a particularly potent memory from a day or two before Ex and I separated. It was one of his favorite groups and his absolute favorite singer. I won't tell you exactly the song to spare you remembering this when you hear it next. It was the last time things were okay and the last moment before everything crumbled around me and my life was ripped away from me. He and I had been having a rough last little bit. His illness was really catching up to him and he didn't make much sense and he'd strike out verbally with out much cause. Saying horrible and awful things to me just to watch me cry. I was sitting in our living room I don't remember what I was doing but I was thinking about what might be coming. He had been in our spare room where he spent most of his time. The stereo was in there and his music was his life line. It was the only voices besides mine that made sense to him. He would spend all day in there. This day in particular he'd already been in there for hours . I felt lonely like I almost always did and wishing he'd be normal just long enough to talk to me for a while. Almost as soon as that thought came to my mind he came rushing out of the room and took me by the hands and pulled me into the room. He was glowing with excitement and happiness and wonder. This song had just started to play and he was telling me how much he loved it and then he stopped and noticed the faraway and sad look in my eyes. He looked into me for a moment then pulled me close and put his forehead to mine with our faces close together and he whispered, "Everything will be okay. You'll find someone better than me." I started to cry as I realized it would all be over soon. That this might be it. He was almost gone from me, he was falling deeper into a place where I couldn't go and where he wouldn't let me follow because he loved me too much to let me go into the that darkness with him. He put his fingers into my hair and breathed me in in an attempt to remember and take my love with him. He kissed me softly at first and then deeper and richer and full of every great moment and ounce of love we had ever shared. He held me close and began to sway to this beautiful and haunting song. Whispering gentle comfort into my ear. Telling me he loved me. His hands touching and caressing me ever so slowly and softly. We went to bed that night in love and passion and the next night he and his mental illness struck the last and fatal blow. I had had enough and I packed his bags and he was on a bus to Utah the morning after. It was awful. He was begging me to forgive him, to not send him away that he needed me and that he'd surely die with out me. I rushed around our home making sure I was packing everything I could fit in that he loved and needed. He followed me in a panic trying to convince me that he would do better that he'd find the job and take the medicine and do the counseling, but I couldn't do it. It was one more lie and one more manipulation. I loved him too much to watch him kill himself in his darkness and sadness and eternal sorrow. I was dying everyday having to listen to how much I was worthless one moment and then how wonderful I was the next. I knew I wasn't going to survive much longer in these conditions and that one day soon I wouldn't recognize myself anymore and my life would be darkness just like his and we'd both be lost forever. I cried for days after I watched his bus drive away. I couldn't look at his stuff and I shoved it all in his closet. I took everything that reminded me of him and hid it away where I couldn't see. On my worst days and in my worst moments I would open the door and sit there and cry and cry till I fell asleep or laid there in my pitiful sorrow waiting for morning.
Its hard to fathom what that sortof thing does to someone. What it did to me. I can't even see the parts of me I lost to Ex. I see the strength I've gained and the testimony I developed as I relied and leaned on my Heavenly Father to get me through my own struggle with the intoxicating darkness and the abyss of sorrow I had sunk into. I have gained many wonderful characteristics and attributes from my pitted and nearly emotionally fatal past. I also have many wonderful memories of our love and our life. Its such a complex mix of things to be inside one person. Half happiness half stinging memories and so many wonderful opportunities possibilities in front of me for better days. It only makes sense to me, all my weirdness, all my strangeness, all my spazing oddness. I wanna make sense to someone else. I want someone else to get it. I want him to see me through the cloud of this enigma and love me anyway. But I suppose the question lies in who would battle all my imagined dragons and save this lost princess in the tower. Is anyone really up to the challenge? Am I the one who's making it impossible for some one else to love me?
Miss M
Thursday, March 09, 2006
The Worst Kindof Girl
I consider my self to be somewhat level headed with normal spaz out moments, but lately I feel like one big weirded out spaz freak in the most girlie sortof way. Things are getting better a little bit at a time with Mr. Man, but I'm still acting like an idiot. I sway form one extreme to the other. One minute I think he's fantastic and the next I want to kick him really really hard. Worst of all I deny my eloquence and become a rambling, stumbling, foot in mouth oaf when ever I'm around him or talk about him. I read way to many things into our almost nonexistent conversations. I get way too emotional too. I'm uber sensitive to everything he does and says and also what his family says. Everything is blown way out of proportion and I'm not thinking clearly and I've become an idiot girl pining for an idiot boy. I'm smarter than this. I know better. Stupid boys shouldn't have this much effect on me. Grr. I feel like I've become the worst kind of girl, but at least I've recognized the disease and have time to stop it. I don't want to be totally lost into air head world. I swear I have more substance than that even if I'm not currently acting like I do. I'm just glad he's still talking to me despite my crazy girlieness. He actually tolerates me quite well considering my temporary loss of sanity. I suppose its because he's temporally insane too.
Miss M
Miss M
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Emails and Normalcy
I can't believe the things I do sometimes. I was getting ready to go to work this morning and I had the 'brilliant' idea to email Mr. Man in an effort to continue on the goodness from yesterday. It wasn't that spectacular of an email but it seemed like a good idea, but all day I was thinking, "Stupid, stupid, stupid." I mean what in the world was I thinking. Our relationship is shaky at best. I felt like I probably screwed up and pushed too hard and moved our friendship back to nonexistent again. I was so afraid I'd come home and check my email and I'd have an email from him telling me off and what not, or the absolute worst no response at all. Disappointment all over again and barely healed wounds ripped open, again. I feared terrible consequences to my idiocy, but miracle of miracles Mr. Man wrote back. Not only did he write back but it was a perfectly wonderful simple easy going email. He told me he didn't mind emails and that he in fact liked them. He talked about some of the things I said in my email and then told me about his day. And typical guy he was wondering what he was going to have for dinner. He even joked with me a bit. It was great. It was normal. Even more normal than yesterday. It was spectacular. It made me so happy. I'm very glad that he understands my idiocy and gets what I'm trying to do and even if he doesn't he sure does a good job of dealing with me. That's probably why I like him so much. Its good to have open communication with him its much better than the usual cool and indifferent attitudes from before. I'm liking emails and normalcy. I can handle that, happily.
Miss M
Miss M
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Breathing Easy
It's the hardest thing for me to feel buggered and confused. I hate things being uncalm. Mr. Man makes me feel very much unsure and frustrated. I never know where I stand with him. Tonight I had to stop and see his sister and I saw Mr. Man but he disppeared into his room at the first oppertunity. It really bothered me because Monday it really seemed like we were on our way to being back to normal. He talked with me and teased with me which was huge because he hadn't done that since before we broke up. I thought everything was finally getting better until tonight when he disappeared. I had a good time with his sister and Buttman. (They're engaged now by the way) It was a nice visit and it was good to see the both of them so happy. Mr. Man's mom even seemed happy to see me which was weird because for the most part I feel like she hates me. All and all it was a good night but it really bothered me that Mr. Man was acting like such a doofus. So on my way home I called him. I got his voice mail. I left a message which I hate doing but. I was very frustrated. I needed to be heard whether he wanted to talk to me or not. I said something along the lines of:
" ' Mr. Man' Do you really dislike me so much that you have to hide from me? Have I done something so terrible that you can't even be in the same room as me? If so then tell me so I can apoligize. If you were busy that's one thing but it felt like you were avoiding me and I'm not sure what I've done to make you hate me so much. Call me back and talk to me. I'd really like to know and to talk to you about this. Please."
I doubted that he would call me back but he did. I was still driving home and we talked so long that I sat in my car in front of my house talking to him. It felt really good to be honest with him to get a few answers from him. He didn't say hi when he called back. I answered and he said
"Its not you, that isn't the reason"
"Are you sure?"
"It's not you"
"Hmmm..."
We ended up having a really good exchange. I feel much better after talking to him and having him respond and answer and clarify. We both agreed that we're not really sure what to do with the other. That this was all so strange and weird. I said how there's no compartment in my head for him that I felt like a little kid with one of those balls with the different shaped holes and that I keep trying to shove him in the wrong hole, that he just doesn't fit anywhere. And that I was frustrated. He agreed and said how he was just as confused by me. We've come to an interesting agreement and we're going to see if it works. I'm very glad for this turn of events. I hope I'm starting to get my friend back. A friend that I've missed terribly.
My heart's uncleanched a bit now and I feel like I can breath a little easier. It is by no means fixed but at least we've opened the lines of communication and I'm happy for that. By the end of the conversation we were just chatting and talking about other things besides our weird relationship. It wasn't all one sided either. Mr. Man seemed concerned about what was going on in my life and how I've been. It was nice. Strange but nice. I'm breathing easy and I hope it stays that way.
Miss M
" ' Mr. Man' Do you really dislike me so much that you have to hide from me? Have I done something so terrible that you can't even be in the same room as me? If so then tell me so I can apoligize. If you were busy that's one thing but it felt like you were avoiding me and I'm not sure what I've done to make you hate me so much. Call me back and talk to me. I'd really like to know and to talk to you about this. Please."
I doubted that he would call me back but he did. I was still driving home and we talked so long that I sat in my car in front of my house talking to him. It felt really good to be honest with him to get a few answers from him. He didn't say hi when he called back. I answered and he said
"Its not you, that isn't the reason"
"Are you sure?"
"It's not you"
"Hmmm..."
We ended up having a really good exchange. I feel much better after talking to him and having him respond and answer and clarify. We both agreed that we're not really sure what to do with the other. That this was all so strange and weird. I said how there's no compartment in my head for him that I felt like a little kid with one of those balls with the different shaped holes and that I keep trying to shove him in the wrong hole, that he just doesn't fit anywhere. And that I was frustrated. He agreed and said how he was just as confused by me. We've come to an interesting agreement and we're going to see if it works. I'm very glad for this turn of events. I hope I'm starting to get my friend back. A friend that I've missed terribly.
My heart's uncleanched a bit now and I feel like I can breath a little easier. It is by no means fixed but at least we've opened the lines of communication and I'm happy for that. By the end of the conversation we were just chatting and talking about other things besides our weird relationship. It wasn't all one sided either. Mr. Man seemed concerned about what was going on in my life and how I've been. It was nice. Strange but nice. I'm breathing easy and I hope it stays that way.
Miss M
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