No Secrets

Everyone has a secret. However small or big everyone has one. I have many. Along with my own secrets I keep many secrets for other people. There is one person in this world who knows the most about me and my Secrets and thats Tiger. My family knows my secrets because they have my history but Tiger has the secrets of mine that even my family doesn't know. I like that I can trust him that much. He keeps them safe and he keeps them between us.

I've been waiting patiently for Tiger's secret. I knew he had to have one. I knew that it was something somewhat big and something that he was unsure if he should tell me. I knew he would tell me someday that it was just a matter of time. I don't think he's ever had to tell his secrets before. So I've been patiently waiting. In the afternoon yesterday I got the feeling that he would tell me that day sometime. I still wasn't exactly sure what it would be but I had a general idea the sortof secret it would be. I knew without knowing some how. Later that night when we talked it flowed out of his mouth like water. It wasn't so bad. I think he was worried how I would react. Its a not so big, really big deal. I'm not too worried about it. Its fixable and manageable. The thing that I liked was how we are able to communicate. I love the way we can talk to each other. We are so open about everything. Its feels like it has always been this way that saying it out loud sometimes is rudundent because we already knew with out speaking it. Nothing is taboo with him and he listens to everything I have to say. He remembers what I say.

I don't mind his secret. I'm glad that he finally trusted me enough to tell me.

We talked until 4 in the morning. About all sortof things and I loved every minute of it and I hated that I had to fall asleep. He hates to hang up too. Tiger loves to listen to me fall asleep. I do it quite frequently because we talk so late at night. Apparently I make a little noise in my sleep. Tiger calls it my cooing. He says its adorable. He thinks that I'm adorable. I love falling asleep with him on the phone and I'm excited to one day fall asleep with him in person. Its a daydream we talk about often about how nice it would be after we're married to just lay together and fall asleep in each others arms and not on a phone. How sweet and delightful it would be to be like that. I feel as if I miss it, but how can I miss something I've never had?

I like that we've reached this point together. I feel like our reltaionship is becoming strong and unshakeable. I feel that its strength comes from our long friendship and that this romance was inevitable. That we couldn't have stopped it if we wanted to. I like that there's no secrets anymore. Everything that's left is us just getting to know the other that the things we don't know aren't secrets but discoveries yet to be uncover.

Miss M

Cancer Makes Me Cry

I would never claim to be an expert on cancer. I know very little about it which bugs me a little because my dad has cancer. I should know more but I don't. I don't know how it works or why it grows so fast or the mortality rates or success rates. I'm not even sure of what type exactly my dad has. What I do know is cancer makes me cry. I know what its doing to my family. I see what its doing to my dad. I hear it through the floor when he's up all night being sick. I hear in the sobs of my mother whenever we are alone together. I know that it is a menacing, dark and scary thing. Just saying the word, cancer, makes people cringe. I don't know much about it but I know these things. I know that everyday it may be killing my dad just little more than it was the day before. I know that its a tricky and devious thing. You believe that its gone when very smart doctors and learned people are saying "remission" and you start to breath again and then out of no where you realize its back because you can just feel it. Cancer has a feeling to it. At least it does to me. The feeling of it permeates every corner of my house and I hate it. I hate it because it feels like its stolen something from our home. Our home was always so happy there was such Joy there. Lots of laughter, lots of hugs, lots of being close to one another, lots of smiles. So much of that feels lost. Some times our happiness now feels like its borrowed from another time, another existance, taken from people we used to know. When our family is together and we are having the good times we always have had and the laughter slows and we breath in, I look around and wonder if this is the last time. I wonder if this will be the last happy moment before the terrible cancer catches up to us, to him.

I went to my dad's oncology office today. I usually avoid that place as much as possible because the feel of it gets to me sometimes. It takes me awhile to shake off the ick feeling that I pick up there. But today my day wanted me to help him thank his doctor and his nurses for being so nice to him. I'm a massage therapist so I took my little massage chair and set up in one of the rooms and massaged the staff. I was happy to give some service to the people that are trying very hard to keep our dad with us, with me. On the drive over there I looked over at my dad and I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry for all the things I haven't said yet, for all the memories he'll miss, because of all the love I have for him. I hate seeing what this cancer has done to him. I admire him so much for how well he's dealt with this cancer. He has always been a great man in my eyes and I am not sure if I would conduct myself as well as he if I were in the same situation. Not only have I seen that my dad is even more deserving of all my admiration but he is loved by so many people. More people than I thought one person could know and they love him. They weep for him. They hug him and they pray for him. They are just as honored to have met him as my family feels blessed to belong to him. My father is truly a great man. I hate that this is happening to him, to us.

There is so much that I want to tell my dad, but I'm afraid that if I tell him these things then I must be telling him goodbye. I'm not ready for goodbye but I don't want to let this oppurtunity pass I don' t want him going from this world to the next with out saying I'm sorry. I want to tell him I'm sorry for all the poor decisions that I made and for the things that I stole from him when I left home and left him out and when I was married without him. I want to say I'm sorry for making him ashamed of me when I became a "slut", for making him worry and pray over his lost and angry daughter. Sorry isn't a good enough word to describe the remorse and sorrow I feel over the past and the pain that I caused him and my mom. I want him to believe in me have faith in me and know that I will be okay. I remember now all the things he's taught me that he thought I forgot. That I am becoming the woman that he always wanted me to be. I want him to be proud of me. I love my father. I have always been his little girl. So much of who I am and who I want to be is wrapped up in his existence. I'm afraid that if he's not here I'll not be the same. I'm afraid of what it'll do to my mom and if it will destroy her if he's gone or change her into a woman she was never meant to be. I think it'll be hard for her to recover from that kind of loss. He is her whole world.

I don't know much about cancer.

But I know that cancer makes me cry.

Miss M

Wake Up Calls

Tigers new fun thing to do is to call me around the same time that my alram goes off in the morning. It was so surprising the first time he did it. It was a wonderful surprise. He even set an alarm for himself to makes sure he was able to wakew me up. Its really earlyin the moring for him I wake up about 10 mintutes to 7 a.m. everyday and that makes it 10 minutes to 5 a.m. his time. It means alot tha he makes that kind of effort just to talk to me. I like that he's the last person I talk to at night and the first person I talk to when I wake up. I love that my world is filled with him. Even though he lives so far away I feel his presence in my life. The other night I had to stop at the store and he'd wanted me to call so I'm chatting with him as I'm wandering around Wal-Mart. I'm talking about silly stuff what I'm looking at, making him help me pick out stuff. I told him how silly I felt because I had been wondering if he needed me to pick him up anything and then realizing I wasn't going home to him and had no way to get anything to him. It made me laugh. The neat thing happened in the cold and flu aisle and I was wondering which vitimin c thing to get and talking with him about it and he said something about how wonderful it would be to be married to me. That this must be what everyday would feel like and that it felt great and he wanted it. I told him I'd be even more fun with him there in the store with me in person. He started giggling but I won't divulge to you what it was he was thinking ;) It sounded fun though. I am so honored to be with this man. Everything is so much better because he's there. I never thought I could be this happy again. I am so in love with him.

Miss M

Tiger Lovin'

Thirty-two more days till I get to see him again. Life has been so amazing. I am in awe of this thing that Tiger and I have started. I am so in love I can barely breath. It is almost inexplicable the feelings that seem to have taken over me and permeated themselves into every facet and moment of my life. The most amazing part is how it doesn't seem to bother me. I'm perfectly content with our relationship. I have found all the things I've been looking for, longing for and praying for, for such a long time. I have found them in him and because of him I'm becoming more and more like the woman I always wanted to be. I would ask for nothing more out of this life then for us to be together. How sublime it would be to be able to keep such a wonderful man in my life. I'm thrilled and elated that he finds in me a woman that he loves that I am the person that he wants. I am the person that he longs for and misses I am the person that he loves and cares for. He want to listen to me talk because his is enrapturted by the sound of my voice. To him I am beauty and love. He loves the parts of me that I hate and he cherishes me in a way that I never known before. Me. I am that woman. I am all of these things to him.

I am loved.

Miss M

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