I honestly didn't think that Mr. Man would acknowledge the email I sent him. I assumed that he'd continue to pretend that I no longer existed. I was wrong. I saw him at institute yesterday. he walked in and saw me sitting on the couch in the foyer and his face grew a smile and he gave me this sideways look and told me that he appreciated the email and that he appreciated the friendship as well. He looked at me a little funny. I'm not really sure how to interpret the look but it seemed like a good one. After that Mr. Man flopped himself on the couch across from me and we set about having a lovely conversation, one that we were so engrossed in that the teacher had to come out and remind us to come in to class. I sat by him like I do just about every week. Normally my presence is generally tolerated and for short moments pleasant but that night he seemed to be happy I was there next to him. It was comfortable. After institute we talked together outside by our cars for another half hour or so. We were the last ones to leave the parking lot. It was really hard to walk away from him. He seemed a little hesitant too.
This is going to be a lot harder than I originally thought. I thought it would make it alot easier not having around anymore, that my head wouldn't be so muddled and confused, but his not being here means that he won't be here. Yeah I know, duh, but really I'm not sure which is worse. There must be something bigger going on here that I'm not seeing. There has to be a reason that all of this is happening, a reason for how all of this is going down.
I need to stop falling in love.
Mr. Man says he appreciates me I just wish he could appreciate me more. So much more that he'd either stay or take me with him. That's the way I would choose for it to go but there must be another path for me to take, away from him. I hope its a prettier, easier path. It can have thorns and what not but hopefully the flowers would hide the thorns because I have someone to walk it with. Right now all I see is the thorns not the beauty.
At least I'm appreciated.
Thats something I guess.
Miss M
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Leaving Brings a New Calm
Well Mr. Man is moving. That makes me feel so much better. I think its stupid where and who with but he' s going and I think that that's the important thing. The swirl and the mess of our drama was getting to be a bit much. It's a relief. He's moving to Ohio with his parents, and his sister and new brother-in-law are going to move too. They are all going to live together in one house. It the dumbest thing that the Contessa and Buttman could do when embarking in their new life together. I've lived with parents. Its nice when it is necessary when you have no choice but I would never do it if I could choose to otherwise. It's hard enough to establish who you are as a couple and even harder when your parents are down the hall or in my case walking in your room when ever they flipin feel like and acting shocked at what they might be walking in to. My ex mother in law was nutty. We'll just leave it at that. She could be an entire blog in and of its self. Anyway back to my original point.....
I also think Mr. Man is making a mistake in moving with his family. Not that he shouldn't move he should, just not with his parents. What he should do and the thing that would be the very best would be that he just move out on his own no matter where that is, here or anywhere else. I think Mr. Man would be much happier standing on his own and I think that in doing so it'd give him that missing piece to him that if he had it would almost make him perfect. He would be a real man, not just a scared boy trying and pretending to be one.
If he were the friend that we were when we first found each other I think I'd miss him more when he leaves but not now, not as much as I would have. I probably still will a little because I do love him, but love doesn't always mean you get to keep them. If that happened then life would be too perfect and it just doesn't happen that way for me. It's sad because now the only two men that I've ever loved are both gone. I didn't get to keep either of them. I'm sure its for the best and that I'm just not seeing the whole picture, that I don't have the perspective I need to make all of this easier.
I did something slightly stupid. I emailed Mr. Man. I didn't want him moving away from here thinking that everyone hated him. I wanted him to know that at least one person thought that he was something great. Sometimes that's all people need is to have someone else acknowldege their goodness before they believe it. My mom, who is never shy about telling me when I'm being a silly girl and who knows all that went on, read my saved draft of the email letter and said that it was good and that it may be just the thing that he needed to know before he left. So I feel a little less stupid. Also my goodest friend reassured me as well. He knows just about as much as my mom does. So I'm trusting their judgement on the situation. I just couldn't let him go with out knowing what it is he really did and what he was to me. He did more than he will ever realize.
Here's what I wrote to Mr: Man:
'Mr. Man'
I heard that you were going to be moving. I was going to let the time pass and not say anything but I felt it was necessary to tell you some of the things that are on my mind. I'm not sure if its for my benifit or yours but I felt it needful to share with you some things. I know that you probably stopped caring about what I think a long time ago and that this is probably the worst thing I could do, to be writing you, but it seems like the right thing to do.
I want to compliment you on the person that you are. I know that things are weird between us now but before all thats come since we dated, you and I were close. You came into to my life at a time when I needed a friend the most. I think that in that time and moment you were flawless. Your friendship was a breathe of fresh life that I desperatly needed. Every crisis I had and every moment of doubt you addressed with perfection. Even in the months since our breakup you had a delicacy with my tender insecurities that surpass any expectation anyone could have had and that no one else could have done for me as well as you did. There is an appreciation for you that I doubt that I could convey to you with any sort of accuracy but which seems to be the thing I want you to remember the most. I think that it is important to tell the people in your life who effect you profoundly that you appreciate them.
I won't pretend that I know you pefectly but this I think I know about you is that you strive to do the best that you know you can do. You push yourself and work dilligently to reach the goals that you've set. I also see that at times you can be very hard on yourself, and think that you've failed when things don't go as planned. I thought it important that you should know that someone thinks of you and sees in you many wonderful things. Sometimes in order to believe the good things about ourselves we have to hear them from someone else.
I'm sorry for the things that I may have done or said that were hurtful or unpleasant to you or your family. I hope that this move will be something wonderful for you as terrifying or difficult as it may or may not be. Change is always diffucult. I don't know whether you want to be my friend or not but you should know that you will always be mine. That if there is ever anything that you need that I will be ready and willing to help you in anyway I can. You are someone worth the effort and that my caring for or loving you doesn't mean that I want to keep you but that I want all the happiest and best things that life can give to be yours.
Thank you for all the happy an wonderful moments you've shared with me. I'm sorry to see you and your family leave here.
'Miss M'
So now that it's done its too late to take it back. I think I sent it too early though he isn't leaving until the end of July so I have the next month and a half to run into him in the hallways at church and feel awkward. I should have waited.
Eh.............
Oh well..........
I think I'm going to miss him, a little bit, maybe. I'm not sure yet. There's a calmness that comes over me knowing that he's leaving. We'll see if that's really how its going to be.
Miss M
I also think Mr. Man is making a mistake in moving with his family. Not that he shouldn't move he should, just not with his parents. What he should do and the thing that would be the very best would be that he just move out on his own no matter where that is, here or anywhere else. I think Mr. Man would be much happier standing on his own and I think that in doing so it'd give him that missing piece to him that if he had it would almost make him perfect. He would be a real man, not just a scared boy trying and pretending to be one.
If he were the friend that we were when we first found each other I think I'd miss him more when he leaves but not now, not as much as I would have. I probably still will a little because I do love him, but love doesn't always mean you get to keep them. If that happened then life would be too perfect and it just doesn't happen that way for me. It's sad because now the only two men that I've ever loved are both gone. I didn't get to keep either of them. I'm sure its for the best and that I'm just not seeing the whole picture, that I don't have the perspective I need to make all of this easier.
I did something slightly stupid. I emailed Mr. Man. I didn't want him moving away from here thinking that everyone hated him. I wanted him to know that at least one person thought that he was something great. Sometimes that's all people need is to have someone else acknowldege their goodness before they believe it. My mom, who is never shy about telling me when I'm being a silly girl and who knows all that went on, read my saved draft of the email letter and said that it was good and that it may be just the thing that he needed to know before he left. So I feel a little less stupid. Also my goodest friend reassured me as well. He knows just about as much as my mom does. So I'm trusting their judgement on the situation. I just couldn't let him go with out knowing what it is he really did and what he was to me. He did more than he will ever realize.
Here's what I wrote to Mr: Man:
'Mr. Man'
I heard that you were going to be moving. I was going to let the time pass and not say anything but I felt it was necessary to tell you some of the things that are on my mind. I'm not sure if its for my benifit or yours but I felt it needful to share with you some things. I know that you probably stopped caring about what I think a long time ago and that this is probably the worst thing I could do, to be writing you, but it seems like the right thing to do.
I want to compliment you on the person that you are. I know that things are weird between us now but before all thats come since we dated, you and I were close. You came into to my life at a time when I needed a friend the most. I think that in that time and moment you were flawless. Your friendship was a breathe of fresh life that I desperatly needed. Every crisis I had and every moment of doubt you addressed with perfection. Even in the months since our breakup you had a delicacy with my tender insecurities that surpass any expectation anyone could have had and that no one else could have done for me as well as you did. There is an appreciation for you that I doubt that I could convey to you with any sort of accuracy but which seems to be the thing I want you to remember the most. I think that it is important to tell the people in your life who effect you profoundly that you appreciate them.
I won't pretend that I know you pefectly but this I think I know about you is that you strive to do the best that you know you can do. You push yourself and work dilligently to reach the goals that you've set. I also see that at times you can be very hard on yourself, and think that you've failed when things don't go as planned. I thought it important that you should know that someone thinks of you and sees in you many wonderful things. Sometimes in order to believe the good things about ourselves we have to hear them from someone else.
I'm sorry for the things that I may have done or said that were hurtful or unpleasant to you or your family. I hope that this move will be something wonderful for you as terrifying or difficult as it may or may not be. Change is always diffucult. I don't know whether you want to be my friend or not but you should know that you will always be mine. That if there is ever anything that you need that I will be ready and willing to help you in anyway I can. You are someone worth the effort and that my caring for or loving you doesn't mean that I want to keep you but that I want all the happiest and best things that life can give to be yours.
Thank you for all the happy an wonderful moments you've shared with me. I'm sorry to see you and your family leave here.
'Miss M'
So now that it's done its too late to take it back. I think I sent it too early though he isn't leaving until the end of July so I have the next month and a half to run into him in the hallways at church and feel awkward. I should have waited.
Eh.............
Oh well..........
I think I'm going to miss him, a little bit, maybe. I'm not sure yet. There's a calmness that comes over me knowing that he's leaving. We'll see if that's really how its going to be.
Miss M
Sunday, June 04, 2006
I make you sick........
I think I'm just a little high strung and stressed out. I think I've been really tired lately because I'm not dealing with the things I need to. I know that I put on a pretty good show for everyone that knows me but I'm basicly depressed and I'm tired because it takes a great deal of effort to pretend not to see what's in front of me. What really bugs is that there really isn't all that much that I should be depressed about. My life is pretty good. All the things I don't like about my life are fixable and changeable. I hate thinking about how pathetic and empty my life feels sometimes. I feel so shallow and useless. The things that I get upset about are childish and silly. I actually have some problems that could really use my attention but its easier to dwell on these stupid and superficial problems.
I made my cat sick. My cat Mickey has been having some health issues and is having some problems with the litter so I took him to the vet yesterday. The vet said he was healthy and fine doing pretty good and said that his potty problems were proobably behavioral and asked if anything was going on at home that might be upseting him. My cats tie into my emotions pretty well. Mickey especially worries about me he always stays close. It made me want to cry that Its more and likely my fault he's acting strange. My stupid meloncholy is making him sick. Its probably my inablity to face things and deal with them head on thats been making me sick as well. Reading the stuff I spew on here makes me nauseous. I can't believe some of the trivial and stupid things I go on and on about. Doesn't it make you sick too?
Grrr........
I'm really going to work hard on changing my attitude and my life. This is all getting so ridiculous. I mean Ex has been gone over a year and Mr. Man and I broke up in January. I should be over these things by now. Whats my problem? Good heavens! I just want to cry at the stupidest things. I feel so stupid. The littlest of things get me sooo upset and I work myself into these girly funks and I want to hide from the world. I really just want to go to sleep for a really long time and hide in my room for a good bit of time. Hopefully I'd reemerge a less stupid person and get over my self and my imaginary problems. I want to be just about anywhere but here. I hate it here, but I don't think it would be different. It would be the same everywhere beecause I would be the same because I haven't changed and I'm not changing. I'm just stagnating and I hate that. I hate feeling like this.
I used to be happy.
I remember being a happy person. I used to feel joy in all things. I had so much hope and gumption. I was fearless. Tenacious. I was a spitfire. People say I'm still all these things and I'm sure that for the most part I am, but at night I'm alone with myself. Alone with this sad, tired and heartbroken woman who feels like a child lost, wandering this gigantic world all by myself. I hate being alone. But the kindof man that I want wouldn't want the girl that I am right now. I'm not a good enough person solo so I won't be much use in a partnership. And that's what I wnat is a partnership and it wouldn't be fair of me to rely on someone else for my sole happiness. That has to come from with in before I'm much use to anyone else. But In the same breathe it would be so nice to have someone to lean on right now. Not just figuratively but actually lean on them. It would be nice to just sit close to someone and lay my head on their shoulder and close my eyes and breathe it all in and then cry it all out. To have someone else carry the load for awhile and deal with life for a bit while I gather my strength. It would be wonderful to have someone to care for again. I miss that I miss having another warm body laying next to me in the dark. Even though Ex was terrible there was comfort in knowing that when I reached out in the stillness that his warmth would be there and sometimes he was something good and he'd lift me up and protect me from the world, from myself. He saw in me something that no one else saw. I miss loving and being loved. I don't miss him. I sometimes miss Mr. Man. (Those sometime are getting farther and farther apart though.) No one else has ever made me feel so taken care of, respected and cherished as I felt when I was with him. Our relationship was flawless while we dated. It wasn't until until he decided he was done that it turned into something so heartwrenching. Which is the way it always goes I guess. I still don't know why he broke up and its basicly been a nightmare since.
I'm really getting sick of other people's decisions affected my life so dramaticlly. They make a unilateral stupid decision and I'm left with the consequences and they go off unscathed. I'm getting a little tired of cleaning up the mess that others have caused. It shouldn't be this complicated. Love is a simple thing. We, as people, are the idiots that make it complicated. It wasn't meant to be this hard.
Miss M
I made my cat sick. My cat Mickey has been having some health issues and is having some problems with the litter so I took him to the vet yesterday. The vet said he was healthy and fine doing pretty good and said that his potty problems were proobably behavioral and asked if anything was going on at home that might be upseting him. My cats tie into my emotions pretty well. Mickey especially worries about me he always stays close. It made me want to cry that Its more and likely my fault he's acting strange. My stupid meloncholy is making him sick. Its probably my inablity to face things and deal with them head on thats been making me sick as well. Reading the stuff I spew on here makes me nauseous. I can't believe some of the trivial and stupid things I go on and on about. Doesn't it make you sick too?
Grrr........
I'm really going to work hard on changing my attitude and my life. This is all getting so ridiculous. I mean Ex has been gone over a year and Mr. Man and I broke up in January. I should be over these things by now. Whats my problem? Good heavens! I just want to cry at the stupidest things. I feel so stupid. The littlest of things get me sooo upset and I work myself into these girly funks and I want to hide from the world. I really just want to go to sleep for a really long time and hide in my room for a good bit of time. Hopefully I'd reemerge a less stupid person and get over my self and my imaginary problems. I want to be just about anywhere but here. I hate it here, but I don't think it would be different. It would be the same everywhere beecause I would be the same because I haven't changed and I'm not changing. I'm just stagnating and I hate that. I hate feeling like this.
I used to be happy.
I remember being a happy person. I used to feel joy in all things. I had so much hope and gumption. I was fearless. Tenacious. I was a spitfire. People say I'm still all these things and I'm sure that for the most part I am, but at night I'm alone with myself. Alone with this sad, tired and heartbroken woman who feels like a child lost, wandering this gigantic world all by myself. I hate being alone. But the kindof man that I want wouldn't want the girl that I am right now. I'm not a good enough person solo so I won't be much use in a partnership. And that's what I wnat is a partnership and it wouldn't be fair of me to rely on someone else for my sole happiness. That has to come from with in before I'm much use to anyone else. But In the same breathe it would be so nice to have someone to lean on right now. Not just figuratively but actually lean on them. It would be nice to just sit close to someone and lay my head on their shoulder and close my eyes and breathe it all in and then cry it all out. To have someone else carry the load for awhile and deal with life for a bit while I gather my strength. It would be wonderful to have someone to care for again. I miss that I miss having another warm body laying next to me in the dark. Even though Ex was terrible there was comfort in knowing that when I reached out in the stillness that his warmth would be there and sometimes he was something good and he'd lift me up and protect me from the world, from myself. He saw in me something that no one else saw. I miss loving and being loved. I don't miss him. I sometimes miss Mr. Man. (Those sometime are getting farther and farther apart though.) No one else has ever made me feel so taken care of, respected and cherished as I felt when I was with him. Our relationship was flawless while we dated. It wasn't until until he decided he was done that it turned into something so heartwrenching. Which is the way it always goes I guess. I still don't know why he broke up and its basicly been a nightmare since.
I'm really getting sick of other people's decisions affected my life so dramaticlly. They make a unilateral stupid decision and I'm left with the consequences and they go off unscathed. I'm getting a little tired of cleaning up the mess that others have caused. It shouldn't be this complicated. Love is a simple thing. We, as people, are the idiots that make it complicated. It wasn't meant to be this hard.
Miss M
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