Life in Transition

At the beginning of the month I bought a plane ticket to Phoenix so that I could surprise Tiger for his birthday. I've kept my trip a secret from him until a couple days ago when he guessed that I was coming. So now he knows and now he's giddy beyond giddy. He's very excited to have me come out there again. I leave January 31 and I'll be gone for a week. I'm really excited. This will be my last vacation for awhile at least. I probably won't be able to go again until after my dad dies. So I very much want to take advantage of his reasonable good health and see Tiger again before I can't anymore. The idea that I'll be coming back to basically help my dad finish his dying process is depressing. I think I'll need this time with Tiger to rejuvenate my energy so I'll be able to do all I'll need to do for my dad. Right now I don't have much left for anyone. I'm grumpy and tired all the time. I don't want to spend any time with my friends and I don't want to be around people I just want to hide in my room and talk to Tiger for a little bit before I fall asleep. Everyone else takes too much effort from me to deal with them right now and I don't like that. I shouldn't feel like my friends are irritating but they are for some reason. This trip is very important to me. I'm glad that Tiger knows now. Its fun to be giddy with him. Everything else seems so hard and he makes life seem so easy and carefree. He always seems to know what to say to me or when to be quiet and endure the insanity that is me. Tiger does a wonderful job of reassuring me and loving me.

Life is changing in so many different ways. Each transition affords new oppurtunities for growth and new undertanding of whats to be learned from this life. I feel like I'm in the middle of a huge transition from the life I'm familiar with to the life I deserve. Its kindof scary.


Miss M

This post was originally meant to be much longer but lots of things happened when I was writing it but I thought I would post it anyway even though to me it's unfinished. 3/22/07

The End is Near

My dad had an appointment with his doctor today. It didn't go very well. He's lost 14 pounds in the last two weeks. The chemo isn't very effective and they won't give it to him right now anyway because he's losing weight too fast. They're going to get him a feeding tube. He's now also on some seriously strong pain medicines in the form of a patch and a liquid. They hope to help with quality of life but that there is no hope for any sort of remission at this point.

How am I suppose to react to that? How does someone cope with that sort of news? Its not even happening to me directly so I can't even imagine what my dad is going through.

Miss M