Jittery

I am so tired. I'm generally exhausted all of the time. So going to sleep at night should be no problem, right? Nope. Its a huge problem. I love my bed. Love it. It's fantastic. Its comfy it's just the right temperature, the perfect blankies and pillows the most wonderful kitties to keep me company but yet, no sleep. Wonderful bed, no sleep.

Grrr....grr. Blah!

This blows. I'm all jittery. My mind is racing a million miles an hour and I can't focus on just one thing it jumps around and is going crazy. I really don't have much to think about either. I mean I do but most of it is out of my hands and I have no control over any of it so its completely pointless to think about. I can't sit still. My leg is all jumpy, every time I lay down I want to get up and move. I want to talk to someone but I don't want to put in the effort of calling anyone nor do I have any idea who I could talk to. I have a good idea of who I want to talk to and who I really shouldn't talk to. I have a many conversations I wish I could and were having because I'm sure I'd sleep better once I got it out of my system.

Mr. Man called me yesterday. For no good reason. He called to find out where we were meeting for singles. I had just given him three months worth of activities all of which have time and places for all our activities including yesterday's. It was an unnecessary fact finding phone call. It ended up being the longest phone conversation we've had in months and months. It was fantastic I had to put in no effort he called me and he was the one that did most of the talking. Mr. Man was even trying to help me figure out a couple of my more non personal problems. He inspected my car yesterday. He told me once just before we started dating that he likes to make sure that the cars of the people he cares about are doing ok because it means that the people he cares about are safer. He's inspected my car on a regular basis ever since. After we broke up he did it more slyly so I wouldn't know but yesterday he did it blatantly and smirked when I asked him if he was, in fact, inspecting my car. He tried half heartedly to deny it at first but gave up and admitted it. The list of confusing things goes on and on and on. I flirt with every guy I know on a regular basis they know its harmless, Mr. Man would basically roll his eyes at me and then ignore it. Yesterday I told him I love to watch him walk away and he smiled and then strutted!!! I mean good heavens, What the Crap!?!

Hmmmmm.............

I'm not really sure what's going on here but I am on guard.

He will not side swipe me again. When he liked me the first time around it totally shocked me and I was completely, completely unprepared for the onslaught his affections turned out to be. This time I have to be on my toes and at the top of my game for many reasons. Part of me thinks that Mr. Man might not be aware of what turmoil and upheaval he is causing by his mixed signals and there is a distinct possibility that he does know what he's about and he's intentionally flirting with me. Or a third more precarious cicumstance is he's still unsure of what he wants us to be and he's testing these dangerous waters with a very gunshy and jumpy girl who's more than a little uneasy with the idea of a serious relationship even though its her deepest desire. Mr. Man has no Idea what he may be getting himself into. I might be a bit too much woman for him.

Because and despite of this I'm still left wide awake and exhausted. I'm uber jittery and fidgety. Good gracious I'm tired. I suppose I'll have to deal with all that's going on but it'd be a lot easier if I could sleep through part of it.

*YAWN*

Grrrrrrr..........Silly boys!

Hmmff!!

Oh well.

Miss M

Should I Kick Him or Kiss Him

Mr. Man is bugging me. Ever since tha dance he's been looking at me and talking to me differently. Even other people are starting to notice that he's flirting a bit with me. It's driving me insane. It's terrifying me. I know that I still care about him a great deal but I don't want to be hurt again. We were over at a friend's house and when he was leaving he asked to hug me. Told me to come over to him and he hugged me and not just the quick pat sort of hug but a real one where our bodies mostly touched. Oh he he felt so nice and smelled so good and he smiled at me so big.

I feel sick to my stomach.

This makes me so nervous. I don't like to be confused. I like to know where I stand with people especially with Mr. Man. Our relationship always seems so precarious. I'm afraid that if I push too hard to understand whats happening that he'll run again. And as much as his flirting terrifies me I don't want him to run again. I want him to stay. I am just so frustrated though. I have a tedency to read too much into things so I've been trying to be really careful to stay in reality, but now that others have mentioned it to me my heart seems to want dare to dream. I want to kick him for confusing me but if this is real if he means what hes doing I could almost kiss him. I didn't get to last time. I sortof chickened out. But If we had another chance I'd kick him then I'd kiss him. :)

Miss M

Walking a Lonely Road

I am a confused and tired. I'm tired of being soo confused and frustrated. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of the mess that my life seems to be in. I'm tired of loving people I can't keep. I'm tired of being scared of new opportunities although I seem to rush at them blindly. I'm tired of worrying all the time. I'm tired of everyone else being my main concern instead of fixing the things that I know are damaged within me, because I am broken. I'm damaged and insecure. I'm messed up and frustrated. I can't seem to decide what it is that I need to do and stick with it. It seems to be changing everyday.

I went to a dance yesterday. It was a glorious time I had so much fun, But my emotions seemed to run the gambit. Every emotion possible possessed me at some point and time. Anger, rage, frustration, giddy, Happy, thankful, sad, melancholy, heartache, flirty, coy, lust, love, remorse. heartache, and a Million others. Its amazing to me how I could experience all that and still say I had a wonderful time. My relationships seem to be so complex and I'm not sure if its because they are or because I make them that way. Mr. Man always seems to be on the outskirts of everything. I had such a wonderful time with him at the dance. We danced together several times. It was so much fun. I was fine and happy and I was content with just friends until we danced together the third time. I was teasing him about how me and Captain Doofus felt jipped because the dates we got out of him seemed to be simple and cheap compared to this one date he had with Captain Albino. I was teasing it was all in good fun most of these dates were just for fun and we had talked about them before, but as we swayed to the music with the lights swirling around us he looked at me with eyes that seemed to speak of some pain and some admiration and told me that I had not been jipped. Reminding me without so many words that our dating was different. He wouldn't stop looking at me. He stared at my face seemingly enraptured with it, with me. He looked at me directly and in the eyes. He looked at me in a way that people who are just friends shouldn't look. I talked a mile a minute like I always do when I'm nervous and scared. Unsure of what he was doing and trying to say. It was exhilarating and terrifying. I only have it in me to handle one thing at a time. I had wrapped my head around the friend thing and I was going along with that pretty well but he throws things at me that I don't expect. The Contessa of Quick Wit even informed me that when the Oaf of Doolittle cut in on me and Mr. Man dancing that Mr. Man was very upset and unhappy about The Oaf doing that, interrupting our dance. I don't understand. He does everything he can to remind me of my place and then he pulls crap like that and confuses me. He even seemed to get over excited when the other girls let it slip that I had an interest in one of the other guys that was coming. He didn't like that I wouldn't tell him and even brought it up again today when I saw him. Mr. Man frustrates me.

I did see the guy I was hoping to see. I'll call him Mr. Iowa. I've seen him before at a few other dances I talked about him in another post he was the DDR guy I danced with. I was impressed with him then and then I ran into him again when I went to that conference with Mr. Man and the other girl from church. He was great there too. I got his phone number when I was up there but I've been too chicken to call. He remembered me and I suppose hit on me a little or at least did some pretty good flirting. I did a good job of it with him I returned the flirting beautifully and we are already planning to see each other in June for the Dance that I'm planning for my Stake. I really had a good time with him and I can't wait to see him again. I think I have a bit of a crush on him and that terrifies me. I have a really hard time with this dating stuff. Its no big deal when it doesn't mean anything but If I see any sort of real possibilities I turn tail. I'm terrified for "normal" people to see how screwed up that I feel I am. I don't want to be opened to more hurt because Ex and Mr. Man are still getting to me and I don't need Mr. Iowa or anyone else for that matter screwing with me. I seem to be a delicate balancing act as it is and I don't need one more imaginary emotional issue to deal with.

On top of my idiot girliness I always seem to have going on, because I'm an idiot girl, other more serious things are adding themselves to my already overwhelming life. I need to see a doctor. I have something going on that is very similar to what I've had before and it could be no big deal or it could be something rather serious if I try to ignore it. Financial issue with my health care and in general are getting there moment on my mind's stage. I'm just barely getting out of the mess that Ex created with my spineless help. I have some but not all of that debt paid off and its getting better all the time but if my health issue is what it is that I think that it is than its going to be very very expensive. I also have no more health insurance with my new job. I have wonderful wonderful friends and I cherish them so much and I'm so happy to have them but I still feel very much alone. I want to be sad and I don't want them to see. I want to be scared but I have to be strong. I don't like them to see that my faith is not as strong as it should be. I know. I know that everything is going to be okay and that eventually I'm going to have everything that I want and I'll get to that place that I want to be in in life. I know this but in the mean time while my life is catching up to my hopes and prayers I'm feeling overwhelmed and underqualified to handle all the millions of difficulties that seem to continue to come at me. I know what it is that I need to do to get all the things that I need and want out of life but they seem so far away and unattainable sometimes. I feel pelted and injured and gun shy from all that's come at me in the last year.

Next Saturday will be exactly one year since I put Ex on a bus to Utah. When I look back I have no idea how I did it. It was so much and it was so hard. I felt like I was going to going to cry forever so I guess every once and awhile isn't so bad. Things are getting better and compared to that with a little perspective what's happening right now isn't so bad. It just feels that way. I just feel like I'm walking a very hard and difficult road all by myself, but my road isn't really as hard as it seems to be sometimes and its only lonely because I forget to look around and see that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me so very much and has provided everything I need to help me travel life's treacherous road including an elder Brother who went before me and shows me the way, shows all of us a way to make it through the thorns and everything else. He's already cleared the way and helps us carry our burdens. I just need the faith to believe that this isn't really the lonely road that it feels like. And as always tomorrow is always better. I just need to breath.

Miss M

I Don't Need to Know you Love Me

I wish that I could just hate him. It would make things so much easier, But I can't. I don't have it in me to hate Ex. I should and I would have cause and he would have it coming. I was doing so good. I ignored several of his calls trying to protect myself from him, from the memories of him. I was so stupid to answer the phone. I said hello and he said, "You know I still love you, right?" Curse him. Curse him and his empty declarations. Curse the memory of him. Curse it all. I hate this. Why am I such a stupid girl? I know better. I know it isn't true. I know. I understand what he really means. He loves the idea of me. He loves what I was able to give him for so long, a chance to be normal, a chance to belong, a chance to be loved sweetly and unconditionally. A moment in the sunshine and warmth of a supposed angels innocent love for him, him who was so dark and lost and broken. To be loved when he felt so unlovable is what he misses, not me. I don't think he really knows me because if he did he wouldn't have been able to hurt me like he did. If he knew me as I really am he wouldn't have been able to walk away. I was too abstract to him, too much of an idea, a temporary fantasy. He had his moments where I think he really loved me, but it wasn't in him to let it last. Love as sweet and wonderful as it is, is a scary thing because it demands so much. It requires so much. I think its worth the price but he didnt' have what it takes to pay the price so he's left with wishes and rememberings. Vapors of what it really could've been. I'm left with all the wonderful things and all the very terrible things with perfect remebering. He is unable to recall all that happened so he isn't haunted by it all. He sees us as he wants to be and nothing more. Curse it all.

I don't need to know he loves me but I want to keep it. I'm afraid of what will happen if I forget. If he forgets what I was to him. That's a hurt I don't think I'm ready to inflict on myself but I need to. I have to. I need to walk away. No, I need to run away. I can't let him get to me. I don't need him to remember what I once had and was. I do a good enough job of torturing myself I don't need his help. I don't need him, but I'm still looking behind me as I slowly walk away from him. I'm not really sure what I'm waiting for. There is no miracle behind me that'll fix the mess I've made of my life, of my head. I feel broken and watching behind at Ex won't change that. I need to look ahead, but I'm not sure how because the future sometimes looks as bleak and hopless as the past.

Miss M

Emotional Vomit and Irritation

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I couldn't have asked for a better day. It turned out much much better than I thought that it would. I was really scared that it was going to be a horrible day. There were a few bumbs but not major ones. I've decided that I have just the greatest group of friends. They have been so fantastic. It was such a gret day. Everything went pretty smooth for the most part. I didn't get the cool indifference that I feared I would. In fact he was marvelous. It was like minnesota all over again. We even played Truth again. Captain Doofus rode with Mr. Man and I and admitted to me that she finally understanads why I like him so much. Mr. Man is a completly different person when other people are around he's very very serious to the point of almost being a jerk and very cold and indifferent. The girls in my gang don't really care for him too much because of that. I'm about the only one who actually enjoys being with him and spending time with him, but he usually acts different with me. Before we broke up I didn't know he was this uber serious guy so when he reverted back to that after us I thought he was acting that way because of me. I just didn't realize that was his natural state of being. Figuring that out has made such a difference.

As wondeful as yesterday was I'm feeling a little irritated, mostly with myself. I'm very much tired of this whole situtation. I'm tired of being stuck here, of being stuck in this loop of stupidty and weirdness with Mr. Man. I feel stagnate and useless. I spew pathetic and desperate sounding emotional vomit which makes me look shallow and childish. I really really want to tell Mr. Man what I think of him. I want to tell him how much he pisses me off and how irritating his by the book attitude is when there's soooo much more to life than following the rules. Especially rules that no one else dispensed but yourself, rules that are misguided and eroneous. He is self inflicting alot of the reasons why he feels lonely. I've had a glimpse of how he can be, how he is suppose to be naturally and if he behaved that why more often then he'd have to beat friends away with a stick. He would be the flame that draws so many to his personal sphere because he's burning so brightly with charm and wit and genuine concern for the people around him. It irritates me that I even care so much as to worry about all this crap. This isn't my problem I shouldn't devote so much of my personal energies to him. He shouldn't be worth it to me, but everytime I get close to writing him off and moving on something in my gut whispers that there is something more to be done with him. So hence I trudge onward though this nasty mess of emotional vomit and irritaion,but If I have to continue with this I need to start figure our a different appoach and cleaning up the mess because the stench is getting to me.

Miss M

Crying in the Stillness

I really, really dislike crying. It's a terrible and difficult thing for me to do. Which seems odd because I seem to do it quite frequently. Not so much anymore but still alot more than I'd care to. I don't like being that vulnerable. I especially hate how someone else can effect me so dramaticly. I shouldn't let him but he still does. I talked to Ex yesterday. He's called me a couple of times and emailed me but I just didn't have time to talk. So I was stupid enough to call him. I wanted to make sure he was alright. I'm terrified that one day I'll ignore him and that the next I'll get a call that he killed himself.

Usually when we talk its just chit chat, catching the other up on the mundane and pointless things of life, but lately he finds it necessary to tell me how much he still loves me. I was his entire world. I know everything there is to know about him. I can still tell him what he's about to say before he can say it and what he's thinking that he thinks I don't know. I am the only person to understand him, to love him and to care about him despite everything. I hate that I still love to hear him say he loves me, that a part of me needs to know that someone used to think I was great and still does. That I was someone's whole universe that he loved and needed me desperatly and that even though his new lover is just in the other room he can't help but tell me he misses me. When he talks to me like this it reminds me of how awfully alone I feel. It reminds me that no one else feels so inclined to love me or see or care or talk to me or listen to me. No one else wants to be with me. I was close but I was lacking something, apparently, because he didn't care enough to stay. I laid in my bed listening to Ex tell me all these beautiful things, reminding me of all of our happiest times and thinking of how I ache to be loved. That I miss all the wonderful things that come with being with someone. Tears slowly rolled down my cheek as I thoght about a million different things at once and feeling my heart cry out for someone to see me in the stillness and save me from myself. I hate how in the darkenss I need so desperatly to be loved and honored and cherished. I'm listening to Ex prattle on and on about how life was so great when we were together and I wanted to scream. I wanted him to feel my anger and my hurt. If I was so freaking wonderful than why the hell did he leave? Why didn't he fight harded to keep me if I was so great and beautiful? Why not be kinder and gentler and sweeter to me so I wouldn't cry all the time? I was furious but so desperate to believe that someone did love me, could love me and wants to love me. There isn't anyone else who'll tell me those things. But I need someone who will love me. Who will hear me cry in the stillness and hold me tighter because he can't help but protect me even if its from my own demons. I want there to be sweetness in my life not lonely, bitter, sad and desperate tears under the cover of darkness and shame.

Its awuful having so many things like this inside of me at once. I hate it. I hate that he still does this to me and I let him. I hate that I can't let him go and walk away that I still feel a little guilty and responsible. I hate that this Saturday would've been our Anniversay. I hate thinking about it, wondering what might have been if we had stayed together. Would we be happy at all or even more miserable. I would've missed out on all of the wonderful things that have happened lately, but I wouldn't be alone. I can't decide half the time which is worse, a half wondeful life with him or a wonderful happy life, alone. It's yet to be determined in my mind if I deserve to be loved again.

Saturday the singles and I are going to the temple. I picked that day on purpose so I wouldn't be able to sit at home and torture myself with thoughts of Ex. I didn't want to spend the whole day laying in bed and succombing to the bitter and regret 1filled tears I'd have shed all by myself. I worry about something else though. I'm going to be in a place where I feel Heavenly Father's Love the strongest. I can almost garuntee that I'll cry still, I just don't want my freinds to see. Mr Man will be about the only one who'll understand. He's the only one who knows what significance this day holds for me. He promised he'd be extra nice to me but what if he forgets. For this day alone I almost wish we were still together because he would've taken care of me. He'd of been sweet and undestanding like he always was. He'd of made it okay. He was so gentle and kind when it came to stuff like this. Mr. Man some how understands this part of me, the sad, strange and vulnerable parts that no one else but he and Ex have seen. I'm afraid that as I cry in the peacful stillness of this holy place that he will forget his promise and be indifferent. I'm not sure which'll hurt worse my memories or unfeeling coolness.

Miss M

Road Trips and Honesty

I had every intention of writing about my great and wonderful weekend trip. A lovely report of the good times I had with my friends and with the people I met but I've decided not to. Maybe later....sometime. I'm not sure yet. This blog seems to be a platform for what's on my mind and the things that affect me. My trip had a huge impact but not the destination. The impact came from the drive home. I had the best time. I haven't felt so content and happy and blissful in a long time. Long before Ex left and not really since, until yesterday. I had gone to this conference with Mr. Man and another girl who just newly joined our church. She's been a member about a month and had never experienced anything like one of our conferences before and had so much fun and was so exhausted that she pooped out for the ride home. She slept for over half of the way so that just left Mr. Man and I to talk. We talked non stop the entire way home and we were so engrossed in the conversations that we'd go through the CDs a few times before we'd realize they had started over several times. The topics and discussions ranged from the normal, to deep and intimate, to ridiculous, to weird, to delightful and heavenly. It flowed so effortlessly and wonderfully. I knew alot about him already and he knew alot about me but we still managed to surprise each other. We played a game called Random Factoid for most of the first half of the drive. You play by saying the first random fact that comes to mind about yourself when it was your turn. It made for some pretty funny stories and for "Aa haa" moments, moments where something about them finally fell into place in your perception of them and they made just little bit more sense. We laughed alot. I almost cried a couple of times. I apologized alot because I behaved rather shamefully the night before on Saturday. He readily forgave me but felt better once I explained what was going on with me. He had been a little comcerned.It was strange that he was worried, but interesting. Ex had called my cell a couple times and that made me sensitive and weird. He's so far away and still manages to upset things sometimes. I was very short and cross with Mr. Man on Saturday. I felt terible that I was so unfair to him. I was punishing him for what Ex does and basicly picking a little fight. Mr. Man handled it well. He has always done well with my weirdness, but he said he understood alot more after I explained what happened on the way home. Towards the end of the trip we ran out of random factoids so we played "Truth or Dare minus the Dare because we were in a car" so we just asked each other questions about the other. It was enlightening to say the least. That drive was wonderful. His face was almost radiant he was smiling so much. He looked all spiffy with his sunglasses and church clothes. The sunlight spilled into the car in such a magical way. It was heavenly. He was heavenly and I was as close to normal as I've been in a long time. We were enjoying it all so much that he parked a half a a block away from my house and we just kept talking. We parked for awhile and it wasn't even my idea. It was wonderful to be able to talk so candidly like we used to.

Everything is back to normal now. Its a little bit better of a normal but that's okay. I'm happy to be his friend. It is enough for now. I doubt that it could ever be what it was. I just wish I knew what to do. I'm so unsure of my standing with him because it seems to change with every moment. I was glad for our time in the sun, but I doubt that he'll let it last.

Miss M

I Wanna Make Sense

I'm coming to terms with and to the conclusion that I'm just really screwed up. I think I'm screwed up for several reasons. Mostly for the fact that I'm pretty sure I was just born weird and strange, but everything that's gone on in the last few years just seems to have accentuated that and then this last year has just brought it all to the surface for everyone else to see more obviously. Every insecurity and moment of strangeness seems on display for everyone to see, but it makes no sense to anyone but me because I'm the only one who knows why and how they came to be there. To everyone else I just look crazy.

In this exact moment my heart hurts and I sortof want to cry but not really. Ex is haunting me and the memory of him is stuck inside my head like a nightmare and daydream stuck together in a loop. I watch him, us, over and over again. Then my head decides to be really mean and throw in more recent hurts and happinesses. It makes it quite the swirl of murky and sludgy memories and emotions. Mostly its my ex. I'm started to see and actually recall the exact moments in time where he changed me and injured me in profound and possibly permanent ways. Certain things trigger it too. Like the song I'm listening to and torturing myself with right now. It brings to mind a particularly potent memory from a day or two before Ex and I separated. It was one of his favorite groups and his absolute favorite singer. I won't tell you exactly the song to spare you remembering this when you hear it next. It was the last time things were okay and the last moment before everything crumbled around me and my life was ripped away from me. He and I had been having a rough last little bit. His illness was really catching up to him and he didn't make much sense and he'd strike out verbally with out much cause. Saying horrible and awful things to me just to watch me cry. I was sitting in our living room I don't remember what I was doing but I was thinking about what might be coming. He had been in our spare room where he spent most of his time. The stereo was in there and his music was his life line. It was the only voices besides mine that made sense to him. He would spend all day in there. This day in particular he'd already been in there for hours . I felt lonely like I almost always did and wishing he'd be normal just long enough to talk to me for a while. Almost as soon as that thought came to my mind he came rushing out of the room and took me by the hands and pulled me into the room. He was glowing with excitement and happiness and wonder. This song had just started to play and he was telling me how much he loved it and then he stopped and noticed the faraway and sad look in my eyes. He looked into me for a moment then pulled me close and put his forehead to mine with our faces close together and he whispered, "Everything will be okay. You'll find someone better than me." I started to cry as I realized it would all be over soon. That this might be it. He was almost gone from me, he was falling deeper into a place where I couldn't go and where he wouldn't let me follow because he loved me too much to let me go into the that darkness with him. He put his fingers into my hair and breathed me in in an attempt to remember and take my love with him. He kissed me softly at first and then deeper and richer and full of every great moment and ounce of love we had ever shared. He held me close and began to sway to this beautiful and haunting song. Whispering gentle comfort into my ear. Telling me he loved me. His hands touching and caressing me ever so slowly and softly. We went to bed that night in love and passion and the next night he and his mental illness struck the last and fatal blow. I had had enough and I packed his bags and he was on a bus to Utah the morning after. It was awful. He was begging me to forgive him, to not send him away that he needed me and that he'd surely die with out me. I rushed around our home making sure I was packing everything I could fit in that he loved and needed. He followed me in a panic trying to convince me that he would do better that he'd find the job and take the medicine and do the counseling, but I couldn't do it. It was one more lie and one more manipulation. I loved him too much to watch him kill himself in his darkness and sadness and eternal sorrow. I was dying everyday having to listen to how much I was worthless one moment and then how wonderful I was the next. I knew I wasn't going to survive much longer in these conditions and that one day soon I wouldn't recognize myself anymore and my life would be darkness just like his and we'd both be lost forever. I cried for days after I watched his bus drive away. I couldn't look at his stuff and I shoved it all in his closet. I took everything that reminded me of him and hid it away where I couldn't see. On my worst days and in my worst moments I would open the door and sit there and cry and cry till I fell asleep or laid there in my pitiful sorrow waiting for morning.

Its hard to fathom what that sortof thing does to someone. What it did to me. I can't even see the parts of me I lost to Ex. I see the strength I've gained and the testimony I developed as I relied and leaned on my Heavenly Father to get me through my own struggle with the intoxicating darkness and the abyss of sorrow I had sunk into. I have gained many wonderful characteristics and attributes from my pitted and nearly emotionally fatal past. I also have many wonderful memories of our love and our life. Its such a complex mix of things to be inside one person. Half happiness half stinging memories and so many wonderful opportunities possibilities in front of me for better days. It only makes sense to me, all my weirdness, all my strangeness, all my spazing oddness. I wanna make sense to someone else. I want someone else to get it. I want him to see me through the cloud of this enigma and love me anyway. But I suppose the question lies in who would battle all my imagined dragons and save this lost princess in the tower. Is anyone really up to the challenge? Am I the one who's making it impossible for some one else to love me?

Miss M

The Worst Kindof Girl

I consider my self to be somewhat level headed with normal spaz out moments, but lately I feel like one big weirded out spaz freak in the most girlie sortof way. Things are getting better a little bit at a time with Mr. Man, but I'm still acting like an idiot. I sway form one extreme to the other. One minute I think he's fantastic and the next I want to kick him really really hard. Worst of all I deny my eloquence and become a rambling, stumbling, foot in mouth oaf when ever I'm around him or talk about him. I read way to many things into our almost nonexistent conversations. I get way too emotional too. I'm uber sensitive to everything he does and says and also what his family says. Everything is blown way out of proportion and I'm not thinking clearly and I've become an idiot girl pining for an idiot boy. I'm smarter than this. I know better. Stupid boys shouldn't have this much effect on me. Grr. I feel like I've become the worst kind of girl, but at least I've recognized the disease and have time to stop it. I don't want to be totally lost into air head world. I swear I have more substance than that even if I'm not currently acting like I do. I'm just glad he's still talking to me despite my crazy girlieness. He actually tolerates me quite well considering my temporary loss of sanity. I suppose its because he's temporally insane too.

Miss M

Emails and Normalcy

I can't believe the things I do sometimes. I was getting ready to go to work this morning and I had the 'brilliant' idea to email Mr. Man in an effort to continue on the goodness from yesterday. It wasn't that spectacular of an email but it seemed like a good idea, but all day I was thinking, "Stupid, stupid, stupid." I mean what in the world was I thinking. Our relationship is shaky at best. I felt like I probably screwed up and pushed too hard and moved our friendship back to nonexistent again. I was so afraid I'd come home and check my email and I'd have an email from him telling me off and what not, or the absolute worst no response at all. Disappointment all over again and barely healed wounds ripped open, again. I feared terrible consequences to my idiocy, but miracle of miracles Mr. Man wrote back. Not only did he write back but it was a perfectly wonderful simple easy going email. He told me he didn't mind emails and that he in fact liked them. He talked about some of the things I said in my email and then told me about his day. And typical guy he was wondering what he was going to have for dinner. He even joked with me a bit. It was great. It was normal. Even more normal than yesterday. It was spectacular. It made me so happy. I'm very glad that he understands my idiocy and gets what I'm trying to do and even if he doesn't he sure does a good job of dealing with me. That's probably why I like him so much. Its good to have open communication with him its much better than the usual cool and indifferent attitudes from before. I'm liking emails and normalcy. I can handle that, happily.

Miss M

Breathing Easy

It's the hardest thing for me to feel buggered and confused. I hate things being uncalm. Mr. Man makes me feel very much unsure and frustrated. I never know where I stand with him. Tonight I had to stop and see his sister and I saw Mr. Man but he disppeared into his room at the first oppertunity. It really bothered me because Monday it really seemed like we were on our way to being back to normal. He talked with me and teased with me which was huge because he hadn't done that since before we broke up. I thought everything was finally getting better until tonight when he disappeared. I had a good time with his sister and Buttman. (They're engaged now by the way) It was a nice visit and it was good to see the both of them so happy. Mr. Man's mom even seemed happy to see me which was weird because for the most part I feel like she hates me. All and all it was a good night but it really bothered me that Mr. Man was acting like such a doofus. So on my way home I called him. I got his voice mail. I left a message which I hate doing but. I was very frustrated. I needed to be heard whether he wanted to talk to me or not. I said something along the lines of:

" ' Mr. Man' Do you really dislike me so much that you have to hide from me? Have I done something so terrible that you can't even be in the same room as me? If so then tell me so I can apoligize. If you were busy that's one thing but it felt like you were avoiding me and I'm not sure what I've done to make you hate me so much. Call me back and talk to me. I'd really like to know and to talk to you about this. Please."

I doubted that he would call me back but he did. I was still driving home and we talked so long that I sat in my car in front of my house talking to him. It felt really good to be honest with him to get a few answers from him. He didn't say hi when he called back. I answered and he said

"Its not you, that isn't the reason"
"Are you sure?"
"It's not you"
"Hmmm..."

We ended up having a really good exchange. I feel much better after talking to him and having him respond and answer and clarify. We both agreed that we're not really sure what to do with the other. That this was all so strange and weird. I said how there's no compartment in my head for him that I felt like a little kid with one of those balls with the different shaped holes and that I keep trying to shove him in the wrong hole, that he just doesn't fit anywhere. And that I was frustrated. He agreed and said how he was just as confused by me. We've come to an interesting agreement and we're going to see if it works. I'm very glad for this turn of events. I hope I'm starting to get my friend back. A friend that I've missed terribly.

My heart's uncleanched a bit now and I feel like I can breath a little easier. It is by no means fixed but at least we've opened the lines of communication and I'm happy for that. By the end of the conversation we were just chatting and talking about other things besides our weird relationship. It wasn't all one sided either. Mr. Man seemed concerned about what was going on in my life and how I've been. It was nice. Strange but nice. I'm breathing easy and I hope it stays that way.

Miss M

Patty Fingers and Roller Skating

Ever since the dance I've been thinking about Minnesota. He is a fantastic guy. We would have so much fun together with all of our friends. I've just been recalling good times and happy moments which is always so great to do. Its a snowball effect. You start with one memory which leads to another and another and soon you got a wonderful buzz going on. A delightful euphoria of nostaglia. I've been wandering down memory lane for a while now ever since I saw him again so unexpectedly, and my mind always starts with the same moment in time.

When I was ninteen I had decided it was time to head out into the big bad world. I wanted to go to Russia but my mom just about had a stroke so we argued a little and I decided that just about anywhere was better than here so I set my sights on Utah. My friends here were mournful of my leaving and they had a going away party for me at our local roller rink. I Love to roller skate. I don't get a chance to do it very often but its great fun. Whenever I think of Minnesota I immeadiately think of roller skating. Because he was there at this party. We all had so much fun. Roller rinks are all about the same. Dimly lit, thumping music, disco lights, a general of smell of cornchips and stale popcorn and silly games and traditions. And always, always a couple skate. You weren't allowed to be on the skating floor unless you were holding someone's hand. I was crushing on Minnesota hard core back then so when he skated up to me looking all fine and asked me to skate I thought I was in heaven. What a moment. We held hands and went circles around the rink while listening to cheesy love songs. We laughed at our lacking roller skating skills but the most important thing is he held my hand. It was glorious. It was fantastic. Not only was I about to embark on one of the greastest adventures of my life but I finally got the attention of my crush and he was looking only at me.

Saturday I went with my family to visit my nieces, my brother and his wife. My oldest niece who I call Stinky had a birthday party at the roller rink to go to. Oh it brought back so many wonderful memories. I immeadiatly thought of Minnesota because whenever I think of roller skating I think of him. They even had a couples skate while I was there. This little boy that goes to preschool with my niece skates up and says " 'Stinky' Come skate with me" It was so adorable. She had such a hard time she hasn't skated very often yet. At the end when they were clearing the floor she was moving so slow that the rink attendant had to go rescue her because she was the only one left out there. She was moving her feet but hardly going anywhere. She had such a good time. She said she didn't even mind falling.

I love roller skating. I love the memories it brings to me when I think of it. Soon I'll have partner to walk down nostalgia lane. Minnessota coming in a few weeks to visit. He called late the other night to make sure I had the weekend off before he booked his flight. I am so excited. I love having things to look forward to. It'll be nice to visit and remember and recall all the wonderful times we had together with our friends. He'll remember things I may have forgotten or remember them differently. It'll be good times.

Miss M

Speechless

I don't really have a whole lot to say. Nothing profound has been thought or experienced. No amazing moments, but yet I can't seem to stay silent. I feel burrowed in a mood and state of mind and its very hard to describe but I'm not sure what's illiciting it. Its not really a good mood nor a bad one. Hmmm.......

MissM

Afraid of the Dark

I have a wonderful life when you look at it in the glaring light of day. Things aren't perfect by any means but I'm generally happy and I have a great family and a group of friends that are becoming more and more important to me every day and a best friend that I can go days with out talking to but who still isn't afraid to tell me what he thinks of me. I have a church and a faith and a testimony that I cherish. I've worked really hard to get my life to this point where things are good and looking better all the time. But I'm still afraid of the dark. Not in a childhood monsters under the bed way, but in a more grown up I can't quiet the monsters in my head way. I work at a very physically demanding job and at night I'm more than tired enough to fall asleep instantly, but I can't. I'm haunted in the darkness by my past, by the future and by my fears and secrets. I had three very distinct dreams last night after I was restless and fitful for a good while before I finally did fall asleep to have these dreams. I'm not sure of the exact details anymore but the subjects have me buggered.

The first dream was about my best friend in high school. His family immigrated here from Albania and they have a restaurant on the outskirts of our school district. We met on the first day of English Freshman year and were inseparable after that. The dream itself wasn't all that spectacular sortof strange actually but it got me think about him again and I hadn't in a long time. I think we cared about each other deeply but were too afraid to admit it. He is Muslim and his older brother had an arranged marriage so I think he had resigned himself to that fate. We had one standing date every year for after prom and a special dance our senior year. They were always wonderful times together. Also our school used to sell things for the holidays that you could have delivered to your friends during school. Lollipops dressed as ghosts for Halloween, green carnations for St. Patrick's day, roses for Valentines, balloons and what not for what ever. I got something from him every time. He never in all four years missed a single one. I of course crushed on him always but didn't think he ever felt the same, but now as I look back on it today, I realized that he loved me the best he could within the bounds of his family and his traditions. He was a fantastic friend.

The second dream stared my last boyfriend in high school. It was very short lived I think a week or so, but we pretty much made out as much as possible before I realized, what the hell am I doing. So the dream was basically what we did best together, making out. He was one of the best kissers I ever had the privilege of smooching so that was kindof fun to remember.

The third dream was about someone that I'm trying my darndest to forget and move on from but he seems to always be in my face. In the dream Mr. Man and I was in a book store or library and we were whispering to each other. I don't remember what it was we were talking about exactly but I was making a heated point about something but all he did was smile and look at me and kept talking about the books around us. I kept on trying to pick a fight but he thwarted every effort until his charm won me over and we were laughing. I woke up to us sitting on the floor between the shelves having a happy and lively discussion about a book we had read. I also woke up pissed off a bit, because I don't want him in my head anymore. Mr. Man has gotten under my skin and its really starting to get on my nerves and now even my dreams aren't safe from him and his searching eyes. Grrr.

I also woke up to recollect that in real life Ex is missing. His new lover and his mother have no idea where he is. Last night the lover called me in a panic asking where Ex used to go when he did this before. I told them what I could but I was furious that the lover wanted to kick him out of their apartment as soon as he was found. My old protective feelings reemerged for a moment and it took everything I had not to yell at them. Ex is crazy. He needs someone to love him and take care of him and protect him and he doesn't need one more person in his life to abandon him and then my gut sank as I realized that I had done the same. I had abandoned him and left him at the mercy of the wolves of this world with out the protection of me or my love. I was the same monster that I had wanted to yell at. I have now added one more horrific thought to the monsters in the darkness.

My head is swirling from all of this. My dreams have me buggered and trudging through so many memories of the past that have produced uneasy and unsure feelings. My heart in the darkness is still loyal to Mr. Man when everything else I have inside me screams out for me to kick him. And to add icing to this disgusting cake, Ex is missing and I'm reliving in a very small and minute degree the guilt my councilor and I have been working months on to remedy regarding the divorce. The old monsters are also all waiting in the wings for me to pull them on stage again to tell me lies about me, myself, and I. To make me doubt and question my every thought, action and decision; past present and future. I think way too much, obviously. I remind myself every day to breathe. To find my inner strength, faith and resolve and to let it wash over my tired and haggard soul with very breath I take. I have it together in the warmth and sunshine of the day but the night time likes to haunt me and I let it. I dread sleep, the process the restlessness and the dreams that stir things that I really don't want stirred. I'm afraid of the dark.

Miss M

Unwanted

I saw it coming but it didn't make it any better. I knew Buttman wasn't going to show up. How depressing it is to be bummed about being stood up for a date I didn't really want it the first place. I just wanted a distration to save my self from my own self loathing and pity. It was my first Valentine's Day since Ex left I knew it would be hard and it was. I asked Buttman to do something so I wouldn't be able to sit at home and wallow. I would've asked someone I really wanted to be with but there's slim pickings around here. Besides Buttman, Mr. Man is the only other guy and that isn't ever going to happen. It should've but it won't. Even though all this drama and high school crap is going on here and now, my mind is wandering in ages ago. It feels like a lifetime ago. I miss him. He made my life wonderful and beautiful, for a time. I know its good for the both of us that we aren't married or together anymore, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it lately. Ex called me the other day to tell me that I was the love of his life and that he knows he screwed it up and that he'll never find anyone like me again, but that he wanted to apologize for all the things he did to hurt me over the years. He said he never deserved me but that I made him happy and gave him something to be happy for and that I was the only person he's ever loved that there will never be a love like ours ever again. Like a movie in my head I see him. I watch us living and loving together. A million and one things remind me that I was happy once. Even when I relive the bad times its okay because it makes sense to me. I knew how to do that to deal with that. There was a reason. This stuff now with these idiot boys, because boys they are, is wretched and stupid. There is no reason, no excuse, its malice and ignorance. Its pretty sad for them that the schizophrenic ex husband is rating higher in my regard than they are.

I hate being alone. I have too much passion and love to keep it all to myself. I know what it is to love because I have, because I do. Love doesn't end when you sign papers or when you break up. Love lasts forever. It may fade or be forgotten for a time but you will always remember who you have loved they will always occupy a part of your heart no matter how small, its there. Every experience makes your life richer and more beautiful. Every moment when someone else shares your life changes it, refines it, makes it better even if it can't last forever. I don't measure my life in days and years I measure it in periods of love. My family loved me and always loves me but when I was young thats one period of family love. Highschool you love and are loved by your schoolmates. Your early twenties are usually for loving your self and refining who you are and what you need out of life. Later you love someone else a partner and a companion a helpmate. Then you repeat it again with your children. You love them through their young years and you love them when they love no one else but their friends you love them as they dicover themselves and their lives. You love them when they fall in love with their companion and it cycles again and again. When I think about life this way then your whole existence is love. Love for everyone and anyone that passes before your window of experiences in this life. We build relationships that we can take with us into the life to come. An eternity of periods of love with the people we care about most, our families and their families and so on. I want my own family, people to take care of and love and teach and grow with. I feel stuck between two things. It is an unwanted feeling. I want to have a direction a purpose, an outlet for my natural feelings. I feel like I've taken ten steps back in life and that I have to rebuild and also revist a period I had a hard time with. A period where I live only for myself and it feels selfish, petty and empty of meaning. I feel unwanted unneeded unused and under appreciated. I feel selfish and lost. Life is empty without service and I found the most joy in service to the person I share my life with and now there is no one. Just bitter unwanted memories of what went wrong and beautiful tasting things that have gone sour. I want my life to taste like I just brushed my teeth. Clean and fresh, sweet and minty and waiting anxiously for the next thing that will tantilize my senses. To taste the sweetness of life again and be rinsed cleaned of the bitterness that festers there.

Miss M

I Could've Danced all Night

Oh what splendid fun. My singles group drove two hours to go to a Valentines Dance in Iowa on Saturday. It was fantastic. I'm so glad I went because I almost didn't. I was in a funk of a mood and I had gotten hurt at work so I was sore and tired and I just didn't feel up to it, but I had promised to drive so I went. The first hour wasn't too swell because no one had really shown up yet but as more people arrived it got better and better. The setup was great they had awesome floor lights and they had screens projected up on the curtains of the stage so that if you went behind the curtain your sillouette would be dancing in the swirl of colors they had playing. It was very well planned. They started the night out with a game and then later they had a Dance Dance Reveloution dance off. It was amazing. It made me think of my good friend Internet Guy because he's a super big fan of DDR. It was so fun to watch. It was amazing. This one guy was just flying and he was jumping around and using his hands and it was astounding. He hardly ever missed a step. It was amazing to see how fast they could go. They had the game screen projected up for everone to see. It was very cool.

It was such a good night and the greatest thing happened. A good friend of mine from years ago was there. I hadn't seem him in years. He lives in Minnesota now so I'll use that to refer to him. I walked up to him and said,

"I know you. I know, I know you."
He said, "You're from ------ your names 'miss m' isn't it?"
"Yes and you're 'Minnesota' oh my gosh I never thought I'd ever get to see you again."

We just chatted and chatted. Mr. Man was nearby so he was talking with us too and we were catching him up on all the people he had known in our area. It was so great to see him. I used be just over the moon for him when we were in singles together before. He is just as impressive now, if not more so, as he was then. He looked so good and it was so great to see him. We exchanged emails and phone numbers before we left the dance so we can keep up with each other. Which will be great. He wants to come down and visit everyone here. I introduced him to the whole group that came with us. Told them that when I tell stories of the Singles days of yore that he was there. He and I were telling stories about all the things we used to do and the girls were just like wow. Minnesota introduced me to his brother as one of his first friends when he lived in our area, he was so excited about that and that made me feel good. It was just so great to have someone that knew me as I was and could corroborate all my stories. It was fun rehashing some of the glory days.

I love dancing and I got a chance to dance with several people. I danced with a good friend of mine from Iowa that I don't get to see very often and I danced with a couple of new people which was fun they were great. One guy toward the end was really fun to dance with. He really knew how to hold a girl when you danced. He held me like he wasn't afraid of girls and we had a good conversation and laughed. He even hugged me. I was kicking myself all the way home that I didn't ask for his phone number. He was swell. He was one of the DDR guys and I told him how impressive I thought he was. I didn't have to ask anyone to dance except the guys I came with and my friend from Iowa. Its nice not to have to ask. Buttman was okay to dance with. But it wasn't too too exciting. I danced with Mr. Man several times which was so great. In fact it was wonderful. It feels crazy to me that twirling in circles with someone could be so lovely. It made me so happy to have him look at me and talk to me and listen to me. He saw me. I saw him. Its rare to have someone who can do that, who can see you. We were so lost in talking and chatting that I hardly noticed when we danced straight through two songs like it was blinking. It happened without my noticing and it was so natural and easy and I told him that. I told him that I was so glad that he was talking to me that I never thought he would again. I told him that it was great to dance with him that it was easy and comfortable, that it was wonderful and that I was glad that he wanted to. I probably read more into than what was there but I can't help myself. I can't stop thinking about how he looked at me. Mr. Man looked at me as if he was conveying something unspoken but solid. He looked at me like he used to. Its what I felt I saw but I keep wondering if that was what was really there or if it was there only because I wanted it to be. Because I want nothing more than for him to let me love him. I don't think he ever will and thats okay, or at least its getting to be more okay a little at a time. Its easier when I can see other possibilities opening up to me. There are other people that I could be very happy with I just wanted it to be him, to be Mr. Man. I could've danced all night with him and been content just talking to him, hearing what things he had to say. I wish that something that simple didn't have to be so complicated. I want so much that I really could've danced with him all night. I don't like having to wrap my mind around the possiblity that it really might not happen the way it could've. I don't want to get stuck in a daydream but I'm going to just for today. For this moment I'll think about him and his arms and his eyes, my illusions of love and romance and we'll twirl circles until I go to sleep and wake up tomorrow ready to explore all the possiblities for love and relationships.

Miss M

A Date for Love Day

I have a date. I know strange, right? I feel the same way. Its odd to me and even though I know how it happened I've yet to realize what possessed me to do it. It's my own fault, I asked. I am glad and excited but its still weird. I was thinking tonight while I was at work how Valentine's Day is a week away and that I was probably going to end up one of those people with nothing to do and that I'd just sit at home wishing for love. I really don't have it in me right now to feel that pathetic because I know it would've depressed me. Especially if I got thinking about the Valentine's Days of yore. It would be a birthday mood all over again. So there I was wondering what I would do and I got to thinking about Buttman. I figured he probably didn't have any plans because he's just as unattached and single as I am. I went on my break and was sitting in the dark at the picnic tables out back and put my feet up and called, not knowing what exactly I was doing and or what silly girlie demon had possessed me to get involved in such a fabricated excuse to buy expensive junk food and sit in dark places just to swoon over whoever was there at just the thought of love. I found myself continuing on this insane course of action and then the phone stopped ringing.

"Hello?"
"Hey"
"Oh hey."
"How are you?"
"Good , how are you."
"I'm at work....on my break and I was just wondering if you have any plans for next Tuesday."
"Ummmm, ahhhhh.....I don't think so."
"You wanna take me to a movie?"
"Sure."
"I get off work at 8. Thought it might be fun do something."
"Okay"

Then I mumbled something that now that I've asked I guess we could chat so I asked him how the Singles activity was yesterday. He said it was good told me who was there what they did. Then I said I had to go back to work. I immediately called my mom to have her validate my insanity and the first thing she asked is "What if Mr. Man asks you out for Valentine's?" Oh jeez. Not really the response I was going for and I told her that I wasn't going to just sit at home and that it was Mr. Man's idea for us to see other people and that I fully intend to do that. That if he calls (I highly doubt he will) I'll tell him I already have plans but would be happy to go out with him another night. My mom was like, "Okay what ever you think is best."

So now I have a date. That just seems so weird. I'm not sure what to do now. Well I'll obviously show up on the date, but I'm not really sure what sortof date it is. I was going for something casual and light hearted and I hope he has the same idea. I'm not even sure if he realized what next Tuesday was. Oh well I'll just make sure I look hot for whatever may happen and I'll smile and have a good time because, hey, I have a date with Love. Okay, I have a date for something but I'm not sure if it's love, it just happens to be on Love Day. Oh crap I have a date. I must be nuts this is so weird. Wish me luck, wish me love, wish me a pleasant evening, most of all wish me sanity. :)

Miss M

The Best Of Weekends

It amazing to me how quickly and wonderfully my Father in Heaven answers my prayers. I mentioned in my birthday post how I felt I needed more friends and wanted more people in my life, and that I needed to put more effort into my relationships. I've been doing that a little more lately and its paid dividends back to me. I've had a great time all weekend. We gave each other nicknames this weekend for laughs so I'm just going to use them to refer to people. They're really ridiculous but they all have a story and a joke behind them. I'll begin with me I have been dubbed Sir Grabs-Alot. Mr. Man's sister is now Duchess of Magic Pants. One girl is now Captain Doofus and the other girl is Captain Albino. Mr. Man is the Baron of Straight Laced and the other guy is Buttman. We girls decided that we were the super heros and that the Baron and Buttman were the vilans. Now the stories behind these names may be explained later but some have no rhyme or reason to them they just sortof evolved. I mentioned them only to refer to them with as little confusion as possible. Its easier than coming up with my own names for everyone.

Anyway Captain Doofus, The Duchess of Magic Pants and I, Sir Grabs-Alot, spent most of Thursday together. We had lunch and then went over to my house and listened to music and talked. It was really nice. A very pleasant afternoon spent. With two really great girls. We got the guys together to hang out that night. We really didn't do anything that great at first. We wasted alot of our time sitting at the church trying to figure out what great fun we wanted to have. Everyone was there including Mr. Man and Captain Doofuss's brother (we don't have a name for him yet). Captain Albino wasn't able to be there that night. It was a pretty good night overall. We ended up going to Blockbuster and and wandered around for a long time no one could decide on a movie. I walked around the store with Mr. Man talking. He and the Duchess had had a little bit of a tense moment in the car on the way over. He seemed out of sorts afterwards on top of how uncomfortable he seems to be whenever I'm around, but it seemed a little different as we wandered the store and chatted. I asked Mr. Man, "Has it really been so bad talking to me the last 10 minutes?" He looked at me and smiled and said, "No, not that bad." " I told you I didn't bite." He laughed. I said, " Before there was anything else you were my best friend" Then I said something about how everything before doesn't matter and that I wanted things be okay and that the past is forgotten. It felt like a moment that put us both more at ease with the other. Closer to being friends again. He wasn't able to stay much longer and he left. Finally someone else just picked a picked a movie and we went to Captain Doofuss's house and then ended up watching a different movie entirely and didn't even watch the one we rented. After the movie Duchess had to go home so we took her back to the car and Buttman Doofus and her brother and I went and played pool till the wee hours of morning. It was soo much fun. I won every game but the last one which surprised me because I suck at pool. It was so terrible the games took forever and we were awful. Buttman was about the only one that had any skills but he wasn't really putting much effort into it until the last game and he beat me pretty bad. I had alot of fun with Buttman. We have a great time blatantly flirting and hitting on the other. Its all in good fun but it was hilarious. Lots of bad pick up lines and innuendos. I'm not sure how the rest of the gang takes us, but their reactions are half the fun. They also don't get the jokes we make sometimes they're just a wee bit innocent still. Buttman and I have a good time though.

So Thursday was real good late night fun but Friday was even better I called Buttman during my break at work and told him I was going to be up late anyway so I figured I'd see if anyone wanted to stay up with me. He of course did and called everyone else but he really couldn't get a hold of anyone. Mr. Man and the Duchess weren't going to come out and play, but Buttman met me at the church anyway and we went and kidnapped Captain Doofus. We tried to get her brother to come too but he wanted to study. Which I found very strange for a Friday night. We headed to a bowling alley across the river. We played four games and laughed our butts off. I kept catcalling Buttman as he strutted up the lane and that just made him strut more. Toward the end of the games Buttman and Doofus were trying different silly ways of throwing the ball down the lane. Buttman came up with this grapevining under one leg backward twisty thing that was actually quite impressive. After bowling we went to IHOP. IHOP was even more fun than bowling. We laughed so much the waiter was teasing about how he could hear us across the whole restaurant. Doofus got pancakes that had whipped topping on them and she doesn't like whipped topping and told us to eat it so of course I threw it at Buttman and it got all over his eggs and sausage. Only good times can ensue from a whipped topping fight. We were licking it off our selves and making faces at each other. Just more bad innuendos and silly sexy faces. The funniest was when he was licking it off his sausage all the faces he made at me implying the naughty. I could hardly breath I was laughing so hard. The most hilarious thing was when the manager came up and asked if we wanted more whipped topping. After we ate were teasing about how we were watching Buttman strut his stuff at the bowling alley and he said that he's been told that its the best butt some people have seen. We were paying at the counter while talking about this so I grabbed his butt and squeezed it and said, "Almost the best I've seen." I thought Doofus was going to die laughing and Buttman just stood there and grinned as I harmlessly violated him. Hence our nick names, Buttman and Sir Grabs-Alot. It was a good time had by all. :) He does have a rather lovely arse.

Sunday was another wonderful day. I of course had church and saw most everyone there. After church they all came over and had dinner before we went to the broadcast our church does once a month from Utah. Dinner was so much fun they all loved the food. Even Mr. Man looked like he was having fun. There was one moment when there was a pang in my heart when I saw him watching me move around the kitchen cooking like he had a Monday that we spent all day together when we were dating. He had the same look in his eye in that moment that he did back then. I did okay for the most part. He had his own moment of slight heart ache when he heard about me grabbing Buttman's arse. The flames of jealousy flickered in his eyes for a moment and he looked at Buttman slightly accusingly. I also caught him watching me dance with the girls in the living room after dinner. It was Latin music I couldn't help but dance and wiggle. I'm not holding out hope but I like knowing that I'm not completely out of his head yet. He occupies mine too much still and it was good to know that I'm not the only one suffering and torturing myself. We went over to our institute directors house to watch the broadcast. Mr. Man, gentleman that he is, stood and waited for us girls to sit down and Buttman, playful player he is, sits in the middle of the couch and puts his arms across the back of the couch and invited us lovely ladies to sit with him. I of course plopped down on one side and cuddled in and Duchess sat on the other side. We all laughed and settled in to watch the broadcast. The set up was just asking for us to fall asleep though. Which is exactly what I did. They had big comfy leather couches, a fire in their fireplace, blankets and most all of us cuddled in on one couch. I had Buttman's arm around me and his shoulder to lay my head on and cuddle against. I was awake for about half of it but then I was out. Captain Doofus nodded off and so did Buttman. The Duchess kept poking everyone but she almost succumbed too. Mr. Man was about the only one that paid complete attention. I still have such respect for him. He let the girls sit first and ended up on a kitchen chair because he refused to give in to our innocent debauchery of a cuddle orgy. I guess that's why he's The Baron of Straight Laced but that's also why I admire him so much.

It was a wonderful weekend. An answer to a sincere prayer for a great group of friends. Most of these kids are so young and stuck in their shells and have never known fun like this and it was great to see them having so much and going on and on about how they want to do this stuff more often. We have an area Valentine's dance to go to Saturday and we're all really looking forward to that. I really enjoyed spending time with them they're great group to hang out with. It was the best of weekends.

Miss M

Sorry

I think I need to apologize a little for one of my previous posts. Not that what I felt isn't valid its just that it was written in anger and now that I've taken the time to breathe a bit, its not as bad as it appeared to be. If I want people to be forgiving and understanding of me I need to do the same. I was upset when Mr. Man didn't talk to me that Sunday my mom went to the hospital, but I shouldn't have called in the first place. We had agreed to be friends but I hadn't allowed enough time to pass so we could build a history of being casual friends before I expected him to be completely there. I shouldn't push people so hard or expect so much. It hadn't been that long since we broke up and I didn't allow much time for that to scab over before I started picking at him to give me a different relationship if we couldn't be in a romantic one. I really need to remind myself to breathe. Relationships of every kind take time especially if you want them to last awhile. I only want friendship from Mr. Man and I think I've been more detrimental to that end than helping it to develop more naturally. I have no patience for things that I want especially if I see that it'll probably work out eventually. I want it to hurry up and be what I envision it being.

I feel like I need to apologize to his whole family because I was informed the other day by his sister that mine and Mr. Man's short lived romance and the things that followed have caused quite the uproar in their family. I may have offended them unintentionally. I'm not really sure how this whole thing got so complicated. I was after something simple and lovely and enjoyable and its turned into quite the debacle. I had it in me to make all this hullabaloo go much smoother but it just caught me so off guard. Now I have to go and try to repair the damage I created in my flailing about as it ended. I'm just afraid I caused too much damage that can't be fixed and that I've lost my chance at getting my friend back. I'm not sorry that this all happened I'm just sorry for my part in this dance. I've defiantly stepped on a lot of toes and I'm sorry.

Miss M

Touch

I had a massage appointment yesterday. I hadn't had one in awhile because of my work schedule. I was a little skeptical about it because he was a client I had worked on before and I know how stubborn he could be. His wife wanted him to get a full body massage and generally you have to disrobe for that and I knew he wouldn't but she wanted me to try anyway. It went surprisingly well considering all I could get him to take off was his belt watch and his over shirt. He even kept his shoes on. So I worked what magic I could and he was thoroughly impressed. He was jelly by the time I was done with him and all he wanted me to work on was his back and neck. This guy is a very straight forward type of guy and if he felt he needed to tell you what for he would. He would never give a compliment either if he didn't feel it was due so to hear him go on and on about my work was very much appreciated. It was quite the ego boost. It was wonderful to massage again. It takes such effort sometimes to get started but once I start working on someone its almost euphoric. It feels sortof like a really good yoga session mixed with deep meditation. Not everyone has done yoga or meditated so let me see if I can describe it another way. Its almost how you feel when you wake up in the morning and take a big long stretch mixed with how you feel after you've had a wonderful dream. Its a wonderful almost tingly feeling when I get to do a massage.

Touch is such a potent and powerful thing and I was thinking about that yesterday as I worked, as my body moved so flawlessly and gracefully around my table. It flowed with such ease and it provided such a service to this gruff and grumbly, hard working and very appreciative man. I was thinking about what kind and how much touch we give and receive everyday. In my regular job I work with people with developmental disabilities and a lot of my job involves invading their personal space to help them with their daily needs. Things that we take for granted they need assistance with. Like showers using the restroom lifting and positioning them so that they're comfortable. I also help them eat and dress and brush their teeth, shave. The list is very long of the things that the other staff and I help them with. It involves a lot of touching and a lot of trust. But the touch I was thinking about most was all the many times I would hold their hand when they're terrified at the doctors office or at the hospital feeling sick and scared of an environment they aren't familiar with and with people they don't know and that they don't trust. I was thinking about how much such a simple touch makes such a difference and that that same difference is felt by us as well.

I remember when I was little and in the morning when I had to get up my mom would come in an sit on the side of my bed and rub my back and gently whisper, "Good Morning sweetheart its time to get up." I remember how soft and gentle her voice was and the tenderness I felt as she touched my back. It made the rest of my day so great to wake up that way. Its such a difference from having someone barge in your room and rip off your covers and holler, " WAKE UP! You're late!" It set the mood for your whole day. My dad used to rub me under my eyes when I would lay on his lap. He told me that it was the least touched part of the body but that it was just as important as everything else and deserved some attention too. Not only did it feel good but he would talk to me and tell me things that I thought were so interesting and were so amazing. He was so smart and he knew everything. I knew a woman once who had a teenage son who was very withdrawn and moody and didn't want much to do with the family but this woman wanted to connect so badly with her son. She decided that no matter what she needed to touch him in some way at least once a day whether it was a shoulder pat, resting her hand on his arm when they talked or the most rare of all a little squeeze of a hug. She didn't think it made much of a difference until her son grew up and one night as they were reminiscing as a family he told her what a difference it made to him. He had really felt the difference. When you are a teenager you feel so alone and diseased and uncomfortable in your own skin and it would make such a difference to have someone try to connect with you. I can't even imagine how much worse he would've felt if his mother didn't make the effort to touch him. To show him, not only tell him, that he mattered.

We say so many things when we touch someone else both good and bad. I can be having the worst day and feeling so sad and alone and when someone comes along and hugs me its like the flood gates open and my heart unclenches and I can cry. I can release everything that was making me sad. A hug says we care that we have concern. A hug can also mean joy and happiness. I watch those commercials and shows where someone wins something or gets good news and the very first thing they do is to find the closest person to hug, and if no one is around they're looking around as if they're trying to find some one to hug. I think it's so amazing that that's the first instinct to grab on and clutch someone. I hate seeing parents at the store with their kids and they're misbehaving and their first reaction when the kid is screaming is to smack them in the mouth or smack their bottoms. How humiliating that must be for a kid. To be yelled at and touched in such away in front of all those people. When we got in trouble as kids the cart was abandoned and we were removed from the store. If we got a punishment it was not in front of everyone and always after wards they hugged us and talked to us and explained what we had done wrong, why we got the swat. I honestly don't remember ever being spanked I only have my parents word that they had. All I remember about when I was a kid was how rotten my brothers were and that my parents loved me. My brothers loved me too I just got them in trouble a lot. I guess I was a bit of a stinker :)

Touch is very important and when there isn't any you feel it. I miss a lot of different kinds of touch that disappeared with Ex. I remember once he was really sick his stomach was upset and I came into the bathroom where he was and asked me to come by him and he buried his head into my belly and held onto my hips while I gently stroked his hair and neck and what comfort that gave him. I couldn't make it better but I helped. When I would come home from work at night he was always waiting at the door with a hug and a kiss. I loved how gently he would hold me when I had bad dreams at night. Dancing was the best. Body and body breath with breath. The sweetness, the passion, the love. Mr. Man was also very good with tender touching. How sweetly he interacted with me. I feel asleep on the couch with him once and every time my head would start to slid off his shoulder he just held it. He didn't push it back up or wake me he just held it and gently touched my face and hair as I slept.

I have many wonderful memories of touch in my life and these are just a few. Massage school was filled with wonderful touch moments. I probably think too deeply about it but its made such a difference in my life. When I worked yesterday it brought to mind so many wonderful things. Every memory comes with a feeling and that's probably why I feel so euphoric when I get a chance to massage someone. Its a wonderful experience that I've been able to share with so many people that I care about and so many appreciative strangers. Touch can be such a tool in our arsenal of human relationships if kept in perspective and appropriateness. It makes such a difference in all of our lives.

Miss M