Patty Fingers and Roller Skating

Ever since the dance I've been thinking about Minnesota. He is a fantastic guy. We would have so much fun together with all of our friends. I've just been recalling good times and happy moments which is always so great to do. Its a snowball effect. You start with one memory which leads to another and another and soon you got a wonderful buzz going on. A delightful euphoria of nostaglia. I've been wandering down memory lane for a while now ever since I saw him again so unexpectedly, and my mind always starts with the same moment in time.

When I was ninteen I had decided it was time to head out into the big bad world. I wanted to go to Russia but my mom just about had a stroke so we argued a little and I decided that just about anywhere was better than here so I set my sights on Utah. My friends here were mournful of my leaving and they had a going away party for me at our local roller rink. I Love to roller skate. I don't get a chance to do it very often but its great fun. Whenever I think of Minnesota I immeadiately think of roller skating. Because he was there at this party. We all had so much fun. Roller rinks are all about the same. Dimly lit, thumping music, disco lights, a general of smell of cornchips and stale popcorn and silly games and traditions. And always, always a couple skate. You weren't allowed to be on the skating floor unless you were holding someone's hand. I was crushing on Minnesota hard core back then so when he skated up to me looking all fine and asked me to skate I thought I was in heaven. What a moment. We held hands and went circles around the rink while listening to cheesy love songs. We laughed at our lacking roller skating skills but the most important thing is he held my hand. It was glorious. It was fantastic. Not only was I about to embark on one of the greastest adventures of my life but I finally got the attention of my crush and he was looking only at me.

Saturday I went with my family to visit my nieces, my brother and his wife. My oldest niece who I call Stinky had a birthday party at the roller rink to go to. Oh it brought back so many wonderful memories. I immeadiatly thought of Minnesota because whenever I think of roller skating I think of him. They even had a couples skate while I was there. This little boy that goes to preschool with my niece skates up and says " 'Stinky' Come skate with me" It was so adorable. She had such a hard time she hasn't skated very often yet. At the end when they were clearing the floor she was moving so slow that the rink attendant had to go rescue her because she was the only one left out there. She was moving her feet but hardly going anywhere. She had such a good time. She said she didn't even mind falling.

I love roller skating. I love the memories it brings to me when I think of it. Soon I'll have partner to walk down nostalgia lane. Minnessota coming in a few weeks to visit. He called late the other night to make sure I had the weekend off before he booked his flight. I am so excited. I love having things to look forward to. It'll be nice to visit and remember and recall all the wonderful times we had together with our friends. He'll remember things I may have forgotten or remember them differently. It'll be good times.

Miss M

Speechless

I don't really have a whole lot to say. Nothing profound has been thought or experienced. No amazing moments, but yet I can't seem to stay silent. I feel burrowed in a mood and state of mind and its very hard to describe but I'm not sure what's illiciting it. Its not really a good mood nor a bad one. Hmmm.......

MissM

Afraid of the Dark

I have a wonderful life when you look at it in the glaring light of day. Things aren't perfect by any means but I'm generally happy and I have a great family and a group of friends that are becoming more and more important to me every day and a best friend that I can go days with out talking to but who still isn't afraid to tell me what he thinks of me. I have a church and a faith and a testimony that I cherish. I've worked really hard to get my life to this point where things are good and looking better all the time. But I'm still afraid of the dark. Not in a childhood monsters under the bed way, but in a more grown up I can't quiet the monsters in my head way. I work at a very physically demanding job and at night I'm more than tired enough to fall asleep instantly, but I can't. I'm haunted in the darkness by my past, by the future and by my fears and secrets. I had three very distinct dreams last night after I was restless and fitful for a good while before I finally did fall asleep to have these dreams. I'm not sure of the exact details anymore but the subjects have me buggered.

The first dream was about my best friend in high school. His family immigrated here from Albania and they have a restaurant on the outskirts of our school district. We met on the first day of English Freshman year and were inseparable after that. The dream itself wasn't all that spectacular sortof strange actually but it got me think about him again and I hadn't in a long time. I think we cared about each other deeply but were too afraid to admit it. He is Muslim and his older brother had an arranged marriage so I think he had resigned himself to that fate. We had one standing date every year for after prom and a special dance our senior year. They were always wonderful times together. Also our school used to sell things for the holidays that you could have delivered to your friends during school. Lollipops dressed as ghosts for Halloween, green carnations for St. Patrick's day, roses for Valentines, balloons and what not for what ever. I got something from him every time. He never in all four years missed a single one. I of course crushed on him always but didn't think he ever felt the same, but now as I look back on it today, I realized that he loved me the best he could within the bounds of his family and his traditions. He was a fantastic friend.

The second dream stared my last boyfriend in high school. It was very short lived I think a week or so, but we pretty much made out as much as possible before I realized, what the hell am I doing. So the dream was basically what we did best together, making out. He was one of the best kissers I ever had the privilege of smooching so that was kindof fun to remember.

The third dream was about someone that I'm trying my darndest to forget and move on from but he seems to always be in my face. In the dream Mr. Man and I was in a book store or library and we were whispering to each other. I don't remember what it was we were talking about exactly but I was making a heated point about something but all he did was smile and look at me and kept talking about the books around us. I kept on trying to pick a fight but he thwarted every effort until his charm won me over and we were laughing. I woke up to us sitting on the floor between the shelves having a happy and lively discussion about a book we had read. I also woke up pissed off a bit, because I don't want him in my head anymore. Mr. Man has gotten under my skin and its really starting to get on my nerves and now even my dreams aren't safe from him and his searching eyes. Grrr.

I also woke up to recollect that in real life Ex is missing. His new lover and his mother have no idea where he is. Last night the lover called me in a panic asking where Ex used to go when he did this before. I told them what I could but I was furious that the lover wanted to kick him out of their apartment as soon as he was found. My old protective feelings reemerged for a moment and it took everything I had not to yell at them. Ex is crazy. He needs someone to love him and take care of him and protect him and he doesn't need one more person in his life to abandon him and then my gut sank as I realized that I had done the same. I had abandoned him and left him at the mercy of the wolves of this world with out the protection of me or my love. I was the same monster that I had wanted to yell at. I have now added one more horrific thought to the monsters in the darkness.

My head is swirling from all of this. My dreams have me buggered and trudging through so many memories of the past that have produced uneasy and unsure feelings. My heart in the darkness is still loyal to Mr. Man when everything else I have inside me screams out for me to kick him. And to add icing to this disgusting cake, Ex is missing and I'm reliving in a very small and minute degree the guilt my councilor and I have been working months on to remedy regarding the divorce. The old monsters are also all waiting in the wings for me to pull them on stage again to tell me lies about me, myself, and I. To make me doubt and question my every thought, action and decision; past present and future. I think way too much, obviously. I remind myself every day to breathe. To find my inner strength, faith and resolve and to let it wash over my tired and haggard soul with very breath I take. I have it together in the warmth and sunshine of the day but the night time likes to haunt me and I let it. I dread sleep, the process the restlessness and the dreams that stir things that I really don't want stirred. I'm afraid of the dark.

Miss M

Unwanted

I saw it coming but it didn't make it any better. I knew Buttman wasn't going to show up. How depressing it is to be bummed about being stood up for a date I didn't really want it the first place. I just wanted a distration to save my self from my own self loathing and pity. It was my first Valentine's Day since Ex left I knew it would be hard and it was. I asked Buttman to do something so I wouldn't be able to sit at home and wallow. I would've asked someone I really wanted to be with but there's slim pickings around here. Besides Buttman, Mr. Man is the only other guy and that isn't ever going to happen. It should've but it won't. Even though all this drama and high school crap is going on here and now, my mind is wandering in ages ago. It feels like a lifetime ago. I miss him. He made my life wonderful and beautiful, for a time. I know its good for the both of us that we aren't married or together anymore, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it lately. Ex called me the other day to tell me that I was the love of his life and that he knows he screwed it up and that he'll never find anyone like me again, but that he wanted to apologize for all the things he did to hurt me over the years. He said he never deserved me but that I made him happy and gave him something to be happy for and that I was the only person he's ever loved that there will never be a love like ours ever again. Like a movie in my head I see him. I watch us living and loving together. A million and one things remind me that I was happy once. Even when I relive the bad times its okay because it makes sense to me. I knew how to do that to deal with that. There was a reason. This stuff now with these idiot boys, because boys they are, is wretched and stupid. There is no reason, no excuse, its malice and ignorance. Its pretty sad for them that the schizophrenic ex husband is rating higher in my regard than they are.

I hate being alone. I have too much passion and love to keep it all to myself. I know what it is to love because I have, because I do. Love doesn't end when you sign papers or when you break up. Love lasts forever. It may fade or be forgotten for a time but you will always remember who you have loved they will always occupy a part of your heart no matter how small, its there. Every experience makes your life richer and more beautiful. Every moment when someone else shares your life changes it, refines it, makes it better even if it can't last forever. I don't measure my life in days and years I measure it in periods of love. My family loved me and always loves me but when I was young thats one period of family love. Highschool you love and are loved by your schoolmates. Your early twenties are usually for loving your self and refining who you are and what you need out of life. Later you love someone else a partner and a companion a helpmate. Then you repeat it again with your children. You love them through their young years and you love them when they love no one else but their friends you love them as they dicover themselves and their lives. You love them when they fall in love with their companion and it cycles again and again. When I think about life this way then your whole existence is love. Love for everyone and anyone that passes before your window of experiences in this life. We build relationships that we can take with us into the life to come. An eternity of periods of love with the people we care about most, our families and their families and so on. I want my own family, people to take care of and love and teach and grow with. I feel stuck between two things. It is an unwanted feeling. I want to have a direction a purpose, an outlet for my natural feelings. I feel like I've taken ten steps back in life and that I have to rebuild and also revist a period I had a hard time with. A period where I live only for myself and it feels selfish, petty and empty of meaning. I feel unwanted unneeded unused and under appreciated. I feel selfish and lost. Life is empty without service and I found the most joy in service to the person I share my life with and now there is no one. Just bitter unwanted memories of what went wrong and beautiful tasting things that have gone sour. I want my life to taste like I just brushed my teeth. Clean and fresh, sweet and minty and waiting anxiously for the next thing that will tantilize my senses. To taste the sweetness of life again and be rinsed cleaned of the bitterness that festers there.

Miss M

I Could've Danced all Night

Oh what splendid fun. My singles group drove two hours to go to a Valentines Dance in Iowa on Saturday. It was fantastic. I'm so glad I went because I almost didn't. I was in a funk of a mood and I had gotten hurt at work so I was sore and tired and I just didn't feel up to it, but I had promised to drive so I went. The first hour wasn't too swell because no one had really shown up yet but as more people arrived it got better and better. The setup was great they had awesome floor lights and they had screens projected up on the curtains of the stage so that if you went behind the curtain your sillouette would be dancing in the swirl of colors they had playing. It was very well planned. They started the night out with a game and then later they had a Dance Dance Reveloution dance off. It was amazing. It made me think of my good friend Internet Guy because he's a super big fan of DDR. It was so fun to watch. It was amazing. This one guy was just flying and he was jumping around and using his hands and it was astounding. He hardly ever missed a step. It was amazing to see how fast they could go. They had the game screen projected up for everone to see. It was very cool.

It was such a good night and the greatest thing happened. A good friend of mine from years ago was there. I hadn't seem him in years. He lives in Minnesota now so I'll use that to refer to him. I walked up to him and said,

"I know you. I know, I know you."
He said, "You're from ------ your names 'miss m' isn't it?"
"Yes and you're 'Minnesota' oh my gosh I never thought I'd ever get to see you again."

We just chatted and chatted. Mr. Man was nearby so he was talking with us too and we were catching him up on all the people he had known in our area. It was so great to see him. I used be just over the moon for him when we were in singles together before. He is just as impressive now, if not more so, as he was then. He looked so good and it was so great to see him. We exchanged emails and phone numbers before we left the dance so we can keep up with each other. Which will be great. He wants to come down and visit everyone here. I introduced him to the whole group that came with us. Told them that when I tell stories of the Singles days of yore that he was there. He and I were telling stories about all the things we used to do and the girls were just like wow. Minnesota introduced me to his brother as one of his first friends when he lived in our area, he was so excited about that and that made me feel good. It was just so great to have someone that knew me as I was and could corroborate all my stories. It was fun rehashing some of the glory days.

I love dancing and I got a chance to dance with several people. I danced with a good friend of mine from Iowa that I don't get to see very often and I danced with a couple of new people which was fun they were great. One guy toward the end was really fun to dance with. He really knew how to hold a girl when you danced. He held me like he wasn't afraid of girls and we had a good conversation and laughed. He even hugged me. I was kicking myself all the way home that I didn't ask for his phone number. He was swell. He was one of the DDR guys and I told him how impressive I thought he was. I didn't have to ask anyone to dance except the guys I came with and my friend from Iowa. Its nice not to have to ask. Buttman was okay to dance with. But it wasn't too too exciting. I danced with Mr. Man several times which was so great. In fact it was wonderful. It feels crazy to me that twirling in circles with someone could be so lovely. It made me so happy to have him look at me and talk to me and listen to me. He saw me. I saw him. Its rare to have someone who can do that, who can see you. We were so lost in talking and chatting that I hardly noticed when we danced straight through two songs like it was blinking. It happened without my noticing and it was so natural and easy and I told him that. I told him that I was so glad that he was talking to me that I never thought he would again. I told him that it was great to dance with him that it was easy and comfortable, that it was wonderful and that I was glad that he wanted to. I probably read more into than what was there but I can't help myself. I can't stop thinking about how he looked at me. Mr. Man looked at me as if he was conveying something unspoken but solid. He looked at me like he used to. Its what I felt I saw but I keep wondering if that was what was really there or if it was there only because I wanted it to be. Because I want nothing more than for him to let me love him. I don't think he ever will and thats okay, or at least its getting to be more okay a little at a time. Its easier when I can see other possibilities opening up to me. There are other people that I could be very happy with I just wanted it to be him, to be Mr. Man. I could've danced all night with him and been content just talking to him, hearing what things he had to say. I wish that something that simple didn't have to be so complicated. I want so much that I really could've danced with him all night. I don't like having to wrap my mind around the possiblity that it really might not happen the way it could've. I don't want to get stuck in a daydream but I'm going to just for today. For this moment I'll think about him and his arms and his eyes, my illusions of love and romance and we'll twirl circles until I go to sleep and wake up tomorrow ready to explore all the possiblities for love and relationships.

Miss M

A Date for Love Day

I have a date. I know strange, right? I feel the same way. Its odd to me and even though I know how it happened I've yet to realize what possessed me to do it. It's my own fault, I asked. I am glad and excited but its still weird. I was thinking tonight while I was at work how Valentine's Day is a week away and that I was probably going to end up one of those people with nothing to do and that I'd just sit at home wishing for love. I really don't have it in me right now to feel that pathetic because I know it would've depressed me. Especially if I got thinking about the Valentine's Days of yore. It would be a birthday mood all over again. So there I was wondering what I would do and I got to thinking about Buttman. I figured he probably didn't have any plans because he's just as unattached and single as I am. I went on my break and was sitting in the dark at the picnic tables out back and put my feet up and called, not knowing what exactly I was doing and or what silly girlie demon had possessed me to get involved in such a fabricated excuse to buy expensive junk food and sit in dark places just to swoon over whoever was there at just the thought of love. I found myself continuing on this insane course of action and then the phone stopped ringing.

"Hello?"
"Hey"
"Oh hey."
"How are you?"
"Good , how are you."
"I'm at work....on my break and I was just wondering if you have any plans for next Tuesday."
"Ummmm, ahhhhh.....I don't think so."
"You wanna take me to a movie?"
"Sure."
"I get off work at 8. Thought it might be fun do something."
"Okay"

Then I mumbled something that now that I've asked I guess we could chat so I asked him how the Singles activity was yesterday. He said it was good told me who was there what they did. Then I said I had to go back to work. I immediately called my mom to have her validate my insanity and the first thing she asked is "What if Mr. Man asks you out for Valentine's?" Oh jeez. Not really the response I was going for and I told her that I wasn't going to just sit at home and that it was Mr. Man's idea for us to see other people and that I fully intend to do that. That if he calls (I highly doubt he will) I'll tell him I already have plans but would be happy to go out with him another night. My mom was like, "Okay what ever you think is best."

So now I have a date. That just seems so weird. I'm not sure what to do now. Well I'll obviously show up on the date, but I'm not really sure what sortof date it is. I was going for something casual and light hearted and I hope he has the same idea. I'm not even sure if he realized what next Tuesday was. Oh well I'll just make sure I look hot for whatever may happen and I'll smile and have a good time because, hey, I have a date with Love. Okay, I have a date for something but I'm not sure if it's love, it just happens to be on Love Day. Oh crap I have a date. I must be nuts this is so weird. Wish me luck, wish me love, wish me a pleasant evening, most of all wish me sanity. :)

Miss M

The Best Of Weekends

It amazing to me how quickly and wonderfully my Father in Heaven answers my prayers. I mentioned in my birthday post how I felt I needed more friends and wanted more people in my life, and that I needed to put more effort into my relationships. I've been doing that a little more lately and its paid dividends back to me. I've had a great time all weekend. We gave each other nicknames this weekend for laughs so I'm just going to use them to refer to people. They're really ridiculous but they all have a story and a joke behind them. I'll begin with me I have been dubbed Sir Grabs-Alot. Mr. Man's sister is now Duchess of Magic Pants. One girl is now Captain Doofus and the other girl is Captain Albino. Mr. Man is the Baron of Straight Laced and the other guy is Buttman. We girls decided that we were the super heros and that the Baron and Buttman were the vilans. Now the stories behind these names may be explained later but some have no rhyme or reason to them they just sortof evolved. I mentioned them only to refer to them with as little confusion as possible. Its easier than coming up with my own names for everyone.

Anyway Captain Doofus, The Duchess of Magic Pants and I, Sir Grabs-Alot, spent most of Thursday together. We had lunch and then went over to my house and listened to music and talked. It was really nice. A very pleasant afternoon spent. With two really great girls. We got the guys together to hang out that night. We really didn't do anything that great at first. We wasted alot of our time sitting at the church trying to figure out what great fun we wanted to have. Everyone was there including Mr. Man and Captain Doofuss's brother (we don't have a name for him yet). Captain Albino wasn't able to be there that night. It was a pretty good night overall. We ended up going to Blockbuster and and wandered around for a long time no one could decide on a movie. I walked around the store with Mr. Man talking. He and the Duchess had had a little bit of a tense moment in the car on the way over. He seemed out of sorts afterwards on top of how uncomfortable he seems to be whenever I'm around, but it seemed a little different as we wandered the store and chatted. I asked Mr. Man, "Has it really been so bad talking to me the last 10 minutes?" He looked at me and smiled and said, "No, not that bad." " I told you I didn't bite." He laughed. I said, " Before there was anything else you were my best friend" Then I said something about how everything before doesn't matter and that I wanted things be okay and that the past is forgotten. It felt like a moment that put us both more at ease with the other. Closer to being friends again. He wasn't able to stay much longer and he left. Finally someone else just picked a picked a movie and we went to Captain Doofuss's house and then ended up watching a different movie entirely and didn't even watch the one we rented. After the movie Duchess had to go home so we took her back to the car and Buttman Doofus and her brother and I went and played pool till the wee hours of morning. It was soo much fun. I won every game but the last one which surprised me because I suck at pool. It was so terrible the games took forever and we were awful. Buttman was about the only one that had any skills but he wasn't really putting much effort into it until the last game and he beat me pretty bad. I had alot of fun with Buttman. We have a great time blatantly flirting and hitting on the other. Its all in good fun but it was hilarious. Lots of bad pick up lines and innuendos. I'm not sure how the rest of the gang takes us, but their reactions are half the fun. They also don't get the jokes we make sometimes they're just a wee bit innocent still. Buttman and I have a good time though.

So Thursday was real good late night fun but Friday was even better I called Buttman during my break at work and told him I was going to be up late anyway so I figured I'd see if anyone wanted to stay up with me. He of course did and called everyone else but he really couldn't get a hold of anyone. Mr. Man and the Duchess weren't going to come out and play, but Buttman met me at the church anyway and we went and kidnapped Captain Doofus. We tried to get her brother to come too but he wanted to study. Which I found very strange for a Friday night. We headed to a bowling alley across the river. We played four games and laughed our butts off. I kept catcalling Buttman as he strutted up the lane and that just made him strut more. Toward the end of the games Buttman and Doofus were trying different silly ways of throwing the ball down the lane. Buttman came up with this grapevining under one leg backward twisty thing that was actually quite impressive. After bowling we went to IHOP. IHOP was even more fun than bowling. We laughed so much the waiter was teasing about how he could hear us across the whole restaurant. Doofus got pancakes that had whipped topping on them and she doesn't like whipped topping and told us to eat it so of course I threw it at Buttman and it got all over his eggs and sausage. Only good times can ensue from a whipped topping fight. We were licking it off our selves and making faces at each other. Just more bad innuendos and silly sexy faces. The funniest was when he was licking it off his sausage all the faces he made at me implying the naughty. I could hardly breath I was laughing so hard. The most hilarious thing was when the manager came up and asked if we wanted more whipped topping. After we ate were teasing about how we were watching Buttman strut his stuff at the bowling alley and he said that he's been told that its the best butt some people have seen. We were paying at the counter while talking about this so I grabbed his butt and squeezed it and said, "Almost the best I've seen." I thought Doofus was going to die laughing and Buttman just stood there and grinned as I harmlessly violated him. Hence our nick names, Buttman and Sir Grabs-Alot. It was a good time had by all. :) He does have a rather lovely arse.

Sunday was another wonderful day. I of course had church and saw most everyone there. After church they all came over and had dinner before we went to the broadcast our church does once a month from Utah. Dinner was so much fun they all loved the food. Even Mr. Man looked like he was having fun. There was one moment when there was a pang in my heart when I saw him watching me move around the kitchen cooking like he had a Monday that we spent all day together when we were dating. He had the same look in his eye in that moment that he did back then. I did okay for the most part. He had his own moment of slight heart ache when he heard about me grabbing Buttman's arse. The flames of jealousy flickered in his eyes for a moment and he looked at Buttman slightly accusingly. I also caught him watching me dance with the girls in the living room after dinner. It was Latin music I couldn't help but dance and wiggle. I'm not holding out hope but I like knowing that I'm not completely out of his head yet. He occupies mine too much still and it was good to know that I'm not the only one suffering and torturing myself. We went over to our institute directors house to watch the broadcast. Mr. Man, gentleman that he is, stood and waited for us girls to sit down and Buttman, playful player he is, sits in the middle of the couch and puts his arms across the back of the couch and invited us lovely ladies to sit with him. I of course plopped down on one side and cuddled in and Duchess sat on the other side. We all laughed and settled in to watch the broadcast. The set up was just asking for us to fall asleep though. Which is exactly what I did. They had big comfy leather couches, a fire in their fireplace, blankets and most all of us cuddled in on one couch. I had Buttman's arm around me and his shoulder to lay my head on and cuddle against. I was awake for about half of it but then I was out. Captain Doofus nodded off and so did Buttman. The Duchess kept poking everyone but she almost succumbed too. Mr. Man was about the only one that paid complete attention. I still have such respect for him. He let the girls sit first and ended up on a kitchen chair because he refused to give in to our innocent debauchery of a cuddle orgy. I guess that's why he's The Baron of Straight Laced but that's also why I admire him so much.

It was a wonderful weekend. An answer to a sincere prayer for a great group of friends. Most of these kids are so young and stuck in their shells and have never known fun like this and it was great to see them having so much and going on and on about how they want to do this stuff more often. We have an area Valentine's dance to go to Saturday and we're all really looking forward to that. I really enjoyed spending time with them they're great group to hang out with. It was the best of weekends.

Miss M

Sorry

I think I need to apologize a little for one of my previous posts. Not that what I felt isn't valid its just that it was written in anger and now that I've taken the time to breathe a bit, its not as bad as it appeared to be. If I want people to be forgiving and understanding of me I need to do the same. I was upset when Mr. Man didn't talk to me that Sunday my mom went to the hospital, but I shouldn't have called in the first place. We had agreed to be friends but I hadn't allowed enough time to pass so we could build a history of being casual friends before I expected him to be completely there. I shouldn't push people so hard or expect so much. It hadn't been that long since we broke up and I didn't allow much time for that to scab over before I started picking at him to give me a different relationship if we couldn't be in a romantic one. I really need to remind myself to breathe. Relationships of every kind take time especially if you want them to last awhile. I only want friendship from Mr. Man and I think I've been more detrimental to that end than helping it to develop more naturally. I have no patience for things that I want especially if I see that it'll probably work out eventually. I want it to hurry up and be what I envision it being.

I feel like I need to apologize to his whole family because I was informed the other day by his sister that mine and Mr. Man's short lived romance and the things that followed have caused quite the uproar in their family. I may have offended them unintentionally. I'm not really sure how this whole thing got so complicated. I was after something simple and lovely and enjoyable and its turned into quite the debacle. I had it in me to make all this hullabaloo go much smoother but it just caught me so off guard. Now I have to go and try to repair the damage I created in my flailing about as it ended. I'm just afraid I caused too much damage that can't be fixed and that I've lost my chance at getting my friend back. I'm not sorry that this all happened I'm just sorry for my part in this dance. I've defiantly stepped on a lot of toes and I'm sorry.

Miss M

Touch

I had a massage appointment yesterday. I hadn't had one in awhile because of my work schedule. I was a little skeptical about it because he was a client I had worked on before and I know how stubborn he could be. His wife wanted him to get a full body massage and generally you have to disrobe for that and I knew he wouldn't but she wanted me to try anyway. It went surprisingly well considering all I could get him to take off was his belt watch and his over shirt. He even kept his shoes on. So I worked what magic I could and he was thoroughly impressed. He was jelly by the time I was done with him and all he wanted me to work on was his back and neck. This guy is a very straight forward type of guy and if he felt he needed to tell you what for he would. He would never give a compliment either if he didn't feel it was due so to hear him go on and on about my work was very much appreciated. It was quite the ego boost. It was wonderful to massage again. It takes such effort sometimes to get started but once I start working on someone its almost euphoric. It feels sortof like a really good yoga session mixed with deep meditation. Not everyone has done yoga or meditated so let me see if I can describe it another way. Its almost how you feel when you wake up in the morning and take a big long stretch mixed with how you feel after you've had a wonderful dream. Its a wonderful almost tingly feeling when I get to do a massage.

Touch is such a potent and powerful thing and I was thinking about that yesterday as I worked, as my body moved so flawlessly and gracefully around my table. It flowed with such ease and it provided such a service to this gruff and grumbly, hard working and very appreciative man. I was thinking about what kind and how much touch we give and receive everyday. In my regular job I work with people with developmental disabilities and a lot of my job involves invading their personal space to help them with their daily needs. Things that we take for granted they need assistance with. Like showers using the restroom lifting and positioning them so that they're comfortable. I also help them eat and dress and brush their teeth, shave. The list is very long of the things that the other staff and I help them with. It involves a lot of touching and a lot of trust. But the touch I was thinking about most was all the many times I would hold their hand when they're terrified at the doctors office or at the hospital feeling sick and scared of an environment they aren't familiar with and with people they don't know and that they don't trust. I was thinking about how much such a simple touch makes such a difference and that that same difference is felt by us as well.

I remember when I was little and in the morning when I had to get up my mom would come in an sit on the side of my bed and rub my back and gently whisper, "Good Morning sweetheart its time to get up." I remember how soft and gentle her voice was and the tenderness I felt as she touched my back. It made the rest of my day so great to wake up that way. Its such a difference from having someone barge in your room and rip off your covers and holler, " WAKE UP! You're late!" It set the mood for your whole day. My dad used to rub me under my eyes when I would lay on his lap. He told me that it was the least touched part of the body but that it was just as important as everything else and deserved some attention too. Not only did it feel good but he would talk to me and tell me things that I thought were so interesting and were so amazing. He was so smart and he knew everything. I knew a woman once who had a teenage son who was very withdrawn and moody and didn't want much to do with the family but this woman wanted to connect so badly with her son. She decided that no matter what she needed to touch him in some way at least once a day whether it was a shoulder pat, resting her hand on his arm when they talked or the most rare of all a little squeeze of a hug. She didn't think it made much of a difference until her son grew up and one night as they were reminiscing as a family he told her what a difference it made to him. He had really felt the difference. When you are a teenager you feel so alone and diseased and uncomfortable in your own skin and it would make such a difference to have someone try to connect with you. I can't even imagine how much worse he would've felt if his mother didn't make the effort to touch him. To show him, not only tell him, that he mattered.

We say so many things when we touch someone else both good and bad. I can be having the worst day and feeling so sad and alone and when someone comes along and hugs me its like the flood gates open and my heart unclenches and I can cry. I can release everything that was making me sad. A hug says we care that we have concern. A hug can also mean joy and happiness. I watch those commercials and shows where someone wins something or gets good news and the very first thing they do is to find the closest person to hug, and if no one is around they're looking around as if they're trying to find some one to hug. I think it's so amazing that that's the first instinct to grab on and clutch someone. I hate seeing parents at the store with their kids and they're misbehaving and their first reaction when the kid is screaming is to smack them in the mouth or smack their bottoms. How humiliating that must be for a kid. To be yelled at and touched in such away in front of all those people. When we got in trouble as kids the cart was abandoned and we were removed from the store. If we got a punishment it was not in front of everyone and always after wards they hugged us and talked to us and explained what we had done wrong, why we got the swat. I honestly don't remember ever being spanked I only have my parents word that they had. All I remember about when I was a kid was how rotten my brothers were and that my parents loved me. My brothers loved me too I just got them in trouble a lot. I guess I was a bit of a stinker :)

Touch is very important and when there isn't any you feel it. I miss a lot of different kinds of touch that disappeared with Ex. I remember once he was really sick his stomach was upset and I came into the bathroom where he was and asked me to come by him and he buried his head into my belly and held onto my hips while I gently stroked his hair and neck and what comfort that gave him. I couldn't make it better but I helped. When I would come home from work at night he was always waiting at the door with a hug and a kiss. I loved how gently he would hold me when I had bad dreams at night. Dancing was the best. Body and body breath with breath. The sweetness, the passion, the love. Mr. Man was also very good with tender touching. How sweetly he interacted with me. I feel asleep on the couch with him once and every time my head would start to slid off his shoulder he just held it. He didn't push it back up or wake me he just held it and gently touched my face and hair as I slept.

I have many wonderful memories of touch in my life and these are just a few. Massage school was filled with wonderful touch moments. I probably think too deeply about it but its made such a difference in my life. When I worked yesterday it brought to mind so many wonderful things. Every memory comes with a feeling and that's probably why I feel so euphoric when I get a chance to massage someone. Its a wonderful experience that I've been able to share with so many people that I care about and so many appreciative strangers. Touch can be such a tool in our arsenal of human relationships if kept in perspective and appropriateness. It makes such a difference in all of our lives.

Miss M

Hie Ho! Hie Ho!

I have to go back to work today. I really enjoyed my time off of work. It was great. I had a really wonderful time with my family and with my friends. I spent the first three days with my brother and his family. We went swimming and I played with my nieces. I got a chance to visit with my brother and sister and law and that was really nice.

Wensday was of course my birthday. I had originally planned on going to the temple but the first session was really late in the afternoon so I opted to go on Thursday instead. My parents took me out for dinner with my youngest brother. The food was okay but the dessert was excellent. It turned out to be a pretty good birthday.

Thursday was absolutely wonderful. I had planned on going to the temple by myself but I jokingly asked my mom if she wanted to skip work and go with me and she actually did. We had a fantastic day together. We saw the new movie that our church has produced about the life of one of our prophets Joseph Smith. It was so wonderful. Very touching. My mom cried through the whole thing. I cried a little because it was so powerful. After the movie we did some shopping at the local shops and got some lunch. I bought myself a new set of scriptures. They're a set I've been wanting for a long time and they were on sale. I probably spent more than I should but it was worth it. After the stores we went to the temple and went through a session which was great. It was very much needed for both my mom and I.

Friday was also a very good day. I had an appointment with my councilor in the morning. He's impressed with the progress I've made since Ex left and how I'm handling the present situations in my life. So that was good to hear. I had to go the mall after that to buy a couple of things I needed and wandered around there until it was time for my afternoon massage appointment. My parents got me a gift certificate for my birthday. It was wonderful. I hadn't had one in such a long time. Since long before Ex left. He and I met at massage school so we worked on each other. I just didn't take the time after he left to find another therapist. It was great to be worked on again. I could tell my body missed it. After my massage I called Mr. Man on my way to Walmart. We actually had a decent conversation that day. I was going out to his brother's house that night to visit with his wife because we had been good friends growing up and I wanted to see if he wanted to go with me.. He couldn't but we chatted a bit. It was nice. I bought snacks to take over to their house. There was a really bad snowstorm here and my mom wanted me to stay home but I couldn't I needed to get away. So I went anyway. The roads weren't too too bad. I got there okay. It was a beautiful storm. All that beautiful snow. There was even thunder and lightning which is so magical during a snowstorm. I had a great time with Guy and Lady. (That's what I'm going to call Mr. Man's brother and his wife.) Lady made a good dinner and we ate and watched TV until their neighbor's came over to watch movies. It was a good time. After the neighbors left Guy, Lady and I stayed up pretty late visiting. Lady fell asleep eventually but Guy and I still kept chatting. It was nice. Very enjoyable. Guy is very easy to talk to I can see why Lady likes him so much. Guy and I somehow got on the topic of this blog and he wanted to read it so I let him. I told him as he was reading how I gave Mr. Man the address. He asked if he had read it and I told him don't you think he would've talked to me if he had. He conceded the point and said that Mr. Man really needed to read it that it would explain alot of things to him. Which it would but I can't make him. Guy made some delicious blueberry waffles for breakfast the next day. They were so good. I got to really chat with Lady before I had to leave. It was good to talk to her I feel like we've lost track over the years but it was nice to get caught up.

Saturday night I went to a dinner theatre performance of "Grease" with a girl from church. It was her company's work party. It was alot of fun. I even ran into someone I went to high school with and got to talk with her for a bit.

Sunday was of course an eventful day. My mom had to go to the hospital she was having some chest pains everything came back negative for a heart attack but it was definitely scary. My dad had chemo this week so he wasn't feeling very good either but he wouldn't go home to rest till after she was admitted. So I was worried about his sugar levels crashing because he's diabetic too and he hadn't eaten and he hadn't slept very well the night before. He looked awful and my mom was in alot of pain. It was a worrisome to say the least. When I finally got home to change out of my church clothes, I missed church, and eat before I went back I called Mr. Man. And if you read my last post you'll know how well that went. It was a pretty crappy day. Yesterday was much better though. My mom came home and dad rested and was less worried about her. I cleaned the house and a lady from church brought over some dinner for us to eat which was really nice.

So all in all I had a really great vacation and I'm bummed I have to go back to work again. In about an hour actually. It was good to have the time off though. Very recuperating, but back to the working world I must go.

Miss M

Fool

I have been such a fool. A fool to believe that Mr. Man ever cared. My mom is in the hospital right now. She's okay but she has to stay over night. When I came home tired and stressed from sitting with her all afternoon I was sad and I was vulnerable. And I was stupid enough to think that Mr. Man had meant it when he said that we would be friends. I called him because I wanted someone to talk to. I needed someone who'd care. He was kind enough to answer the phone but then he blew me off. It was stupid of me to think that he would be forgiving enough to be there. To listen. To be compassionate. I believed all of his lies all of his deceptions and now I'm left feeling like a fool. I trusted him and he let me down. I was accommodating when he decided to withdraw himself from our relationship. I was trying to be understanding and kind and when I need him to have a 10 minute conversation to tell me that things would be okay he wussed out and left me hanging. I have respected and admired him up until this point in time, but now I am done. I would rather be utterly alone than have some one in my life who is two faced with me. If I'm wrong than I'm sorry but I have given him all the chances that I'm willing to give at this point. I won't be rude to him but I have no more warmth for him. If he ever wants to start a friendship acquaintance or anything at this point he's going to have to do some serious ass kissing. I'm a pretty forgiving person, but even I can take only so much crap before I start to get pist off. Mr. Man was lucky to ever get the attention of a girl like me and he blew it. He has no idea what he just lost. He's a fool.

Miss M

Birthday Eve and Melancholy

My birthday is tomorrow. I'll be 24 years old. I don't mind the number so much. It's not too old and not really too young. It's a pretty good age to be turning, but for some reason I'm feeling a little down, a little blue, a little melancholy. I'll even admit that I cried just a little as silly as that is. Especially because I love birthdays. They've always been joyous, happy occasions for me and I've always looked forward to them, but this one is different somehow. It feels different. Usually you use your birthday as an excuse for making your friends buy you presents and take you out for really fattening dinners. The last few years I had a husband that made them a wonderful excuse to make love to me and be especially tender and loving. An all day worship of all things me and how much he loved me. Even though he hardly ever remembered to buy or could buy me presents he made the day wonderful with his sweetness. Before him I had wonderful friends that would throw me surprise parties and make me watch Xanadu till the wee hours of the morning and take me out to lovely semi expensive dinners. And if I really travel back through time who bought me Popples and Carebears and wore silly hats and ate junk food with me. It was the one day of the year that reminded you of all the wonderful people in your life who loved you and cared for you and as I sit here this evening thinking about tomorrow I realized that I'm a lot more alone than I realized or thought I was. Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful family that is doing their best to celebrate with me. I was taken out for ice cream today and I got a couple of cards and one present from my parents. I had another present that I can't allow myself to accept but that's a completely different subject. Also let me clarify, I'm not upset for the lack of material hurrah, I'm sad for the fact that I have no one with which to hurrah. I have no more husband and no great group of friends. I have one and a half friends. One who lives really far away and that I've never met in person and a half a friend in Mr. Man. Our phone conversation went well so I count him as half a friend at this point in time. Maybe he'll relax enough to really be a friend someday but right now it just isn't possible for him to do that. I am very grateful for the people I have in my life and they mean so much to me I guess I just needed to take this moment to be sad for all the things I've lost and let slip away. I could've and should've been more vigilant in the upkeep of a couple of my friendships and I have only myself to blame for that. And the other friends may have done things that warranted an end to our goings on, but that shouldn't have stopped me from making new friends. I am the reason that I am feeling lonely. I haven't opened myself up to people, afraid of the hurts that they could inflict upon me. That's why I have such a small circle of friends. It actually isn't even big enough to make a circle, good heavens, that's depressing.

I really have to stop thinking this way. It really doesn't do me or anyone else any good. I'm going to be perfectly fine in the morning. I always am. I guess I just needed to be sad a bit before I could remember all the wonderful things that I have in my life. Things are going well and getting better all the time. I feel a little old and alone at this exact moment in time, but when the sun comes up tomorrow I'll be a year older and hopefully a little wiser. I'll have my same cheery disposition and I'll celebrate with all the usual gusto. My cats will just have to wear the silly hats and help me blow out my candles. Next year though will be better because I'll have the next 365 days in which to make new friends and have new relationships. Besides I'll be 25 next year. I'll want to really do it up for my quarter century. So, Happy Birthday to Me! I'll sing my own song this year, but next year there'll be a tiny choir.

Miss M

Quandary

I feel like I'm in a bit of a quandary. I very much want to do what's right and I don't want to cause any undue hurts or pains to anyone, specifically Mr. Man. I talked to couple of different people both of whom have spoken with him recently and although I was glad to have news of him I didn't like the avenues in which it was obtained and the fact that this information was offered to me and not asked for. Or freely given to me by Mr. Man himself. This feels too much like high school. A lot of he said she said which leaves too many things up to interpretation. One person was my friend and would always want to give me information in a way that was pleasing to me and the other was my father who wants to defend and protect me as much as possible. It's very difficult to discern what is truly real and what is sugar coating to spare any hurt feelings on my part. My first instinct is to call him and talk to him myself but I've tried this and he didn't answer and he didn't call me back which is fine that's his choice, but in light of the things that I heard today my desire to call has been reignited again and so thus my quadary, to call or not to call. I do not by any means want to look desperate because I'm not. Nor do I want to make him uncomfortable. I don't want to force my prescence on someone who so obviously does not want it for reasons unknown to me. I'm not even sure if he doesn't want to talk to me because he hates me or if it's too hard for him to sort out his feelings about me when I'm around or for another entirly different reason that I haven't thought of as of yet. I also don't want to look stupid, but what better reason to take the risk than a friendship and possibly for love?

A phone call should not be this difficult. A conversation shouldn't be this hard. I worry not for me because I already know where I stand I just don't want to bother Mr. Man if he doesn't want to be bothered. I want to understand what's going on with him so I can act accordingly. If he wants to be friends than I will be a friend. If he really wants to be left alone than I will leave him alone and if he wants to talk to me again but its too hard to initiate than I will initiate. I guess all I can do is to just be myself and if he doesn't like that than its his responsiblity to communicate that to me more effectively. I just don't want to be pushy and I don't want him to feel guilty for what's in the past. Mr. Man has to figure this out for himself and I don't want him talking to me out of guilt or obligation. If he spends time with me I want it to be because he desires to. I can handle anything that he can dish out. There is nothing that he can throw at me that I haven't already dealt with before. I'm tougher than most peole realize and I've lived a life that has taught me more than some people have learned through out their lives. And that's what it feels like, like I've lived a lifetime before this moment. It kindof makes me feel old but not in a bad way. I am glad for the understanding I have about life and people and relationships. My relationships and my goings on may seem very innocent and naive but it's these little seemingly unimportant decisions that shape our lives into what they are. It took me a long time to learn that. Big decisions may be just that, big, but if you add up all the little decisions that you make every day together than its huge. It makes such an impact. It's an impact that that's staring us right in the face, but we just can't see it dressed in the guise of small unimportant matters when really they make a huge difference.

I think I will eventually call Mr. Man and try to revive our friendship again. I pray that it will go well not because I want him back again but because I feel the absence of his friendship, of his prescence. I don't want to ensnare his affections or convince him of anything. If those things resurface I want them to be because he is offering them freely and without doubt not because I pestered him or guilted him into it. All I'm interested in is clearing the air and putting to death any misunderstandings we may have between us because there seem to be quite a few. If we are friends after that than wonderful, I'll be pleased, but if not, than at least there will be some closure. I myself don't want it to be closed though. Mr. Man was a friend first and foremost and it'll be sad if we can't figure this out. It's just weird. Normally, I wouldn't put in this much effort or thought into a situation like this. I would've written him out of my life and moved on but something keeps whispering to me that there is something more to be gleaned from this and I pray for the understanding of what that reason might be because right now I'm in the quadary of why am I even bothering.

Miss M

When Zombies Attack

I came across an interesting acticle about zombies and I just thought I'd share. I thought it was funny.

http://www.urfixup.com/printthread.php?t=1656

Vacation, Yay!!

I have a vacation coming up and I'm ever so excited. I haven't had a whole lot of time off and it'll be nice to have a break from work. I love what I do but I hate where I work and that makes it difficult. I'm close to being able to do what I really want but I'm not quite there yet, but soon. Anyway I have lots of plans for my week off. It's jammed packed all but one day and I'll be doing lots of driving. I'm going to spend the first three days a couple of hours away with my brother and his family. It'll be great, my nieces are so much fun. Then on my birthday I'll be headed south to where the nearest Temple is. I haven't been able to get back there since I went the first time and I feel a bit like a slacker. I'm really excited for that one. I thought it a very fitting thing to do on my birthday. I have to go by myself but I'm okay with that. It'll give me time to think and reflect and ponder all the things that are going on in my life. I don't have anything planned as of yet for thursday but I might work on a few creative projects I have stewing in the back of my head. Iwant to convert a play I wrote once into a puppet show and start getting some ideas down on paper for the puppets I want to build for it and the theatre I want to build. I also want to do the storyboarding for a children's book I've been working on. There are a few other things I'd like to pull out and work on but we'll see how much time I'll have for that. Besides plans always change and I could have some fantasticly fun thing come up for Thrursday so I'll just have to see. Friday I was invited to come spend the night with a friend of mine that lives out of town a bit. Its not too far away and its a nice drive. I'm really excited for that one because we haven't had a lot of time to just hang out so it'll be good to visit her. Saturday I'm going to a dinner theatre performance of "Grease" with another friend that I haven't had a lot of time to spend with. It'll be alot of fun I love going to the theatre and its always better when you go with good friends. Sunday is of course Sunday one of my most favorite days of the week. I'll have church and that'll be great a nice relaxing day to end my vacation with. Its going to be great and its full up. I'll be very busy and spending good times with people that I care about and that's what life is all about, the moments of your life that you share with others. I have only five more shifts to work till then. I can hardly wait.

Miss M

Friends

Although Mr. Man claims to want to be friends I don't think he's going to be able to. He can barely talk to me. I don't know what the reason can be maybe he misses me too maybe in the course of our odd breakup he hates me or pities me or something I'm not really sure what's going on with him because he won't talk to me. Yeah it hurts that we broke up but the thing that hurts more is I can't talk to him anymore. It was the thing I liked best about him. I don't trust very easily and I don't like to have a whole lot of people in my life and for me to let him in like I did, like I do is huge. Even though he's probably thinking I'm pining away for him I'm not. I lament the passing of a friendship. I'm upset about the way he feels it necessary to talk to me now, because he looks like an idiot because he's making no sense and his word is law. There is no room for me in our conversations. They don't even feel like conversations it feels more like mini sermons. I feel very much patronized. It almost feels as if he feels like I should be learning from this and that he is so wise. But Mr. Man, he just doesn't get it. I don't need someone who knows nothing about life and relationships telling me what is best. Not that I am all knowing but I am all knowing when it comes to me. As far as I'm concerned the whole break up thing is forgiven and forgotten my only goal is to revive a friendship that I miss. I just want some one to talk to, someone to hang out with on my days off, someone to tease and laugh with. Those things are possible but only when Mr. Man decides that he is okay with that. When he stops tip toeing around me like some injured animal that could strike any minute or like a love starved school girl who'll jump on him the first moment we're alone. Because those things are not going to happen I have too much self rescpect and pride to lower myself to that level. He must think those things will happen because he told me if we ever were to spend time together to not be offended if he brought somebody along and that there offended me. What does he think I'm going to do? I could care less if we hang out with a bunch of people but I for sure don't want a chaperone. I'm 24 years old (in eight days) and if I still need a chaperone at this point in my life than I shouldn't be dating or talking to people at all. But maybe the chaperone isn't for me. Maybe he doesn't trust himself to be alone with me. Maybe I have this all wrong maybe he is still buggered by me. Even though he was the one that ended it withme doesn't mean that he doesn't still care and is hurting just as bad as I have. And if that's the case if he still cares then why end it all in the first place? I guess I'm just confused and why I think its so important for us to talk because I want this sorted away so that Mr. Man and I can go back to being frineds and look and this whole mess and laugh at ourselves. Because we are both acting like idiots as far as I'm concerned. This whole situation is almost laughable if it didn't hurt so much.

The way I figure it is, love is the thing that is worth the risk and hurt above anything else in life, because it's love. We should be cautious in the people that we love but once we find them then all else should fall away. We should be careful in the speed of things too but we shouldn't let it go because we are scared and unsure. Love is powerful and magical and if we honor it all the other doubts and fears in life go away. There is a joy in love that can only be comprehended when you are in love whole heartedly not just a little bit. Tasting it cannot be enough you have to drink it in let it wash over your whole body in every aspect of your life and then everything in the world around you looks new and fresh again because you are looking at it with love's eyes with love's flame burning within you. Nothing is impossible and nothing will stop you when you decide to let yourself be in love. You can conquer anything. You can accomplish all your goals and dreams. I want that, not transient infatuation, not a starry eyed boy who just likes the idea of what having someone can be like. I want someone who is affected to their core who aches when I aches who is Joyous when I'm joyous and I will do the same for them. There is a sweetness in being loved and in loving. I miss that. That was the hardest thing to give up when it came to Ex. It was hard to let that sweetness die after he went away. To have the rythmn of my life change. I don't miss him anymore, but I want to be able to love somone again and have them stick around. I don't want temporary gratification or the facade of love I want the real thing. I want something eternal. Something that will last forever and since I don't have someone like that right now I'll continue doing what I know to be right and true. Strive each day to make myself a better woman, a better saint, a better friend and daughter and sister than I was yeasterday. Then one day one of these tomorrows will bring a new beginning a new chance at love and happiness. And if that chance never comes than, oh well, I'm happy knowing that I'm doing my best and striving each day to please my Father in Heaven, because I am never really alone, He is always there.

Now I would be remiss if I did not mention how the kindness of another friend is invaluable to me. Internet guy is there like always listening to me talking with me and laughing with me. His friendship means alot to me and I am glad to have it in my life. I'm grateful that we have as much fun as we do even though we live so far away from each other. One of these days I'm sure we'll be able to hang out in person but I'm happy with the way things are right now and since I know that he reads this I just wanted him to know that. That I value our friendship and that it is a treasure to me.

Miss M

Idiot.....and not the happy kind.

I had yet another lengthy phone conversation with Mr. Man tonight. We had a misunderstanding yesterday. He made it seem as if we would continue with our plans for the weekend but doing so as friends. So tonight I called him to ask him what time to expect him for our plans this saturday. But to my surprise, Mr. Man had left town to go visit his twin brother a little ways from where we live. So now not only have I been uncerimoniously dumped I know feel stood up and stupid. He also felt it necessary to rehash and discuss again the happenings and realizations from yesterday. Dumped, stood up, stupid and now humiliated. I very much wanted to see some wisdom in his decision but now I'm getting a little frustrated and angry. Mr. Man has been very unkind in his treatment of me whether he is justified or not. I am not so much upset by the end result because I will not force or coerce anyone into loving or caring for me or even pretending too, but I am upset by his seemingly unfeeling attitude towards me. It painted it so cut and dry with no wiggle room for anything else. I'm probably wrong. I'd hate to think that he really is the way he appears to be in the this moment, but I would very much like an apology for the mishandling of this situation. As a result of his swiftness and eagerness to be with me I am now left feeling used and betrayed. I also feel somewhat cheap and trashy. I allowed myself to be intimate with him not in an obviously sexual way but in a more innocent physicalness. Holding his hand leaning against him snuggling with him. I fell asleep on him the other day too. Things that some would say is natural but to me are very big physical intimacies that I participated in only because I was under the impression that he meant the things that he said that things were headed towards the more eternal realm. Besides my ex he is the only person that I have allowed to be that close to me. Yes I have kissed more boys than just my ex but I believe that the little physical things are sometimes more intimate. The closeness of it. Body next to body breath with breath. Fingers and hands clasped together in trust and mutal respect and regard. I allowed him to touch me, my hair, my face, my back, my sides I allowed him to look in my eyes with out a wall. Innocent and seemigly unimportant as they are I am not the type of person to let just anyone get that close to me. Hence the Ex and Mr. Man being the only persons to whom I found worthy of that part of me. Maybe it is my fault for trusting so readily and quickly. For believing him when he sold me paper wings. Mr. Man says that he meant all the things that he said but that the timing was off and we went too fast, but honestly I'm not sure what to believe. I spent that last four years of my life being manipulated by a master manipulator. Ex hardly ever used cruel word against me. He used my love to control me. He twisted it and used it for his own means and to work his own schemes and I followed him blindly. I doubt that Mr. Man outright lied. I believe him to a certain degree but in the same breath this feels too familiar. The hurt however unintentionally and innocently inflicted feels the same. It hurts double because not only do I feel the pains of now but it brings to the surface again the pains caused by Ex and by the past. I don't like that they are swimming together in the same murky pond because I do believe that Mr. Man was honorable and that he's just trying to do what's best for both of us.

I would have liked to have been apart of this decision. I feel like things have gone to far for him to have made such a strikingly unilatteral decision with out me and with out my just as valid opinions. I have a wisdom that he doesn't comprehend. Yes, he may be following the council of very wise and righteous men but sometimes we must find our own paths within the very basics of what we believe. Some answers do not fit all circumstances and I feel that we have very unique cicumstances. I feel that I could have shared and expressed very valid things not to persude him in my direction but to use our experience as an oppurtunity to learn. So that we can move on to other people or to pick up and try again. If anything to make a very wonderful friendship even stronger and more wonderful because we have come to an understanding of the other person. I still feel that we should have slowed down and come at this from a different angle intead of him calling it quits because there was something left there to salvage. Now, if Mr Man decides that I am someone he wants to be with and he is for sure, it'll be harder the next time around for him to calm the pot that he stirred up and he'll have to work double time to make it right again. Which from my understanding of our conversations is a possiblity that he entertains as a maybe. Mr. Man did promise me that if we were to come together again at some point in time in the future that it would be permanent and he would be doing so with no doubts in his heart. That the next time would be for certain. At this point I'll cross that bridge when and if it comes right now I'm double checking and being more cautious because I still feel as if I'm still wandering through a minefield who's end and goal I am not sure of. I generally feel like an idiot and not the silly kind.

Miss M

Cold Feet and Confusion

I guess it would be asking to much that life continue to go as smooth as it has been. There is to be opposition in all things and its that opposistion that helps us to appreciate when we've got it good. Things have been going rather nicely with Mr. Man he was even talking about making me Mrs. Mr. Man. A delightful but terrifying concept to say the least. I'm still sure thats the eventual direction that things will go in but as of right now Mr. Man is a little scared and I don't blame him having startling clarity of thought I just didn't expect it to hurt so much. And I definatly didn't think I would respect his decision or him after the blow he dealt me. We had a really long phone conversation last night as I got off of work. Mr. Man just wants to know for certain that the direction we are headed in is the right one and while he is battling his doubts and fears he didn't think it prudent to continue in our current path so he called a sortof hiatus on our relationship albeit fledgling. He made some good points but it was a little too late considering he'd already practically promised me the world. These were things that should have been entertained and discussed before he defined us as boyfriend and girlfriend. So as of now we are friends as crappy as that is. I know that it is his youth and inexperience that is driving all this but I hate being a practice girlfriend and told him as much. I said alot of things that he probably didn't want to hear but he started it, he opened that can of worms. I have a feeling that there are going to be a lot more serious heartfelt conversations before its all over but that they are needful for us if we want to end up together. Although I still maintain my same certainty that we are going to be together I'm still reeling for the hurt that was inflicted even though he didn't intend to hurt me. Its just that this hurt is all too familiar and I was hoping that he would never be in the same boat as the ex. I don't like being pushed aside not because I am not what they wanted or needed but because of their own self detrimental attitudes. Granted Mr. Man's attitudes and reason are a bit more sane and valid but these are also concerns that we could have figured out together and simply been cautions of the speed of our relationship instead of calling a devasting time out. I'm just confused at the timing of it all I just hope he figures it all out before its too late for me to let him back into my heart again. I don't have it in me to be hurt too much more. I miss him already.

Miss M

New Year

It’s amazing to me how quickly love can creep up on you. I am completely in awe of the direction my life has taken in the last little while. I am headed in a direction that I thought I would never see again and if I did, it would’ve been a long time from now. Mr. Man is wonderful. He amazes me. We’ve spent some great time together and each time I see him I fall for him a little bit more. It’s the way he talks to me that has me won over the most. I can feel it in his tone, in the words that he says, and the actions that follow how much of a respect and a regard he has for me. It baffles me what he sees in me that warrants such a genuine affection. Mr. Man seems so in awe of what we’ve started. Sometimes he seems mesmerized at the sight of our fingers interlocked together as we hold each other’s hand. It feels so great when he pulls me into him for a deep but innocent embrace. His hands on my back and touching my hair his face against my cheek is glorious and I have never felt safer. The sensation of it all makes my breath catch and my heart race. Thinking on it now makes my face blush not for the physicality of it but for all the emotion that goes into our hugs. It’s delightful to say the least and wonderful. I loved my ex but he did not, could not and would not have ever been able to do for me in a lifetime what Mr. Man has done in a week. A very big part of my heart is healing. Part of me wishes that I didn’t have to pay the horrible price I paid to learn the lessons I’ve learned, but in my heart of hearts and deep with in my soul I know that I would never have been able to fully appreciate what’s happening now if not for what has gone before. I would not change my past even if I could. I have made many choices that some would call mistakes and things that I should regret, but I don’t. The path I followed as hard and difficult as it has been has made me who I am and I wouldn’t change that for anything. I am proud of the person I have become and that person has attracted some one into my life that is going to truly care for me and someone to whom I can fully return that same affection and love. I am truly blessed. Now that the New Year has come I am seeing the dawn that I had prayed for so many times over the last year. The trials I have endured have refined me into the woman that I never thought I could be. As difficult and dark and hopeless that the last year has been, it’s so glorious to finally see all the darkness start to fade away. I don’t think that the road will be any easier but now I have the light to warm my face and light my path and someone who is willing to walk it with me and is ready to stand with me and not shirk the hardships that lay ahead. Even as I write this it seems so odd to know something so profound so early in the relationship but I do. Its truthfulness burns with in me and I cannot deny it. I’m terrified at the surety that I have regarding Mr. Man and this love that we’ve started, as young as it may be, but I will hold to this direction. I will not fear happiness because now I have the faith that I deserve it. I don’t always feel like its mine, this chance of be being truly happy, but I will not turn from the possibility because I fear. If this opportunity passes it will not be because I am afraid. I claim the right to be loved, to be happy.  Happy New Year!

Miss M

*Happy Sigh*

He’s smitten. He just can’t help himself because I rock. I can’t blame him for falling for me because I am so fantastic. He makes me feel fantastic. Mr. Man is doing a wonderful job of joining me in the ranks of silly idiot-hood. Last Sunday we could barely keep our eyes off each other.  We exchanged smiles and glances whenever we got the chance. He was so excited to talk to me he just about jumped out of the pew to say hi to me and ask me how I was. It was so obvious that his dad just kept grinning and smirking at us and my mom kept elbowing me and smiling. It was great. He’s great. I can’t help but smile just thinking about it. I never thought that I would ever want to, be able to or have the opportunity to fall in love again. I’m not saying that I’m completely fallen yet but its sure starting, for the both of us. Monday at our singles group we got to talk and ride over together and then afterward I drove him to his dad’s work to drop something off. Mr. Man’s dad is and air traffic controller at the local airport and he invited me up to see. It was amazing. You could see so far all around and the cities were so beautiful all lit up for the night. I even got to see them land one of the planes. It was awesome. I leaned over to tell Mr. Man how cool it was and when our fingers brushed he snatch my hand and into his and held it while he gently caressed my hand with his thumb. Oh I just about swallowed my heart and I nearly stopped breathing. It was extraordinary the feelings that washed over me when he was holding my hand. It was only for a moment but what a moment it was. Later when I was taking him back to his car at the church we sat in the parking lot and talked for a good while. He had told me earlier that my being married before didn’t bother him and part of me didn’t trust that that was true so I asked him again to be sure. When I did he took my hand again and held it. Gently touching it and stroking it. It doesn’t bother him at all. How absolutely amazing and wonderful that is. I’ve been noticing him for a long time now and to have him return the regard and affection was more than I could have ever imagined. I am so happy and excited to see where this all goes.

Miss M