Randomness

I really have no one thing I want to talk about or any completly complete thoughts. I've got alot of things on my mind..........

First off I am changing Internet Guy's nic name on here he will hence forth and forever be known to you as Tiger. Internet guy doesn't seem to fit him any more.

So yeah, ever since Tiger actually bought his plane ticket I've been hyped up on anticipation. I try not to think about it to much and keep everything in perspective. I want to stay in reality as much as possible. I'm finding out that that is a very difficult task. My daydreams are getting away from me and I get caught up into such interesting and beautiful thoughts when it comes to him. Its nice but I don't want those things to be in the back of my mind when he comes. I want to enjoy seeing him as is, nothing more, no unrealistic expectations. As much as I try to rebel against my girlie tendency I find myself curious about a life with him and I haven't even met him yet. Last night made me really wonder. Tiger has been tired on the phone with me before but he almost fell asleep on the phone last night. I liked hearing how his breathing changed and I couldn't help but wonder what he looked like falling asleep. How his hair would lay where he had is arms, if he slept on his tummy or side, with a teddy bear. :) I don't know these things and it would be interesting if I was ever privileged to know such things. Who knows I'm just wondering out loud. It doesn't really mean anything I don't think. At least I hope not at this point. Right now meeting him is all I want to handle, because you really can't know if more is what you want till you see them, touch them, watch them intereract in your world. Besides he's also my best friend, that should be enough. It is enough, it is, but sometimes the girl in me gets carried away a bit. They are nice thoughts but his friendship is the most important. I don't want to lose that so, Tiger, don't freak out when you read this. I'm just being a silly girl...................

I being realeased from my calling at church. I was in charge of the young single adults program for awhile. I'm glad I'm not giong to be doing it anymore. It wasn't a good situation. I'm curious about what my next calling is going to be though. I want new oppurtunities to serve. I'd kindof like to teach but I don't want to be in primary even though I love it there. I just think Relief Society is where I need to be, where I want to be. I like feeling grown up like I belong there. That wasn't always the case. I felt like all the ladies were just my moms friends but now they feel like my friends. I like the feeling of sisterhood in Relief Society.......................

I haven't kept you updated on my dad very well lately. For awhile though his cancer was in remission and I wasn't too worried about it but he's been having some stomach problems and when he went in for his scan they found out that the cancer is back and its bigger than it has ever been before. I thought that it was back a couple weeks before his scan but I didn't want to believe it. He had chemo the other week and it was really hard on him. I don't like seeing him sick and uncomfortable. I want him to live forever but I don't like the chemo. I couldn't ask him to stop though or eventhink about it because with chemo at least he has a chance to be around awhile and without it it wouldn't be long before he wasn't here anymore. I'm not ready for him to die yet. I've noticed that the sadness around death is really sortof selfish in a way, sortof. People including myself think about how much they'll miss them. I know for me I think about of really selfish things when it comes to my dads illness and I have alot of guilt about the past and the things that I took away from him. Like how he might not ever dance with me at my wedding or see my children because I was stupid so many years ago and screwed up. Now I might not have those special memories with him. Now he might pass away without ever meeting my husband the person he'll have to entrust with the care and loving of his only daughter. If I could ask for one thing before this illness is that my dad can see me seattled before he goes, if he has to go. I'd rather he didn't have to be sick or dying at all........................

I have lots of other things on my mind but I can't seem to gather them in well enough to type them out. Its all a swirl, but for once I don't feel mixed up, I just feel preoccupied and antsy. I'm all squirmy I want to get up and go but I also just want to be still, breathe deeply, close my eyes and wait for the next big thing to happen.

I want it to be September.

Miss M

I Shall Hum His Praise

My best friend is coming. Internet guy finally bought his plane ticket and he’s going to be here in Illinois the second weekend of September. It causes me to take a moment to seriously reflect on the last year and all the things that brought me to this place in time. It’s been a rough year to say the least but I owe a lot of its surprising smoothness to this great friend of mine. Its amazing to me that a moment of desperation and an incredible act bravery (considering my circumstances) in a silly chat room brought me one of the most wonderful friends I have ever had.

I made the grievous mistake of comparing this great friend of mine to my ex, mostly in my head, because I wanted to deny the fact that I liked him and that he had become important to me more than I had anticipated. No man friend or otherwise was going to be allowed in my inner sanctum again. I had banished men from me and my heart in all their forms. He ever so gently managed to talk me toward the chink in the wall I had built around myself to listen to his idealistic whimsy and kind, unfettered laughter. Like water his delightful personality and kindness washed over my bitter and insecure self and began to wear away my wall, eroding it away so gently that I didn’t even know it was happening until it was too late and I was exposed. But I find myself standing in that position smiling, albeit feeling a bit like a turtle without its shell waiting to see if the person in front of me is friend or foe.

I’m not used to the things that he says and does and I’m baffled at how quickly I ramble myself into a weird mumbly corner every time he does or says something that catches me off guard. This is definitely different from what I am used to from men. I knew and with Ex all together for over four years and in all that time he bought me one gift I actually liked. Everything else I had to buy for myself because not only did he not know me well enough to pick something to my taste but he also usually forgot the days that nice things were traditional. Internet Guy sent me one care package and in that one little shoe box he set a new standard because it didn’t have just one thing it was filled with many things that were perfect and I didn’t even have to tell him. It wasn’t the stuff that impressed me but the fact that he was thoughtful enough and paid attention to me enough to know me. He is my best friend and that alone is amazing. It feels like a gift and miracle. I doubt that he has any idea that when I babble on so strangely after something nice he’s said that he’s just demolished some perception of myself or men that had been long standing in my psyche and it baffles me and I ramble on as I try to process it. He probably thinks I’m nuts, but a cute kind of nuts. :)

I hum when life is blissful. It drives the girls I hang out with nuts, but it’s true, I hum when I’m blissfully happy and wonderfully content and as terrifying as it is to admit, Internet Guy makes me this kind of happy. I’m not sure what’s going to happen between us when the smoke and mirrors of our never having met are gone but I do know that his friendship has been a pivotal part of my life. It has marked me and changed me in the most positive of ways. So when I’m wandering the delightfully whimsical paths of my day dreams and hum to myself know that I am humming his praise because him and his friendship that has made those paths beautiful again.

Miss M

Oh Crap!

Internet guy is wonderful. He's a wonderful friend and from what I can tell a wonderful brother and son. Also wonderfully talented in many ways, and he'll be talented and exceptionally wonderful at most everything he tries. I'm sure he'll also be a wonerful boyfriend and husband someday but I don't think I'll be the girl that gets to figure that out. My friend he posted a blog a little bit about me. And he's right about all of the things he said. I do like him. I like him and care for him a great deal, but in the same breath I'm unsure of how I feel about that. We've kindof talked on the edge of this topic before but I don't think he realizes how deeply I've already thought about this. I'm terrified of what the possibilities could be and the consequences of trying to make something more happen between us. I'm mostly afraid of losing his friendship because it is a most precious and treasured thing to me. I'm not even a hundred percent sure how he feels about me other than just friends. I'm afraid to ask. But who better to fall for but your best friend?

Things are very complicated though. My dad is very very sick. I don't have a lot of freedom or energy to go wild goose chasing at the chance of something more. If anything happens it would have to come from Internet Guy. He would have to say the words first and when he comes reach for me because I just don't have it in me to do it first anymore. I need more faith in him before I can take the leap and if its not really what he meant or what he wants I am content with our friendship as is.

So I say to him, if he's up to it then I'm game.

Oh crap. I think I'm nuts. :)

Miss M


Link to his blog:
http://syglyfe.blogspot.com/

Little Box of Happiness

My best friend is Internet guy. We've known each other for over a year now and its rare for us to go a day with out phoning each other and talking for at least an hour. Out of everyone, with the exception of my family, he knows the most about me. There are very few things that I keep from him. He's the greatest. Internet guys friendship has been a rock for me this past year. Its provided me a stablity in a friendship that I have never known before in a relationship. I apreciate and treasure him like nothing else. He means a great deal to me.

Saturday I sleep in pretty late and when I get up and step out of my room my mom is waiting for me. She's grinning like a little kid and tells me, "Theres a box for you upstairs on the ledge. " In my half awake delirium I was like "wha?" So she told me again and I went flying up the stairs to find it. At the top awaited something so glorious that its hard to describe for you how wonderful I felt to see Internet guys name on the return address. It was fantastic. I couldn't stop grinning and I hadn't even opened it yet. I finally open it and am greeted with a sweet letter a top the tissue paper and newspaper. It was a lovely letter of sincere friendship and kindness. I got a little teary just reading it. It had been sooo long since someone genuinly and selflessly did something nice for me just because...............just because they wanted to.

Under the tissue paper and newspaper was the most wonderful trinkets hand picked just for me. Nailing to a T my humor, my tastes and my sillinesses. No one has more accuratly figured me out before. It was a desperatly need ray of sunshine and hope. I have the greatest best friendever. I have never know a friendship like ours before. It was refreshing and appreciated.

And not only did I get this delightful box but Internet guy and I had glorious good times on the phone and on the web cam this last weekend. I grin just thinking about it. I'm very happy and I'm happy with out expectaions and with out manipulations. He's just my friend and that's enough. I am content with my friend and his little box of happiness. It nice to be treated this way. Its been a long time. Thank you. I know you read this and I hope you know how much I love our friendship.

Miss M

Confusion

I don't have a lot of time so this is going to be a short post, sorry. I promised to write a good long one sooon.

Anyway, I'm sick and tired of being so damn confused all the time. I'm tired of the fellas around me sending mixed and wishy washy signals. I work really hard to not send confusing signals and I hope peole realize that I'm friendly enough that when I do I'm okay with them talking to me about it. I know how much I would love it if I could just go up and be straight forward with someone with out them freaking out and being understanding so I am willing to do that for others. I will answer any question and answer for my actions. I know I'm not perfect and if upset or confused anyone I want them to know its okay to talk to me about it.

There have been several instances of exteme mixed signals and confusion and they involve every guy I'm talking to. It couldn't just be one guy confusing me but all of them. Sock Man, Mr. Man, EX, The Oaf, Bug Eyes, Mr. Iowa, Internet guy II, and the original internet guy. ( And since I know internet guy reads this don't freak out its not a big deal if you want I'll talk to you about it later, but we've basicly talked about it already. ) You know listing them out is kindof funny. I didn't realize I was talking to or involved with so many guys. Most of them are doofuses and friends only a couple do I have any real interest in. One interest kindof surprised me but that's for another time. But I'm very frustrated. I'm tired of boys. If they weren't so important to my life long and eternal goals I'd write them out completly. I'll get over it in a day or two so don't take me too too seriously but I am rather upset by it all at this point and time.

That's it for my rambling for now, but I wanted to say HI to Norway. I have a site meter which tracks who comes on my site and which country they're from and someone from Norway is becoming a faithful reader. So, Hi Norway! And to everyone else who visits don't hesitate to leave comments or what not it'd be fun to hear from ya.

Miss M

Socks and Soda Pop

I think I've met someone new. He seems to be fantastic, but then again I haven't known him for very long. We met a few weeks agao at a YSA FHE at a Bishops home. He loved my socks. They were bright orange with monkeys. I've decided that they are now my lucky socks. I'ved dubbed this new guy Sock Man because of how he reacted to them. He sat down next to me and told me taht they were fantastic socks that he loved 'em. He went on and on about them for a bit. Now mind you this is even before he introduced himself or said hi. Thats what made it so funny. The Wenesday after he invited himslef down to hang out on Saturday. He went to a comedy club with me and The Captain. I saw him on Monday for Volleyball and then I went up to my brother's for the weekend and that jsut happens to be the same area where Sock Man lives so we went out friday with his friend Bug Eyes and saw a movie. Sock man opened all the doors and paid my admission. I wasn't expecting him to do that. Saturday He and I got a quick dinner which he also paid for before seeing another movie. I paid that time I got in line first. :) It was only fair. The really nice and unexpected thing he did is we were eating dinner and I went to take a sip of my Soda and I swirled it first to see how much was left, it was a little low, and before I could even take a sip he asked if I needed more pop took my cup asked what I had and went refilled it. It all happened so quickly. It was unreal. Shocking really. I loved it. How wonderful was that. he was just on top of things on that one. I was very impresssed.

I saw him Sunday at church before I headed home. Monday he came down to spend The Fourth of July with me and my friends and my family. He stayed over night Monday and went to the Ward pancake breakfast on Tuesday morning. I saw him Five days in a row. I saw him again on Friday at our Stake's YSA dance. He asked me to dance first thing before anyone else. Sock Man is a wonderful dancer. I had such a blast. He stayed out with us until three in the morning and then drove the hour and a half home. He was going to come down again Saturday but had homework to do. I should see him tonight at singles. Then Friday and Saturday some of us are going camping and hes coming. Its been insane. I love it. I have had so much fun. It seems like such a whirlwind but its not really going that fast. Its just been a whole lotta fun. its great. I love that he loved my socks and I loved that he refilled my soda. For some reason those thngs really tickled and impressed me. I can get used to this socks and soda pop thing.

Miss M

Appreciated

I honestly didn't think that Mr. Man would acknowledge the email I sent him. I assumed that he'd continue to pretend that I no longer existed. I was wrong. I saw him at institute yesterday. he walked in and saw me sitting on the couch in the foyer and his face grew a smile and he gave me this sideways look and told me that he appreciated the email and that he appreciated the friendship as well. He looked at me a little funny. I'm not really sure how to interpret the look but it seemed like a good one. After that Mr. Man flopped himself on the couch across from me and we set about having a lovely conversation, one that we were so engrossed in that the teacher had to come out and remind us to come in to class. I sat by him like I do just about every week. Normally my presence is generally tolerated and for short moments pleasant but that night he seemed to be happy I was there next to him. It was comfortable. After institute we talked together outside by our cars for another half hour or so. We were the last ones to leave the parking lot. It was really hard to walk away from him. He seemed a little hesitant too.

This is going to be a lot harder than I originally thought. I thought it would make it alot easier not having around anymore, that my head wouldn't be so muddled and confused, but his not being here means that he won't be here. Yeah I know, duh, but really I'm not sure which is worse. There must be something bigger going on here that I'm not seeing. There has to be a reason that all of this is happening, a reason for how all of this is going down.

I need to stop falling in love.

Mr. Man says he appreciates me I just wish he could appreciate me more. So much more that he'd either stay or take me with him. That's the way I would choose for it to go but there must be another path for me to take, away from him. I hope its a prettier, easier path. It can have thorns and what not but hopefully the flowers would hide the thorns because I have someone to walk it with. Right now all I see is the thorns not the beauty.

At least I'm appreciated.

Thats something I guess.

Miss M

Leaving Brings a New Calm

Well Mr. Man is moving. That makes me feel so much better. I think its stupid where and who with but he' s going and I think that that's the important thing. The swirl and the mess of our drama was getting to be a bit much. It's a relief. He's moving to Ohio with his parents, and his sister and new brother-in-law are going to move too. They are all going to live together in one house. It the dumbest thing that the Contessa and Buttman could do when embarking in their new life together. I've lived with parents. Its nice when it is necessary when you have no choice but I would never do it if I could choose to otherwise. It's hard enough to establish who you are as a couple and even harder when your parents are down the hall or in my case walking in your room when ever they flipin feel like and acting shocked at what they might be walking in to. My ex mother in law was nutty. We'll just leave it at that. She could be an entire blog in and of its self. Anyway back to my original point.....

I also think Mr. Man is making a mistake in moving with his family. Not that he shouldn't move he should, just not with his parents. What he should do and the thing that would be the very best would be that he just move out on his own no matter where that is, here or anywhere else. I think Mr. Man would be much happier standing on his own and I think that in doing so it'd give him that missing piece to him that if he had it would almost make him perfect. He would be a real man, not just a scared boy trying and pretending to be one.

If he were the friend that we were when we first found each other I think I'd miss him more when he leaves but not now, not as much as I would have. I probably still will a little because I do love him, but love doesn't always mean you get to keep them. If that happened then life would be too perfect and it just doesn't happen that way for me. It's sad because now the only two men that I've ever loved are both gone. I didn't get to keep either of them. I'm sure its for the best and that I'm just not seeing the whole picture, that I don't have the perspective I need to make all of this easier.

I did something slightly stupid. I emailed Mr. Man. I didn't want him moving away from here thinking that everyone hated him. I wanted him to know that at least one person thought that he was something great. Sometimes that's all people need is to have someone else acknowldege their goodness before they believe it. My mom, who is never shy about telling me when I'm being a silly girl and who knows all that went on, read my saved draft of the email letter and said that it was good and that it may be just the thing that he needed to know before he left. So I feel a little less stupid. Also my goodest friend reassured me as well. He knows just about as much as my mom does. So I'm trusting their judgement on the situation. I just couldn't let him go with out knowing what it is he really did and what he was to me. He did more than he will ever realize.

Here's what I wrote to Mr: Man:

'Mr. Man'

I heard that you were going to be moving. I was going to let the time pass and not say anything but I felt it was necessary to tell you some of the things that are on my mind. I'm not sure if its for my benifit or yours but I felt it needful to share with you some things. I know that you probably stopped caring about what I think a long time ago and that this is probably the worst thing I could do, to be writing you, but it seems like the right thing to do.

I want to compliment you on the person that you are. I know that things are weird between us now but before all thats come since we dated, you and I were close. You came into to my life at a time when I needed a friend the most. I think that in that time and moment you were flawless. Your friendship was a breathe of fresh life that I desperatly needed. Every crisis I had and every moment of doubt you addressed with perfection. Even in the months since our breakup you had a delicacy with my tender insecurities that surpass any expectation anyone could have had and that no one else could have done for me as well as you did. There is an appreciation for you that I doubt that I could convey to you with any sort of accuracy but which seems to be the thing I want you to remember the most. I think that it is important to tell the people in your life who effect you profoundly that you appreciate them.

I won't pretend that I know you pefectly but this I think I know about you is that you strive to do the best that you know you can do. You push yourself and work dilligently to reach the goals that you've set. I also see that at times you can be very hard on yourself, and think that you've failed when things don't go as planned. I thought it important that you should know that someone thinks of you and sees in you many wonderful things. Sometimes in order to believe the good things about ourselves we have to hear them from someone else.

I'm sorry for the things that I may have done or said that were hurtful or unpleasant to you or your family. I hope that this move will be something wonderful for you as terrifying or difficult as it may or may not be. Change is always diffucult. I don't know whether you want to be my friend or not but you should know that you will always be mine. That if there is ever anything that you need that I will be ready and willing to help you in anyway I can. You are someone worth the effort and that my caring for or loving you doesn't mean that I want to keep you but that I want all the happiest and best things that life can give to be yours.

Thank you for all the happy an wonderful moments you've shared with me. I'm sorry to see you and your family leave here.

'Miss M'


So now that it's done its too late to take it back. I think I sent it too early though he isn't leaving until the end of July so I have the next month and a half to run into him in the hallways at church and feel awkward. I should have waited.

Eh.............

Oh well..........

I think I'm going to miss him, a little bit, maybe. I'm not sure yet. There's a calmness that comes over me knowing that he's leaving. We'll see if that's really how its going to be.

Miss M

I make you sick........

I think I'm just a little high strung and stressed out. I think I've been really tired lately because I'm not dealing with the things I need to. I know that I put on a pretty good show for everyone that knows me but I'm basicly depressed and I'm tired because it takes a great deal of effort to pretend not to see what's in front of me. What really bugs is that there really isn't all that much that I should be depressed about. My life is pretty good. All the things I don't like about my life are fixable and changeable. I hate thinking about how pathetic and empty my life feels sometimes. I feel so shallow and useless. The things that I get upset about are childish and silly. I actually have some problems that could really use my attention but its easier to dwell on these stupid and superficial problems.

I made my cat sick. My cat Mickey has been having some health issues and is having some problems with the litter so I took him to the vet yesterday. The vet said he was healthy and fine doing pretty good and said that his potty problems were proobably behavioral and asked if anything was going on at home that might be upseting him. My cats tie into my emotions pretty well. Mickey especially worries about me he always stays close. It made me want to cry that Its more and likely my fault he's acting strange. My stupid meloncholy is making him sick. Its probably my inablity to face things and deal with them head on thats been making me sick as well. Reading the stuff I spew on here makes me nauseous. I can't believe some of the trivial and stupid things I go on and on about. Doesn't it make you sick too?

Grrr........

I'm really going to work hard on changing my attitude and my life. This is all getting so ridiculous. I mean Ex has been gone over a year and Mr. Man and I broke up in January. I should be over these things by now. Whats my problem? Good heavens! I just want to cry at the stupidest things. I feel so stupid. The littlest of things get me sooo upset and I work myself into these girly funks and I want to hide from the world. I really just want to go to sleep for a really long time and hide in my room for a good bit of time. Hopefully I'd reemerge a less stupid person and get over my self and my imaginary problems. I want to be just about anywhere but here. I hate it here, but I don't think it would be different. It would be the same everywhere beecause I would be the same because I haven't changed and I'm not changing. I'm just stagnating and I hate that. I hate feeling like this.

I used to be happy.

I remember being a happy person. I used to feel joy in all things. I had so much hope and gumption. I was fearless. Tenacious. I was a spitfire. People say I'm still all these things and I'm sure that for the most part I am, but at night I'm alone with myself. Alone with this sad, tired and heartbroken woman who feels like a child lost, wandering this gigantic world all by myself. I hate being alone. But the kindof man that I want wouldn't want the girl that I am right now. I'm not a good enough person solo so I won't be much use in a partnership. And that's what I wnat is a partnership and it wouldn't be fair of me to rely on someone else for my sole happiness. That has to come from with in before I'm much use to anyone else. But In the same breathe it would be so nice to have someone to lean on right now. Not just figuratively but actually lean on them. It would be nice to just sit close to someone and lay my head on their shoulder and close my eyes and breathe it all in and then cry it all out. To have someone else carry the load for awhile and deal with life for a bit while I gather my strength. It would be wonderful to have someone to care for again. I miss that I miss having another warm body laying next to me in the dark. Even though Ex was terrible there was comfort in knowing that when I reached out in the stillness that his warmth would be there and sometimes he was something good and he'd lift me up and protect me from the world, from myself. He saw in me something that no one else saw. I miss loving and being loved. I don't miss him. I sometimes miss Mr. Man. (Those sometime are getting farther and farther apart though.) No one else has ever made me feel so taken care of, respected and cherished as I felt when I was with him. Our relationship was flawless while we dated. It wasn't until until he decided he was done that it turned into something so heartwrenching. Which is the way it always goes I guess. I still don't know why he broke up and its basicly been a nightmare since.

I'm really getting sick of other people's decisions affected my life so dramaticlly. They make a unilateral stupid decision and I'm left with the consequences and they go off unscathed. I'm getting a little tired of cleaning up the mess that others have caused. It shouldn't be this complicated. Love is a simple thing. We, as people, are the idiots that make it complicated. It wasn't meant to be this hard.

Miss M

Jittery

I am so tired. I'm generally exhausted all of the time. So going to sleep at night should be no problem, right? Nope. Its a huge problem. I love my bed. Love it. It's fantastic. Its comfy it's just the right temperature, the perfect blankies and pillows the most wonderful kitties to keep me company but yet, no sleep. Wonderful bed, no sleep.

Grrr....grr. Blah!

This blows. I'm all jittery. My mind is racing a million miles an hour and I can't focus on just one thing it jumps around and is going crazy. I really don't have much to think about either. I mean I do but most of it is out of my hands and I have no control over any of it so its completely pointless to think about. I can't sit still. My leg is all jumpy, every time I lay down I want to get up and move. I want to talk to someone but I don't want to put in the effort of calling anyone nor do I have any idea who I could talk to. I have a good idea of who I want to talk to and who I really shouldn't talk to. I have a many conversations I wish I could and were having because I'm sure I'd sleep better once I got it out of my system.

Mr. Man called me yesterday. For no good reason. He called to find out where we were meeting for singles. I had just given him three months worth of activities all of which have time and places for all our activities including yesterday's. It was an unnecessary fact finding phone call. It ended up being the longest phone conversation we've had in months and months. It was fantastic I had to put in no effort he called me and he was the one that did most of the talking. Mr. Man was even trying to help me figure out a couple of my more non personal problems. He inspected my car yesterday. He told me once just before we started dating that he likes to make sure that the cars of the people he cares about are doing ok because it means that the people he cares about are safer. He's inspected my car on a regular basis ever since. After we broke up he did it more slyly so I wouldn't know but yesterday he did it blatantly and smirked when I asked him if he was, in fact, inspecting my car. He tried half heartedly to deny it at first but gave up and admitted it. The list of confusing things goes on and on and on. I flirt with every guy I know on a regular basis they know its harmless, Mr. Man would basically roll his eyes at me and then ignore it. Yesterday I told him I love to watch him walk away and he smiled and then strutted!!! I mean good heavens, What the Crap!?!

Hmmmmm.............

I'm not really sure what's going on here but I am on guard.

He will not side swipe me again. When he liked me the first time around it totally shocked me and I was completely, completely unprepared for the onslaught his affections turned out to be. This time I have to be on my toes and at the top of my game for many reasons. Part of me thinks that Mr. Man might not be aware of what turmoil and upheaval he is causing by his mixed signals and there is a distinct possibility that he does know what he's about and he's intentionally flirting with me. Or a third more precarious cicumstance is he's still unsure of what he wants us to be and he's testing these dangerous waters with a very gunshy and jumpy girl who's more than a little uneasy with the idea of a serious relationship even though its her deepest desire. Mr. Man has no Idea what he may be getting himself into. I might be a bit too much woman for him.

Because and despite of this I'm still left wide awake and exhausted. I'm uber jittery and fidgety. Good gracious I'm tired. I suppose I'll have to deal with all that's going on but it'd be a lot easier if I could sleep through part of it.

*YAWN*

Grrrrrrr..........Silly boys!

Hmmff!!

Oh well.

Miss M

Should I Kick Him or Kiss Him

Mr. Man is bugging me. Ever since tha dance he's been looking at me and talking to me differently. Even other people are starting to notice that he's flirting a bit with me. It's driving me insane. It's terrifying me. I know that I still care about him a great deal but I don't want to be hurt again. We were over at a friend's house and when he was leaving he asked to hug me. Told me to come over to him and he hugged me and not just the quick pat sort of hug but a real one where our bodies mostly touched. Oh he he felt so nice and smelled so good and he smiled at me so big.

I feel sick to my stomach.

This makes me so nervous. I don't like to be confused. I like to know where I stand with people especially with Mr. Man. Our relationship always seems so precarious. I'm afraid that if I push too hard to understand whats happening that he'll run again. And as much as his flirting terrifies me I don't want him to run again. I want him to stay. I am just so frustrated though. I have a tedency to read too much into things so I've been trying to be really careful to stay in reality, but now that others have mentioned it to me my heart seems to want dare to dream. I want to kick him for confusing me but if this is real if he means what hes doing I could almost kiss him. I didn't get to last time. I sortof chickened out. But If we had another chance I'd kick him then I'd kiss him. :)

Miss M

Walking a Lonely Road

I am a confused and tired. I'm tired of being soo confused and frustrated. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of the mess that my life seems to be in. I'm tired of loving people I can't keep. I'm tired of being scared of new opportunities although I seem to rush at them blindly. I'm tired of worrying all the time. I'm tired of everyone else being my main concern instead of fixing the things that I know are damaged within me, because I am broken. I'm damaged and insecure. I'm messed up and frustrated. I can't seem to decide what it is that I need to do and stick with it. It seems to be changing everyday.

I went to a dance yesterday. It was a glorious time I had so much fun, But my emotions seemed to run the gambit. Every emotion possible possessed me at some point and time. Anger, rage, frustration, giddy, Happy, thankful, sad, melancholy, heartache, flirty, coy, lust, love, remorse. heartache, and a Million others. Its amazing to me how I could experience all that and still say I had a wonderful time. My relationships seem to be so complex and I'm not sure if its because they are or because I make them that way. Mr. Man always seems to be on the outskirts of everything. I had such a wonderful time with him at the dance. We danced together several times. It was so much fun. I was fine and happy and I was content with just friends until we danced together the third time. I was teasing him about how me and Captain Doofus felt jipped because the dates we got out of him seemed to be simple and cheap compared to this one date he had with Captain Albino. I was teasing it was all in good fun most of these dates were just for fun and we had talked about them before, but as we swayed to the music with the lights swirling around us he looked at me with eyes that seemed to speak of some pain and some admiration and told me that I had not been jipped. Reminding me without so many words that our dating was different. He wouldn't stop looking at me. He stared at my face seemingly enraptured with it, with me. He looked at me directly and in the eyes. He looked at me in a way that people who are just friends shouldn't look. I talked a mile a minute like I always do when I'm nervous and scared. Unsure of what he was doing and trying to say. It was exhilarating and terrifying. I only have it in me to handle one thing at a time. I had wrapped my head around the friend thing and I was going along with that pretty well but he throws things at me that I don't expect. The Contessa of Quick Wit even informed me that when the Oaf of Doolittle cut in on me and Mr. Man dancing that Mr. Man was very upset and unhappy about The Oaf doing that, interrupting our dance. I don't understand. He does everything he can to remind me of my place and then he pulls crap like that and confuses me. He even seemed to get over excited when the other girls let it slip that I had an interest in one of the other guys that was coming. He didn't like that I wouldn't tell him and even brought it up again today when I saw him. Mr. Man frustrates me.

I did see the guy I was hoping to see. I'll call him Mr. Iowa. I've seen him before at a few other dances I talked about him in another post he was the DDR guy I danced with. I was impressed with him then and then I ran into him again when I went to that conference with Mr. Man and the other girl from church. He was great there too. I got his phone number when I was up there but I've been too chicken to call. He remembered me and I suppose hit on me a little or at least did some pretty good flirting. I did a good job of it with him I returned the flirting beautifully and we are already planning to see each other in June for the Dance that I'm planning for my Stake. I really had a good time with him and I can't wait to see him again. I think I have a bit of a crush on him and that terrifies me. I have a really hard time with this dating stuff. Its no big deal when it doesn't mean anything but If I see any sort of real possibilities I turn tail. I'm terrified for "normal" people to see how screwed up that I feel I am. I don't want to be opened to more hurt because Ex and Mr. Man are still getting to me and I don't need Mr. Iowa or anyone else for that matter screwing with me. I seem to be a delicate balancing act as it is and I don't need one more imaginary emotional issue to deal with.

On top of my idiot girliness I always seem to have going on, because I'm an idiot girl, other more serious things are adding themselves to my already overwhelming life. I need to see a doctor. I have something going on that is very similar to what I've had before and it could be no big deal or it could be something rather serious if I try to ignore it. Financial issue with my health care and in general are getting there moment on my mind's stage. I'm just barely getting out of the mess that Ex created with my spineless help. I have some but not all of that debt paid off and its getting better all the time but if my health issue is what it is that I think that it is than its going to be very very expensive. I also have no more health insurance with my new job. I have wonderful wonderful friends and I cherish them so much and I'm so happy to have them but I still feel very much alone. I want to be sad and I don't want them to see. I want to be scared but I have to be strong. I don't like them to see that my faith is not as strong as it should be. I know. I know that everything is going to be okay and that eventually I'm going to have everything that I want and I'll get to that place that I want to be in in life. I know this but in the mean time while my life is catching up to my hopes and prayers I'm feeling overwhelmed and underqualified to handle all the millions of difficulties that seem to continue to come at me. I know what it is that I need to do to get all the things that I need and want out of life but they seem so far away and unattainable sometimes. I feel pelted and injured and gun shy from all that's come at me in the last year.

Next Saturday will be exactly one year since I put Ex on a bus to Utah. When I look back I have no idea how I did it. It was so much and it was so hard. I felt like I was going to going to cry forever so I guess every once and awhile isn't so bad. Things are getting better and compared to that with a little perspective what's happening right now isn't so bad. It just feels that way. I just feel like I'm walking a very hard and difficult road all by myself, but my road isn't really as hard as it seems to be sometimes and its only lonely because I forget to look around and see that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me so very much and has provided everything I need to help me travel life's treacherous road including an elder Brother who went before me and shows me the way, shows all of us a way to make it through the thorns and everything else. He's already cleared the way and helps us carry our burdens. I just need the faith to believe that this isn't really the lonely road that it feels like. And as always tomorrow is always better. I just need to breath.

Miss M

I Don't Need to Know you Love Me

I wish that I could just hate him. It would make things so much easier, But I can't. I don't have it in me to hate Ex. I should and I would have cause and he would have it coming. I was doing so good. I ignored several of his calls trying to protect myself from him, from the memories of him. I was so stupid to answer the phone. I said hello and he said, "You know I still love you, right?" Curse him. Curse him and his empty declarations. Curse the memory of him. Curse it all. I hate this. Why am I such a stupid girl? I know better. I know it isn't true. I know. I understand what he really means. He loves the idea of me. He loves what I was able to give him for so long, a chance to be normal, a chance to belong, a chance to be loved sweetly and unconditionally. A moment in the sunshine and warmth of a supposed angels innocent love for him, him who was so dark and lost and broken. To be loved when he felt so unlovable is what he misses, not me. I don't think he really knows me because if he did he wouldn't have been able to hurt me like he did. If he knew me as I really am he wouldn't have been able to walk away. I was too abstract to him, too much of an idea, a temporary fantasy. He had his moments where I think he really loved me, but it wasn't in him to let it last. Love as sweet and wonderful as it is, is a scary thing because it demands so much. It requires so much. I think its worth the price but he didnt' have what it takes to pay the price so he's left with wishes and rememberings. Vapors of what it really could've been. I'm left with all the wonderful things and all the very terrible things with perfect remebering. He is unable to recall all that happened so he isn't haunted by it all. He sees us as he wants to be and nothing more. Curse it all.

I don't need to know he loves me but I want to keep it. I'm afraid of what will happen if I forget. If he forgets what I was to him. That's a hurt I don't think I'm ready to inflict on myself but I need to. I have to. I need to walk away. No, I need to run away. I can't let him get to me. I don't need him to remember what I once had and was. I do a good enough job of torturing myself I don't need his help. I don't need him, but I'm still looking behind me as I slowly walk away from him. I'm not really sure what I'm waiting for. There is no miracle behind me that'll fix the mess I've made of my life, of my head. I feel broken and watching behind at Ex won't change that. I need to look ahead, but I'm not sure how because the future sometimes looks as bleak and hopless as the past.

Miss M

Emotional Vomit and Irritation

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I couldn't have asked for a better day. It turned out much much better than I thought that it would. I was really scared that it was going to be a horrible day. There were a few bumbs but not major ones. I've decided that I have just the greatest group of friends. They have been so fantastic. It was such a gret day. Everything went pretty smooth for the most part. I didn't get the cool indifference that I feared I would. In fact he was marvelous. It was like minnesota all over again. We even played Truth again. Captain Doofus rode with Mr. Man and I and admitted to me that she finally understanads why I like him so much. Mr. Man is a completly different person when other people are around he's very very serious to the point of almost being a jerk and very cold and indifferent. The girls in my gang don't really care for him too much because of that. I'm about the only one who actually enjoys being with him and spending time with him, but he usually acts different with me. Before we broke up I didn't know he was this uber serious guy so when he reverted back to that after us I thought he was acting that way because of me. I just didn't realize that was his natural state of being. Figuring that out has made such a difference.

As wondeful as yesterday was I'm feeling a little irritated, mostly with myself. I'm very much tired of this whole situtation. I'm tired of being stuck here, of being stuck in this loop of stupidty and weirdness with Mr. Man. I feel stagnate and useless. I spew pathetic and desperate sounding emotional vomit which makes me look shallow and childish. I really really want to tell Mr. Man what I think of him. I want to tell him how much he pisses me off and how irritating his by the book attitude is when there's soooo much more to life than following the rules. Especially rules that no one else dispensed but yourself, rules that are misguided and eroneous. He is self inflicting alot of the reasons why he feels lonely. I've had a glimpse of how he can be, how he is suppose to be naturally and if he behaved that why more often then he'd have to beat friends away with a stick. He would be the flame that draws so many to his personal sphere because he's burning so brightly with charm and wit and genuine concern for the people around him. It irritates me that I even care so much as to worry about all this crap. This isn't my problem I shouldn't devote so much of my personal energies to him. He shouldn't be worth it to me, but everytime I get close to writing him off and moving on something in my gut whispers that there is something more to be done with him. So hence I trudge onward though this nasty mess of emotional vomit and irritaion,but If I have to continue with this I need to start figure our a different appoach and cleaning up the mess because the stench is getting to me.

Miss M

Crying in the Stillness

I really, really dislike crying. It's a terrible and difficult thing for me to do. Which seems odd because I seem to do it quite frequently. Not so much anymore but still alot more than I'd care to. I don't like being that vulnerable. I especially hate how someone else can effect me so dramaticly. I shouldn't let him but he still does. I talked to Ex yesterday. He's called me a couple of times and emailed me but I just didn't have time to talk. So I was stupid enough to call him. I wanted to make sure he was alright. I'm terrified that one day I'll ignore him and that the next I'll get a call that he killed himself.

Usually when we talk its just chit chat, catching the other up on the mundane and pointless things of life, but lately he finds it necessary to tell me how much he still loves me. I was his entire world. I know everything there is to know about him. I can still tell him what he's about to say before he can say it and what he's thinking that he thinks I don't know. I am the only person to understand him, to love him and to care about him despite everything. I hate that I still love to hear him say he loves me, that a part of me needs to know that someone used to think I was great and still does. That I was someone's whole universe that he loved and needed me desperatly and that even though his new lover is just in the other room he can't help but tell me he misses me. When he talks to me like this it reminds me of how awfully alone I feel. It reminds me that no one else feels so inclined to love me or see or care or talk to me or listen to me. No one else wants to be with me. I was close but I was lacking something, apparently, because he didn't care enough to stay. I laid in my bed listening to Ex tell me all these beautiful things, reminding me of all of our happiest times and thinking of how I ache to be loved. That I miss all the wonderful things that come with being with someone. Tears slowly rolled down my cheek as I thoght about a million different things at once and feeling my heart cry out for someone to see me in the stillness and save me from myself. I hate how in the darkenss I need so desperatly to be loved and honored and cherished. I'm listening to Ex prattle on and on about how life was so great when we were together and I wanted to scream. I wanted him to feel my anger and my hurt. If I was so freaking wonderful than why the hell did he leave? Why didn't he fight harded to keep me if I was so great and beautiful? Why not be kinder and gentler and sweeter to me so I wouldn't cry all the time? I was furious but so desperate to believe that someone did love me, could love me and wants to love me. There isn't anyone else who'll tell me those things. But I need someone who will love me. Who will hear me cry in the stillness and hold me tighter because he can't help but protect me even if its from my own demons. I want there to be sweetness in my life not lonely, bitter, sad and desperate tears under the cover of darkness and shame.

Its awuful having so many things like this inside of me at once. I hate it. I hate that he still does this to me and I let him. I hate that I can't let him go and walk away that I still feel a little guilty and responsible. I hate that this Saturday would've been our Anniversay. I hate thinking about it, wondering what might have been if we had stayed together. Would we be happy at all or even more miserable. I would've missed out on all of the wonderful things that have happened lately, but I wouldn't be alone. I can't decide half the time which is worse, a half wondeful life with him or a wonderful happy life, alone. It's yet to be determined in my mind if I deserve to be loved again.

Saturday the singles and I are going to the temple. I picked that day on purpose so I wouldn't be able to sit at home and torture myself with thoughts of Ex. I didn't want to spend the whole day laying in bed and succombing to the bitter and regret 1filled tears I'd have shed all by myself. I worry about something else though. I'm going to be in a place where I feel Heavenly Father's Love the strongest. I can almost garuntee that I'll cry still, I just don't want my freinds to see. Mr Man will be about the only one who'll understand. He's the only one who knows what significance this day holds for me. He promised he'd be extra nice to me but what if he forgets. For this day alone I almost wish we were still together because he would've taken care of me. He'd of been sweet and undestanding like he always was. He'd of made it okay. He was so gentle and kind when it came to stuff like this. Mr. Man some how understands this part of me, the sad, strange and vulnerable parts that no one else but he and Ex have seen. I'm afraid that as I cry in the peacful stillness of this holy place that he will forget his promise and be indifferent. I'm not sure which'll hurt worse my memories or unfeeling coolness.

Miss M

Road Trips and Honesty

I had every intention of writing about my great and wonderful weekend trip. A lovely report of the good times I had with my friends and with the people I met but I've decided not to. Maybe later....sometime. I'm not sure yet. This blog seems to be a platform for what's on my mind and the things that affect me. My trip had a huge impact but not the destination. The impact came from the drive home. I had the best time. I haven't felt so content and happy and blissful in a long time. Long before Ex left and not really since, until yesterday. I had gone to this conference with Mr. Man and another girl who just newly joined our church. She's been a member about a month and had never experienced anything like one of our conferences before and had so much fun and was so exhausted that she pooped out for the ride home. She slept for over half of the way so that just left Mr. Man and I to talk. We talked non stop the entire way home and we were so engrossed in the conversations that we'd go through the CDs a few times before we'd realize they had started over several times. The topics and discussions ranged from the normal, to deep and intimate, to ridiculous, to weird, to delightful and heavenly. It flowed so effortlessly and wonderfully. I knew alot about him already and he knew alot about me but we still managed to surprise each other. We played a game called Random Factoid for most of the first half of the drive. You play by saying the first random fact that comes to mind about yourself when it was your turn. It made for some pretty funny stories and for "Aa haa" moments, moments where something about them finally fell into place in your perception of them and they made just little bit more sense. We laughed alot. I almost cried a couple of times. I apologized alot because I behaved rather shamefully the night before on Saturday. He readily forgave me but felt better once I explained what was going on with me. He had been a little comcerned.It was strange that he was worried, but interesting. Ex had called my cell a couple times and that made me sensitive and weird. He's so far away and still manages to upset things sometimes. I was very short and cross with Mr. Man on Saturday. I felt terible that I was so unfair to him. I was punishing him for what Ex does and basicly picking a little fight. Mr. Man handled it well. He has always done well with my weirdness, but he said he understood alot more after I explained what happened on the way home. Towards the end of the trip we ran out of random factoids so we played "Truth or Dare minus the Dare because we were in a car" so we just asked each other questions about the other. It was enlightening to say the least. That drive was wonderful. His face was almost radiant he was smiling so much. He looked all spiffy with his sunglasses and church clothes. The sunlight spilled into the car in such a magical way. It was heavenly. He was heavenly and I was as close to normal as I've been in a long time. We were enjoying it all so much that he parked a half a a block away from my house and we just kept talking. We parked for awhile and it wasn't even my idea. It was wonderful to be able to talk so candidly like we used to.

Everything is back to normal now. Its a little bit better of a normal but that's okay. I'm happy to be his friend. It is enough for now. I doubt that it could ever be what it was. I just wish I knew what to do. I'm so unsure of my standing with him because it seems to change with every moment. I was glad for our time in the sun, but I doubt that he'll let it last.

Miss M

I Wanna Make Sense

I'm coming to terms with and to the conclusion that I'm just really screwed up. I think I'm screwed up for several reasons. Mostly for the fact that I'm pretty sure I was just born weird and strange, but everything that's gone on in the last few years just seems to have accentuated that and then this last year has just brought it all to the surface for everyone else to see more obviously. Every insecurity and moment of strangeness seems on display for everyone to see, but it makes no sense to anyone but me because I'm the only one who knows why and how they came to be there. To everyone else I just look crazy.

In this exact moment my heart hurts and I sortof want to cry but not really. Ex is haunting me and the memory of him is stuck inside my head like a nightmare and daydream stuck together in a loop. I watch him, us, over and over again. Then my head decides to be really mean and throw in more recent hurts and happinesses. It makes it quite the swirl of murky and sludgy memories and emotions. Mostly its my ex. I'm started to see and actually recall the exact moments in time where he changed me and injured me in profound and possibly permanent ways. Certain things trigger it too. Like the song I'm listening to and torturing myself with right now. It brings to mind a particularly potent memory from a day or two before Ex and I separated. It was one of his favorite groups and his absolute favorite singer. I won't tell you exactly the song to spare you remembering this when you hear it next. It was the last time things were okay and the last moment before everything crumbled around me and my life was ripped away from me. He and I had been having a rough last little bit. His illness was really catching up to him and he didn't make much sense and he'd strike out verbally with out much cause. Saying horrible and awful things to me just to watch me cry. I was sitting in our living room I don't remember what I was doing but I was thinking about what might be coming. He had been in our spare room where he spent most of his time. The stereo was in there and his music was his life line. It was the only voices besides mine that made sense to him. He would spend all day in there. This day in particular he'd already been in there for hours . I felt lonely like I almost always did and wishing he'd be normal just long enough to talk to me for a while. Almost as soon as that thought came to my mind he came rushing out of the room and took me by the hands and pulled me into the room. He was glowing with excitement and happiness and wonder. This song had just started to play and he was telling me how much he loved it and then he stopped and noticed the faraway and sad look in my eyes. He looked into me for a moment then pulled me close and put his forehead to mine with our faces close together and he whispered, "Everything will be okay. You'll find someone better than me." I started to cry as I realized it would all be over soon. That this might be it. He was almost gone from me, he was falling deeper into a place where I couldn't go and where he wouldn't let me follow because he loved me too much to let me go into the that darkness with him. He put his fingers into my hair and breathed me in in an attempt to remember and take my love with him. He kissed me softly at first and then deeper and richer and full of every great moment and ounce of love we had ever shared. He held me close and began to sway to this beautiful and haunting song. Whispering gentle comfort into my ear. Telling me he loved me. His hands touching and caressing me ever so slowly and softly. We went to bed that night in love and passion and the next night he and his mental illness struck the last and fatal blow. I had had enough and I packed his bags and he was on a bus to Utah the morning after. It was awful. He was begging me to forgive him, to not send him away that he needed me and that he'd surely die with out me. I rushed around our home making sure I was packing everything I could fit in that he loved and needed. He followed me in a panic trying to convince me that he would do better that he'd find the job and take the medicine and do the counseling, but I couldn't do it. It was one more lie and one more manipulation. I loved him too much to watch him kill himself in his darkness and sadness and eternal sorrow. I was dying everyday having to listen to how much I was worthless one moment and then how wonderful I was the next. I knew I wasn't going to survive much longer in these conditions and that one day soon I wouldn't recognize myself anymore and my life would be darkness just like his and we'd both be lost forever. I cried for days after I watched his bus drive away. I couldn't look at his stuff and I shoved it all in his closet. I took everything that reminded me of him and hid it away where I couldn't see. On my worst days and in my worst moments I would open the door and sit there and cry and cry till I fell asleep or laid there in my pitiful sorrow waiting for morning.

Its hard to fathom what that sortof thing does to someone. What it did to me. I can't even see the parts of me I lost to Ex. I see the strength I've gained and the testimony I developed as I relied and leaned on my Heavenly Father to get me through my own struggle with the intoxicating darkness and the abyss of sorrow I had sunk into. I have gained many wonderful characteristics and attributes from my pitted and nearly emotionally fatal past. I also have many wonderful memories of our love and our life. Its such a complex mix of things to be inside one person. Half happiness half stinging memories and so many wonderful opportunities possibilities in front of me for better days. It only makes sense to me, all my weirdness, all my strangeness, all my spazing oddness. I wanna make sense to someone else. I want someone else to get it. I want him to see me through the cloud of this enigma and love me anyway. But I suppose the question lies in who would battle all my imagined dragons and save this lost princess in the tower. Is anyone really up to the challenge? Am I the one who's making it impossible for some one else to love me?

Miss M

The Worst Kindof Girl

I consider my self to be somewhat level headed with normal spaz out moments, but lately I feel like one big weirded out spaz freak in the most girlie sortof way. Things are getting better a little bit at a time with Mr. Man, but I'm still acting like an idiot. I sway form one extreme to the other. One minute I think he's fantastic and the next I want to kick him really really hard. Worst of all I deny my eloquence and become a rambling, stumbling, foot in mouth oaf when ever I'm around him or talk about him. I read way to many things into our almost nonexistent conversations. I get way too emotional too. I'm uber sensitive to everything he does and says and also what his family says. Everything is blown way out of proportion and I'm not thinking clearly and I've become an idiot girl pining for an idiot boy. I'm smarter than this. I know better. Stupid boys shouldn't have this much effect on me. Grr. I feel like I've become the worst kind of girl, but at least I've recognized the disease and have time to stop it. I don't want to be totally lost into air head world. I swear I have more substance than that even if I'm not currently acting like I do. I'm just glad he's still talking to me despite my crazy girlieness. He actually tolerates me quite well considering my temporary loss of sanity. I suppose its because he's temporally insane too.

Miss M

Emails and Normalcy

I can't believe the things I do sometimes. I was getting ready to go to work this morning and I had the 'brilliant' idea to email Mr. Man in an effort to continue on the goodness from yesterday. It wasn't that spectacular of an email but it seemed like a good idea, but all day I was thinking, "Stupid, stupid, stupid." I mean what in the world was I thinking. Our relationship is shaky at best. I felt like I probably screwed up and pushed too hard and moved our friendship back to nonexistent again. I was so afraid I'd come home and check my email and I'd have an email from him telling me off and what not, or the absolute worst no response at all. Disappointment all over again and barely healed wounds ripped open, again. I feared terrible consequences to my idiocy, but miracle of miracles Mr. Man wrote back. Not only did he write back but it was a perfectly wonderful simple easy going email. He told me he didn't mind emails and that he in fact liked them. He talked about some of the things I said in my email and then told me about his day. And typical guy he was wondering what he was going to have for dinner. He even joked with me a bit. It was great. It was normal. Even more normal than yesterday. It was spectacular. It made me so happy. I'm very glad that he understands my idiocy and gets what I'm trying to do and even if he doesn't he sure does a good job of dealing with me. That's probably why I like him so much. Its good to have open communication with him its much better than the usual cool and indifferent attitudes from before. I'm liking emails and normalcy. I can handle that, happily.

Miss M

Breathing Easy

It's the hardest thing for me to feel buggered and confused. I hate things being uncalm. Mr. Man makes me feel very much unsure and frustrated. I never know where I stand with him. Tonight I had to stop and see his sister and I saw Mr. Man but he disppeared into his room at the first oppertunity. It really bothered me because Monday it really seemed like we were on our way to being back to normal. He talked with me and teased with me which was huge because he hadn't done that since before we broke up. I thought everything was finally getting better until tonight when he disappeared. I had a good time with his sister and Buttman. (They're engaged now by the way) It was a nice visit and it was good to see the both of them so happy. Mr. Man's mom even seemed happy to see me which was weird because for the most part I feel like she hates me. All and all it was a good night but it really bothered me that Mr. Man was acting like such a doofus. So on my way home I called him. I got his voice mail. I left a message which I hate doing but. I was very frustrated. I needed to be heard whether he wanted to talk to me or not. I said something along the lines of:

" ' Mr. Man' Do you really dislike me so much that you have to hide from me? Have I done something so terrible that you can't even be in the same room as me? If so then tell me so I can apoligize. If you were busy that's one thing but it felt like you were avoiding me and I'm not sure what I've done to make you hate me so much. Call me back and talk to me. I'd really like to know and to talk to you about this. Please."

I doubted that he would call me back but he did. I was still driving home and we talked so long that I sat in my car in front of my house talking to him. It felt really good to be honest with him to get a few answers from him. He didn't say hi when he called back. I answered and he said

"Its not you, that isn't the reason"
"Are you sure?"
"It's not you"
"Hmmm..."

We ended up having a really good exchange. I feel much better after talking to him and having him respond and answer and clarify. We both agreed that we're not really sure what to do with the other. That this was all so strange and weird. I said how there's no compartment in my head for him that I felt like a little kid with one of those balls with the different shaped holes and that I keep trying to shove him in the wrong hole, that he just doesn't fit anywhere. And that I was frustrated. He agreed and said how he was just as confused by me. We've come to an interesting agreement and we're going to see if it works. I'm very glad for this turn of events. I hope I'm starting to get my friend back. A friend that I've missed terribly.

My heart's uncleanched a bit now and I feel like I can breath a little easier. It is by no means fixed but at least we've opened the lines of communication and I'm happy for that. By the end of the conversation we were just chatting and talking about other things besides our weird relationship. It wasn't all one sided either. Mr. Man seemed concerned about what was going on in my life and how I've been. It was nice. Strange but nice. I'm breathing easy and I hope it stays that way.

Miss M